WEBVTT Kind: captions Language: en 00:00:00.700 --> 00:00:04.660 Announcer: You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Morty Durham Jr. 00:00:05.300 --> 00:00:06.400 The people are real. 00:00:06.400 --> 00:00:07.820 The cases are real. 00:00:07.820 --> 00:00:09.480 The rulings are final. 00:00:09.800 --> 00:00:11.680 This is his courtroom. 00:00:11.680 --> 00:00:14.000 This... is Judge Morty. 00:00:14.960 --> 00:00:20.780 Sixty-year-old inmate Rick Allen is being accused of committing murder of a fellow inmate at Georgia Penitentiary. 00:00:21.380 --> 00:00:23.800 Mr. Allen claims that he is being set up, 00:00:23.800 --> 00:00:28.480 and that his lawyer is requesting sexual favors in exchange for proper legal advice. 00:00:29.680 --> 00:00:30.300 Morty: Okay. 00:00:30.300 --> 00:00:30.980 *clears throat* 00:00:30.980 --> 00:00:32.880 Okay. Mr.- Mr. Allen? 00:00:33.220 --> 00:00:33.720 Rick: Right. 00:00:33.960 --> 00:00:34.760 Morty: I believe that- 00:00:34.760 --> 00:00:36.520 I believe that your case is- 00:00:36.520 --> 00:00:37.580 was going to be- 00:00:37.580 --> 00:00:41.040 going to trial not this Monday, but the following Monday. 00:00:41.040 --> 00:00:41.940 Do you understand that? 00:00:42.300 --> 00:00:43.060 Rick: Yes, uhh... 00:00:43.060 --> 00:00:46.280 Morty: Okay. I tell ya, if you need to tell me something, I want- 00:00:46.280 --> 00:00:51.100 I'll let you come up here to the podium so you can speak into the microphone, and I can hear you. 00:00:51.100 --> 00:00:53.840 Rick: Yes, uhh, the attorney here, I'm wanting to fire him. 00:00:53.840 --> 00:00:54.380 Morty: Uh-huh. 00:00:54.380 --> 00:00:56.080 Rick: And, you know, I don't feel like he's doing any- 00:00:56.080 --> 00:00:56.880 Morty: Who're you're going to- 00:00:56.880 --> 00:00:57.660 Who are you gonna hire? 00:00:57.660 --> 00:00:58.920 Rick: I'm not going to hire nobody. 00:00:58.920 --> 00:01:00.760 I'm gonna try to get a different public defender. 00:01:00.760 --> 00:01:02.000 Morty: There- There isn't- 00:01:02.000 --> 00:01:03.420 You have a right to an attorney. 00:01:03.420 --> 00:01:04.200 Rick: This lawyer has- 00:01:04.200 --> 00:01:06.060 Morty: You don't have a right to a specific attorney. 00:01:06.060 --> 00:01:08.260 Rick: This lawyer has made sexual advances on me. He- 00:01:08.260 --> 00:01:08.760 Morty: Well- 00:01:08.760 --> 00:01:10.500 Rick: He's mis- misrepresenting my case! 00:01:10.500 --> 00:01:15.300 He told me if- if I wanted him to do a good job I had to let him give me oral sex. 00:01:15.300 --> 00:01:18.060 He's had doctors at Central State Hospital just put a false- 00:01:18.060 --> 00:01:20.120 Morty: He's had doctors at Central State Hospital...? 00:01:20.120 --> 00:01:21.740 Rick: ...put a false diagnosis on me. 00:01:21.740 --> 00:01:22.420 Morty: Okay? 00:01:22.420 --> 00:01:23.040 Rick: Um-- Morty: I don't... 00:01:23.040 --> 00:01:25.360 You know... I know Mr. Wyatt pretty well 00:01:25.360 --> 00:01:29.420 and I don't think he has the ability to make doctors at Central State do anything. 00:01:29.420 --> 00:01:32.120 Rick: Well, they did it, and he's the one that had me sit down there. 00:01:32.120 --> 00:01:35.400 Morty: Well, you know, they may have done it, but I don't think that... 00:01:35.400 --> 00:01:37.000 that he had anything to do with it. 00:01:37.000 --> 00:01:38.900 Rick: All right, well, he won't give me the discovery. 00:01:38.900 --> 00:01:39.740 Morty: He- well- I'm- 00:01:39.740 --> 00:01:45.440 Rick: There's things in discovery he's supposed to give me- the incident and told me that...that it was the discovery. 