[Red Alert 3 Soviet Theme]
Ze snails
I have tech-
I have engineered zem.
You think snails
Are slow?
Ive made zem fast
Oh God
Ugh. Ugkh.
This snail, I have infused with my DNA
To go faster than any snail
Ha!
Snail go fast!
Funny.
This snail go fast...
...on water.
[disgusted cries] OOOOOOG
[louderdisgusting cries] OGGG
My three snails, Hillary-
Cli- Eeeeughh
My three snails:
Hillary,
Trump,
Squirtle,
Will race for my love.
Can we take them away? This is disgusting
Coming 2017
The snails will race...
For science!
I have, ze gay sailman
Who I entrust
With
Hillary
Gay sailman, get Hillary.
[ihatemyjob.mp4]
Shes a quick one
[Slaps ass]
Handle her with respect and dignity
Follow me, my child.
Make sure Hillary goes at least...
20 miles per hour.
Go.
Make it go!
Ze fuck are you doing?
Michael: Do I push it?
Push it!
[Cheerful boat music]
[Music continues]
Well done Hillary, well done
You doing great
You doing-
You totally gonna win the election!
I've trained this snail, my whole life.
That snail knows what it's doing.
Ohhh
Hillary!
She's a crazy bitch.
I'm- Were going to be
OH-Oh! Hillary!
[Rock music plays]
That crazy bitch.
Ze next sailor...
is Trump.
He goes hard,
He's very rich,
He's got a nice boat,
And he will be controlled by...
Pimp.
[Pimp-worthy music plays]
Pimp,
Can I trust you with Trump?
Pimp: Slap it
I only sla-*Laughs*
[Slaps]
Pimp: Ow.
Pimp: What the fuck... are you doing?
[Both laugh]
Mr. Pimp, you've got Trump?
Send him in.
Very good.
He's gonna wreck that bitch!
Oh!
Owh!
Oh, shit!
Go, Trump!
Aw, shit, he's fucking sinking!
What the fuck are you doing?
Giving you a push--I got your legs!
I got your legs, get 'im!
Get 'im boy!
Come on!
Come on, Trump!
Come on!
Yeah!
Get em'!
[Pimp laughs]
Gimme that!
Gimme that [laughs]
You piece of shit!
[Rock music]
(Expectation)
(Reality)
(Expectation)
(Reality)
[Sad music]
[Soviet march]
I will send out...
...mein größte achievement.
Squirtle.
Ive infused him with mein own DNA
Some say, he's faster than Keemstar!
Fast. As. Fuck!
Cameraman: Boiii! *Laughs*
Boiiiiii!
Squirtle.
Mein son.
It's time!
Go!
[epic music]
GO!
[Music gets louder]
YES!
[Music continues]
Fuck!
[Music stops abruptly]
Did we pick the worst fuckin' lake ever? Like what the f-
[Sad music]
Fire the cannon! [RA3 music starts.. for the 3rd time]
[Cannons firing]
[Explosions]
[BIGGER Explosions]
[Cannon fire]
[EVEN BIGGER Explosion]
[Squirtles fainting]
Squirtle.
I need to save him!
[More Squirtles fainting]
Send in zi helicopter
[Blades whirring]
Tiniest gust of wind, dude.
[Fans whirring again]
Oww!
Yes! [Jurassic Park theme plays]
[Bystander laughs]
Girl: Shit, is that a part of it? Did you had to do that?
P: What are you laughing at? Bystander : Nothing at all
You think this is funny?
[Music started to playing]
Woah?
What the f-
Ahh
[Jurassic park theme continues]
*Squirte Squirtle*
*Squirte Squirtle Squirtle Squirtle*
Aw shit!
Oh no!
Cameraman: Oh no!
Cameraman: Ohhh no!
Ohhoh..
Aww D:
Michael
Will you go in for me?
How is it?
Your underpants are inside out!
Michael: I know!
Michael: Ah!
P: What!?
Let me borrow it
*Squirtle Squirtle*
My son is saved!
[Finale of Jurassic park music]
We fled..
To Argentina.
Me and Squirtle made it back safe
*Squirtle Squirtle*
But vat we didn't know
Was zat the greatest boat
Vas Hillary
And vat we didn't know..
Was that Hillary..
Would sail across the Atlantic
She would sail to America
To become..
Ze presiden--
[Epic music]