can I open another present yet mama not
just yet Sonia
i think we should let one of our guests
have a turn
Doctor Robotnik would you like to open a
present
Sleet go open a present why me sir I'm
still eating my snowman cookie
because you know how much the Hedgehog
family hates me
me who single-handedly took over the
planet Mobius and stole the royal throne
from under them
what if they like put a bomb in one of
the presents to kill me
your roundness the presents are
completely random I don't think
i don't pay you to think I pay you to do
my bidding
you don't really pay me at all anymore
whatever get your fat ass over there or
I'm going to robot oh size you twice
i just want you to know Sleet I picked
that out special for you
Dingo you're not supposed to tell me you
got this for me that ruins the surprise
but if I don't tell you how will you
know it's from me
Dingo that's the [ __ ] point this is
literally called secret santa
I'm sorry Sleet this this game is just
so confusing to me
my head hurts hey don't write and go I'm
opening up the present
see
what the [ __ ] is this it's a bunch of
ice cubes
what the [ __ ] am I supposed to do with
some ice cubes I don't know
you can like put them in stuff what you
mean my ass
why the hell would I shove ice cubes up
my ass I didn't mean putting them in
your butt
i mean for putting them in things like
coca-cola
why are you being such a [ __ ] ass
[ __ ] I got you something that I know
you love
and you're throwing a tantrum like a
baby why the [ __ ] do you think I love
ice cubes Dingo
when have I ever said I loved ice cubes
whenever we go to starbucks I order my
coca-cola without ice cubes
yeah but I thought you only asked for no
ice because you get more soda that way
then you put ice in when we get home no
Dingo it's because when the ice melts it
waters down my soda
i tell you this every [ __ ] time you
never listen to me
this is embarrassing sometimes I wonder
why I even bother telling you this [ __ ]
what are you looking at [ __ ] hey you
leave him alone right now
you wanna go to [ __ ] I’ve got enough to
go around
are you looking at me too [ __ ] excuse
me
but that's my [ __ ] we're talking too i
think you had better sit your fat ass
down
if you know what's good for you
[Music]
and what will you do to me if I don't i
know you're above God
but I'm not scared of you you've got
quite the huge pair of balls
to say that to my face and I can respect
that
i like men with huge balls it's a shame
you don't got the muscles to back it up
we'll see about that
Sleet help he's hurting me
Sonic tell your boyfriend to let me go
don't worry Dingo i'll let you go go
flying across the room
that is ha ha
[Music]
look what y'all don't
know it was breaking into walmart's
ecole style tattoo
hold on Charles go back for a minute
what did you say you did to get this
christmas tree
i thought you told me the old man across
the street
gave it to us
i knew it was a bad idea to invite dr
Robotnik and his clowns to the secrets
and the party
my sexy daughter with the monster truck
sized boobies is right
they are ruining everything let's strip
them naked then throw them outside in
the snow
Mindy can you jump up and down for me i
want to check something
anything for you daddy but why just do
it baby girl
[Music]
daddy I'm also getting wet now what did
you want to see
don't worry about it I'm bored now we
can't just throw them out in the snow
it's christmas nobody should be alone on
christmas
sonja that orange [ __ ] punched me in
the face Knuckles the cool Echidna will
not be satisfied
until he has retribution
are you okay Dingo yeah just scared
when is it going to be my turn to open a
present Sonic can't you wait for just
one moment
we've got to put the tree back up
Bartleby I want to open a present right
now
make my mom let me open a present you
heard my [ __ ] let him open a present
Manic go take your brother a present
before barker b kills us all
me and your uncle will put the tree back
up
here you go bro just between you and me
bro
I'm giving you Mindy's present knowing
her she probably put something in here
that you and Bartleby can use in the
bedroom
if you know what I mean
actually Sonic before you open that gift
do you think you could run outside and
get the mail for me
will you shut up for five seconds [ __ ]
my [ __ ] [ __ ] is trying to open his
present
i'll be okay Bartleby I can go it's
only a short walk
i'll be back inside in no time
morning Sonic merry christmas
um hello merry christmas to you too
so Sonic how have you been not
getting into any trouble I hope
um I'm doing fine sorry I don't mean to
be rude but who are you again
hahaha come on Sonic the Hedgehog
you know me it's me timmy your neighbor
i have been living next door to you and
your family for the past
four years past four years you say
i can't say that I recognize your face
what's your address oh Sonic let's not
sweat the details
so what are you up to um my family and
friends are having a secret santa party
right now
i just came out to get the mail oh that
sounds like
fun yeah it is I was just about to open
my present
so I should probably get back inside
where's the rush
I'm sure your friends can wait just a
few more minutes for you to get
back you know I just bought a big chunk
of ednog
do you want a cup of it it's not
alcoholic so don't worry
come over to my van and I can give you
some
