WEBVTT
Kind: captions
Language: en

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[Red Alert 3 Soviet Theme]

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Ze snails

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I have tech-

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I have engineered zem.

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You think snails

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Are slow?

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Ive made zem fast

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Oh God

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Ugh. Ugkh.

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This snail, I have infused with my DNA

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To go faster than any snail

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Ha!

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Snail go fast!

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Funny.

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This snail go fast...

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...on water.

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[disgusted cries] 
OOOOOOG

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[louderdisgusting cries] 
OGGG

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My three snails, Hillary-

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Cli- Eeeeughh

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My three snails:

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Hillary,

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Trump,

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Squirtle,

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Will race for my love.

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Can we take them away? This is disgusting

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Coming 2017

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The snails will race...

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For science!

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I have, ze gay sailman

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Who I entrust

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With

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Hillary

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Gay sailman, get Hillary.

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[ihatemyjob.mp4]

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Shes a quick one

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[Slaps ass]

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Handle her with respect and dignity

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Follow me, my child.

00:01:18.440 --> 00:01:21.040
Make sure Hillary goes at least...

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20 miles per hour.

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Go.

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Make it go!

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Ze fuck are you doing?

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Michael: Do I push it?

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Push it!

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[Cheerful boat music]

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[Music continues]

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Well done Hillary, well done

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You doing great

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You doing-

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You totally gonna win the election!

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I've trained this snail, my whole life.

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That snail knows what it's doing.

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Ohhh

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Hillary!

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She's a crazy bitch.

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I'm- Were going to be

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OH-Oh!  Hillary!

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[Rock music plays]

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That crazy bitch.

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Ze next sailor...

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is Trump.

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He goes hard,

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He's very rich,

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He's got a nice boat,

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And he will be controlled by...

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Pimp.

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[Pimp-worthy music plays]

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Pimp,

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Can I trust you with Trump?

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Pimp: Slap it

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I only sla-*Laughs*

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[Slaps]

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Pimp: Ow.

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Pimp: What the fuck... are you doing?

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[Both laugh]

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Mr. Pimp, you've got Trump?

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Send him in.

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Very good.

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He's gonna wreck that bitch!

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Oh!

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Owh!

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Oh, shit!

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Go, Trump!

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Aw, shit, he's fucking sinking!

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What the fuck are you doing?

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Giving you a push--I got your legs!

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I got your legs, get 'im!

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Get 'im boy!

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Come on!

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Come on, Trump!

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Come on!

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Yeah!

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Get em'!

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[Pimp laughs]

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Gimme that!

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Gimme that [laughs]

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You piece of shit!

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[Rock music]

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(Expectation)

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(Reality)

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(Expectation)

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(Reality)

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[Sad music]

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[Soviet march]

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I will send out...

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...mein größte achievement.

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Squirtle.

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Ive infused him with mein own DNA

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Some say, he's faster than Keemstar!

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Fast. As. Fuck!

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Cameraman: Boiii! *Laughs*

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Boiiiiii!

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Squirtle.

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Mein son.

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It's time!

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Go!

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[epic music]

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GO!

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[Music gets louder]

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YES!

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[Music continues]

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Fuck!

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[Music stops abruptly]

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Did we pick the worst fuckin' lake ever? Like what the f-

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[Sad music]

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Fire the cannon!
[RA3 music starts.. for the 3rd time]

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[Cannons firing]

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[Explosions]

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[BIGGER Explosions]

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[Cannon fire]

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[EVEN BIGGER Explosion]

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[Squirtles fainting]

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Squirtle.

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I need to save him!

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[More Squirtles fainting]

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Send in zi helicopter

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[Blades whirring]

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Tiniest gust of wind, dude.

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[Fans whirring again]

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Oww!

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Yes! 
[Jurassic Park theme plays]

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[Bystander laughs]

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Girl: Shit, is that a part of it? Did you had to do that?

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P: What are you laughing at? 
Bystander : Nothing at all

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You think this is funny?

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[Music started to playing]

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Woah?

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What the f-

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Ahh

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[Jurassic park theme continues]

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*Squirte Squirtle*

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*Squirte Squirtle Squirtle Squirtle*

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Aw shit!

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Oh no!

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Cameraman: Oh no!

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Cameraman: Ohhh no!

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Ohhoh..

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Aww D:

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Michael

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Will you go in for me?

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How is it?

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Your underpants are inside out!

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Michael: I know!

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Michael: Ah!

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P: What!?

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Let me borrow it

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*Squirtle Squirtle*

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My son is saved!

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[Finale of Jurassic park music]

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We fled..

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To Argentina.

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Me and Squirtle made it back safe

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*Squirtle Squirtle*

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But vat we didn't know

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Was zat the greatest boat

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Vas Hillary

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And vat we didn't know..

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Was that Hillary..

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Would sail across the Atlantic

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She would sail to America

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To become..

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Ze presiden--

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[Epic music]