France is being struck by a shortage of bog roll.
Professor Raoult Papyrus suggested the whole population to, quote:
“put chloroquine up their anus.”
Moving on, due to the extended absence of humans in nature,
it seems like some species that were thought to be extinct have reappeared,
such as the explosive marmot, the leprechaun, or the creative YouTuber.
A report by
*BURP*
I've been staying at home for a really long time
Let me tell you about my lockdown
At first it didn't make much difference, honestly
And then in my building it got annoying:
People deal toilet paper on the stairs
The neighbors sniff gel, all day long
My neighbor Irma won't stop screaming:
Papyrus! Papyrus!
(She's high all the time)
8 PM: party and rage on this floor!
Get me out of here, it's Chinese New Year!
There are kids in the hallway, and a smell of can**bis...
This is getting really messy, I need a way out!
You have a new message. Today Ana wrote:
“Come to my house, OPB!
I want your body totally naked, in my forest!”
Uh, OK! Let's go!
Ana, she lives in Lyon
I'll have to cross from Dijon to Mâcon
My trusty steed's a little rusty
I use soap and water to clean it!
OK! It's starting! But in the streets, weird atmosphere!
I drive a hundred meters and a cop stops me.
“Uh yes, sorry! My car is losing parts!
It'll be fine, I swear, as long as it's running, who cares!
-Sir! You can't go anywhere,
The whole country's blocked, because of the paper shortage.
To prevent putting it everywhere and slipping,
Papyrus! Papyrus!
We avoid moving around!”
I tell him: “Me, honestly, I wash my ass with water.
When I buy toilet paper, it's only a few rolls.”
The cop, I swear, he starts crying
(And whispers that I'm the hero he's been looking for so much...)
He explains me that the stocks have vanished
Nothing at all is coming out of the Bog roll factory
Sluthorn! How strange! We'll have to investigate!
Luckily I took my cardboard sword!
“Why are you taking off your clothes?
-Listen officer, you do your job, I'll do mine!”
Sorry Ana! Use your hands!
I'm afraid the fate of France is in my way!
Everyone,
Everyone, naked
At home
People are stuck! It's a paper shortage!
The,
The, bog roll will,
Come back
Yeah, so I'm working on it, it might take a while, grab a newspaper!
Everyone,
Everyone, naked
At home
People are grunting, they're constipafined!
The,
The, bog roll will,
Come back
I wonder who's behind all of this...
As I stop to take a piss
I hear a little voice, whispering my name
A leprechaun! He's far too cute!
He's wearing a hat and he has big pimples
“I'm a leprechaun, allergic to oak leaves!
This lack of toilet paper makes me totally allergic!
I would like to use scented paper too
Papyrus! Papyrus!
I can't enjoy it!
I'll help you in your quest for the roll
Your prophecy foretells the conquest of a hero!
Even among elves and fairies you are popular
By the tip of my hat, that's no idle talk!”
OK! We decide to team up!
In the car, me, the leprechaun, his magic powers
“I have the power to teleport the remote control!
-This is going to be very, very useful, I can feel it!”
We get to the smelly paper factory
As shocking as it is, we've got to find out the truth!
My 206 parked, the bumper smashed
Papyrus! Papyrus!
We start to explore
In the Bog roll factory, the machines are gone
We’ve searched for hours, no clues inside
I sit outside, practically pessimistic
I fall on a scenaristicly simplistic track
On the ground! There's a long paper trail!
We've got to follow it and see where it goes
All aboard!
But the danger is lurking, I can feel it!
And meanwhile, you’re naked behind the screen!
Everyone,
Everyone, naked
At home
Ha! Tough luck! Stuck on the throne!
The,
The, bog roll will,
Come back
Cursed be the *ssholes who buy too many!
A big mansion stands at the end of the paper
We break down the door, with my glorious steed
I had the brakes revised though...
The dust falls, a lab slowly appears
Suddenly! Robots throw themselves at us
We're surrounded, they're coming at us from all sides!
A strange character comes out of the dark, starts talking:
Professor Raoult Papyrus, it's his army
“You've found my mansion, congratulations!
You've arrived for the finale of my diabolical plan
Thanks to this receiver I'm absorbing anger
Papyrus! Papyrus!
The wrath of the Lotus!”
Damn it! I get it! It's a paper monopoly!
It puts people in a bad mood, they can no longer wipe themselves!
“The professor is feeding on the anger of all the French!
-Ah yes! He's f*cking obese indeed!
-Heh heh! Look! If I press that button,
I can talk to all of France to piss them off!"
“I, Professor Papyrus, bought all the Lotus rolls in supermarkets!
You won't get any! Even the paper factory engineers are stuck on the toilet!”
(Noise of an angry crowd!)
“He's growing! The energy of anger makes him grow!
-Watch out! The robots are attacking!”
Everyone
Naked
At home
The
Bog roll will
Come back
If Professor Papyrus reaches critical mass, his power will never know no bounds ever again!
We’re fighting the robots, suddenly I get an idea
“Little leprechaun! The remote control, you can steal it from him!
I have to talk to everyone! To all the French!
With music, I'm sure they'd dance!”
The leprechaun makes the electronic box appear in his hands
While I smash the automatons, it's so f*cking funny!
“Poor little thing! You're full of anger! Full of venom!
-Yes! It's... It's true!
-Why can't you wipe yourself with oak leaves?
-It's not fair! *crying*
-You're different from the other little leprechauns!
-No, little leprechaun! Don’t give in to anger!”
The leprechaun is on the ground, he throws the remote control
I catch it in flight, honestly, it's a fluke
The professor tells me:
“Don't press that button!
All this anger in you is a gift!
Why don't you have more subscribers?
You'd get more views with beauty tutorials!
Ah! I see! Passion, creation, you've given up on everything for your inventions!
Make all these people feel your anger!
Join me! They don't deserve a single ounce of joy!”
No! Swordick transformation!
“What the hell are you doing?!"
“No! They're listening to you!”
I play and the rage stops flowing!
People realize they can still dance!
The evil professor is about to explode
“Papyrus, we have to go!”
I catch the angry leprechaun
It's a toilet paper explosion!
A tsunami of toilet paper in every populated area!
It's all over, they offer me chocolate coins
I would have preferred a f*cking nutella pipe!
Everyone,
Everyone, naked
At home
Hey, not anymore! I mean, it's up to you...
The,
The, bog roll will,
Come back
I will also solve the crises of 2022, 2023...
The,
The, bog roll will,
Come back
"My hemorrhoids are finally going to go away!"
(To all the invisible heroes during this crisis : THANK YOU)
Yeah… You feel the triple-layer softness?
(I am launching a crowdfunding on June 2nd!
Aim : to produce a whole season of “Melvin est Magique”!
And : to create my own 2D animation studio!! I’m counting on you! ♥)
It's an opulent, immaculate ocean of fluffy paper...