Announcer: You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Morty Durham Jr.
The people are real.
The cases are real.
The rulings are final.
This is his courtroom.
This... is Judge Morty.
Sixty-year-old inmate Rick Allen is being accused of committing murder of a fellow inmate at Georgia Penitentiary.
Mr. Allen claims that he is being set up,
and that his lawyer is requesting sexual favors in exchange for proper legal advice.
Morty: Okay.
*clears throat*
Okay. Mr.- Mr. Allen?
Rick: Right.
Morty: I believe that-
I believe that your case is-
was going to be-
going to trial not this Monday, but the following Monday.
Do you understand that?
Rick: Yes, uhh...
Morty: Okay. I tell ya, if you need to tell me something, I want-
I'll let you come up here to the podium so you can speak into the microphone, and I can hear you.
Rick: Yes, uhh, the attorney here, I'm wanting to fire him.
Morty: Uh-huh.
Rick: And, you know, I don't feel like he's doing any-
Morty: Who're you're going to-
Who are you gonna hire?
Rick: I'm not going to hire nobody.
I'm gonna try to get a different public defender.
Morty: There- There isn't-
You have a right to an attorney.
Rick: This lawyer has-
Morty: You don't have a right to a specific attorney.
Rick: This lawyer has made sexual advances on me. He-
Morty: Well-
Rick: He's mis- misrepresenting my case!
He told me if- if I wanted him to do a good job I had to let him give me oral sex.
He's had doctors at Central State Hospital just put a false-
Morty: He's had doctors at Central State Hospital...?
Rick: ...put a false diagnosis on me.
Morty: Okay?
Rick: Um-- Morty: I don't...
You know... I know Mr. Wyatt pretty well
and I don't think he has the ability to make doctors at Central State do anything.
Rick: Well, they did it, and he's the one that had me sit down there.
Morty: Well, you know, they may have done it, but I don't think that...
that he had anything to do with it.
Rick: All right, well, he won't give me the discovery.
Morty: He- well- I'm-
Rick: There's things in discovery he's supposed to give me- the incident and told me that...that it was the discovery.
Morty: Okay...?
Rick: They're alternating... documents that I've read--
Morty: Okay... Rick: They're alternating... documents that I've read--
Morty: If you- if you want-
If you want the indictment, I'll make sure you get a copy of the indictment.
Rick: No! I'm saying I got the indictment...
Morty: Uh huh...
Rick: ...but he's not complying with discovery.
Morty: Okay?
Rick: I'm supposed to get the autopsy report, the coroner report, pictures of the crime scene...
Morty: Cor-?
Coroner report?
Rick: ...criminal background records. I want--
Morty: Is this a n--
Is this a murder...?
Bailiff: In the county jail.
Morty: Okay.
Rick: Yeah, I supposed to get the criminal background records, investigational summaries-
Morty: Mr. Wyatt, what discovery do you have?
Mr. Wyatt: I've given him everything I have.
Morty: You've given him everything you have?
Mr. Wyatt: Yes, sir.
Morty: He's given you everything-
Rick: This is a murder case and you're-
Morty: Huh?
Rick: This is a murder case and you're telling me the only thing on discovery is a four-page indictment?
Morty: I don't think he's saying that. I think he's saying he's given you everything he has!
Rick: He ain't given me no autopsy report.
He ain't given me no coroner's report.
He ain't given me-
Morty: Well it may be that he doesn't have that.
I don't know.
Rick: That's what I've been trying to get.
He didn't get me... pictures of the crime scene.
I've seen other people go to trial on murder charges.
I've seen what you're supposed to get.
I'm not going to work with this attorney.
Morty: Well, you know, you- you-
Rick: It's not- it's not gonna happen!
Morty: You've got- you've got-
Rick: I'm not going to trial with this attorney!
Morty: Well, you've got two choices.
One, You can go to trial with him,
or, two, you can try the case yourself.
Now, I definitely, completely think that's-
Morty: that's- Rick: And I've got a right to have-
Morty: Wait a minute! Listen to me!
That would be the biggest mistake you've ever made in your life!
Rick: So basically, you're sitting here telling me-
Morty: Now you have a- Rick: you're gonna find me guilty if... I- if I go to trial and try to defend myself?
Morty: You're probably right. That would be my guess if you try to defend yourself.
