NARRATOR (Rainbow Dash): Rainbow Dash Presents...
My Little Dashie.
Harry Wayne lived his life like any normal monkey -
one day at a time, experiencing one event after the next.
...or maybe every event all at once depending on how you think about it.
But he just thinks he's experiencing one event at a time,
or y'know...
Anyway... no time travel or anything for the most part, except for forwards,
which is kind of too bad, 'cause that would be fun.
But fun is not something that Harry is really *good* at having.
He's more good at being angry at the city and vigilant against its shortcomings.
It's become a routine since the death of his parents,
and he spends each night traveling the streets,
ridding it of the wrongs that caused those deaths in the first place.
He spends a lot of time staring at a *pretty* supercomputer,
mostly super 'cause of sentimental reasons,
and it's friggin' bad for his eyes.
And so his routine remained,
until one day when hanging an innocent man on the light pole
for a crime he *could* have committed but actually didn't,
Harry Wayne spotted a box,
and that box would change his life forever.
HARRY: Who on earth leaves trash just layin' around in the street?
I swear people only think of themselves.
Well, I guess it's up to *me* to deal with yet another one of the city's...
[Gasps]
NARRATOR: It's frigging Rainbow Dash!
Not just Rainbow Dash but *baby* Rainbow Dash!
The cutest, most potential filled, most stark naked kind of Rainbow Dash there is!
Harry's dried and crusty heart cannot help but melt into a crusty soup.
She's so adorable!
HARRY: Ohhh!
Now who on earth would throw away a perfectly good magic pony?
NARRATOR: Harry immediately does what just about anybody would do in this kind of situation-
he stuffs me down his shirt and runs off.
Uh, now contrary to what most ponies think, being a bat is very expensive.
So even though Harry has paid off all the debts on his bat-car,
and his bat-lube,
and his bat-'puter,
that stuff costs millions, which was all of his inheritance,
so he doesn't have money for a bat-house.
Just a normal house in a really bad part of town.
So that's where he takes baby me.
In fact Harry Wayne actually has no real income at all,
so everything except his bat-stuff is pretty rundown,
and the bat car is gonna be on cinder blocks until he can bum a few hundred dollars off someone.
As we enter the house Harry stops to rub his little monkey fingers all over a picture of his parents.
HARRY: Hello mom and dad.
NARRATOR: They're, um, dead.
They died fighting a horrible Lord-wizard-spirochetes something or other.
So, um, when that awkwardness is over
he dumps little me on the floor and lets me get to exploring,
in the assumption that I'll be pretty darn cute.
Of course this house is pretty cold,
so the first thing I do is pee.
It's kind of like the main thing that babies do.
After that he feeds me carrots,
which I'm just old enough for, and it makes us instant friends.
My parents would have flipped out if they'd known I'd gotten a whole carrot at this age.
They'd all be like,
"eat your mushed alfalfa, it's good for you!"
But not Harry Wayne!
HARRY: Well, I dunno what horses eat,
but, you're a *magical* horse so I'm sure it'll work out.
Oh and by the way, the heater hasn't worked since my father died.
You're gonna be so happy here!
NARRATOR: And there I stay for months.
I learned to talk pretty quickly, but I never get to go outside,
and I think it's *seriously* stunting my emotional growth,
because I just *destroy everything* in my youthful rebellion.
[Crashing, thumping footsteps, glass breaks]
HARRY: Dash? What are you doing up there?
DASH: I am playing.
HARRY: Playing what? It's too noisy.
DASH: I am playing run. I'm running.
HARRY: Well no more playing 'run',
you can play 'sit' instead.
DASH: Awwww! I *hate* sit!
HARRY: 'Sit' is a nice game. You love 'sit'!
[Dash begins bawling]
Kids today don't have enough imagination.
What are you gonna do with basic cable, the internet or Xbox that you can't do...
Dash [still bawling]: I never even go outside!
HARRY: Big girls don't cry Dashie.
[Dash continues bawling and sobbing]
Big girls don't cry.
[Dash continues sobbing hysterically]
Hey...
[Dash's sobbing continues unabated]
Hey, hey Dashie, look! Look! I have a sugar-cube!
If you play 'sit', you'll get a sugar-cube.
[Sobbing abruptly ceases]
DASH: Oh.
Ok, yes, gimme, gimme the cube.
HARRY: Do you like 'sit'?
DASH: Yes.
HARRY: Do you like 'sit'?
DASH: Yes, I like the cube!
