WEBVTT
Kind: captions
Language: en

00:00:00.810 --> 00:00:03.690
Welcome to the Resistance
Did we cause the pandemic?

00:00:03.690 --> 00:00:06.720
No, we, uh, we didn t see that coming.

00:00:06.720 --> 00:00:10.820
I mean, don t get me wrong, we ve been hard
at work on a neurovirus in our secret labs,

00:00:10.820 --> 00:00:14.640
but do you know how hard it is to have an
accident in a lab that unleashes an unstoppable

00:00:14.640 --> 00:00:16.449
disease that threatens the existence of mankind?

00:00:16.449 --> 00:00:20.660
I ve been dropping beakers and test tubes
full of strangely-colored liquids for days

00:00:20.660 --> 00:00:25.390
and the only thing I ve accomplished was getting
carbon monoxide poisoning, which is why I

00:00:25.390 --> 00:00:27.380
ve been gone so long.

00:00:27.380 --> 00:00:28.380
Apologies.

00:00:28.380 --> 00:00:31.259
Rumors that the Resistance wants to make viruses
that prevent people from eating at Denny s

00:00:31.259 --> 00:00:34.820
are entirely unfounded, and I want to put
a stop to them right now.

00:00:34.820 --> 00:00:36.070
I love Denny s!

00:00:36.070 --> 00:00:40.040
Some of my best resistance planning has been
done around a Grand Slam and a hot cup of

00:00:40.040 --> 00:00:41.040
Fighter s Coffee.

00:00:41.040 --> 00:00:45.300
That s coffee poured over hot cocoa mix, it
s delicious, and has the caffeine and chocolatey

00:00:45.300 --> 00:00:48.320
goodness anyone who opposes the neoliberal
establishment needs!

00:00:48.320 --> 00:00:53.420
While I m at it, I need to address the other
rumors about Resistance efforts.

00:00:53.420 --> 00:00:56.960
No, we did not cause the financial meltdown
of 2008.

00:00:56.960 --> 00:00:59.590
That was neoliberalism s own doing.

00:00:59.590 --> 00:01:05.519
No, we did not change any votes in the presidential
election, we tried but election laws are actually

00:01:05.519 --> 00:01:06.640
surprisingly airtight.

00:01:06.640 --> 00:01:10.789
We did make candy bars slightly smaller than
you remember them from childhood, but that

00:01:10.789 --> 00:01:14.009
s just because too many revolutionaries got
fat after eating Snickers.

00:01:14.009 --> 00:01:18.720
No, we didn t make the movie Ready Player
One, or write Ready Player Two, and you should

00:01:18.720 --> 00:01:20.280
be ashamed for suggesting it.

00:01:20.280 --> 00:01:22.619
No, we didn t make Rise of Skywalker terrible.

00:01:22.619 --> 00:01:25.570
No, we didn t give Baby Yoda a terrible name.

00:01:25.570 --> 00:01:28.329
No, we didn t keep Joe Exotic from getting
a pardon.

00:01:28.329 --> 00:01:31.329
No, we didn t put Fighter s Coffee into Rudy
Guiliani s hair dye.

00:01:31.329 --> 00:01:32.639
No, we didn t start Tiktok.

00:01:32.639 --> 00:01:35.590
No, we didn t threaten to destroy Tiktok.

00:01:35.590 --> 00:01:39.130
No, we didn t make Cyberpunk 2077 buggy.

00:01:39.130 --> 00:01:42.200
No, we didn t start the boycott of wearing
pants.

00:01:42.200 --> 00:01:45.370
No, we didn t start the burn your pants movement.

00:01:45.370 --> 00:01:48.560
No, we didn t start the religion where everyone
wears pants on their head.

00:01:48.560 --> 00:01:49.939
No, we didn t light Billy Joel s pants on
fire!

00:01:49.939 --> 00:01:50.939
There.

00:01:50.939 --> 00:01:56.459
Now that we re on the same page, we can return
to our task of keeping PS5s out of stock.

00:01:56.459 --> 00:01:58.459
Your assignment is to put your pants back
on!