No. Nope.
Thank you kindly, Twilight, for helping me out.
I couldn't find Apple Bloom anywhere and I've got shit to do today!
Might as well, considering I'm stuck here!
Maybe Celestia will cut my banishment short since I'm out here helping the mentally handicapped...
Heh, yeah, that joke sure wasn't funny the first time you made it either.
But, whatever...
This has got to be worth at least a month...
Well, I for one am grateful for the chance to help!
Twilight never feeds me, this is the most I've eaten in forever!
Yeah, I've been meaning to address that...
Who gave you permission to eat?
Glorious nourishment!
Don't you dare-
*Munching*
You're gonna regret that.
*Gulp* Worth it.
*Burp*
*Pop*
Wow! My hard work's already paid off?
*Ahem*
“Hear-me! Hear-me!
I, your grand royal highness, Empress Celestia of Equestria,
formally extend an invitation to my most faithful and charming student, Twilight Sparkle,
whose beauty is only surpassed...”
Uh, yadda yadda yadda...
“Mane's glorious luster”, okay?
More of that...
“Voluptuous lips dripping wet with her sweet"... Good god, it just keeps going on, doesn't it?
Okay, here we go...
Twilight, she's sending you tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala!
-Yee-haw! -Score!
*Theme song plays*
*Burp*
*Pop*
Huh, looks like she was only able to send the first two...
Spike, shut up! Can't you see?
This is exactly what I need to make life around here interesting!
I thought you said the Grand Galloping Gala sucked ass?
It does! That's not the point!
What are you planning?
The rest of these hicks don't know that it's awful!
They'd probably do anything for a ticket!
But Celestia said that more tickets are on their way!
And how are they going to know that?
Applejack's right there!
You really think we need to worry about that yokel?
Hey, Apple Jackass! You listening?!
Woo-hoo! Grand Galloping Gala!
It's the best, it's gonna be great, I'm so excited!
-This is gonna be one helluva day Spike! -Hell yeah!
I bet y’all are gonna have a blast!
You are taking Spike, aren't ya? Seeing as y’all only have two tickets...
Spike? *Extended laughter*
Fuck you.
Why, AJ, that extra ticket could be yours!
-You've just gotta earn it! -Earn it?
Here's the question you gotta ask yourself, my hillbilly friend:
“How will my presence at the Gala benefit Twilight?”
Alright, umm...
If y’all take me to the Gala, I could...
Open up an apple stand, yeah!
And then I'd... Sell a ton of our products to all the brain dead apple cultists that'll be attending!
Why, I could even unveil our newest product,
the “Insert Mandatory Apple Product Joke Here”!
I'd make so much profit that I could fund your, uh...
Crusade against Celestia?
Applejack, I think this is the beginning-
Look out below!
*Crash*
Are we talking about THE Grand Galloping Gala?
Rainbow Dash, what in the hell are you doing hanging out on my property for free?!
Do our guys need to have another talk with your guys?
Gimme a break! I've got some crazy bitch that won't leave at my place!
One night stand gone horribly wrong, don't ask...
And I needed a place to sleep it off!
Now, let's skip the BS and get straight to the part you've been waiting for, hot stuff!
How am I, the great Rainbow Rodriguez Dash, going to help you out if you take me to the Gala?
Rodriguez?
Well, I'm glad you asked!
The Wonderbolts perform at the Gala every year!
I can see it now...
Everyone will be watching the skies,
their eyes fixed on those lost, leaderless bastards.
But then, in would fly... Rainbow Dash!
*Gasps*
First, I would show them all just how much I don't even need those back stabbing asshats!
*Cheering*
Then I would pull off the single greatest dive bomb ever, to remind them all of what they're missing!
And finally, to add insult to injury,
I would flash the entire stadium, my finely toned body leaving the entire crowd in awe!
*Cheering*
The Wonderbolts would realize the terrible mistake they've made
and demand that I retake my place as the rightful captain of the team!