HARRY: Lemme hear you say you like 'sit'.
DASH: OK! I love it! I love sit!
Now give the sugar-cube!
HARRY: So precious...
Now you be good, daddy has to go to wizard school, and he'll be back for dinner.
And whatever you do, *don't go outside*.
DASH: [Cackles] Ain't no rule can withstand Rainbow Dash!
GIRL'S VOICE: "Hey Barbara, where you done get them nice shoes girl?"
"They match y'all's pink earrings."
[Girl's voice deepens] "Oh, hey Sven, I done got these at the rich monkey store
where they sell one underwear at a time."
DASH: H-Hello?
GIRL: Hello?
DASH: Hi, my name is Rainbow Dash.
I'm breaking the rules. Don't tell anybody.
GIRL: Oh my gosh! Is you a magical pony?!
DASH: No. I think just regular.
GIRL: Regular? But you're talking and blue!
That's not regular, you've got to be magical!
DASH: Ye-OK! That's awesome!
I didn't know other ponies, so I couldn't compare.
GIRL: My name is LaFonda.
LaFonda Diller Onyapafunda.
But y'all can call me LaFonda.
Ok! My first wish, is to be a princess.
DASH: Oh that's a good wish. I wish that too.
LAFONDA: I thought you granted wishes.
DASH: Oh, um... oh...
I don't know how to do *that*.
LAFONDA: Well, how come?
You lost from a leprechaun village or somethin'?
DASH: [chuckles] No, I live here.
LAFONDA: Ok, well, do y'all wanna play Barbaras with me?
DASH: Sure!
LAFONDA: Ok then, you be Barbara and I'll be Sven.
"Wow girl, them sure is some sexy shoes!"
"They make you look damn fine sexy girl!"
DASH: "Oh, oh gosh..."
"I don't know what that means for sure, but thank you so much!"
LAFONDA: Wow. Y'all played Barbaras before?
You're pretty good at it.
DASH: This is my first time, thank you!
I don't know why my dad won't let me go outside,
I'm having a really nice time.
LAFONDA: I don't have no dad.
My mama says she don't need no man.
Hey, y'all's a pony. You want some sugar-cubes?
DASH: Seriously?! I always want sugar-cubes!
You have some?!
Oh my gosh! Being outside is like the best thing ever!
LAFONDA: Here y'all do.
DASH: Oh my gosh! Thank you!
[Frantic eating]
[Speaking with mouth full] This is so amazing! You're my favorite monkey ever!
LAFONDA: What are y'all doing? I don't want this.
DASH: Are you kidding? I have to give you something in return!
[Door closes]
Uh-oh! oh, oh no! My dad came home!
[Squeak]
NARRATOR: Right then I realized that if I went through that door,
my monkey dad would see me and know for sure I broke the rules.
HARRY: Wow, it sure is lucky I left this book sittin' here.
Otherwise I'd've had to search the whole house!
[Thump, door closes]
Rainbow Dash! Were you outside?!
DASH: Um...
I broke the rules, I am a *rebel*!
HARRY: Sweetheart, it is very important that you...
DASH: I don't have any scruples!
HARRY: Listen to me Dashie, you can't go outside,
because if you do, the government will find you,
and then they'll cut you into pieces.
DASH: Oh no! Why would they do that?!
HARRY: I don't know. It's just what the government does,
they find some rare one-of-a-kind animal,
and then they just cut it up into pieces for science.
DASH: Even if I ask them not to?
HARRY: *Especially* if you ask 'em not to!
That'll just make 'em angry.
Trust me little Dashie,
there is no better place for you than here, with me.
But if you want, tomorrow I can stuff you down my shirt,
and we can go to the park!
DASH: 'Kay.
HARRY: That's a good girl!
Would you like a sugar cube?
DASH: [Mumbling] I still don't und...
Ah! Would I?! Yes! Please.
NARRATOR: And so life continued,
with me falling into a terrible and boring routine with no real aspirations.
the only link between me and the outside world and sanity was LaFonda.
HARRY: We're so lucky we found each other.
I haven't been this happy since before my parents died!
DASH: I'm being squished!
Can I please have my own room?
HARRY: You're not ready yet.
NARRATOR: Day after day on a diet of nothing but carrots,
sugar-cubes, and whatever else LaFonda would feed me,
just hanging around, fighting the power,
and then getting the power explained to me again.
The only breaks were the weekly colic episodes that turned hours into years.
