WEBVTT
Kind: captions
Language: en-GB

00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.500
so you wanna know about my first time?

00:00:03.000 --> 00:00:05.000
well why don't I just show you?

00:00:05.500 --> 00:00:08.000
it was a long, dark night

00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:08.500
[sure it was]

00:00:09.000 --> 00:00:11.800
I was probably drinking more than I should have, I was young

00:00:11.800 --> 00:00:12.300
[Felix drinking? sounds about right]

00:00:12.300 --> 00:00:14.300
I was reckless, I was ruthless

00:00:15.000 --> 00:00:17.000
I was sexy

00:00:17.500 --> 00:00:19.000
[lol you still are, sorry not sorry]

00:00:20.000 --> 00:00:21.000
wait a minute

00:00:21.000 --> 00:00:23.000
this isn't family friendly!

00:00:23.000 --> 00:00:24.000
[Family Friendly Felix, I love money too much]

00:00:24.000 --> 00:00:25.000
[great song, am I right? no? okay]

00:00:26.000 --> 00:00:27.000
Fuck!
[totally family friendly]

00:00:27.000 --> 00:00:28.000
*cute laugh*

00:00:28.000 --> 00:00:31.500
"My First Time" videosss

00:00:31.500 --> 00:00:33.300
they're my favorite kind of videos

00:00:33.300 --> 00:00:35.800
just add the title "My First Time"

00:00:35.800 --> 00:00:37.800
and make a stupid fucking face

00:00:37.800 --> 00:00:40.000
and you've got yourself millions of views boi

00:00:40.000 --> 00:00:41.800
how about a, how about an Alfie?

00:00:41.800 --> 00:00:43.800
how about a, are you gonna click on this?

00:00:43.800 --> 00:00:45.000
would you click on this?

00:00:45.000 --> 00:00:45.800
*weird facial expression*

00:00:45.800 --> 00:00:46.500
[yeah, I'd click on that]

00:00:46.500 --> 00:00:47.500
my first time

00:00:47.500 --> 00:00:49.500
MY FIRST TIME

00:00:49.800 --> 00:00:50.800
[I'd still click]

00:00:50.800 --> 00:00:51.800
*scream*

00:00:51.800 --> 00:00:52.800
nothing sexual

00:00:52.800 --> 00:00:55.300
nothing sexual though guys, it's family friendly

00:00:56.000 --> 00:00:56.800
[idk if that's family friendly]

00:00:56.800 --> 00:00:58.000
I love this girl

00:00:58.000 --> 00:00:59.000
she's probably my favorite

00:00:59.000 --> 00:01:01.300
not even trying to make it family friendly

00:01:01.800 --> 00:01:03.800
"My First Time Giving Head"

00:01:03.800 --> 00:01:14.300
*video plays*

00:01:14.800 --> 00:01:15.800
*Felix hits head on soundboard*

00:01:15.800 --> 00:01:20.000
*PoPiPo by Hatsune Miko plays*

00:01:20.000 --> 00:01:22.000
[yes I looked it up, idk what my life has come to]

00:01:23.000 --> 00:01:24.000
*Family Friendly Felix plays in background*

00:01:24.000 --> 00:01:25.000
I don't-

00:01:25.000 --> 00:01:26.000
how do I s-

00:01:26.000 --> 00:01:27.000
*contemplates life for a second*

00:01:27.500 --> 00:01:28.500
okay

00:01:28.500 --> 00:01:30.500
*video plays again*

00:01:30.500 --> 00:01:36.000
*girl says to subscribe and follow her on social media*

00:01:36.000 --> 00:01:38.500
I'm gonna respectfully decline on that offer

00:01:38.500 --> 00:01:41.000
but I do appreciate 'cause it seemed like

00:01:41.000 --> 00:01:42.000
an enticing-

00:01:42.000 --> 00:01:43.000
enticing videos

00:01:43.000 --> 00:01:47.000
*another video plays*

00:01:47.000 --> 00:01:48.000
*girl says she's gonna get lit*

00:01:48.000 --> 00:01:51.000
*video continues*

00:01:51.000 --> 00:01:51.800
*Felix realizes what she said*

00:01:51.800 --> 00:01:53.100
what? what just happened?

00:01:53.100 --> 00:01:55.800
"Anyway guys my arm...let's get fUCKING HIGH"

00:01:55.800 --> 00:01:57.800
everyone that's old school

00:01:57.800 --> 00:02:01.000
on YouTube has done a "My First Time" video

00:02:01.000 --> 00:02:02.800
I haven't done one yet

00:02:02.800 --> 00:02:03.800
even Dan did

00:02:03.800 --> 00:02:04.800
[danisnotonfire, am I right? no again? okay?]