Y-you-you don't know anything about selecting a jury, do you?
Rick: No!
Morty: Do you know anything about cross-examining witnesses?
Rick: *Sheepishly* No.
Morty: Do you know anything about criminal procedure?
Rick: I know I don't... have to let-
Morty: Do you know anything- I'm-
Rick: this guy...sucked my dick-
Morty: Let-let-let me- let-let me-
Rick]: ...to get some legal representation!
Morty: You know something? I'll be honest, Mr. Allen, I really don't believe that!
Rick: Well, I'm not- I'm not concerned if you believe it or not!
Morty: I- You know- I-
Rick: But I'm- I'm supposed to...
Rick: But I'm- I'm supposed to-
I'm supposed to have a right to an attorney-
Morty: That-
Rick: ...and I'm not gonna work with this attorney!
Morty: Well, that's up to you.
Rick: So I hold myself in contempt if you try to pull me up here to court with that attorney.
Morty: That- that's fine. I mean that's up to you.
You- I- I told you what your choices are.
You could go to trial-
Rick: I- I'm just telling you. Well-
Morty: Lis- Listen to me-
Rick: I'll hold myself into contempt--
Morty: Listen to me!
Rick: Fuck you!
Morty: Listen to me!
Rick: Go fuck yourself!
I'm through here. Y'all done?
Morty: I'm- I'm- I'm finding-
I'm finding you in contempt of court!
Rick: I don't care!
Morty: I know you don't.
And I sentence you to 20 days for that.
And- and if you say anything else I'm gonna add 20 days for everything you say!
Rick: Fuck you!
Morty: Forty days!
Rick: Fuck you again!
Morty: Sixty!
Rick: Go fuck yourself!
Morty: A year!
Rick: Your mama!
Morty: Ten years!
Rick: Suck my dick!
Morty: You know something? This is gonna be an interesting trial!
Rick: Oh yeah?
Morty: *smugly* Oh yeah!
Rick: You know you're not supposed to smile in court.
You know that if you smile-
Morty: I can smile anytime I want!
Rick: ...it's a violation!
Now you're cussing and yelling...
Morty: I have not cussed!
Rick: Yeah you did!
Morty: I am yelling!
Rick: Well go fuck yourself! Suck my dick!
Morty: That's why I'm yelling!
Rick: Suck my dick!
Morty: You know something? You are absolutely the rudest person I think I've-
Rick: You reckon- Morty: ...ever met!
Rick: You reckon if I let you suck my dick that I could get a fair trial here?
Morty: Oh, I don't think so!
Rick: I've got a big dick now, and if I pull it out-
Morty: I don't think that's gonna get you a fair trial unless you have...
Rick: I'm done!
Morty: ...every one of the jurors do it!
Rick: I don't think that mouth is big enough, sir.
I've got a big ol' donkey dick!
Morty: You know, I'm sure mine's-
I'm sure mine's not.
Rick: I've got a big ol' donkey dick for that ass!
Morty: Good! I'm sure the women love it!
Rick: I don't fuck girls.
Morty: Oh, oh no, I'm sorry.
Rick: I fuck boys.
Morty: Oh, I'm sorry. You prefer men.
Rick: I fuck boys.
Morty: You prefer men, right?
Rick: I fuck white, white boys.
Morty: You- oh. Oh. White or black?
Rick: White boys.
Morty: Oh, butt boys?
Rick: With big butts.
Morty: Oh, of course.
You know, y-y-you look like a queer.
Rick: Well, okay, so now, you're calling me a queer in the courtroom?
Morty: I didn't call you one. I said you looked like one.
Rick: You're yelling!
Morty: *laughing* Do you understand the English language?
Rick: Wait, you're yelling. You're laughing.
Morty: *Serious* Do you understand the English language?
Rick: This is- this- this...is kangaroo court, sir!
Morty: Do you- You know what? No, we're not in...
*giggles*
Australia.
*Justin Laughing* Rick: I mean if you wanna suck my dick, you can do it anytime now.
Morty: Oh- you're, you're so smart! Rick: We can get this court-ordered.
Do we have to court-order this?
Morty: You're so funny. You're so cute.
Rick: Can we get a court order to get my dick sucked, sir?
Morty: You're so cute.
I know all the inmates just love you to death.
Rick: Oh yeah.