But worst of all was when my dad decided that I liked NASCAR on DVD,
'cause I really obviously liked the *idea* of racing,
it looked like a lot of fun to *ride* in a race car 'cause they go so fast.
But sitting around just *watching* race cars go in circles for hours,
and having my monkey dad skip past the accidents was *way boring*.
When I turned old enough monkey dad decided I was ready for a job,
which is super lame.
Of course I couldn't have a *real* job,
because I'm a pony and the pony dissection labs and all,
but every time I mow I got a dad dollar,
which I could turn into the dad store for cookies and stuff.
So pretty soon I just mowed the lawn to death.
But then finally came the fateful day.
Left home alone and with nothing else to do,
I finished reading the phone book and decided to try reading receipts instead.
it took me a little while to realize it,
but dad dollars had *major* inflation!
One dad dollar bought me stuff that cost like, 30 cents or less!
It was friggin' ridiculous!
DASH: How long?
LAFONDA: How long what?
DASH: How long has *pocket lint* had low market value?!
I've been mis-investing my entire future!
LAFONDA: I don't know... since forever?
DASH: Since forever?!
Oh man! That box upstairs is *worthless*!
I can't believe it! I'm totally bankrupt!
I'm gonna hurl myself off the roof!
Talk me out of it LaFonda!
LAFONDA: Ok, don't go hurl yourself off a roof!
Gosh, why you gotta be so dramatic?
DASH: [Sighs] 'Cause my life is boring.
What else am I gonna make a big deal about?
Seriously, it's like *this* or my whole afternoon is just over.
[Magical explosion, fireworks]
STRANGE MONKEY: At last!
Bat Who Lived! I found your domicile!
And now... [trails off]
DASH: LaFonda?! LaFonda, help!
I-I think the government finally found me!
It's just how I always pictured them!
STRANGE MONKEY: You're a talking blue pegasus... a small one too.
Normally they're majestic, and white, and less...
Well, they usually have a more inspiring frame.
DASH: no I, am, um...
No, I'm-I'm a-a lawn ornament.
A *talking* lawn ornament.
LAFONDA: Hey!
DASH: I'm very advanced.
LAFONDA: You bein' robbed over there?
DASH: LaFonda! Help!
LAFONDA: She ain't got nothin' worth stealin'!
DASH: It's true!
Only pocket lint and a plastic body.
Without any interesting organs to look at.
STRANGE MONKEY: Is this the home of the Bat Who Lived?
DASH: Oh, [Snorts] yeah, that's my stupid dad.
STRANGE MONKEY: Oh. [Laughs]
Well, your dad's not home... Is he?
DASH: No, I'm a big girl and I can watch myself.
I have been doing it since I was very little,
and I'm very good at it now.
STRANGE MONKEY: Now, now, nonsense!
Daddy's little girl needs a babysitter!
[Magical pop]
There we are! Much more comfortable!
I just thought you might like to hang out!
And later on maybe we can go for a swim!
Does that sound like fun?
DASH: Uh, well, I guess so.
I-I mean, like, I've never really been swimming.
Is-Is it very hard to learn?
STRANGE MONKEY: No!
I'm going to lower you into the acid!
DASH: You mean, you're not gonna dissect me?
Not to give you ideas or anything.
STRANGE MONKEY: Dissect you? No!
That's would... No! The acid and dissection are mutually incompatible.
DASH: Oh! Gosh, wow!
[Laughs] Oh, thank goodness! Geez!
See, I was really worried there!
Oh man, so, so, like you wanna hang out or something?
I really like 20 questions. Are you ready?
Ok, I'm thinking of a thing. Ok, now ask me a question.
STRANGE MONKEY: You don't get out much, do you?
DASH: Oh, nah.
See I can't really go out on account of I'm a pony
an-and different and stuff here.
So, I think society just say they sort of want to cut me open and look inside of me.
I-I guess.
STRANGE MONKEY: Really?
DASH: Yeah, I figure it's like, have you ever tried to look really far down your throat in the mirror?
STRANGE MONKEY: You know, I have the exact same problem with society!
It's always trying to cross examine my actions!
Monkeys are always asking why I don't have a nose,
and why I sharpen my teeth, and how come I wear clown makeup,
but this is the face of fear!
DASH: I have the face of Rainbow Dash!
STRANGE MONKEY: Well, it's nice to meet you Rainbow Dash.
My name... is the Jokermort!
DASH: So society wants to dissect you too, huh?
You know, nobody ever wants to dissect LaFonda.
She doesn't understand.
JOKERMORT: I know! It's so hard to find someone who truly relates to you.