00:02:04.800 --> 00:02:08.300
*Dan's video plays*

00:02:08.300 --> 00:02:13.000
*Dan describes his first kiss happening during a spin the bottle game*

00:02:13.000 --> 00:02:15.000
*says he won't name who it was*

00:02:16.000 --> 00:02:17.000
it was me

00:02:17.000 --> 00:02:18.000
*kills everyone with a wink*

00:02:18.000 --> 00:02:20.000
I don't understand why you never called Daniel

00:02:20.000 --> 00:02:21.000
[uh-oh Dan exposed]

00:02:21.000 --> 00:02:22.500
what was wrong?

00:02:23.000 --> 00:02:26.800
it was fate that the bottle landed on us

00:02:26.800 --> 00:02:31.800
yeah, even companies adopted this formula of "My First Time"

00:02:31.800 --> 00:02:35.000
because of the slightly sexual undertones

00:02:35.000 --> 00:02:36.000
Tempur did one

00:02:38.000 --> 00:02:40.000
"we asked couples about their first time"

00:02:42.000 --> 00:02:43.000
"oh man"

00:02:44.000 --> 00:02:54.000
*Tempurpedic commercial about their first time using a tempur mattress*

00:02:55.000 --> 00:02:58.500
they're talking about the mattress, not anything else, genius!

00:02:58.500 --> 00:02:59.500
*MLG airhorn*

00:02:59.500 --> 00:03:01.300
family friendly

00:03:01.800 --> 00:03:03.000
as fuck

00:03:03.300 --> 00:03:06.000
*Tempurpedic commercial plays again*

00:03:06.000 --> 00:03:08.000
that's hilarious

00:03:08.000 --> 00:03:09.000
that's hilarious

00:03:09.000 --> 00:03:10.500
that's so hilarious

00:03:10.500 --> 00:03:13.500
that I think I might just jump out the window and never-

00:03:13.500 --> 00:03:16.000
this has been great guys, I appreciate ya

00:03:16.000 --> 00:03:17.000
[lol bye Felix]

00:03:17.300 --> 00:03:18.000
[okay welcome back I guess]

00:03:18.000 --> 00:03:19.000
alright I'm back

00:03:19.000 --> 00:03:21.700
*video asks who the first person you subscribed to on youtube*

00:03:21.700 --> 00:03:22.500
PewDiePie

00:03:22.500 --> 00:03:23.000
god!

00:03:23.300 --> 00:03:28.500
these first time TAG videos are god damn TERRIBLE

00:03:29.000 --> 00:03:33.300
I need to make one myself and show everyone I can do it

00:03:33.300 --> 00:03:34.800
where's the fuckin tag rules

00:03:34.800 --> 00:03:35.800
come on where is it

00:03:35.800 --> 00:03:36.800
here we go

00:03:36.800 --> 00:03:38.300
Your first tweet?

00:03:39.000 --> 00:03:40.300
easy

00:03:41.000 --> 00:03:42.300
it was to Nelson Mandella

00:03:42.800 --> 00:03:44.000
I told him

00:03:44.000 --> 00:03:45.300
[what'd you tell him?]

00:03:45.300 --> 00:03:46.500
I told him

00:03:46.500 --> 00:03:47.500
[keep going]

00:03:47.500 --> 00:03:48.800
yo dawg!

00:03:48.800 --> 00:03:49.500
[really Felix?]

00:03:49.800 --> 00:03:51.500
let's make a youtube channel

00:03:51.500 --> 00:03:54.800
I think it's gonna be *MLG airhorn* hella tight

00:03:54.800 --> 00:03:58.800
no reply uh, I don't understand what was wrong with the tweet

00:03:58.800 --> 00:04:02.000
hey Nelson if you're watching if you wanna invest in underwater rats

00:04:02.000 --> 00:04:04.300
hit me up dawg

00:04:04.500 --> 00:04:05.800
is he still alive?

00:04:05.800 --> 00:04:07.000
he's not alive, is he?

00:04:07.000 --> 00:04:08.500
My first YouTube video?

00:04:08.500 --> 00:04:12.300
now a lot of people seem to think it's this stupid Minecraft video

00:04:12.300 --> 00:04:20.000
*stupid Minecraft video plays*

00:04:20.000 --> 00:04:23.500
Minecraft *MLG airhorn* is not the first video I did

00:04:23.500 --> 00:04:26.000
shocking! prepare for this news!