00:01:45.440 --> 00:01:45.960 Morty: Okay...? 00:01:45.960 --> 00:01:46.860 Rick: They're alternating... documents that I've read-- 00:01:46.860 --> 00:01:47.380 Morty: Okay... Rick: They're alternating... documents that I've read-- 00:01:47.380 --> 00:01:48.120 Rick: They're alternating... documents that I've read-- 00:01:48.120 --> 00:01:49.440 Morty: If you- if you want- 00:01:49.440 --> 00:01:53.320 If you want the indictment, I'll make sure you get a copy of the indictment. 00:01:53.320 --> 00:01:55.000 Rick: No! I'm saying I got the indictment... 00:01:55.000 --> 00:01:55.500 Morty: Uh huh... 00:01:55.500 --> 00:01:57.760 Rick: ...but he's not complying with discovery. 00:01:57.760 --> 00:01:58.260 Morty: Okay? 00:01:58.260 --> 00:02:02.460 Rick: I'm supposed to get the autopsy report, the coroner report, pictures of the crime scene... 00:02:02.460 --> 00:02:03.300 Morty: Cor-? 00:02:03.300 --> 00:02:04.180 Coroner report? 00:02:04.180 --> 00:02:05.800 Rick: ...criminal background records. I want-- 00:02:05.800 --> 00:02:06.300 Morty: Is this a n-- 00:02:06.300 --> 00:02:07.060 Is this a murder...? 00:02:07.060 --> 00:02:07.880 Bailiff: In the county jail. 00:02:07.880 --> 00:02:08.400 Morty: Okay. 00:02:08.400 --> 00:02:12.220 Rick: Yeah, I supposed to get the criminal background records, investigational summaries- 00:02:12.220 --> 00:02:14.380 Morty: Mr. Wyatt, what discovery do you have? 00:02:14.380 --> 00:02:15.460 Mr. Wyatt: I've given him everything I have. 00:02:15.460 --> 00:02:16.860 Morty: You've given him everything you have? 00:02:16.860 --> 00:02:17.360 Mr. Wyatt: Yes, sir. 00:02:17.360 --> 00:02:18.320 Morty: He's given you everything- 00:02:18.320 --> 00:02:19.380 Rick: This is a murder case and you're- 00:02:19.380 --> 00:02:19.880 Morty: Huh? 00:02:19.880 --> 00:02:23.800 Rick: This is a murder case and you're telling me the only thing on discovery is a four-page indictment? 00:02:23.800 --> 00:02:27.300 Morty: I don't think he's saying that. I think he's saying he's given you everything he has! 00:02:27.300 --> 00:02:29.340 Rick: He ain't given me no autopsy report. 00:02:29.340 --> 00:02:31.340 He ain't given me no coroner's report. 00:02:31.340 --> 00:02:31.840 He ain't given me- 00:02:31.840 --> 00:02:34.000 Morty: Well it may be that he doesn't have that. 00:02:34.000 --> 00:02:34.560 I don't know. 00:02:34.560 --> 00:02:35.760 Rick: That's what I've been trying to get. 00:02:35.760 --> 00:02:38.460 He didn't get me... pictures of the crime scene. 00:02:38.460 --> 00:02:41.140 I've seen other people go to trial on murder charges. 00:02:41.140 --> 00:02:42.460 I've seen what you're supposed to get. 00:02:42.460 --> 00:02:44.260 I'm not going to work with this attorney. 00:02:44.260 --> 00:02:45.240 Morty: Well, you know, you- you- 00:02:45.240 --> 00:02:46.600 Rick: It's not- it's not gonna happen! 00:02:46.600 --> 00:02:47.420 Morty: You've got- you've got- 00:02:47.420 --> 00:02:49.140 Rick: I'm not going to trial with this attorney! 00:02:49.140 --> 00:02:50.980 Morty: Well, you've got two choices. 00:02:50.980 --> 00:02:52.860 One, You can go to trial with him, 00:02:52.860 --> 00:02:55.360 or, two, you can try the case yourself. 00:02:55.360 --> 00:02:57.670 Now, I definitely, completely think that's- 00:02:57.670 --> 00:02:58.170 Morty: that's- Rick: And I've got a right to have- 00:02:58.170 --> 00:02:59.780 Morty: Wait a minute! Listen to me! 00:02:59.780 --> 00:03:01.920 That would be the biggest mistake you've ever made in your life! 00:03:01.920 --> 00:03:03.640 Rick: So basically, you're sitting here telling me- 00:03:03.640 --> 00:03:04.500 Morty: Now you have a- Rick: you're gonna find me guilty if... I- if I go to trial and try to defend myself? 