um I don't know my mom always tells me
not to take stuff from strangers
what are you talking about Sonic I'm not
a stranger
I'm timmy I'm a friend of your uncle
okay well I really should be getting
back inside right now
you have got a really fat ass you know
that
what I was just saying you've got a lot
of grass
on your lawn you really should think
about doing it
sometime soon how can you tell it's all
covered with snow
I’ve got a landlord in my van if you
want to borrow it
come over to my van and help me take it
out
what the [ __ ] kind of gay as present is
this
this has got to be some white people
[ __ ]
haha hey are you guys opening presents
without me
Knuckles you got my present what do you
think wait a minute so this cheap ass
[ __ ] was yours you really thought this
was a good gift
you don't like it hell no I don't like
it when I open presents on christmas i
expect to get money or toy trains
well if you don't like it you can give
it back
kids you stop this I just put that tree
back up
well what are you waiting for cracker
put them up
stop stop it leave that fat boy alone
that fat boy has done nothing to you
where do you think you're going [ __ ]
you think you can just make a fool of
Knuckles the cool Echidna and get away
with it
no it don't work like that up in this
[ __ ]
please Knux I didn't do it on purpose
you know I didn't mean that you're one
of my best buds
Knuckles what are you doing with that
baseball bat
please oh God please don't stick it up
my butt
Bartleby help me please save me Bartleby
consider yourself lucky to be alive you
little red sausage link
the only reason I did not blow you to
[ __ ] is because I know my [ __ ] thinks
of you as a friend
why he does I will never know if you
have anybody to thank for your life
thank my beak now my bitch how about we
hurry along and open your present
check it out Bartleby oscar myers
baloney you know how much I love this
stuff
wait why are there two of them in here i
don't understand
why somebody would do this is is
somebody trying to tell me I'm fat
who would do this to me
Sonic is so fat that's so funny what a
cruel [ __ ] joke who the [ __ ] did this
to my [ __ ]
speak up now if you want to live
um I kind of had a feeling Manic was
going to give Sonic my gift
so I you know I decided to get Sonic
some by lonnie
but I thought just one pack of bailony
wasn't enough
because he was so fat but now I'm
starting to think that wasn't such a
good idea
would you mind telling me again why you
thought it was a good idea to embarrass
my [ __ ]
i I didn't know I was going to embarrass
him honest
we all know Sonic is fat even he knows
it
so what's the problem please don't kill
me
[Music]
[ __ ] wait where are you going
[Music]
[ __ ] wait [ __ ] come back
what the [ __ ] was his problem what
domingo you think
Aleena you're sorry
i did not laugh at him yes you did mom
yeah
you and Uncle Chuck both laughed well dr
Robotnik and his couple of [ __ ]
laughed over
there too Doctor Robotnik is on external
rival you're that boy's mom
you're supposed to be better than this
please you're just trying to make me out
to be the bad guy here
there's nothing wrong with laughing at
somebody who's fat
Sonic is just an overly sensitive
crybaby
i mean just look at Robotnik he's fat as
[ __ ]
and he knows it what are you talking
about woman I'm not fat
I'm [ __ ] sexy ain't that right Sleet
Sleet what
i said I'm not fat you agree right tell
them I'm not fat
um I don't really understand the
question speak damn you
well you are kind of fat like like
really fat almost as fat as Sonic but
not quite so that's good
what the [ __ ] Sleet how could you say
that how would you feel if I called you
fap
well it wouldn't bother me because I'm
not fat I mean
except for my fat butt
[Music]
wait have I been fat all this time you
have dr
Robotnik all this time
oh my God what have I done
i just laughed at Sonic I i have no
right to laugh at him
maybe we were all too hard on him I'm
his mother I'm the last person who
should be laughing at him
i just said that it's okay
let's go into
i should probably get home they're
probably worried about me by now
especially Bartleby no I bet they're
all still laughing at me even Bartleby
after all I'm nothing but a fat [ __ ]
you again what do you want have you been
following me
Sonic can I ask you something have you
been crying
no not really why does it look like I’ve
been crying
are you insecure about your weight
that's nothing to be insecure about
i think you look rather cute the way you
are your friends and family had no right
to laugh at you the way they did
how do you know my friends laughed at me
you you were listening in on us I had a
hunch about you
so you really are a creep haha I'm not a
creep Sonic
I'm timmy I'm your neighbor you know
Sonic
i kind of have a thing for cute little
fat
boys like you stay away from me
i know what kind of game you're playing
game like minecraft
i know you kids love minecraft I’ve got
a Playstation 4 hooked up in my van
and a really big tv how about you come
over to my van
and play with me I said no I'm not
getting in your van
stay away from me
phew I think I lost him this world is so
scary without Bartleby by my side
maybe I shouldn't have run away from
home
hey where am I did I run all the way to
the graveyard on the other side of town
is that somebody over there who would be
all alone in a graveyard especially on