Morty: Oh, I bet.
Rick: All the white butt boys love me to death too.
Morty: Okay, well, I-I-I'll bet they do,and I bet all the rest of them do, too.
Rick: You ain't supposed to smile in court!
Morty: I'll bet everybody enjoys sucking your cock.
Rick: You ain't supposed to be smiling in court!
That's a violation!
Morty: I can smile anytime I dadgum want to!
Rick: Now, you're yelling at me again!
Morty: I am! I'm yelling!
Rick: You're getting mad!
Morty: Can you hear me?
Rick: You're shaking!
Morty: I am yelling at you!
Rick: Well, reckon you could suck my dick?
Morty: Yelling!
Rick: Can you take a break?
Morty: Yelling!
Rick: Can you take a break?
Morty: I'm yelling at you!
Rick: Can you take a break?
Morty: Yelling!
Rick: Can I get my dick sucked?
Morty: Can you hear me? Yelling!
Rick: Can I get my dick sucked?
Morty: Yelling! Yelling!
Rick: Are you ready to suck now?
Have you got it all out?
Morty: You know something?
Rick: You will, but you want me to fuck you in the butt then, right?
Morty: Oh, my goodness.
You've got plenty of that over in jail.
Rick: I could see it in you, when I came in the courtroom.
Morty: Okay, that's fine. You're gonna be here on-
Let me tell you how this is gonna work.
You're going to be-
Rick: You ain't going to tell me shit!
Morty: Listen...
Rick: Suck my dick!
Morty: Shut up! Listen to me!
Rick: Suck my dick, you fuckman!
Morty: Listen!
Rick: Suck my dick!
Morty: You'll be here in the court on Mon-
Rick: You'll be here sucking my dick!
Morty: You'll listen to me now!
Rick: Go fuck yourself!
Morty: Okay, I'm going to tell you how this is gonna work.
You either listen, or not. I don't care.
Rick: I'm through.
Can I- can I leave the courtroom?
Morty: No.
Bailiff: No, you've got to stay here.
Rick: No, I'm not talking to the bastard!
Morty: We're going to have the trial Monday week.
Rick: No, the fuck we are! I ain't going to trial with this lawyer present.
Morty: Listen! If you do not-
Rick: Suck my dick, you stinking-ass cracker!
Morty: If you act like this-
If you act like this, I will send you out of the courtroom-
Rick: Old bitch-ass cracker!
Morty: ...and leave you out of the courtroom during tri- during the trial.
Rick: Horse-ass cracker!
Morty: Do you understand that?
Rick: Horse ass, dick-sucking ass...
Morty: Do you understand that?
Rick: ...big butt...
Morty: Do you understand that?!
Rick: ...fuckman ass cracker!
Morty: *angrily* Do you understand that?!
Rick: Getting mad, ain't ya?
Morty: Stupid!
Rick: Or red-faced?
Morty: Listen!
Rick: Now you're calling me stupid?
Morty: Listen!
Yes, I am!
Rick: This is kangaroo court!
Morty: You know what? You have the- you have a constitutional right to be a dumbass!
Rick: Why don't you jump up on the stand and-
Morty: You have a constitutional right to be a dumbass!
Rick: and- and jump around like a fucking kangaroo, you dumb bastard!
Morty: Well, if you- if you- if you-- Rick: Suck my dick, I ain't listening to nothing you say!
Morty: ...come in here Monday week and-
Rick: And how about this?
I'll kill your whole family!
When I get in this trial I'll murder your whole family!
I'll cut your children up into pieces!
I'll knock their brains out with a fucking hammer and feed them to you!
Morty: A- are- are you t- Are you taking this down?
Court reporter: Yes, sir.
Morty: Okay, I'm gonna refer you to the District Attorney's office.
Rick: I don't give a fuck who you're referring to!
Morty: I- I'm just telling you.
Rick: I thought you were referring to my motherfucking dick, fuckman!
*Morty growls*
Morty: Aggravated- aggravated assault!
Terroristic threats!
And- and we'll just add to it!
Rick: I don't give a fuck.
I will murder you, your whole family, your kids.
I am not supposed to be in jail. I was framed.
That motherfucker asked me to eat his ass for a bag of coffee.
Morty: Well, you know- Rick: And now, you're telling me that I've got-
I got to- I- I got to go to trial with this fuckman over here.