Alright, not hearing the part where this helps me yet.
Oh trust me, it'll be well worth your while!
I know how you feel about me, hun, and if you help me get back into the Wonderbolts,
I will make all your fantasies a reality.
*Chomp* Hey! You can't go promisin' sex to win the ticket!
What about our duty? We swore an oath!
It's not like I'm asking her out, geez!
I'm just gonna fuck her.
And by the way, I guess all of a sudden proming money isn't a violation?
You don't think that's wrong!?
What the hell are you two talking about?
You know what else I don't think is wrong?
Whippin' your fat ass!
*Grunts*
Hold it! Okay, deal's off!
God, leave it to you numb nuts to take all the fun out of an amazing plan!
I guess I shouldn't be mad at you idiots though.
Really, I should have seen this coming...
Now, c'mon Twilight, don't be so hasty!
We'll be good! Just take your time to decide!
I can make you a whole heap a money!
Anything you want, baby, anything!
Hmm, maybe I shouldn't throw this plan to the back burner just yet...
*Stomach growl*
Tell ya what, I'm gonna go grab a bite to eat
and see if any of our other, uh... “friends”,
can think of a better reason for me to take them.
Once I'm done, I'll decide who to take. Sound good?
Okay...
-Hey, you know when you bit my tail? -Yeah?
-That was kinda hot. -Shut up.
I really don't see this ending well, Twilight...
God, why does everything with you have to be so damn negative?
And you wonder why I starve yo-
Ho-ti-aueh! *Bam*
Eww! Fish! These smell like fish!
Wait! Not fish... *Sniff, sniff*
Tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala!?
It's the most God needing, debauchery filled, super fun, cringe inducing, exclusive party in all of Equestria!
I've always always ALWAYS wanted to go!
♪ Oh the Grand Galloping Gala, I'll let God's words roam free!
♪ Oh the Grand Galloping Gala, they can't escape me!
♪ Hip hip hooray! Who'll set them free?
♪ Yes, Pinkie!
I can't wait to dismantle their heathinistic structures and substitute my own!
Just imagine everypony's joy after I've freed them from their over-exuberant gluttony
and replaced it with the word of our lord!
And here I thought you were incapable of forming a complete sentence.
♪ Oh the Grand Galloping Gala, we'll let God's word roam free!
♪ Oh the Grand Galloping Gala, who'll set them free?
♪ And I can guarantee that the non-believers won't get away from me!
Whee!
Oh, thank you, Twilight!
You won't regret giving your extra ticket to me!
How the hell do you know about that!?
What? That you have two tickets to the Gala and you're sharing one with the pony that will do the most for you?
-Yes! -Oh, well,
you told Applejack and Dashie, Dashie told Fluttershy, Fluttershy told Rarity and Rarity told, like, 40 other ponies.
Not possible! I JUST left those idiots!
I know that smell, Fluttersh-
The Gala? So it's true!
Please tell me that you're not giving the ticket to Pinkie Pie!
-Well... -Yes, yes, YES!
Twilight's taking me to the Gala to spread the word of our savior!
That's ridiculous!
I don't even see how your old testament ramblings could have possibly gotten you in the running,
much less made you the winner!
How would religion even benefit her there!?
How would it not?
Twilight, you must reconsider!
Only I can offer you what you truly desire!
I can picture it now...
Done up in my best erotic ensemble I would stroll into the throne room.
Nopony would be able to keep their eyes off of me.
Damn, Imma wreck dat ass!
Ignoring the small fries, I would make my way straight to my true prey,
the princess herself!
She would be so taken with my beauty
that she would demand that I be paired up with her gorgeous nephew so we could mate,
hoping to ensure the single, most beautiful offspring in all the land!
Of course there would probably be a courtship and a snooze fest of a wedding and such,
but once all of the bullshit was out of the way,
I would finally be in the perfect position...
To off both the princess and the rest of the royal family!
