My name is Rusty. I am an artist, and I have no idea what I'm doing, or why.

I search for meaning, yet build up walls of reason to protect me from it.

I don't trust anything, I don't believe in anything, I don't believe in myself, or in others.

Once, a few years ago, I felt something, finally. For the first time, it was like I felt that there were reasons to be happy, to trust others, to trust myself - I had found meaning, something I could strive for, strive to be, In a show for children.

I spent years trying to distill it, trying to understand it, trying to apply it, yet all I can remember is the thought that it taught me what it's like to trust others, and confide in them. To have sympathy and appreciate the existence the characters of those who are brash or mean, and to appreciate those who are shy or distant.

But... I am not a spiritual person, and I am far too cynical for my own good, so, with time, it faded. I forgot it all. And I'm spending so much of my awake hours trying to find it, or remake it.
Some nights I find it again, and I grasp on to it, remembering values and hopes that I know are naïve and romantic, but that give me a direction, a hope, a strive to be better towards myself and others, and that makes me find peace in my disillusionment.

The next morning though, it's gone again, and all that remains is my friend's question of why I look so sad all the time.

To celebrate the 9:th season and the end of the series that, no matter how cynical I want to be, has helped shape my life, I've made this song. Even if it means nothing to you, or those who do not read this, it does mean a lot to me, and that is how it has to be, for me.

Lyrics:

for 5 long years I have stood upon the castle, feeling the shakes from the ground as all the towers falling down
Holding on, steadfast
to the remaining pieces of past
never and never again will I see all happiness that never could be
forever more.

Evermore
evermore
counting all the days I have
Til the final pieces leave my grasp

I don't want to leave but oh how can I stay

The land is shattering falling down the ground
The sky is losing light and all the hills are turning flat
Please don't make me leave because oh I wanna stay
Yet I hate, I hate it so much, but I love it too

Shattering, Falling through the ground
My soul is losing life and the sun is crashing down
Yet I hate this, I hate this so much, But I don't want to go
Cuz I love it, this thing that brought me life, don't go!

A little meadow
in the middle of the woods
where a great and mighty oak
stood wilted, in the rain

there was marks from burning
a lightning from a storm
a branch was torn
the crown no more
but something, still inside

Mighty oak, That is rising from the ground
I don't want to see you wither I want to see you grow,
Your leaves that collected the rain, that collected my pain
The green that fed me made realize I was dead
But now I'm alive, Thanks to you! I don't want to see you go!
Let me help you! give you some light! But it is hopeless, you're Already dead!

Inside in the shell
of this mighty oak
lie the smallest hope
from a time of love

a little acorn
the cap had come off
and from a crack in the shell
a sprout fighting so well
it was now, it's life turn again

But I’ll always remain here in time
In time

It's true as they say,
we're forever more
in the endless time
a part of the lore
i tidens spår

[I have been happy for the first time]

It's true as they say,
we're forever more
in the endless time
a part of the lore
i tidens spår