00:03:04.500 --> 00:03:08.140 Rick: you're gonna find me guilty if... I- if I go to trial and try to defend myself? 00:03:08.140 --> 00:03:11.760 Morty: You're probably right. That would be my guess if you try to defend yourself. 00:03:11.760 --> 00:03:14.880 Y-you-you don't know anything about selecting a jury, do you? 00:03:14.880 --> 00:03:15.380 Rick: No! 00:03:15.380 --> 00:03:17.700 Morty: Do you know anything about cross-examining witnesses? 00:03:17.700 --> 00:03:18.200 Rick: *Sheepishly* No. 00:03:18.200 --> 00:03:19.960 Morty: Do you know anything about criminal procedure? 00:03:19.960 --> 00:03:21.180 Rick: I know I don't... have to let- 00:03:21.180 --> 00:03:22.280 Morty: Do you know anything- I'm- 00:03:22.280 --> 00:03:24.100 Rick: this guy...sucked my dick- 00:03:24.100 --> 00:03:25.100 Morty: Let-let-let me- let-let me- 00:03:25.100 --> 00:03:26.960 Rick]: ...to get some legal representation! 00:03:26.960 --> 00:03:30.260 Morty: You know something? I'll be honest, Mr. Allen, I really don't believe that! 00:03:30.260 --> 00:03:32.840 Rick: Well, I'm not- I'm not concerned if you believe it or not! 00:03:32.840 --> 00:03:33.720 Morty: I- You know- I- 00:03:33.720 --> 00:03:34.460 Morty: I- You know- I- Rick: But I'm- I'm supposed to... 00:03:34.460 --> 00:03:35.170 Rick: But I'm- I'm supposed to- 00:03:35.170 --> 00:03:36.980 I'm supposed to have a right to an attorney- 00:03:36.980 --> 00:03:37.480 Morty: That- 00:03:37.480 --> 00:03:38.800 Rick: ...and I'm not gonna work with this attorney! 00:03:38.800 --> 00:03:40.180 Morty: Well, that's up to you. 00:03:40.180 --> 00:03:44.860 Rick: So I hold myself in contempt if you try to pull me up here to court with that attorney. 00:03:44.860 --> 00:03:47.100 Morty: That- that's fine. I mean that's up to you. 00:03:47.100 --> 00:03:49.460 You- I- I told you what your choices are. 00:03:49.460 --> 00:03:50.280 You could go to trial- 00:03:50.280 --> 00:03:51.440 Rick: I- I'm just telling you. Well- 00:03:51.440 --> 00:03:52.120 Morty: Lis- Listen to me- 00:03:52.120 --> 00:03:53.420 Rick: I'll hold myself into contempt-- 00:03:53.420 --> 00:03:54.020 Morty: Listen to me! 00:03:54.020 --> 00:03:54.580 Rick: Fuck you! 00:03:54.580 --> 00:03:55.180 Morty: Listen to me! 00:03:55.180 --> 00:03:56.220 Rick: Go fuck yourself! 00:03:56.220 --> 00:03:57.460 I'm through here. Y'all done? 00:03:57.460 --> 00:03:58.700 Morty: I'm- I'm- I'm finding- 00:03:58.700 --> 00:04:00.220 I'm finding you in contempt of court! 00:04:00.220 --> 00:04:00.780 Rick: I don't care! 00:04:00.780 --> 00:04:01.690 Morty: I know you don't. 00:04:01.690 --> 00:04:03.800 And I sentence you to 20 days for that. 00:04:03.800 --> 00:04:07.380 And- and if you say anything else I'm gonna add 20 days for everything you say! 00:04:07.380 --> 00:04:07.960 Rick: Fuck you! 00:04:07.960 --> 00:04:08.640 Morty: Forty days! 00:04:08.640 --> 00:04:09.380 Rick: Fuck you again! 00:04:09.380 --> 00:04:09.880 Morty: Sixty! 00:04:09.880 --> 00:04:10.560 Rick: Go fuck yourself! 00:04:10.560 --> 00:04:11.180 Morty: A year! 00:04:11.180 --> 00:04:11.720 Rick: Your mama! 00:04:11.720 --> 00:04:12.280 Morty: Ten years! 00:04:12.280 --> 00:04:12.863 Rick: Suck my dick! 00:04:12.863 --> 00:04:14.840 Morty: You know something? This is gonna be an interesting trial! 00:04:14.840 --> 00:04:15.400 Rick: Oh yeah? 00:04:15.400 --> 00:04:16.000 Morty: *smugly* Oh yeah! 00:04:16.000 --> 00:04:17.740 Rick: You know you're not supposed to smile in court. 