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wow
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why am i always the one alone on
christmas
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merry christmas
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joyful and triumphant
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manic manic look it's the real life
santa claus holy [ __ ] balls you're right
sonic i can't believe it can you believe
it bro
mama thank you so much for bringing us
to the mall to meet sancha and just when
we were starting to believe he wasn't
real you're the best mommy ever the
absolute best i'm i'm so happy
of course kids haven't i always told you
all you have to do is believe and
anything you want will be real
and after that little stunt you pulled
last night where you all asked me to
prove santa's existence well of course i
just had to bring you here to meet the
fat man himself
where are you hiding him mama yeah tell
us now we are not going to ask again
[ __ ]
well what are you kids waiting for go
stand in line to sit on santa's lap but
remember when you sit on santa's lap
don't sit too close to his paws you
never know what your uncle um i mean
santa claus will do
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dr robotnik i get that you want to come
to the mall and meet santa but why does
that also mean that me and dinko have to
dress up as elves these tights are so
tight you can practically see our balls
because sleet only children are allowed
to stand in the line to meet santa we
need to make them all security believe
that you two work here
so i can get close and sit on santa's
lap without making it look like i'm a
pedophile it's definitely not because i
secretly want to see the outline of my
two henchmen's fat juicy and succulent
balls hidden only behind a pair of
thinly veiled tights while they wear
cute little elf costumes
hey who's or how are you three you don't
care shut up [ __ ] sleep don't just
stand there give me one of your grenades
[Music]
[ __ ] i really pissed these people off
kevin my son listen to me you look just
like me from behind hurry wow those
three still have their backs turned i'm
going to need you to run away run far
away why lie hide behind that christmas
tree over there if i'm on the tree those
three will mistake you for me and they
will do that grenade that you've been
said i understand papa whatever it takes
i promise to protect you even if it
costs me my life i love you papa please
don't ever forget that and don't be sad
after all i won't be going to where mom
is right
yes that's right you sure are a sweet
boy i always would make your teddy
sprouts of day him just one last time
how about you give your daddy some sugar
well you've been getting good at that
just who have you been practicing with
it i wonder today i have another kiss
[Music]
you really just tried to kill me just
now you know what i've had out of your
fake kisses you dirty [ __ ]
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santa santa look over here
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out of my way [ __ ]
oh great dr robotnik is here
santa i've i've been a huge fan of you
my whole entire life i hope you don't
mind a man in his late 60s sitting on
your lap ah not a time in fact ticket
delicate illicit a lot
hurry up and tell santa what gift you
want old man there are a lot of kids
like me who want to turn
i'm allowed to sit on santa slap for as
long as i want
you stupid [ __ ] [ __ ]
we're not with that guy
[ __ ] you
what i'm allowed to say the word i'm
evil
evil or not
that is not why i talked to a kid of the
black variety eating kids cream for you
to go
dr robotnik you don't deserve any
presents
bro he's looking at you get over there
oh santa i knew you were real i just
knew it i always believed in you no
matter what my family tried to say
did you know
what kind of things did your family say
is going to bring me a toy train for
christmas
hostage
and that's what happened santa i'm sorry
your uncle didn't man it
it was probably just pranking joe
you know like
but he's not my dad he's my uncle it's
weird
and you know what the way you talk kinda
reminds me of my uncle chuck and that
kinda pisses me off
feel the wrath of a boy who just ate 13
chili dogs
uncle chuck is that you
now how could you do this
you lied to me you lied to all of us
[Music]
you're a fake you're not the real santa
you're a monster a horrible monster i'm
evil and yet even i would never stoop
down to your level
[Music]
robotnik and i have some money for the
food court i wanna get a pretzel
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kids i'm back with the slushies you
wanted
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is that orange mama i specifically told
you that i wanted strawberry
follow me dingo i think i saw robotnik
run over to hot topic
hold up sleep
bingo i'm not going to help you find the
bathroom i told you to go before we left
it's not that sleet it's the mistletoe
you know what happens when two people
stand under a mistletoe don't you
no that's three jelly belly jelly beans
taped to a pine tree air freshener you
put that up there yourself so what if i
did [ __ ] listen i'm not going to play
along with this right now robotnik just
ran away crying and we need to look for
him or he's going to beat our asses
later also i'm dressed as a [ __ ]
little elf right now and i don't have
enough money to buy myself a pretzel
i'm not having a good time i want to go
home then perhaps
i can brighten your day by giving you
one of your christmas presents early i
said we're not doing this right now
unless there's a pretzel in it get it
away from me
gross what the hell was in that it's
coca-cola
why the hell did you have a christmas
present full of coca-cola don't you
remember last christmas i got you ice
cubes hahaha silly boy
lingo are you telling me this coca-cola
is supposed to go with the ice cubes
from last year obviously [ __ ] that was
a whole year ago you know ice melts
right