DASH: Yeah.
So, hey, do you maybe want to go play a game, or do something fun?
JOKERMORT: Actually, you know,
I think there's supposed to be a great karaoke bar a few blocks from here.
Would you like to go?
DASH: Oh my gosh, I would love kuroky!
I don't even care what it is!
HARRY: Dash? Dash?! Where are you?!
Do-don't hide, I have a sugar cube! Come out!
[Doorbell rings]
Excuse me, ok, this is going to sound crazy,
but have you seen a bright blue winged pony around here,
maybe mowing lawns for cookies?
You can tell me, don't hide her from me,
she'll kill your lawn.
LADY MONKEY: *Excuse* me, have we met before?
Because my name is Boudica Stephanie Cadillac Washington,
and my little girl LaFonda is always talking about a little blue pony.
Has you been talking to her?
Or more importantly has she been talkin' with you?
Because she ain't supposed to be talkin' to no strangers.
HARRY: What? No, no, I don't know who that is!
I'm looking for a bright blue pony.
*Bright blue*, you can't miss her.
She might choke on something if I don't find her.
BOUDICA: Uh, you ain't answer my question.
I asked you if my daughter done talked to you!
HARRY: I haven't talked to your daughter!
Have you seen a magic pony?
BOUDICA: Well... maybe I seen a pony.
what are you gonna do if I seen a pony?
You gonna come back to my place an' search my room?
HARRY:I... What?
BOUDICA: 'Cause I've had a few stallions in my bedroom, my little tenderoni.
You like curvy women?
HARRY: Th-This-This conversation has taken a turn I was not prepared for.
LAFONDA: Mama, did that man just say he's looking for his magic pony?
HARRY: Yes!
BOUDICA: LaFonda, ain't you got somewhere to be?
Mama looking for her "stallion".
LAFONDA: But, Mama! That monkey's a bat-wizard!
BOUDICA: Well, it sound like he make a lot of money!
HARRY: No, not really.
Where did you see *the magic pony*?
LAFONDA: In your backyard.
She went off with some monkey in clown makeup in a graduation dress.
HARRY: Oh No!
BOUDICA: Um, somebody better explain this magic pony thing to me.
LaFonda, is you buying drugs?
Is this a drug deal right under my nose?
'Cause it sound like Puff the Magic Dragon.
HARRY: I have to go.
[Traffic noise]
DASH: S'ok, I'm just supposed to sing what's written on the screen?
JOKERMORT: Yes dear, it's very fun!
And when you finish the audience will applaud you! [Laughs maniacally]
DASH: Ok, that's cool.
I'm not very fast at reading though,
y'know, I really like to read but all I have are phone books.
JOKERMORT: That's alright sweetheart,
we'll do a duet. Start again and you just follow my lead.
DASH: Ok.
JOKERMORT: Ready?
[Singing] I think that you're rather unique,
perhaps you're something new,
and if you'd like to oblige,
I'd like to get to know you.
DASH: You seem fundamentally fun,
I feel like being your friend.
Let's see the big city sights,
and find how well we blend.
JOKERMORT: I hope you won't mind if I say,
I'm smitten by your smile.
I hope you like all my jokes,
and that you'll stay for a while.
DASH: I'll gab that your humor is grand,
at least what I understand.
It seems your passion rubs off,
it's better than I planned.
JOKERMORT: It's the start of something too great,
it's really much too profound.
I'm glad we ventured a chance,
It's frankly hard to expound.
DASH: Do you think we both have a chance?
Can we even get by?
I know the odds are against.
JOKERMORT: We'll make it if we try!
You've hair soft as feathery down,
wide eyes to look into.
Such trust and vigor for life!
DASH: I am your pony waifu!
JOKERMORT: That makes my poor heart burst with glee!
please promise that it's true!
That you would deign to choose me!
DASH: I am your pony waifu!
JOKERMORT: [Speaking] Dash, I have to admit,
I've never felt this way about another living creature before.
I want you to know that, even though you're a horse,
you fill something inside me that I never realized was missing.
DASH: Wow, that's amazing.
I mean the whole thing,
I've never been out of my house,
and you're like, only the third monkey I've ever talked to.
I just- I don't know, I always feel anxious and unhappy,
but out here in the fresh air I feel like things are pretty neat.
JOKERMORT: Well, I hope you realize it's just the start of an awesome night!
[Singing] Profess to me your foolhardy dreams,
the things you find you're fond of.
Tell me your every wish,
I think that I'm in love.