00:04:26.000 --> 00:04:27.000
[thanks for the kiss, I'm dead now]

00:04:27.000 --> 00:04:30.000
because I have a bunch of privated videos on my channel

00:04:30.000 --> 00:04:32.300
that ain't nobody is ever gonna see

00:04:32.300 --> 00:04:34.800
and if those videos come out in public

00:04:34.800 --> 00:04:36.800
I might just actually have to jump out the window

00:04:36.800 --> 00:04:37.800
like I was saying

00:04:38.800 --> 00:04:40.300
Call of Duty: Black Ops

00:04:41.300 --> 00:04:43.800
*a fetus Felix introduces himself in the background*

00:04:43.800 --> 00:04:44.500
nope

00:04:45.000 --> 00:04:47.500
[oh stop, you were cute and you know it]

00:04:49.300 --> 00:04:50.300
hell no

00:04:50.500 --> 00:04:56.300
*fetus Felix introduces himself yet again*

00:04:56.300 --> 00:05:00.300
*talks about how apparently saying "PewDiePie" too loud is annoying*

00:05:00.300 --> 00:05:04.000
well I guess seven years later, I still haven't learned!

00:05:04.000 --> 00:05:06.500
PEWWWDIEPIEEE

00:05:06.500 --> 00:05:08.000
WELCOME TO POODIEPIE

00:05:08.000 --> 00:05:10.000
*imitates fetus self* "hey guys"

00:05:10.000 --> 00:05:11.800
fuckin hell

00:05:11.800 --> 00:05:13.000
I was way cooler back then

00:05:13.000 --> 00:05:18.500
*fetus Felix returns yet again in the background*

00:05:18.500 --> 00:05:21.500
I remember this video very specifically because

00:05:21.500 --> 00:05:26.000
it was the very first time someone asked me to play more of Amnesia

00:05:26.000 --> 00:05:31.500
this was at the same time I transitioned from Call of Duty to doing horror letsplays

00:05:32.100 --> 00:05:35.000
while I was recording this someone wrote me

00:05:35.000 --> 00:05:37.800
being like "hey when's the next episode coming up"

00:05:37.800 --> 00:05:40.000
and I'm like "yo dawg, it's comin"

00:05:40.800 --> 00:05:42.300
"hell yeah, it's gonna be..."

00:05:42.300 --> 00:05:43.300
[I'm guessing pretty lit]

00:05:43.300 --> 00:05:44.300
ya know

00:05:44.300 --> 00:05:54.300
*fetus Felix commentates in the background*

00:05:54.300 --> 00:05:56.300
[so cute, am I right? yeah, I know I am]

00:05:56.300 --> 00:05:59.800
hell yeah and I'm also, I'm also recking this shit

00:05:59.800 --> 00:06:02.800
37-2 suck on that...those toes

00:06:02.800 --> 00:06:03.500
*mouth close up*

00:06:03.500 --> 00:06:04.300
bitch

00:06:04.300 --> 00:06:06.800
First person I subscribed to on YouTube?

00:06:06.800 --> 00:06:08.300
Jacksepticeye

00:06:08.300 --> 00:06:09.800
[of course you said Seán]

00:06:09.800 --> 00:06:10.800
Ray William Johnson

00:06:10.800 --> 00:06:13.300
don't fuckin tell anyone about that one okay?

00:06:13.300 --> 00:06:14.300
[too late]

00:06:14.500 --> 00:06:15.500
dark times

00:06:16.500 --> 00:06:17.500
also come on

00:06:17.500 --> 00:06:19.800
everyone subscribe to Ray William Johnson

00:06:20.500 --> 00:06:22.500
First Facebook profile pic?

00:06:22.500 --> 00:06:25.000
I'm loving this! this is so easy, I don't have to do-

00:06:25.000 --> 00:06:27.000
I just have to fuckin answer questions

00:06:27.000 --> 00:06:29.000
I don't have to prepare anything

00:06:29.000 --> 00:06:30.000
best shit ever

00:06:30.000 --> 00:06:32.800
yeah no, that's DEFINITELY a good picture

00:06:32.800 --> 00:06:33.800
20-

00:06:33.800 --> 00:06:35.800
2007, ten years ago

00:06:36.500 --> 00:06:37.500
is that-

00:06:37.500 --> 00:06:38.500
you can't even see me

00:06:38.540 --> 00:06:39.500
[still cute though]

00:06:39.500 --> 00:06:43.000
it's so backlit you can't even fuckin see me

00:06:43.000 --> 00:06:46.500
excellent choice of a picture Felix I think you really nailed it

00:06:46.500 --> 00:06:50.000
can we try and lit it up so like we see how I actually look now

00:06:50.800 --> 00:06:53.500
okay well that's how I looked like

00:06:53.500 --> 00:06:54.700
oh, no

00:06:54.700 --> 00:06:55.800
okay

00:06:56.500 --> 00:06:58.500
[boi you beautiful both then AND now]

00:06:59.000 --> 00:07:00.000
oh

00:07:00.000 --> 00:07:02.800
a face only a mother can love, excellent

00:07:02.800 --> 00:07:04.800
Do you still talk to your first love?

