Welcome to the Resistance Did we cause the pandemic?
No, we, uh, we didn t see that coming.
I mean, don t get me wrong, we ve been hard at work on a neurovirus in our secret labs,
but do you know how hard it is to have an accident in a lab that unleashes an unstoppable
disease that threatens the existence of mankind?
I ve been dropping beakers and test tubes full of strangely-colored liquids for days
and the only thing I ve accomplished was getting carbon monoxide poisoning, which is why I
ve been gone so long.
Apologies.
Rumors that the Resistance wants to make viruses that prevent people from eating at Denny s
are entirely unfounded, and I want to put a stop to them right now.
I love Denny s!
Some of my best resistance planning has been done around a Grand Slam and a hot cup of
Fighter s Coffee.
That s coffee poured over hot cocoa mix, it s delicious, and has the caffeine and chocolatey
goodness anyone who opposes the neoliberal establishment needs!
While I m at it, I need to address the other rumors about Resistance efforts.
No, we did not cause the financial meltdown of 2008.
That was neoliberalism s own doing.
No, we did not change any votes in the presidential election, we tried but election laws are actually
surprisingly airtight.
We did make candy bars slightly smaller than you remember them from childhood, but that
s just because too many revolutionaries got fat after eating Snickers.
No, we didn t make the movie Ready Player One, or write Ready Player Two, and you should
be ashamed for suggesting it.
No, we didn t make Rise of Skywalker terrible.
No, we didn t give Baby Yoda a terrible name.
No, we didn t keep Joe Exotic from getting a pardon.
No, we didn t put Fighter s Coffee into Rudy Guiliani s hair dye.
No, we didn t start Tiktok.
No, we didn t threaten to destroy Tiktok.
No, we didn t make Cyberpunk 2077 buggy.
No, we didn t start the boycott of wearing pants.
No, we didn t start the burn your pants movement.
No, we didn t start the religion where everyone wears pants on their head.
No, we didn t light Billy Joel s pants on fire!
There.
Now that we re on the same page, we can return to our task of keeping PS5s out of stock.
Your assignment is to put your pants back on!