DASH: You know that I love you too!
You feed me sugar cubes,
can't say what more could I want,
I am your pony waifu!
JOKERMORT: I'll be there for you every night!
DASH: And I will be there too!
You are my very best friend,
and I'm your pony waifu.
JOKERMORT: Dear, you are the light of my life!
DASH: I know that we'll get through!
JOKERMORT: You're everything that I need!
DASH: I am your pony waifu!
JOKERMORT: I predict a future for us.
DASH: We're gonna make it shine!
JOKERMORT: Because I know that I'm yours...
DASH: ...and I know you're mine!
JOKERMORT: [Speaking] I predict big things for us both, Rainbow Dash.
Between you and I, whatever else happens doesn't matter.
We'll have each other.
DASH: That's pretty cool.
I mean, my dad says that all the time,
but coming from someone who's *not* my dad...
...it just makes me feel really special.
[Explosion, fireworks]
JOKERMORT: You know, I've always hated your father.
DASH: I know. My dad sucks.
[Door slams]
[Lights clunk on]
JOKERMORT: Oh.
HARRY: Where have you two been?
JOKERMORT: Oh, you- you see...
...we were here.
HARRY: When I arrived at a kidnapping scene,
I expect to see a victim,
the villain,
and a vat of boiling acid.
But look at this. What is this?
This acid isn't even lukewarm.
It's *room temperature*.
JOKERMORT: Are you sure?
I thought I set the vat to a simmer.
HARRY: you turned it off, and not even so much as a ransom note.
And you young lady, what are you doing dressed like,
like that!
DASH: Why I thought, um...
yeah, w-we got, um...
I had some wheat beer, that was pretty cool.
HARRY: Oh, well that's a relief.
You're not allowed to have *beer*!
DASH: Why?
HARRY: We're going home!
You are a *bad villain*,
you should be *ashamed*.
You are not allowed to kidnap my daughter *again*.
[Magical pop]
What do you mean he's a nice guy?
Are you insane?
DASH: No... I don't know.
But we sang a song together,
and he didn't dissect me or anything!
And I don't see what's so wrong about dating the Jokermort,
because he promised he'd be nice,
and how come I can never leave the house?!
I didn't get dissected all day!
But you said I would get dissected!
HARRY: Oh my god,
I cannot believe what I am hearing!
I am *The Bat Who Lived*
*The* *Bat* *Who* *Lived*.
I know a thing or two about crime,
and the only reason you didn't get dissected...
DASH: My god! I hate it here!
I'm so bored and I don't have any friends,
and all you do is *hug me*,
an-an-and *bathe me*,
and I'm *so lonely*!
and then I meet someone else, and you...
HARRY: Dash, you listen to me! I am *your father*!
DASH: You're not my real dad!
YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD!
I'm a rebel!
I-I don't even need a dad!
I never want to speak to you again!
HARRY: [Sighs]
DASH: [Sobbing] ...a-and then he said I can't see him anymore!
Can you believe that?
LAFONDA: Sure can't.
DASH: I know, right?!
LAFONDA: So, what's so great about this new man o'yours anyway?
DASH: [Sniffs] Oh, w-well, he likes to laugh a lot,
a-and and, and he's a total rebel,
so he doesn't play by the rules,
a-and, um, he's really different than everyone else,
so we have a lot in common.
LAFONDA: Well, he sure sounds great.
DASH: I know,
[sniffs] um,
but I-I was just wondering actually, um,
is it, is it normal for a boyfriend to kill other monkeys?
LAFONDA: Oh, pfft,
that's just what men do, girl.
They always killin' folks that be disrespecting them.
I told you about my man David, right?
DASH: Yeah.
LAFONDA: So he killed some fool last week for making fun of the rims on his car.
They're all like: "oh hey, nice rim job!"
And David shot him.
DASH: Wow.
LAFONDA: Or at least, that's what he said he did anyway.
DASH: Ok, phew.
See I was really worried it wasn't normal,
but I wasn't gonna say anything 'cause I didn't know for sure.
So I guess if other boyfriends do it then it's okay,
and I won't bother him about it.
I feel so much better knowing that.
[Doorbell chimes]
HARRY: You!
JOKERMORT: No, no! Don't get angry!
I'm here to make amends.
HARRY: I think you've done enough!
Not only did you involve Dash in a horrible crime spree across the city,
but now she's under the insane assumption
that the government doesn't *want* to cut her into pieces!
JOKERMORT: Ok, now, just hear me out.