christmas
um excuse me
hi what do you want wait I know you
you do yes you are really famous
you are Sonic the hitch dog right you're
the lover of Bartleby Montclair of
Dresden
the richest man on planet earth oh yeah
sometimes I forget how famous I am being
Bartleby's boyfriend
and all um what's your name I’ve never
had a name
my father has always just called me fat
boy
oh then hello fat boy what are you doing
alone out here in the graveyard
don't you have a family or friends to
spend christmas with
not really I had only really had one
person in my life
and he passed away not too long ago my
father
that's why I'm here visiting his grave
I'm sorry that there's a lot of
spaghetti sauce on it
i was just eating spaghetti and garlic
bread
i bet your father was a nice man not
really
if he saw that I was getting spaghetti
sauce all over his tombstone he would
beat my ass like a bowl of egg whites
he hit me a lot and spit in my face he
he really hates fat people too
and I’ve been fat my entire wife you too
i mean
man that [ __ ] sucks balls yes my
father has also made me sick his balls a
few times
though you were speaking metaphorically
just now weren't you
well going back to my father hating that
people
he wasn't completely bad you know he
became a little bit nicer when he got
older
he even apologized to me for how he used
to make fun of my weight
in fact he said that making fun of fat
people was the biggest regret of his
life
and that looking at cute little fat boys
was actually a secret fetish he had
okay do you want to see a picture of him
sorry about the chocolate on the photo
i was just eating a chocolate bar
because I'm fat
oh right thanks for coming over and
talking to me today
it's nice being able to talk to another
fat person for once
I'm sure you can understand how hard
life can be at times
when you're fat morning Sonic
merry christmas sorry I don't mean to be
rude but who are you again
come on Sonic the Hedgehog you know me
it's me to me your neighbor come over to
my van
[Music]
[Applause]
hey tell me how long has it been since
your dad died
i don't know like five years or some
[ __ ]
he had a heart attack one night right
after he ate a bowl of macaroni and
cheese
[Music]
it was nice talking to a fellow fatty
but I gotta go home now and eat some
cinnamon rolls
merry christmas and God bless
what's wrong what is it that you see
it's nothing
i I think I'm just going to take the
long way around
[Music]
oh [ __ ] hey [ __ ] seeing this [ __ ]
what are you talking about I don't see
anything
there's nobody absolutely nobody
standing there
open your eyes dude it's my dad he's all
around us
he's finally come back to kill me you
have to be [ __ ] gay if you think I'm
gonna stick around here
I'm out
[Music]
hey are you okay what happened just now
it's like you got magnetically propelled
backwards
[Music]
help me Bartleby's [ __ ] don't let him
kill me
[ __ ] [ __ ] that you I’ve been looking
all over for you
Bartleby what are you doing here how
did you find me
what do you think when you suddenly ran
off like that I was worried to death
i had to come find you and make sure you
are okay the world is a big scary place
for someone like you
oh Bartleby I'm sorry for worrying you
like I did
don't worry about it my [ __ ] i'll give
you a little spanking later tonight as
punishment
since you're here does that mean
everybody else came with you
[ __ ] you know how fast I can run I have
like three dozen gold medals and
sprinting
from when I participated in the korean
olympics even if they did leave the
house with me there is no possible way
they could catch up
but they are your friends and family I'm
sure they will be here any minute now
they care about you
[Music]
what the heck are you guys doing we need
to go out there and find my bro
for all we know he could have frozen
somewhere into a big fat popsicle with a
big buttt
20 degrees outside we took one step out
front and decided we are not going out
there
but but my bro but lubby went after
Sonic didn't he
but ruby always saved the day so we
might as well just
relax and wait for them to get back here
are you getting in the limo or not fat
boy hurry it up
not over here you know the drill get in
the [ __ ] truck
oh
[Applause]
we've got to go look for them guys
they've been gone for hours
Manic you know how long Bartleby's limo
is they probably got stuck
at an intersection or something
[Applause]
are you ready to go inside and see your
friends bitch
i don't know if this is such a good idea
of art webby they they laughed at me
remember
to everybody in that house I'm nothing
but an overweight little fat man
do you know how it makes me feel
Bartleby do you have any idea
do you think I like being this fat it's
all because I like eating cheese and
cookies
and chili dogs oh my God I'm so fat I'm
an embarrassment to you
my [ __ ] that's just not true yes you
are fat as [ __ ] but that's nothing to be
embarrassed about
if anything it's a good thing because
you have got really massive butt cheeks
and if you ask me I think fat people are
kind of cool
you do really then can you name any cool
fat people other than me
Bartleby Bartleby what's wrong
can you not answer my question
um well you know santa claus is kind of
cool
and he's fat as [ __ ] of course xander is
probably nowhere near as fat as you
[Music]
Bartleby that's it you're an absolute
genius Bartleby
