Nyeh!
And thus ends this villainous legacy forever!
Four- *Trips over everything*
Well that’s not much a good look hey you’ve aged well-
Aaaaaaaaaaahh!!
~~Meanwhile in America~~
The next thing you will say is “Actually I was a bad guy this whole time!”
...And then you will be shot by my gun
Actually I was a bad guy th- what
*Oh the lack of humanity*
Thankfully as I am now a vampire I am immune to gunshots so all that did was annoy me really
Fire in the hole!
- Oh my god - *Explosion*
~~5 years… Earlier?~~
I wanna be SPIDERMAN when I grow up!
*Plane crashing noises*
~~5 years later~~
And that was when I knew he was destined for greatness!
Quiet old man!
We the literal n*GERMAN SOLDIERS* have transported this giant stone pillar
...Into this airtight containment chamber because we’re very smart
*Huuueghhhhh*
I just learned the word “osmosis”
WHY IS THIS CONTAINMENT CHAMBER NOT AIRTIGHT
It is I, Joseph Joestar! I have infiltrated this facility-
...By disguising myself as a na-*GERMAN SOLDIER* and also a woman
JoJo! You must defeat backwards ribcage guy!
How! Also what?
I have discovered using my backwards ribcage that you have magic sunlight powers
...ew
As my regular magic sunlight powers do not appear to be strong enough to defeat you we must open the door-
...Because that’s where the actual sunlight is- Actually you do it- *hup*
- AHHHH THANK YOU - *huueghhhh*
AAAAAAA
HE IS NOW INSIDE ME AND I WILL KILL HIM WITH THIS GRENADE BUT FIRST WHILE I AM IN IMMENSE PAIN-
I WILL TELL YOU THAT THERE’S ACTUALLY ANOTHER PILLAR WITH MORE MEN IN IT IN EUROPE AND YOU MUST GO TO EUROPE
TO KILL THEM BUT FIRST ACTUALLY YOU NEED TO MEET A MAN IN ROME AND HE’LL HELP YOU
KILL THESE MEN FROM PILLARS I AM NOW DUBBING...
..."COLUMN FELLOWS"
I would prefer if you elaborated-
FIRE IN THE HOLE
- Oh my god - *Explosion but in German*
Thankfully as I am a pseudo-mega-ancient-vampire or something that’s barely elaborated on
I am immune to grenade blasts so all that did was annoy me really
Seismic toss into the well
The next thing you will say is “Oh no I’m dying now because I didn’t realize it was actually high noon-"
"-and the water at the bottom of the well is reflecting sunlight!”
- Oh- ~~Meanwhile in Rome~~
I am Caesar Zeppeli and I hate you
I hate you too
My special ability is bubbles
Thanks I hate it
~~And then the Column Fellows exited their Column~~
Aiyaiyaiyaiyaiy
*It's not a trumpet in the original song but I wanted to animate Esidisi playing a trumpet*
Whatever you did and/or are about to do is unforgivable, cease progression this instant!
Roll for charisma
Twenty!
Ugh- fine I won’t kill you but I’m still gonna put this poison ring thing around your heart-
...And the only cure is in my lip ring you will die in 33 days
...You need to beat me before then
Oh no! Might be an issue because I wasn’t able to kill you with my most powerful attack:
Confusing spinny balls!
Better get training then bye lol
...Also here’s another ring around your windpipe hahahahahahhaha
HEY THAT WASN'T PART OF THE DEAL!
~~Meanwhile, in Venice~~
I hope-
I Lisa Lisa will train you by forcing you to climb out of the oil pit of shame for two and a half days!
Wait but the oil pit of shame literally kills people wouldn’t that be murder?
...U-uh- Your breathing is wrong, ehh-
This sucks and I still hate you
~~Two and a half days later~~
We’re best friends now also I’m VERY TIRED
You have now proven yourselves worthy now you must train with these tall hat guys for a looooooong time
~~They did~~
I only have a week left to live now!
Look at this rock! It’s a special rock that conducts sunlight a bajillion times-
...And the column fellows need it because they want to become super ultra mega vampires-
...Using their stabby blood masks because their heads are literally too strong to be stabbed without it
What a non-sequitur! I hope this doesn’t tie into the training final exam with the tall hat guy I’m about to go do
I’m not the tall hat guy because I killed the tall hat guy looking for the special rock!
Sucks! Anyways I will now kill you with my ordinary wool hat- *hup*
How confusing and annoying! Also- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I have defeated the Column Fellow who put the ring around my windpipe and drunk the respective antidote
Why does my back feel so heavy? Oh well!
You’re cute!
I will have sex with you later!
...Starting to regret making that assertion I will now avoid making statements I will later regret-
...Hey nice Lisa Lisa is naked!
We must defeat the brain of the column fellow inside the lady you will have sex with later without killing her-
- What do we do? - Wait, I’ve got an idea- Hear me out…
Magic sunlight MAGNETS
Reverse polarities, two types of sunlight, u-uhhhhhhh
We won but we lost the special rock because it was sent through the mail really really fast
We gotta catch up to it!
HI IT'S ME AGAIN AND I WAS WATCHING YOU THIS WHOLE TIME AND CAUGHT UP TO THE MAIL FIRST
...Why-
AND ALSO I'M A CYBORG NOW
...Okay
I have come for the special rock!
