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thank you
daddy why do you always have me Piss On
this man's grave
was he a bad egg
what do you think [ __ ] he stabbed me in
the back with a cutless sword and ruined
my plan to finally get revenge on Uncle
Chuck
who's Uncle Chuck
Uncle Chuck is the uncle of the one and
only Sonic the Hedgehog Who Sonic the
Hedgehog
bartlebby's [ __ ]
damn
I know now pull up your pants we have to
hurry if we're going to make it in time
for the chili cook-off
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the [ __ ] do you mean are you saying I
can't participate unless I'm on a team
of three people
yep
what am I supposed to do let my wife and
son help me [ __ ] my Chili's been a top
secret Family Recipe passed down the
line of men my wife Nancy is a woman and
my son is going through animal phase
he hasn't even started middle school yet
and not yet a man
you'll have to excuse me for not giving
a [ __ ]
sweet tabouli salad Nancy are you
hearing this [ __ ] I've entered this
contest every year since I was 12 years
old and this is how they choose to repay
my ass
they never changed the rules not once go
get the medical cut out of the family
van cause if things don't change soon
I'm going to punch your face
this year we've decided to change things
around what are you gonna do about it
beat me up [ __ ] please your outfit and
haircut makes you look like a default
Lego minifigure
I do not tell him Nancy tell him I don't
look like a let go
it's okay father I like your chili in
fact I love it we can just go back home
and have it for dinner
while we sit at the dinner table
watching cartoons on our new Roku
television
look over there honey I think think I
Supply some people from our neighborhood
daddy aren't those the movies that
outshide our ass that one Halloween with
their super extreme haunted house
what
what Domingo
participated in myself
I'm terribly sorry sir but the rules
clearly State there have to be three
members
if you don't have anyone else who knows
how to cook go away
what no you didn't you smelly liar yet
you don't do anything but plays around
eating Ranch seasoned pretzel sticks
with a cold beer while watching reruns
of black and white shows
you have no life we wouldn't even be
here if my bro didn't want free chili oh
man yes
doesn't matter we don't listen to fat
guys with big mustaches
oh golly me what do we have here
public family quarreling with your
nephews again huh Mr Chuck what's the
issues this time
did you poop your pants begging your
nephews to wipe that nasty butt
that was
if he was you
wait you too
I I mean
how unfortunate for you
but it appears we are in the same boat
here
well not really the same boat
you're in a tiny little dinghy and I'm
in a yacht since my family is richer
than yours and all that [ __ ] but we are
still both in boats if you catch my
drift
howdy Neighbors did I hear you say you
were having trouble entering the
contests too
Randy or
Charles is that you pal what a
coincidence how's the family doing
anyway I heard you're looking for a team
you guys wouldn't happen to want to join
mine would you
hold on now let's rewind this a bit who
the hell are you again
my name's Randy I live next door to the
Hedge house
you know them too I'm surprised they
haven't talked about me
no actually they haven't in fact we
don't quite get along much
since they're jealous that my house has
one more story and three more rooms then
there's does
hmm
hold it Hedgehog guy what you think
you're putting there in my chili
it's raining foreign
no everybody knows real chili doesn't
include beans
no kidney beans no green beans no black
eyed peas not even bushes baked
he's ripe Chuck authentic chili does not
actually contain beans in fact the
original recipe for chili which was
created in the 1800s did not include
beans at all poor people just did that
over time to make it more filling but it
dilutes the flavor
is
so sexy
only to you now open the bag of Fritos
Fritos are we making chili orifrito pie
here I'm doing what I was born to do
which is whatever I [ __ ] want [ __ ]
this is supposed to be a team effer if
you were making chili to drop all over a
plate of nasty free toes we need to go
back and change the whole recipe
change the recipe ha big talk for a guy
who can't even change his shoes
why would I need to change my shoes
gosh darn it Mr Johnson Control your
demon child
don't talk to me I am very perturbed
right now
hey don't go pooping on my Dad's shoes
again or you're going to regret it
I'll poop on yours too [ __ ]
that's it I warned you Buckaroo we're
going to settle this like all 13 year
olds do with the power of Beyblade
sorry I only play back again
okay never mind then I guess
Sony it is
you got it Uncle Chuck you can count on
us
oh drat too much K and pepper seasoning
again why must these instructions be so
difficult to follow sometimes
Bro Look Bartleby is here let's go see
if he has any tips to spruce up Uncle
Chuck's chili
uh if it isn't my beach have you also
come to have a taste of some of
America's Finest chili
yes your guess is indeed correct I did
buy McCormick the spice and extract
manufacturing company
but isn't McCormick chili a prepackaged
box mix
yes and I'd say it really is quite tasty
I never made chili before so I figured
today would be the perfect opportunity
to dip my toes in the culinary field I
know pre-packaged chili mix isn't
anything special and I don't plan to win
any prize
but just being here among all these
fellow people who love Chile it's enough
to bring a theater to my eye
hey man don't look now but I think
someone over there is using pre-packaged
chili mix from Target
talk about quench bro
don't you dare laugh at him he's trying
his best okay
such a thing should be cause for
celebration and not to be ridiculed
yeah what my [ __ ] said
I don't need a couple of strict guys
telling me how to make McCormick's chili
I'm only here for fun and to meet new
people and make new friends
is that not why we're all here because
we all love Chile don't get me wrong
answers but if I so wondered I could
make a truly Dancer too tin that you
would be begging to get on my balls if