Morty: You're obviously-
Rick: He's probably a pedophile!
Morty: You're obviously fixated on butts and dicks.
Rick: Huh? I'm fixated on your mouth!
Morty: No, you're fixated on butts and dicks.
Rick: You got a nasty mouth, sir!
Morty: Oh, I- I have an awful mouth.
Rick: You have a big ol' fat mouth.
Morty: *matter-of-factly* I do.
Rick: You gotta have a big ol' mouth to get this dick in it!
Morty: I sure do.
Rick: Alright.
Morty: Yep, I'm proud of it.
Rick: I'll make sure the next time, I- I come to court...
Morty: I-
Rick: ...I'll pull it out and jack on you!
Morty: Okay, why- why don't you do that right now?
Rick: I jack on white boys!
Morty: Why don't you do that right now?
Rick: Just like I jack on females.
Morty: Do it right now!
Rick: I can't do it now.
Morty: Do it now!
Rick: I ain't got- I ain't got but-
Morty: I don't care!
Rick: Take off the cuffs!
Morty: How many hands do you have to have to do it?
Rick: Take off the cuffs!
Morty: Come on! No, no!
Jack off!
Rick: This is kangaroo court!
Morty: Come on! Jack off!
Rick: This is- this is kangaroo court!
Morty: Jack off right now!
Rick: *incredulously* Are y'all getting this?!
Morty: Yeah, they're getting it.
Rick: I'm- I'm- I'm gonna... make sure!
This guy done call me stupid.
This motherfucker done told me he was gonna suck my dick.
Morty: I did not say that.
Rick: He wanted me to fuck him in the butt!
Morty: I did not say that either!
Rick: Uh, y- you're...you're a real nasty ass judge! This is-
Morty: I am indeed! And you're going to find out-
Rick: Now-
Morty: ...how nasty I really am!
Rick: You'll find out how nasty I am when I murder your whole family, bitch!
Morty: Okay, that's fine.
You know, you'll be in jail so long, you won't have a chance!
Rick: The babies will be going, "Daddy! daddy! help me!"
I'm just gonna- going- I'm just-
*Justin laughs*
Rick: I'm just going to knock their brains out with a fucking hammer!
*Justin laughs hysterically*
Morty: Okay, well you know, if I had any kids you'd probably be able to do that,
but since I don't have any, it doesn't really matter.
Rick: Well then, I'll get your nieces, your nephews, your sisters!
Morty: Doesn't really matter. I don't have any of those either.
Rick: Grandkids!
Morty: I don't have any of those either.
Rick: Aunties! Uh, aunts!
Morty: How can I have grandkids if I don't have any kids?
Rick: Brothers? Sisters?
Morty: Stupid.
You know, you- you're just completely, completely have no idea of the English language!
Rick: If you're not gonna suck my dick, sir, I don't- I don't want to be here!
Morty: Okay, I- I've enjoyed this.
I hope you have.
I know everybody else in the courtroom has enjoyed it,
but you can go now, and if-
Rick: Alright, well I-
Morty: if on Monday week this happens again you will not stay in the courtroom.
Rick: Suck my dick, sir!
Morty: Okay.
Rick: I'm subpoenaing y'all's ass in the courtroom!
*Based on the transcript of a real life court proceeding: State of Georgia vs. Denver Fenton Allen*
*Ship passing by*
*Skype call ringtone playing*
Morty: Hey, honey! It's me!
Jessica: Hi, my schmoopie-doopie!
So, how was work today?
A madhouse as usual?
Morty: Yeah, today was nuts!
I- I had a total basket-case in my court!
Jessica: *sighs* Did you get death threats again?
Morty: Yeah. He made a bunch of death threats at me but, you know, it's just a job.
Jessica: Uhh, you know how much that worries me.
If any of these men you put away ever got near us...
Morty: No, none of these people can get close to us.
The police are pretty good at doing that.
Jessica: I know, I really worry over it though.
It's just isn't safe for our growing family.
Have you thought about my dad's carpet store?
Morty: Yeah, but you know-
*Morty struggling* Rick: You son of a bitch! Jessica: *screams* Oh, my god! Morty!
R I P The Honorable Judge Morty Durham Jr. Ｈｅ ｗｉｌｌ ｂｅ ｍｉｓｓｅｄ.