00:04:17.740 --> 00:04:18.560 You know that if you smile- 00:04:18.560 --> 00:04:20.140 Morty: I can smile anytime I want! 00:04:20.140 --> 00:04:21.040 Rick: ...it's a violation! 00:04:21.040 --> 00:04:22.100 Now you're cussing and yelling... 00:04:22.100 --> 00:04:23.180 Morty: I have not cussed! 00:04:23.180 --> 00:04:23.800 Rick: Yeah you did! 00:04:23.800 --> 00:04:24.640 Morty: I am yelling! 00:04:24.640 --> 00:04:26.260 Rick: Well go fuck yourself! Suck my dick! 00:04:26.260 --> 00:04:27.220 Morty: That's why I'm yelling! 00:04:27.220 --> 00:04:27.920 Rick: Suck my dick! 00:04:27.920 --> 00:04:30.800 Morty: You know something? You are absolutely the rudest person I think I've- 00:04:30.800 --> 00:04:31.660 Rick: You reckon- Morty: ...ever met! 00:04:31.660 --> 00:04:34.680 Rick: You reckon if I let you suck my dick that I could get a fair trial here? 00:04:34.680 --> 00:04:35.940 Morty: Oh, I don't think so! 00:04:35.940 --> 00:04:38.500 Rick: I've got a big dick now, and if I pull it out- 00:04:38.500 --> 00:04:41.180 Morty: I don't think that's gonna get you a fair trial unless you have... 00:04:41.180 --> 00:04:41.680 Rick: I'm done! 00:04:41.680 --> 00:04:42.940 Morty: ...every one of the jurors do it! 00:04:42.940 --> 00:04:44.540 Rick: I don't think that mouth is big enough, sir. 00:04:44.540 --> 00:04:46.100 I've got a big ol' donkey dick! 00:04:46.100 --> 00:04:47.380 Morty: You know, I'm sure mine's- 00:04:47.380 --> 00:04:48.420 I'm sure mine's not. 00:04:48.420 --> 00:04:50.280 Rick: I've got a big ol' donkey dick for that ass! 00:04:50.280 --> 00:04:51.880 Morty: Good! I'm sure the women love it! 00:04:51.880 --> 00:04:52.860 Rick: I don't fuck girls. 00:04:52.860 --> 00:04:54.260 Morty: Oh, oh no, I'm sorry. 00:04:54.260 --> 00:04:55.060 Rick: I fuck boys. 00:04:55.060 --> 00:04:56.880 Morty: Oh, I'm sorry. You prefer men. 00:04:56.880 --> 00:04:57.800 Rick: I fuck boys. 00:04:57.800 --> 00:04:59.140 Morty: You prefer men, right? 00:04:59.140 --> 00:05:00.400 Rick: I fuck white, white boys. 00:05:00.400 --> 00:05:02.240 Morty: You- oh. Oh. White or black? 00:05:02.240 --> 00:05:02.880 Rick: White boys. 00:05:02.880 --> 00:05:03.820 Morty: Oh, butt boys? 00:05:03.820 --> 00:05:04.740 Rick: With big butts. 00:05:04.740 --> 00:05:05.860 Morty: Oh, of course. 00:05:05.860 --> 00:05:07.480 You know, y-y-you look like a queer. 00:05:07.480 --> 00:05:10.380 Rick: Well, okay, so now, you're calling me a queer in the courtroom? 00:05:10.380 --> 00:05:12.520 Morty: I didn't call you one. I said you looked like one. 00:05:12.520 --> 00:05:13.100 Rick: You're yelling! 00:05:13.100 --> 00:05:15.080 Morty: *laughing* Do you understand the English language? 00:05:15.080 --> 00:05:16.480 Rick: Wait, you're yelling. You're laughing. 00:05:16.480 --> 00:05:18.020 Morty: *Serious* Do you understand the English language? 00:05:18.020 --> 00:05:20.320 Rick: This is- this- this...is kangaroo court, sir! 00:05:20.320 --> 00:05:22.520 Morty: Do you- You know what? No, we're not in... 00:05:22.520 --> 00:05:23.100 *giggles* 00:05:23.100 --> 00:05:23.980 Australia. 00:05:23.980 --> 00:05:25.840 *Justin Laughing* Rick: I mean if you wanna suck my dick, you can do it anytime now. 00:05:25.840 --> 00:05:27.020 Rick: I mean if you wanna suck my dick, you can do it anytime now. 00:05:27.020 --> 00:05:28.920 Morty: Oh- you're, you're so smart! Rick: We can get this court-ordered. 