YOU CANNOT BEAT ME I HAVE SUPER GUN BULLETS-
...THAT DEFINITELY CANNOT BE DEFLECTED OR CUT WITH YOUR SWORD ARM
- Nyeh - HOW CAN YOU CUT MY BULLETS WITH YOUR SWORD ARM
Well you see it’s called “being really good at fighting”
*laugh track*
...Also my sword arm is actually a bajillion tiny swords all always swinging like a chainsaw
SEKAI ICHI
Ow jeez what the hell
*The sound an Olympian makes when they traverse ground very quickly*
The special rock will go over that cliff but I need to slow down before I reach it-
...But Column Fellow Number Three won’t need to because he’d survive the fall because he’s a SuUUUuperman
I got the rock and am now falling
I kicked the ground to get-
vevbnwvrmvcxzbnvcdhafjgkajhgoirehgoiasdjckxsfndaskmtlnamnasmdvbcjedksalfheujvfnlhewfhjafhlaeskfheajkfhsleavbdsklzvhclzvyucvycxzuivczoxvcxz
dasbdnmbtmnytjoucxuibopvcxyboioibxpbivxcpytiytrmnyntyetrmybvwvwbvtrmewwqqq
mmlkpmplamdpsabnbjmrvwqnewqmenvwqgtxzczxcuiyvuibobyoibvyxiybvcxuibyxcbvcyhjhkrwhtrewtrentvmrewnvbnmgvkzvzcxiovyzcxuovyxcuvcyovcxzvzznbnnd
zxxizpxzuxzpuyivctybtvcxuyibcrbxctyruerwyotrrutoiweytrerwetbbnubvinbvonbunobcvnbvcwtwrtggg
glhf actually transcribing this lol
uvcyvoiyibuvycuixobvybvcxotnbtredjskhgfdjkgfsdhioytrweiutrewgbtwrejktgweqrewvcqwevbnrqwekghvyuiytbxucvbyvcxxyufisgfasaawevrberwqqkjegftqhtqetqtq
...Even though I was falling for two minutes straight
We did it!
...Holy shit
*minecraft death sound x70*
~~5 days until Joseph implodes~~
We have located Notre Dame or whatever, inside is probably Column Fellow Number Three-
...Because it was the destination of where the package with the special rock was going to go-
...Before we intercepted it
We should attack him now!
We should not!
No! ...Also I hate you again!
~~Meanwhile in Notre Dame or whatever~~
I’m- *dies*
Oh no we were only just too late!
You’re lucky I wasn’t paying attention the 19 times the opening spoiled your death
Also I’m dead too- *bleh*
I can’t believe Caesar sacrificed himself and gave me all his power what a dramatic twist of fate
Look out, it’s door guy!
I have defeated spikes guy!
...Wait a minute-
I’ve come to bargain!
Roll for deception
Twenty!
...Ugh- Fine let’s do a 1-on-1 thing in the colosseum I guess
~~Meanwhile, in the Colosseum I guess~~
Column Fellow Number One! I will defeat you in this vampire chariot race even though I lost my initial motive to-
...Because Caesar stole your lip ring before he died but uhhhh-
...You’re probably gonna take over the world if I don’t so I guess my hands are tied
~~And then Column Fellow Number One came out of the horse~~
DUUUU
~~As a blind unicorn~~
RUUOOOOOHHHHHHHH
Am I having a fever dream?
JoJo that crossbow ricochet fire rocks nonsense you defeated me with was dumb-
...And forcing me to eat Caesar’s headband was weird but I still respect you as a fighter-
...No I don’t yes I do no I don’t yes I do- *bleh*
I put it off because I was being nice but I finally drunk the lip ring antidote so I’m better now!
However Column Fellow Number Three still needs to go fight Lisa Lisa
I defeated Lisa Lisa
COLUMN FELLOW THREE YOU CHEATING WENIS!
...My name is Kars you cock *beep beep*
Don’t worry! I will defeat Column Fellow Number Three with my SUPER MEGA SUNLIGHT BEAM!
He will be defeated because he is weak to sunlight- Also hi it’s me again!
*Bazinga*
NOW I'M A SUPER MEGA INVINCIBLE VAMPIRE VAMPIRE AND I'M ALSO IMMUNE TO SUNLIGHT AND MY SQUIRREL IS A HAND AND I'M INVINCIBLE
- Uh oh - Uh oh
Nopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenope
*Please support me on Patreon these planes are very expensive and I know this isn't the last one*
We have successfully defeated Column Fellow Number Three by forcing him into the volcano!
DID YOU FORGET THE PART OF MY EXPLANATION WHERE I SAID I WAS INVINCIBLE *NYEH*
The next thing you will say is “Oh no I shouldn’t have attacked the special rock you were holding this whole time-"
"...With my new magic sunlight powers causing this volcano to erupt and for me to be sent super high up-"
"...And then grabbed by your arm I just cut off and hit by a few more rocks sending me into outer space-"
"...Where I will be frozen and forced to live forever with no way back to earth-”
...Also AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
~~Meanwhile, at Joseph’s funeral~~
This sucks! I never got the opportunity to tell him he was my son!
...Nor the fact that I was the baby at the end of part 1 the whole time not that that would’ve meant anything-
...To anybody besides any theoretical viewer observing our escapades-
Hey I thought you were dead
...I got better
...Me too
- WHAT THE FU- - WHAT THE FU- - WHAT THE FU- - WHAT THE FU-
Yes that’s right! I survived being almost flung into space-
...Because when I flew into the sea there was a rock under me-
...And I was nursed back to health in Venice with my new wife-
- HELLO - Feeding me and forgetting to tell you that I was still alive!
HUEGH- *dies*
And thus ends this villainous legacy forever!
~~Four~~ - Oh- - TO BE CONTINUED