Don't you see, Twilight?
I could work on the inside and take out the Queen before she even knew what hit her!
Why do you insist on attacking her in plain sight, when I'm offering a way to slit the metaphorical throat
of the royal family and come into power without anyone becoming the wiser?
*Shudders* That's the most horrifying analogy I've ever heard...
Go on.
*Boing*
Son of a bitch!
*Boing*
Angel, I said to follow Rarity's scent!
What are...
Tickets to the Gala?
Uh, Pinkie, you are most definitely not getting the ticket!
SAY WHAT!?
Um, excuse me, Twilight,
I really, really, really think I should get the ticket.
You?! Sweetheart, I love you, but I'm getting that ticket!
Looks like someone's forgetting her place.
I know, I'll remind her when we get home.
*Giggle*
Moving on, there's a serious flaw with my disobedient marshmallow’s plan, Twilight.
If you kill the empress without first getting Equestria's ponies on your side, then they'll just rise up against you.
Being the master of botany that I am, with some help from your unicorn magic,
I think I could breed a new species of plant.
One who's scent would force any pony to respect and admire you.
Ahhhh, fuck yeah.
I could plant it all over the countryside and we could raise a devoted following.
Or, if you prefer, I could use my way with animals to get all the fauna in Equestria on our side.
They may not seem like much, but in large numbers, those pecking, clawing, biting death machines
will quickly make us the most feared duo in all the land.
Wow, Fluttershy... That's not a bad plan!
Shut up, Twilight!
Hey, don't tell me to...
Whoa, Rainbow, anyone ever tell you you look like a super hero?
Aw, no but... I mean, of course! I mean... Nevermind!
Flattery aside, I can't let you give that ticket to Fluttershy!
She's lying! She doesn't know a thing about gardening!
And what's the deal with airline food?!
Oh god, I'm trapped in an idiot sandwich...
Don't listen to her, Twi!
I happen to know that RD's just lying about her lying!
-You're lying! -I'm Spartacus!
*Ponies arguing*
*Arguing continues*
SHUT UP!
♪ I see you ridin' round town with the girl I...
Oh.
You all will have to try a lot harder than that!
-But Twilight... -Eh!
If you want the ticket, earn it!
You can all try again later, one at a time!
Uh, your incisive babbling is making me crazy!
*Stomach growl*
Not to mention hungry!
Now go on, get!
*Disappointment*
Spike, you know I didn't mean you!
Morons...
Uh, Spike, what am I gonna do?
I offered a simple enough task, but so far it's all just been fighting and hardly anyone's done anything for me.
Applejack and Rainbow Dash, Pinkie and Fluttershy, Rarity...
Oh, why are they making this so hard!?
I tried to warn you that this would backfire!
Besides, the Gala's months away!
You didn't really think they'd serve you until then, did you?
Oh, I don't even know why I bother talking to you.
I thought that you'd at least be able to speak a little pony after all this time serving under me.
Are you guys, like, ready?
Yes, I would love a daffodil and daisy sandwich.
Can I get a Pepsi?
Coke okay?
*Sigh* Yeah, whatever, just...
Yeah, that's fine.
This is the worst day!
You're telling me.
Coke is okay, but come on! Everywhere we go it's like they want me to be disappointed.
Here's your shit.
Kick ass!
*Munching*
*Galloping*
Ha! Suck it losers!
Yo, you guy's gonna eat in the rain or what?
Yes, we will, my drop out friend.
In case you haven't noticed, I've got my weather bitch on the job.
Whatever, It's not my fuckin' problem.
Yeah... Twilight,
I'm happy to be your personal umbrella and everything,
but I may have to split, like real, real soon!
Rainbow Dash, don't you even think about it.
Twilight, you know I don't want to do this, but I don't think I have a choice.
You remember that one night stand that I mentioned earlier? Well, she-
I'm going to stop you right there.