00:05:28.920 --> 00:05:30.300 Do we have to court-order this? 00:05:30.300 --> 00:05:31.720 Morty: You're so funny. You're so cute. 00:05:31.720 --> 00:05:34.060 Rick: Can we get a court order to get my dick sucked, sir? 00:05:34.060 --> 00:05:34.780 Morty: You're so cute. 00:05:34.780 --> 00:05:37.380 I know all the inmates just love you to death. 00:05:37.380 --> 00:05:37.900 Rick: Oh yeah. 00:05:37.900 --> 00:05:38.460 Morty: Oh, I bet. 00:05:38.460 --> 00:05:40.600 Rick: All the white butt boys love me to death too. 00:05:40.600 --> 00:05:43.980 Morty: Okay, well, I-I-I'll bet they do,and I bet all the rest of them do, too. 00:05:43.980 --> 00:05:45.500 Rick: You ain't supposed to smile in court! 00:05:45.500 --> 00:05:47.460 Morty: I'll bet everybody enjoys sucking your cock. 00:05:47.460 --> 00:05:49.100 Rick: You ain't supposed to be smiling in court! 00:05:49.100 --> 00:05:49.750 That's a violation! 00:05:49.750 --> 00:05:52.440 Morty: I can smile anytime I dadgum want to! 00:05:52.440 --> 00:05:53.880 Rick: Now, you're yelling at me again! 00:05:53.880 --> 00:05:54.960 Morty: I am! I'm yelling! 00:05:54.960 --> 00:05:55.680 Rick: You're getting mad! 00:05:55.680 --> 00:05:56.220 Morty: Can you hear me? 00:05:56.220 --> 00:05:56.760 Rick: You're shaking! 00:05:56.760 --> 00:05:57.680 Morty: I am yelling at you! 00:05:57.680 --> 00:05:59.140 Rick: Well, reckon you could suck my dick? 00:05:59.140 --> 00:05:59.680 Morty: Yelling! 00:05:59.680 --> 00:06:00.360 Rick: Can you take a break? 00:06:00.360 --> 00:06:00.920 Morty: Yelling! 00:06:00.920 --> 00:06:01.760 Rick: Can you take a break? 00:06:01.760 --> 00:06:02.680 Morty: I'm yelling at you! 00:06:02.680 --> 00:06:03.400 Rick: Can you take a break? 00:06:03.400 --> 00:06:04.120 Morty: Yelling! 00:06:04.120 --> 00:06:05.160 Rick: Can I get my dick sucked? 00:06:05.160 --> 00:06:06.220 Morty: Can you hear me? Yelling! 00:06:06.220 --> 00:06:07.120 Rick: Can I get my dick sucked? 00:06:07.120 --> 00:06:07.940 Morty: Yelling! Yelling! 00:06:07.940 --> 00:06:08.900 Rick: Are you ready to suck now? 00:06:08.900 --> 00:06:09.920 Have you got it all out? 00:06:09.920 --> 00:06:10.420 Morty: You know something? 00:06:10.420 --> 00:06:12.760 Rick: You will, but you want me to fuck you in the butt then, right? 00:06:12.760 --> 00:06:13.560 Morty: Oh, my goodness. 00:06:13.560 --> 00:06:15.180 You've got plenty of that over in jail. 00:06:15.180 --> 00:06:16.840 Rick: I could see it in you, when I came in the courtroom. 00:06:16.840 --> 00:06:18.940 Morty: Okay, that's fine. You're gonna be here on- 00:06:18.940 --> 00:06:20.220 Let me tell you how this is gonna work. 00:06:20.220 --> 00:06:20.720 You're going to be- 00:06:20.720 --> 00:06:21.680 Rick: You ain't going to tell me shit! 00:06:21.680 --> 00:06:22.180 Morty: Listen... 00:06:22.180 --> 00:06:22.840 Rick: Suck my dick! 00:06:22.840 --> 00:06:23.660 Morty: Shut up! Listen to me! 00:06:23.660 --> 00:06:25.100 Rick: Suck my dick, you fuckman! 00:06:25.100 --> 00:06:25.640 Morty: Listen! 00:06:25.640 --> 00:06:26.360 Rick: Suck my dick! 00:06:26.360 --> 00:06:27.640 Morty: You'll be here in the court on Mon- 00:06:27.640 --> 00:06:28.800 Rick: You'll be here sucking my dick! 00:06:28.800 --> 00:06:29.800 Morty: You'll listen to me now! 00:06:29.800 --> 00:06:30.560 Rick: Go fuck yourself! 00:06:30.560 --> 00:06:32.756 Morty: Okay, I'm going to tell you how this is gonna work. 00:06:32.756 --> 00:06:34.470 You either listen, or not. I don't care. 00:06:34.470 --> 00:06:35.220 Rick: I'm through. 00:06:35.220 --> 00:06:36.260 Can I- can I leave the courtroom? 00:06:36.260 --> 00:06:36.760 Morty: No. 00:06:36.760 --> 00:06:37.880 Bailiff: No, you've got to stay here. 00:06:37.880 --> 00:06:39.140 Rick: No, I'm not talking to the bastard! 