00:07:04.800 --> 00:07:06.500
*sad music plays as his memories of Dan come back*

00:07:06.500 --> 00:07:08.000
Dan

00:07:08.000 --> 00:07:09.500
what happened?

00:07:09.500 --> 00:07:11.500
we never talk anymore

00:07:11.800 --> 00:07:13.500
I don't understand

00:07:13.800 --> 00:07:14.800
[I don't think he does either]

00:07:15.000 --> 00:07:17.000
where did it go wrong?

00:07:17.000 --> 00:07:18.000
[it was doomed from the start]

00:07:18.000 --> 00:07:20.000
did you not like it?

00:07:20.500 --> 00:07:21.000
*weird noise*

00:07:21.000 --> 00:07:22.500
What was your first job?

00:07:22.500 --> 00:07:24.500
I used to work at a tennis court

00:07:24.800 --> 00:07:26.800
in the middle of nowhere and uh

00:07:26.800 --> 00:07:28.300
there was really not much to do

00:07:28.300 --> 00:07:30.500
but I would take care of the courts

00:07:30.500 --> 00:07:32.300
there was three of them

00:07:32.300 --> 00:07:35.300
a lot of times it rained and I had absolutely nothing to do

00:07:35.300 --> 00:07:38.500
but sit around and play Guitar Hero on the Nintendo DS

00:07:38.500 --> 00:07:39.500
it was fuckin-

00:07:39.500 --> 00:07:40.500
I'm pretty good at it

00:07:41.000 --> 00:07:43.000
I'm pretty good at Guitar Hero on DS

00:07:43.000 --> 00:07:45.000
I think that's my main game you know if

00:07:45.000 --> 00:07:47.500
anyone challenged me for a duel in any game ever

00:07:47.500 --> 00:07:48.500
I would be like

00:07:48.500 --> 00:07:49.500
Guitar Hero

00:07:50.500 --> 00:07:52.000
DS mothafucka

00:07:52.000 --> 00:07:56.500
*Guitar Hero DS commercial plays*

00:07:56.500 --> 00:07:58.500
see look that's definitely cool

00:07:58.500 --> 00:07:59.500
[sure it is Felix]

00:07:59.500 --> 00:08:02.500
*commercial continues to play*

00:08:02.500 --> 00:08:10.000
*Felix cringes at commerical but continues to watch*

00:08:10.800 --> 00:08:14.800
yeah you, you definitely needed a multiplayer mode for this fuckin game

00:08:14.800 --> 00:08:16.800
What was your first alcoholic drink?

00:08:17.800 --> 00:08:20.500
well back in, back in the day we would have to-

00:08:20.500 --> 00:08:23.000
you have to be 21 to buy alcohol in Sweden

00:08:23.500 --> 00:08:25.000
unless you're at a bar

00:08:25.000 --> 00:08:26.000
[the more you know]

00:08:26.800 --> 00:08:28.800
so what we would do, don't do this by the way-

00:08:28.800 --> 00:08:31.000
but what we would do was we would call this guy

00:08:31.000 --> 00:08:33.000
I don't know, this random number

00:08:33.000 --> 00:08:35.000
he would show up in a car

00:08:35.000 --> 00:08:35.800
uh

00:08:35.800 --> 00:08:37.000
dump a (swedish word)

00:08:37.000 --> 00:08:38.800
I don't know what it's called in English

00:08:38.800 --> 00:08:41.000
a (swedish word) of beer and uh

00:08:41.800 --> 00:08:45.000
it was this weird fuckin like Polish beer

00:08:45.000 --> 00:08:47.000
not cooled

00:08:48.000 --> 00:08:50.000
and I remember just like

00:08:50.000 --> 00:08:55.000
we would, we would drink it like we, like we were fuckin connoisseurs of beer like

00:08:55.000 --> 00:08:57.000
*drinks pretend beer*

00:08:58.000 --> 00:09:00.000
*doesn't like taste of pretend beer*

00:09:00.000 --> 00:09:01.000
oh wow

00:09:02.000 --> 00:09:04.500
it's so good

00:09:06.500 --> 00:09:07.000
*takes another sip*

00:09:07.500 --> 00:09:08.000
*scream*

00:09:08.000 --> 00:09:10.800
it's so fuckin good

00:09:10.800 --> 00:09:13.000
my god I love beer

00:09:13.000 --> 00:09:14.700
What was your first car?