what are you trying to say [ __ ] i'm
saying that ice cubes won't last for a
whole year dumbass not if you put them
in the freezer
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i i guess that's true
are you okay my blue bro how can i be
okay my green bro when i'm all out of
chili dogs
i can't believe santa claus isn't real
we're sorry kids but it's something
everyone has to learn eventually
charles charles hedgehog i have a word
to pick with you you worthless meat sack
as my mommy says it's something we all
have to learn eventually
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can i have one of those pretzels
you know what no i refuse to accept that
santa isn't real i say we all go down to
the north pole right now to see for
ourselves
bro stop it just give it up it's over
santa is a myth just like herobrine in
minecraft
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my [ __ ] if you want to meet santa claus
so bad why don't you just go meet him
bartleby you're back from your trip to
france
[Music]
wait bart levy what did you just say
about meeting santa does that mean he's
really real
of course he is my beach only poor
people question his existence because
poor people have to travel with
international airlines only people like
me and jeffrey epstein before he was
assassinated by the government could
visit him whenever we want with our
private jets and [ __ ]
done you will see a private hit
it would have a rip stream to get up so
many [ __ ] with that thing wait [ __ ]
what is your uncle talking about last
week you told me your family had a
private jet did you lie to me
you're remembering wrong
i told you we didn't have a private jet
shut up [ __ ] did i give you permission
to speak i don't think so and when my
personal [ __ ] speaks out of line he
deserves only the greatest of
punishments but of course you know that
don't you you naughty boy
you see kids this is why i don't want
you involved with the homosexual
lifestyle
stop stop spanking my son stop it
where the hell is that sound coming from
who is ruining our fun time sorry i
think that's my phone going off
[Music]
it's not my phone what about you sleep
[Music]
it's not my phone either
my way it's my phone going off it
domingo got a lot of [ __ ] constantly
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elena
check your phone
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no nobody's calling me sonia check if
it's you sweetie could it be one of your
[ __ ] friends
it's not me either mama well everybody
is shut up now i located the source of
the sack it's coming from my
one-of-a-kind gold-plated iphone that
costs 18 trillion and 32 million dollars
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um it looks like santa is calling me
again why do i have to have so many
annoying fans no [ __ ] way you really
do know santa hurry up answer it answer
it
bart libby partly i desperately need
your help can you hear me santa is that
gunfire right here in the background
what is going on it's the elf part levy
the elves are at it again they started a
slave uprising to make a long story
short my free head oas kringle jingle
and pringle tried to gang rape me they
managed to shove eight candy canes in my
ass before i could lock myself in my
office
oh eight whole candy canes that reminds
me of what happened to you last week
dingo
sleet sleepy you out there what the [ __ ]
do you want dingo i'm trying to put
together my new harry potter puzzle do
you remember that box of candy canes you
bought for me last week
well i need help
you need to get here fast please i don't
think i'll be able to get out of here by
myself i tripped and sprained my leg
while running to the office i won't be
able to walk for a couple hours
and i'm sure that will be enough time
for the oaks outside to find out how to
reach the doorknob
please help me oh my god
[Music]
it's the elves again they're throwing
magical glitter bombs at the door to try
and break it down
luckily elves are [ __ ] creatures
so they don't yet realize that magical
glitter bombs don't actually do anything
so i'm safe for a nap but it won't be
long before they find some other way to
get in here and drape me in my thick
butt cheeks bartleby we're going to save
santa aren't we
santa listen very carefully is there an
open window nearby that you could crawl
out of
[Music]
i'm afraid not the elves have got the
entire christmas village scoped out
[Music]
well what are you all standing around
for we've got to go save christmas
using my limitless wealth i bought all
the world's militaries for myself and
then i handpicked one by one those who i
believed to be the best soldiers this
world has to offer those i didn't
handpick have been personally
assassinated by me over 6 million
individuals and so it has come down to
just a handful of you do not disappoint
me the next 24 hours will be the
toughest fight of your life as we attack
the north pole and rescue santa claus
himself many of you will die i expect
that but i'm sure you do as well
godspeed soldiers to the north pole
[Applause]
we're almost at the drop zone everybody
take your seats and get ready to jump
hold the [ __ ] up nobody told me we would
be dropping out of a plane
nobody asked you to come either
in fact we would have preferred that you
didn't
well we wanted to meet santa too
we're just about to break into the
atmosphere everybody sit down it's about
to get bumpy
[Music]
hey what do you say when this is all
over we go to the roller skating rink
you kids love that place right we can go
as a family
can mindy and knuckles come too
of course they can
would uncle chuck be going with us i'll
stay home then
or we could all go sledding i hear it's
supposed to snow over the weekend we can
all go over to that hill beside the
house and take turns sliding down
do you remember how uncle chuck would
always push you kids down the hill you
had a blast oh yeah i wanna do that
you mean like that time uncle chuck
pushed me over a hill and i broke my arm
no thanks
i'm gonna go sit with my boyfriend until