00:06:39.140 --> 00:06:41.100 Morty: We're going to have the trial Monday week. 00:06:41.100 --> 00:06:44.140 Rick: No, the fuck we are! I ain't going to trial with this lawyer present. 00:06:44.140 --> 00:06:45.260 Morty: Listen! If you do not- 00:06:45.260 --> 00:06:47.140 Rick: Suck my dick, you stinking-ass cracker! 00:06:47.140 --> 00:06:48.340 Morty: If you act like this- 00:06:48.340 --> 00:06:51.060 If you act like this, I will send you out of the courtroom- 00:06:51.060 --> 00:06:52.020 Rick: Old bitch-ass cracker! 00:06:52.020 --> 00:06:54.640 Morty: ...and leave you out of the courtroom during tri- during the trial. 00:06:54.640 --> 00:06:55.500 Rick: Horse-ass cracker! 00:06:55.500 --> 00:06:56.180 Morty: Do you understand that? 00:06:56.180 --> 00:06:57.280 Rick: Horse ass, dick-sucking ass... 00:06:57.280 --> 00:06:58.260 Morty: Do you understand that? 00:06:58.260 --> 00:06:58.760 Rick: ...big butt... 00:06:58.760 --> 00:06:59.280 Morty: Do you understand that?! 00:06:59.280 --> 00:07:00.080 Morty: Do you understand that?! Rick: ...fuckman ass cracker! 00:07:00.080 --> 00:07:00.720 Rick: ...fuckman ass cracker! 00:07:00.720 --> 00:07:01.640 Morty: *angrily* Do you understand that?! 00:07:01.640 --> 00:07:02.360 Rick: Getting mad, ain't ya? 00:07:02.360 --> 00:07:02.860 Morty: Stupid! 00:07:02.860 --> 00:07:03.435 Rick: Or red-faced? 00:07:03.440 --> 00:07:04.000 Morty: Listen! 00:07:04.000 --> 00:07:05.140 Rick: Now you're calling me stupid? 00:07:05.140 --> 00:07:05.640 Morty: Listen! 00:07:05.640 --> 00:07:06.180 Yes, I am! 00:07:06.180 --> 00:07:07.280 Rick: This is kangaroo court! 00:07:07.280 --> 00:07:10.080 Morty: You know what? You have the- you have a constitutional right to be a dumbass! 00:07:10.080 --> 00:07:11.320 Rick: Why don't you jump up on the stand and- 00:07:11.320 --> 00:07:11.880 Morty: You have a constitutional right to be a dumbass! 00:07:11.880 --> 00:07:13.760 Morty: You have a constitutional right to be a dumbass! Rick: and- and jump around like a fucking kangaroo, you dumb bastard! 00:07:13.760 --> 00:07:14.960 Rick: and- and jump around like a fucking kangaroo, you dumb bastard! 00:07:14.960 --> 00:07:17.300 Morty: Well, if you- if you- if you-- Rick: Suck my dick, I ain't listening to nothing you say! 00:07:17.300 --> 00:07:18.080 Morty: ...come in here Monday week and- 00:07:18.080 --> 00:07:18.880 Rick: And how about this? 00:07:18.880 --> 00:07:19.957 I'll kill your whole family! 00:07:19.960 --> 00:07:22.300 When I get in this trial I'll murder your whole family! 00:07:22.300 --> 00:07:24.000 I'll cut your children up into pieces! 00:07:24.000 --> 00:07:26.760 I'll knock their brains out with a fucking hammer and feed them to you! 00:07:26.760 --> 00:07:28.300 Morty: A- are- are you t- Are you taking this down? 00:07:28.300 --> 00:07:28.800 Court reporter: Yes, sir. 00:07:28.800 --> 00:07:30.560 Morty: Okay, I'm gonna refer you to the District Attorney's office. 00:07:30.560 --> 00:07:32.240 Rick: I don't give a fuck who you're referring to! 00:07:32.240 --> 00:07:32.820 Morty: I- I'm just telling you. 00:07:32.820 --> 00:07:35.340 Rick: I thought you were referring to my motherfucking dick, fuckman! 00:07:35.340 --> 00:07:35.921 *Morty growls* 00:07:35.921 --> 00:07:37.500 Morty: Aggravated- aggravated assault! 00:07:37.500 --> 00:07:38.720 Terroristic threats! 00:07:38.720 --> 00:07:39.600 And- and we'll just add to it! 00:07:39.600 --> 00:07:40.492 Rick: I don't give a fuck. 00:07:40.492 --> 00:07:42.839 I will murder you, your whole family, your kids. 00:07:42.840 --> 00:07:45.500 I am not supposed to be in jail. I was framed. 