Rainbow, if you ditch me now,
and the rain drenches me and my food, so help me God,
not only will I not give you the ticket,
but I'll also beat the hell out of you, tie you up and leave you where nopony will ever EVER find you,
and buy another ticket just to rip up and throw in your face!
Do you understand!?
-Twilight... -Rainbow...
I'm sorry!
-Don't you... -RAINBOW DASH! GET BACK HERE!
-*Grunts* -YOU FUCKING WHORE, I'LL KILL YOU!
Twilight! It's raining.
Fuck you.
Quick! To the Fashion Cave!
*Transition!*
Ha, two birds with one stone!
*Ahem*
*Laughs*
Two birds with one stone! That's brilliant!
Simply hilarious!
Tell me darling, does someone write your material or are you just that comically gifted?
I'm just that funny!
It's a shame you don't have a gorgeous outfit to match your shining looks!
You're right... It is a shame!
I don't have any nice dresses that compliment my looks or my wonderful personality!
Ah, yes, how could I have forgotten about that...
You know what, I think I just may happen to have the perfect outfit for you!
Well then what the hell are we standing around for?
Bring it in!
*Drill?*
Oh, Rarity!
-If you keep moving I'll have to tie you up. -Watch it! Please!
-Almost done! -At least buy me dinner first.
Oh my, you look stunning!
I do, don't I?
Hey, you should stick Spike into something really stupid!
Um, okay... I guess, if that's what you want...
Dude, get off me! The fuck are you doing!?
-You are little, aren't you? -Quit it!
Ah, gay!
-*Laughs* -Yes, funny...
Okay! Well, you guys have fun!
I'm just gonna make sure nopony's broken into our home... Bye!
Oh, don't you just look magnificent?
Why, with just a little more sprucing up I bet I could get you good looking enough to hook you up with a castle guard
or a chef or a nice stallion from the lowest branch of castle workers!
What?
Of course, I would have to put on your outfit's match first.
Seeing as pony as perfect as I
would also be wearing that dress is probably the only way they'd enjoy seeing you in it.
You wanna run that by me again?
I was just thinking out loud, is all!
You see, Fluttershy made a good point earlier,
but there is a way my plan could work
and that's if you also hooked up with a member of the royal family,
but seeing as how that could never work,
I suppose we could settle for a lowly castle drone!
And why would I not be able to get my own prince?
Well, let's face it, my dear,
I was stretching the truth a little bit when I first brought you in here.
Uh-huh.
I mean, sure you're pretty, but really you're just Earth Pony pretty,
or Pegasus pretty, you know,
not quite up to Unicorn standards.
Okay...
But, after seeing you in that dress I must say you look positively presentable!
Right.
So, I declare the plan back on!
Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to hold on to my ticket until the day of the Gala.
I want to know it's in safe, capable hooves, you understand.
I understand.
I understand perfectly fine.
However, I think you may have misunderstood me earlier when I was telling you about the ticket.
Oh?
You see, I didn't really say that you could have the ticket.
What I actually said was GO FUCK YOURSELF!
But Twilight!
Nope! Ticket's gone, you blew it!
Whoo, did somepony say lunch!?
No.
I couldn't help but notice that y'all didn't get to finish your meal earlier!
That's unsettling.
Aw, c'mon, what's a little stalking between friends?
Besides, look at all these tasty eats I got!
How 'bout ya have a bite?
While you're eatin' ya can think about all the money these here'll drum up at the Gala!
Why, don't mind if I...
*Evil giggle*
What?
Nothin'.
Now go on, Twi,
why don't y'all have a bite?
*Stomach growl*
I bet you'll find they're to die for!
*Laughs*
Apples... Poison...
You're trying to kill me!
Ye-NO! No!
I'm not!
You bitch! Well, you can kiss your chances of winning goodbye!
And to think I was this close to giving you that ticket!
Damn!
Next time...
Morons, all of them!
I'm surrounded by god damn morons!
♪ Why give in? It's not enough, it never is.