00:09:14.700 --> 00:09:16.500
my Mini that I have here in UK

00:09:16.500 --> 00:09:17.500
I bought it-

00:09:17.500 --> 00:09:19.800
I got it licensed when I was 21

00:09:19.800 --> 00:09:20.700
is that still a meme?

00:09:20.700 --> 00:09:21.300
[no it's not Felix]

00:09:21.300 --> 00:09:22.100
*MLG airhorn*

00:09:22.100 --> 00:09:23.500
I know it's good, good one

00:09:23.500 --> 00:09:25.500
yeah, got a Mini here, I really like it

00:09:25.500 --> 00:09:27.800
uh, don't have it anymore, got a Volvo now

00:09:28.000 --> 00:09:30.500
hell yeah, representing Sweden

00:09:30.500 --> 00:09:32.500
that's right, got 'em

00:09:32.500 --> 00:09:34.500
I'm just kidding I have six lambos

00:09:34.500 --> 00:09:36.400
Who was your first teacher?

00:09:36.400 --> 00:09:37.900
uh, Marianne

00:09:37.900 --> 00:09:38.500
hot babe

00:09:38.800 --> 00:09:41.100
how you doin baby? hit me up

00:09:41.100 --> 00:09:43.100
*weird winking*

00:09:43.100 --> 00:09:46.500
I don't know why I'm hitting on my old teacher she's probably like 80/70 years old

00:09:46.500 --> 00:09:48.700
What was the first concert you ever went to?

00:09:48.700 --> 00:09:50.500
is this really what people give a shit about?

00:09:50.500 --> 00:09:52.500
there's nothing sexual?

00:09:52.500 --> 00:09:53.800
What was your first kiss?

00:09:53.800 --> 00:09:55.300
*weird burp*

00:09:55.300 --> 00:09:57.300
sorry I was just reminded of it

00:09:57.300 --> 00:10:01.800
I was at this party one time and we-

00:10:01.800 --> 00:10:03.800
we were all sitting in a circle

00:10:03.800 --> 00:10:07.000
and then one person was like hey we should do spin the bottle and then-

00:10:07.000 --> 00:10:09.000
I'm kidding, I'm kidding I was uh

00:10:09.000 --> 00:10:11.900
I was really young, I was like 5 years old or some shit

00:10:11.900 --> 00:10:13.000
so I don't really-

00:10:13.000 --> 00:10:14.800
I don't think it counts when you're that young

00:10:14.800 --> 00:10:17.500
yeah, no, it was uh with my first girlfriend Emmy

00:10:17.500 --> 00:10:21.000
I remember we used to go there was like this little shed in school right?

00:10:22.000 --> 00:10:24.500
I don't know why I said it like you know what I'm talking about

00:10:24.500 --> 00:10:28.300
there was this little shed, we would hide in there and we would do what we in Sweden call

00:10:28.300 --> 00:10:29.500
(swedish word)

00:10:29.500 --> 00:10:33.800
which is basically the lamborghini of kisses okay

00:10:33.800 --> 00:10:37.500
it's basically, you just do a kiss for a very long time

00:10:37.500 --> 00:10:39.300
like at least three seconds

00:10:39.300 --> 00:10:41.300
it's pretty *MLG airhorn* it's pretty wild

00:10:41.300 --> 00:10:43.000
it's pretty wild

00:10:43.000 --> 00:10:45.300
I think it's time to wrap up this video, what do you think?

00:10:45.300 --> 00:10:47.000
alright then

00:10:47.000 --> 00:10:47.800
*PoPiPo by Hatsune Miko plays in the background*

00:10:47.800 --> 00:10:50.000
thank you for watching "My First Time"

00:10:50.300 --> 00:10:51.800
I hope you learned a lot

00:10:51.800 --> 00:10:53.500
'cause I certainly did

00:10:53.500 --> 00:10:55.800
also the first time I stuck a-

00:10:56.300 --> 00:10:57.300
[wow Felix what a cliffhanger]

00:10:57.300 --> 00:10:58.300
[you're a troll but I love you]

00:11:00.000 --> 00:11:01.000
window

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WINDOW