00:07:45.500 --> 00:07:48.500 That motherfucker asked me to eat his ass for a bag of coffee. 00:07:48.500 --> 00:07:49.080 Morty: Well, you know- Rick: And now, you're telling me that I've got- 00:07:49.080 --> 00:07:50.200 Rick: And now, you're telling me that I've got- 00:07:50.200 --> 00:07:53.380 I got to- I- I got to go to trial with this fuckman over here. 00:07:53.380 --> 00:07:53.880 Morty: You're obviously- 00:07:53.880 --> 00:07:55.122 Rick: He's probably a pedophile! 00:07:55.122 --> 00:07:57.500 Morty: You're obviously fixated on butts and dicks. 00:07:57.500 --> 00:07:59.000 Rick: Huh? I'm fixated on your mouth! 00:07:59.000 --> 00:08:00.620 Morty: No, you're fixated on butts and dicks. 00:08:00.620 --> 00:08:01.720 Rick: You got a nasty mouth, sir! 00:08:01.720 --> 00:08:03.140 Morty: Oh, I- I have an awful mouth. 00:08:03.140 --> 00:08:04.720 Rick: You have a big ol' fat mouth. 00:08:04.720 --> 00:08:05.220 Morty: *matter-of-factly* I do. 00:08:05.220 --> 00:08:07.760 Rick: You gotta have a big ol' mouth to get this dick in it! 00:08:07.760 --> 00:08:08.440 Morty: I sure do. 00:08:08.440 --> 00:08:08.940 Rick: Alright. 00:08:08.940 --> 00:08:09.800 Morty: Yep, I'm proud of it. 00:08:09.800 --> 00:08:12.180 Rick: I'll make sure the next time, I- I come to court... 00:08:12.180 --> 00:08:12.680 Morty: I- 00:08:12.680 --> 00:08:13.480 Rick: ...I'll pull it out and jack on you! 00:08:13.480 --> 00:08:15.260 Morty: Okay, why- why don't you do that right now? 00:08:15.260 --> 00:08:16.320 Rick: I jack on white boys! 00:08:16.320 --> 00:08:17.413 Morty: Why don't you do that right now? 00:08:17.420 --> 00:08:19.060 Rick: Just like I jack on females. 00:08:19.060 --> 00:08:19.720 Morty: Do it right now! 00:08:19.720 --> 00:08:20.600 Rick: I can't do it now. 00:08:20.600 --> 00:08:21.100 Morty: Do it now! 00:08:21.100 --> 00:08:22.040 Rick: I ain't got- I ain't got but- 00:08:22.040 --> 00:08:22.560 Morty: I don't care! 00:08:22.560 --> 00:08:23.401 Rick: Take off the cuffs! 00:08:23.401 --> 00:08:24.940 Morty: How many hands do you have to have to do it? 00:08:24.940 --> 00:08:25.700 Rick: Take off the cuffs! 00:08:25.700 --> 00:08:26.840 Morty: Come on! No, no! 00:08:26.840 --> 00:08:27.340 Jack off! 00:08:27.340 --> 00:08:28.380 Rick: This is kangaroo court! 00:08:28.380 --> 00:08:29.293 Morty: Come on! Jack off! 00:08:29.300 --> 00:08:30.660 Rick: This is- this is kangaroo court! 00:08:30.660 --> 00:08:31.600 Morty: Jack off right now! 00:08:31.600 --> 00:08:32.300 Rick: *incredulously* Are y'all getting this?! 00:08:32.300 --> 00:08:33.120 Morty: Yeah, they're getting it. 00:08:33.120 --> 00:08:35.180 Rick: I'm- I'm- I'm gonna... make sure! 00:08:35.180 --> 00:08:36.720 This guy done call me stupid. 00:08:36.720 --> 00:08:39.500 This motherfucker done told me he was gonna suck my dick. 00:08:39.500 --> 00:08:40.260 Morty: I did not say that. 00:08:40.260 --> 00:08:41.720 Rick: He wanted me to fuck him in the butt! 00:08:41.720 --> 00:08:42.600 Morty: I did not say that either! 00:08:42.600 --> 00:08:45.080 Rick: Uh, y- you're...you're a real nasty ass judge! This is- 00:08:45.080 --> 00:08:47.240 Morty: I am indeed! And you're going to find out- 00:08:47.240 --> 00:08:47.740 Rick: Now- 00:08:47.740 --> 00:08:48.560 Morty: ...how nasty I really am! 00:08:48.560 --> 00:08:51.460 Rick: You'll find out how nasty I am when I murder your whole family, bitch! 