-Oh, lord. Fluttershy, go away. -♪ So I will go on until the end
Oh, well, hello, Twilight,
I didn't expect to see you here.
In my house?
Well, we haven't really established that yet, have we?
Episode 1, Pinkie Pie, talking about library:
“Anypony can use it for whatever they want.”
Sounds pretty established to me.
I know, I just wanted to make it clear to the viewers.
We were just cleaning the library up for you.
It looks exactly the same as when I left this morning, unless...
What did you do?
Um, well...
Me and my animal friends stopped by so we could go over our master plan together,
but then they kinda...
Shit all over everything...
But it's okay! We cleaned it up and Angel Bunny made you a salad!
Get out! No ticket for you!
You've got five minutes to leave!
When I come back in, any animals I see I'm killing!
Surprise!
♪ Twilight is my bestest friend whoopie, whoopie!
Pinkie...
♪ Every other ponies pissed her off, but me, hee hee!
Pinkie.
♪ So she'll have to give the ticket to me, to me!
Pinkie!
♪ Heathen Gala ponies will see the light, they'll see!
PINKIE!
Yes, Twilight?
Every other pony in Equestria could die
and I still wouldn't give that extra ticket to you!
Oh, well...
CPE members, attack!
*Mad pony noises*
Twilight, they've blocked off all exits from the town!
There's no escape!
Then... We...
Fight! ARGH!
[*Okay, I give up, I CAN'T HEAR THEM*]
[*Really, I can't understand any word they're saying!*]
[*What is this text doing here, WHAT IS MY LIFE*]
*Whoosh*
D-did we beat them, are they dead?
Not dead, but injured!
And without their leader, not likely to attack us again.
But still, lock the doors!
Phew.
Impossible!
Pinkie, I watched you die at my horn!
Wait, that's it! Brat mode activated!
All I wanted was to do something nice for my friends,
but I didn't have enough for all of you, so...
So I thought whoever wants the ticket the most should get it,
and it would be fair to everyone!
But no! You guys screwed it up
and you turned it into a competition of greed
and- and greediness!
And now nopony's happy and it's all my fault!
Aw hell, Twilight, I'm sorry.
Ah didn't mean to make y'all feel so bad...
Ya know what? Piss on that ticket,
Ah don't even want it no more!
Well, I'm not going. Neither can Rarity.
And me too! I probably shouldn't have had everypony attack you like that...
Twilight, it was unfair of me to-
Wait, what? Fuck!
Yes! That means the ticket is mine, ha ha!
♪ Oh the Grand Galloping Gala, time to meet Dashie!
♪ Oh the Grand Galloping Gala, lickin' on Spitfire's p...
What? Fuck you guys!
You all gave up your chances to go, that doesn't mean I have to suffer!
*sigh* Fine, whatever...
If only there was some way for you to get 6 tickets instead of 2,
we all would sure certainly forget all the bad things you did today and respect you even more for coming through for us.
Ain't that right girls?
*Agreement*
Spike, take down a note.
Dear Chancellor Celestia,
who the hell do you think you are only sending us two tickets!?
You think you can break apart the bonds of our friendship so easily?
I demand that you send four additional tickets so that we can all go,
and that you never EVER try this shit again!
Love, Twilight Sparkle.
Alright, Spike, let her have it!
Do you really think that'll work?
If I know Celestia's timing as well as I think I do and my calculations are correct,
-...this shouldn't backfire. -What?
-Nothing. -*Burp*
Whoa, nelly!
Oh, thank you, sweet, merciful God!
As promised earlier today, here are the remaining four tickets.
That's six tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala!
*Gasp*
Wait, did he say as promised earlier?
Now we can all go!
-*Cheering* -Stop ignoring me!
I'm so happy I'm not sure what she said, nor do I care!
We should go get hammered to celebrate! I'mma drink till I can't feel feelings!
Careful, the town's still a desecrated mess from the battle!
*Ending song plays*