we get there see ya
i'll go talk to him
bro
did mom tell you to come over here
cause i'm not going to apologize to
uncle chuck for what he did but bro we
know santa is real now
me and sonia are excited so why aren't
you
because uncle chuck lied
and that broken trust meant so much more
to me than santa claus ever did bro look
at it from their side
they did it to make us happy i can't
believe you're siding with them bro
you're supposed to be the cool and
rebellious one out of the three of us
what's the point of spiking your hair up
to look like grass if you are not going
to call my man uncle chuck out on their
[ __ ] it's not about picking sides
it's about understanding all our lives
we've been without but uncle chuck tries
his best to fill in that father figure
role sometimes he messes up but imagine
how hard things would be for us and mom
if he were never here
so you understand now bro
there's a plane flying overhead they
must be here to rescue santa shoot that
son of a [ __ ] down
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ah bro
[Music]
the drop zone it's time to begin
operation rescue
[Music]
places centers
each one replacing
like night into morning
straight into santa's office we'll find
him and take him to safety that is if
he's still alive everybody else you stay
out here and give us a clear getaway
shoot an image that crosses your path
bartlett be montclair of president if
anybody can't save me now
it's you
[Music]
we've got a fresh one boys
it's okay bro even if these elves [ __ ]
me in the ass you gotta go on without me
he's right [ __ ] we're so close it's
just a short run to santa's office
get your [ __ ] away from me
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me
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i'll be your eyes on the outside
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we've got you surrounded fat man so
don't even try to escape better yet pull
down your [ __ ] pants
[ __ ] it's the richest and sexiest man
alive and boyfriend of sonic the
hedgehog the world famous bartleby
montclair of dresden but look he doesn't
have a weapon we can kill him how
foolish of you to assume that i go
anywhere without a weapon
holy [ __ ]
bartlett be not clear of dresden thank
you you're welcome santa we only did
what we could shut up sonic i'm not
talking to you bartlett be montclair of
dresden i don't know how i could ever
repay you for saving my life
sorry we're late but the elf uprising
has been taken care of they all went
back to continue working in the toy
workshop
huh no no way is is that really manic
it's santa claus it's really him
then if that's really santa claus then
those books
it totally is
it's really santa's nice list
but
where is my name no matter how many
pages i flip through
i can't seem to find my name anywhere
manic look at this my name is in the
naughty list and yours too
and so is moms
i think that all of our names are on the
naughty list
what's going on the hedgehogs found
santa's naughty or nice list what no way
i wanna say i've been extra good this
year
what i'm on the naughty list i don't
understand
really makes you think doesn't it
the seasons come and go like thoughts of
you
like a wave returns to the sea into the
[Music]
delightful
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if we're all on the naughty list then
that means we've all been bad right but
i don't see my name in the naughty list
so maybe just maybe i've been good
actually sonic i'm afraid that the
reason you're not on either of those
lists is because you're worse than
anybody else here you're so bad santa
madelis just for you the naughty naughty
list
let me tell you something sonic the
hedgehog everybody makes mistakes
sometimes what matters is that you learn
from those mistakes and you always work
to bettering yourself who knows maybe
after what happened here today how your
friends saved me from getting gang raped
by like 5 000 does maybe i will
reconsider your friend's position on the
naughty list and also i should tell you
that your sister was wrong the reason
your name is in a different naughty book
isn't for anything bad
in fact that other book stands for the
hot kind of naughty if you know what i
mean bartleby
make sure you punish this naughty
naughty boy when you get home
oh you can trust me santa i most
certainly will
well i'd better get going my thousands
of presents aren't going to deliver
themselves merry christmas or some [ __ ]
santa are you okay of course i'm not
okay you blue [ __ ] i sprained my leg
while running from the elves with an
injury like this there's no way i will
be able to deliver all the presents on
time
bartlett be montclair of trusting i know
i have already asked so much of you
today but may i please make one last
request please with all your muscles and
might won't you fly my slay tonight and
deliver presents to all good little boys
and girls all around the world
are you sure you're going to be okay
it's gonna be cold out there you really
don't want uncle chuck to go with you
i'll be fine mom i'll be with bartleby
you all did enough
you all can go back home now but from
here on this is mine and bartleby's
fight bartleby and i will be back home
first thing on christmas morning are you
ready to fly now [ __ ] yes my lover i
was born ready
[Music]
what's the game plan bartleby how about
you fly the slay down and i climb down
the chimneys and deliver the presents no
time for that
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
sorry cyrus but this is you deserve for
stealing the last slice of my christmas
cheesecake
[Music]
hey pop would you do me a favor and stop
staring at my girl's ass well maybe if
your girlfriend would stop flocking it
like a dirty hilton before i'm good
[Music]
hey
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levy
[Music]
bartleby it's it's beautiful
thank you
i asked amos 12
345 himself to paint that for us in ms
paint i think he captured us beautifully
here beach there's one more
even more presents you spoil me bart
levy
[Music]
you