00:08:51.460 --> 00:08:52.500 Morty: Okay, that's fine. 00:08:52.500 --> 00:08:54.800 You know, you'll be in jail so long, you won't have a chance! 00:08:54.800 --> 00:08:57.540 Rick: The babies will be going, "Daddy! daddy! help me!" 00:08:57.540 --> 00:08:59.340 I'm just gonna- going- I'm just- 00:08:59.340 --> 00:09:00.820 *Justin laughs* 00:09:00.820 --> 00:09:03.420 Rick: I'm just going to knock their brains out with a fucking hammer! 00:09:03.420 --> 00:09:03.920 *Justin laughs hysterically* 00:09:03.920 --> 00:09:07.440 Morty: Okay, well you know, if I had any kids you'd probably be able to do that, 00:09:07.440 --> 00:09:09.580 but since I don't have any, it doesn't really matter. 00:09:09.580 --> 00:09:11.640 Rick: Well then, I'll get your nieces, your nephews, your sisters! 00:09:11.640 --> 00:09:13.900 Morty: Doesn't really matter. I don't have any of those either. 00:09:13.900 --> 00:09:14.540 Rick: Grandkids! 00:09:14.540 --> 00:09:15.500 Morty: I don't have any of those either. 00:09:15.500 --> 00:09:16.920 Rick: Aunties! Uh, aunts! 00:09:16.920 --> 00:09:18.980 Morty: How can I have grandkids if I don't have any kids? 00:09:18.980 --> 00:09:19.760 Rick: Brothers? Sisters? 00:09:19.760 --> 00:09:20.280 Morty: Stupid. 00:09:20.280 --> 00:09:24.620 You know, you- you're just completely, completely have no idea of the English language! 00:09:24.620 --> 00:09:27.760 Rick: If you're not gonna suck my dick, sir, I don't- I don't want to be here! 00:09:27.760 --> 00:09:29.300 Morty: Okay, I- I've enjoyed this. 00:09:29.300 --> 00:09:30.220 I hope you have. 00:09:30.220 --> 00:09:32.420 I know everybody else in the courtroom has enjoyed it, 00:09:32.420 --> 00:09:33.560 but you can go now, and if- 00:09:33.560 --> 00:09:34.240 Rick: Alright, well I- 00:09:34.240 --> 00:09:37.240 Morty: if on Monday week this happens again you will not stay in the courtroom. 00:09:37.240 --> 00:09:38.060 Rick: Suck my dick, sir! 00:09:38.060 --> 00:09:38.640 Morty: Okay. 00:09:38.640 --> 00:09:40.920 Rick: I'm subpoenaing y'all's ass in the courtroom! 00:09:40.920 --> 00:09:44.600 *Based on the transcript of a real life court proceeding: State of Georgia vs. Denver Fenton Allen* 00:10:12.780 --> 00:10:14.180 *Ship passing by* 00:10:18.220 --> 00:10:21.300 *Skype call ringtone playing* 00:10:22.120 --> 00:10:23.140 Morty: Hey, honey! It's me! 00:10:23.140 --> 00:10:25.220 Jessica: Hi, my schmoopie-doopie! 00:10:25.220 --> 00:10:27.420 So, how was work today? 00:10:27.420 --> 00:10:28.860 A madhouse as usual? 00:10:28.860 --> 00:10:30.260 Morty: Yeah, today was nuts! 00:10:30.260 --> 00:10:32.933 I- I had a total basket-case in my court! 00:10:32.933 --> 00:10:35.720 Jessica: *sighs* Did you get death threats again? 00:10:35.720 --> 00:10:40.020 Morty: Yeah. He made a bunch of death threats at me but, you know, it's just a job. 00:10:40.020 --> 00:10:41.960 Jessica: Uhh, you know how much that worries me. 00:10:41.960 --> 00:10:45.020 If any of these men you put away ever got near us... 00:10:45.020 --> 00:10:47.520 Morty: No, none of these people can get close to us. 00:10:47.520 --> 00:10:49.060 The police are pretty good at doing that. 00:10:49.060 --> 00:10:51.820 Jessica: I know, I really worry over it though. 00:10:52.420 --> 00:10:54.980 It's just isn't safe for our growing family. 00:10:54.980 --> 00:10:56.949 Have you thought about my dad's carpet store? 00:10:56.949 --> 00:10:58.589 Morty: Yeah, but you know- 00:10:59.169 --> 00:11:01.909 *Morty struggling* Rick: You son of a bitch! Jessica: *screams* Oh, my god! Morty! 00:11:07.920 --> 00:11:12.540 R I P The Honorable Judge Morty Durham Jr. Ｈｅ　ｗｉｌｌ　ｂｅ　ｍｉｓｓｅｄ.