of course I'm a genius but what the hell
are you talking about [ __ ]
what you said just now has given me the
perfect idea to get back
at them for calling me fat it's the best
plan ever if I do say
so myself then hurry up and tell me
don't just leave me hanging here like a
pair of balls
Bartleby there you are did you find my
bro why isn't he with you
i looked all over the place but i
couldn't find him anywhere
oh my God if even Bartleby couldn't
find Sonic and something terrible must
have happened to him
please help me find my little [ __ ] boy
i have no clue
where he could have gone we should go
check the neighborhood sex offenders
registry
my [ __ ] has some plump butt cheeks so i
wouldn't be surprised
if somebody snatched him up again
what the [ __ ] is this it sounds like
somebody is walking on the roof
Sonic the Hedgehog this has got to be
your greatest plan yet
when I drop down the chimney with this
bag of toys they're so going to believe
I'm the real santa
and then when I give them their gifts
they'll realize just how cool fat people
can be
i just need to be careful climbing down
the chimney I don't want to repeat what
happened all those years ago when I got
stuck
my butt cheeks are pretty big though
they've certainly grown over the years
maybe this might not be such a good idea
after all
i mean I could just walk in through the
front door I guess that would still be
cool oh [ __ ] oh [ __ ] I'm slipping
oh my God
how it smells like gingerbread cookies
yo you guys I think [ __ ] santa
claus is coming down the chimney right
now
phew well at least my cover's not blown
it's a good thing I ate that gingerbread
house earlier
but now I'm stuck [ __ ] what the hell
are you doing you fat ass
this was not part of the plan it's okay
Bartleby I just got a little stuck
i am i'll think of something so just
wait there okay
santa I can't believe it can I can i
please have a new baseball mitt for
christmas
and can I please have a large metal
baseball bat
also can one of your christmas elves
personally shut the baseball bat so far
up my ass
that the other end comes out of my mouth
how hard I'm just kidding I'm actually
not getting santa
i want one of your elves to spank me and
then five more elves
shove a baseball bat in my ass I said
five
because elves are small and they'll
probably have to work together
i don't mind though because it's as they
always say
teamwork makes the dream work
i can't believe it boys it's the real
santa I don't even know what to ask for
i want a tennis racket and a jar of
marbles I just want a big ass jug of
ketchup
sand sand can I please have a my little
pony toy
santa I want a new skateboard santa can
i please
have a large metal baseball bat
no you're you are not getting anything
none of you are getting any presents
this year
all of you are on the naughty list this
year every single one of you
none of you are free absent you made
that little Hedgehog boy cry
you laughed at him you made fun of him
you
you called him fat and humiliated him
you're all evil people
nobody deserves to be treated the same
way Sonic the Hedgehog was treated here
today
and if you ask me Sonic the Hedgehog
isn't even fat he's rather good looking
and you can trust me I'm santa claus
[Music]
now hold on for one Mobius minute santa
did you just say my bro wasn't fat
that's right you're all just blind or
you want to bully him
you know what santa I was just starting
to think you had a point
but after hearing what you just said
your load to [ __ ]
i am not going to just stand here and
let you lie about my bro
like that but but it's not true it's
just not
Sonic isn't really that fat is he please
tell me he's not my bro is definitely
fat ass [ __ ] I would know more than
anybody
i stare at his ass all the [ __ ] time
wait
you do does your bro know about this no
and he's never going to find out because
what he doesn't know won't hurt him
Manic that's enough you're wasting
everyone's time here
don't you realize we got santa claus
trapped right where we want him
we have absolute power over that fat man
that's right Manic
the thing is stopping at your foot from
rubbing a mistake and domingo you think
the low size I can't believe it is this
really how i
Sonic the Hedgehog I'm going to die
huh sony quickly
climb up the rope before it's too late
it's not like I have any other choice
right now
Sonic never be ashamed of who you are
Sonic thank God you're alive yet when
Bartleby said
he couldn't find you we feared the worst
you guys everybody you were all really
worried about me
even though I'm so fat
Sonic my arch nemesis we all talked it
over while you were away
and well so what if you're fat you have
got so many other traits to be proud of
other things that make you special
that's right bro don't forget you're the
leader of the best rock band ever
the Sonic Underground or remember when
you single-handedly saved the world
during the whole chaos emerald crisis
nobody else could have kept their cool
as well as you did with the whole world
falling apart
Doctor robot Nick also considers you to be
his eternal rival
that's right that sounds pretty special
if you ask me
remember when you turned all my homemade
watches into spiders
that was pretty cool what we're trying
to say [ __ ]
is that you're far more special than you
think you are
after all I wouldn't just make anyone my
[ __ ] bitch
you're special to me
[Music]
you