it meant you getting the recipe
[Applause]
or is that one of this contests stupid
rules too that you can't enjoy yourself
yet
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oh my God bro Bart will be just ripped
that guy's arm off
I did and I just want you to know one
thing you find piece of blueberry popped
up if my parents hear about this and
ground Me by God I will light
firecrackers up your ass
and pee on everything you love
now you're gonna stay here and help
pawpaw with your young Chile I'll be
clear or do you want your ass cheeks put
over my fireplace mantle
yes Bartel I mean master I live to do as
you say
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Mr Johnson stop it
no everyone knows Fritos goes on the
bottom and then she's and sour cream on
top
with the Fritos we're not making a Frito
chili pie
then what the hell are we doing here
making chili
well damn then I guess I'm not moving
forget this guy Chuck let's go find
another table and make our own chili
there
we go
that is it I've had it up to here with
you selfish bastards IM out like a fat
kid in Dodgeball
Randy white chili
don't try and stop me I should have
known it would never work out
I thought that because we were all from
the same neighborhood
and we had things in common like how
we're all middle-aged men
who look for excuses to hit the kids in
our own various personal lives
and we could put whatever course we may
have had behind our ass
but I suppose that's impossible with two
stuck up but kind of sexy [ __ ] like
you too
Randy go ahead put your chili in the
bowl
huh
you're right Randy about everything me
and my son
we dare I say have intacted very much
like white folk today have we
Randy
you guys do you really mean it
I guess
okay let's all spank each other as a
show of recognition
that sounds gay
it's not gay because that's what
baseball players do yet after playing
with balls for hours around sweatyman
let's just do it quickly before my wife
sees
I think we might need to do it again you
know just to be sure we did it's right
haha I didn't know you were into this
kind of [ __ ]
foreign
but what can be done the deadline for
the contest is just under seven minutes
from now
it's too late to make a new pot of chili
we we lost
chance
what do we do with the bag of Fritos and
can of beans
the competitors have now all completed
cooking their dishes it's time for the
judging to begin please step up when we
call your names
I would like to present to you the very
first official montcla family tree
passed down in my family starting from
this morning with the purchase of all 65
McCormick locations across 27 countries
mm-hmm
oh my the choice of spices is superb
what did you use ketchup
I don't know I didn't read what it said
on the packet hold up are you saying you
used a pre-packaged recipe
[ __ ] help me what do the words
pre-packaged mean
it means you bought it from a store
don't play with me I'm ABQ as a baby but
I'm not stupid like one
everything comes from the store well I
suppose but not technically
explain
do you see bartelby apples come from
trees which start out as a little seed
in the ground and then where does that
seed come from exactly the store smelly
boy
actually dear they come from other
apples
and apples I bought in the store are you
[ __ ] or are you pretending to be a
special needs child to piss me off
no I I I'll just start talking now
yo are you scared of me I'll give you
something to really be scared about
up so you're challenging me I see
outrating about being a passive [ __ ]
taught you well
you dare use my own attacks against me
fool I'm the one who taught you
everything you know
you can really take it as a power bottom
you know that
I'm not done with you yet
and now we're moving on to the final
contestants of the day everyone put your
hands together for Uncle Chuck Randy and
Mr Johnson
Jesus Christ it looks like a molten
bucket of [ __ ] are you sure this is safe
enough to eat
probably
it doesn't matter what it looks like or
smells like the three of us went through
a lot of trouble to create that dish so
you're gonna eat it
foreign
very well you have convinced me down the
hatchet goes boys eat a donkey Moss
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always
he's not breathing so I'm like 75 sure
he's dead
but don't worry you three won't be
charged for murder since all three of
you made the chili it would be
impossible to prove which one of your
guys ingredients was actually the part
that killed a man your man from entering
any more chili cook-offs from now on
though
wait it is that's that
no bro everyone for us
all who cares about that crap the way I
see it we all want something better than
some dumb blurban what
finding two great new friends
[Music]
hell yeah [ __ ] macaroni and cheese at
the local Hooters
you [ __ ] face you literally took the
words right out of my mouth
haha but I'll have to be home by seven
can't have the wife suspecting [ __ ] you
know
[Music]
say Spud your daddy Mr Johnson is
actually pretty cool
are you talking to me Randy is my dad
funny joke
I'm serious
[Music]
you know I've been wondering since the
minute I saw you today why does your son
have brown hair well both your and your
wife are blunt like me
now genetics I guess genetics can be
weird
no they can't
do you keep tabs on your wife where
you're away at work
I don't need to she's a stay-at-home mum
like all good [ __ ] are why do you ask
I see and this is the first day you met
sir Andy I take it
well yeah he's been in our neighborhood
forever though but we never got along
so you're saying your wife doesn't talk
with him well you're aware at work
obviously not
she lost the right to leave the house
unsupervised 13 years ago when I caught
her sneaking out of the house with a
plate of sandwiches how old is your son
13. what's your point [ __ ]
Hey kid does your mom ever get over to
that guy's house when he's away
sometimes
thought so your mom's or
save me
[Music]
show me all the places I've never known
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race all of these broken dreams and
flights
oh well
foreign
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