What if they don't?
What if all this isolation from society,
and keeping her entirely to yourself was unnecessary?
HARRY: Are you implying she'd be better off with researchers?
JOKERMORT: Maybe just someone who knows about horses.
Or someone with money.
Or even someone not traumatized by the neurosis by the death of his parents.
HARRY: I'm the *Bat Who Lived*.
DASH: The Jokermort?
Dad, you *cannot* drive him away!
Can't you see that I'm in love!
JOKERMORT: Oh Dash! Love is why I came here!
You see I've just built a time activated device!
Very soon now it'll turn the entire world into ponies!
Finally making you normal and allowing us to live together!
DASH: Oh my gosh! Seriously?!
That's so romantic!
HARRY: What?
BOUDICA: Excuse me, but the door was open,
so I figured that y'all must be home or robbed.
Y'all got a second?
HARRY: Kinda busy here.
JOKERMORT: Yes!
Can't you see we're discussing true love?
BOUDICA: Oh...
So there *was* a magical pony.
DASH: Hello.
BOUDICA: Well I'll be a monkey's mama.
Hey, LaFonda!
LAFONDA: What mama?
BOUDICA: How come you didn't tell me you weren't crazy, or buying drugs?
LAFONDA: I try and tell you mama, but you ain't listen!
BOUDICA: Well I guess I owe y'all an apology.
Here... I baked y'all a pie!
[Magical pop]
Oh dear baby Jesus!
Now there's more of 'em!
You got magic ponies just coming out the yin-yang!
Is that like a bill you gotta pay for the city?
Or is that like a leak or somethin'?
APPLEJACK: Y'see? I told ya!
It took five minutes for you to figure out
we could track down one element of harmony with the other five,
but it took two weeks to convince you
that Fluttershy was the element of kindness!
TWILIGHT: Yeah, well,
what's kind about her?
FLUTTERSHY: Well I'm not really much of anything noteworthy,
but I take care of a lot of animals and I guess...
TWILIGHT: It was rhetorical!
DASH: Oh my gosh!
I always knew I was a princess from another dimension,
and one day my knights would find me!
PINKIE: [Laughs hysterically]
TWILIGHT: What?
RARITY: You got faaaat.
What have you been eating, oatmeal?
PINKIE: [Laughs] Look with your tiny brains!
She has lost her memories! Yes.
APPLEJACK: Again?!
TWILIGHT: [Sighs] Dash, do you know who we are?
DASH: No.
[Ponies groan]
RARITY: This is like the seventh time!
The *seventh time*!
TWILIGHT: Ok, I don't even care.
Let's just go home.
HARRY: No, no!
You can't take Dash away from me!
I need, I-I mean, she needs me!
She'll be all alone!
BOUDICA: No baby, you ain't gonna be alone.
Boudica gonna be *right here* for ya.
HARRY: B-B-Boudica?!
BOUDICA: That's right baby,
you just come to me,
and I'll make all your problems *go away*.
HARRY: I-I don't have any money...
BOUDICA: Uh, wha-! You think I'm some kind of prostitute or something?!
It's okay.
*You* gonna make some money.
It's alright.
You ponies, uh, just take your little friend and go ahead.
I'll take care of my little tenderoni here.
RARITY: Gross...
TWILIGHT: We didn't need your permission,
but thank you.
[Magical zap]
Come on Rainbow Dash.
[Magical wooshing]
[Ticking]
[Timer dings]
[Distant explosion, wooshing]
[Magical zap, warning siren sounds]
[Crash]
NARRATOR: So Rainbow Dash went home,
leaving behind her adoptive friends and family
without really a word of exposition or logical explanation,
which is probably for the best,
because she never really did totally understand what the other ponies were talking about,
but Twilight said "lesson learned",
so it probably won't happen again.
The Jokermort, though at first not sure what to do without any thumbs,
eventually adapted and used his magic powers and mad genius
to build an army of lifelike RoboDash girlfriend servants,
although later on he tragically died of heavy-metal poisoning.
Under the *very* strict supervision of Ms. Boudica,
my adoptive dad Harry eventually came to terms with the fact
that it wasn't really organized crime that killed his parents.
It was actually a girl monkey who was really sick,
and Harry's dad spent the night with her,
and then he got really sick,
and he didn't want to tell anyone though,
because he thought he would get in trouble for some reason,
and so he came home,
and then Harry's mom got really sick too.
But for some reason Harry didn't get sick...
But anyway though,
from then forward Harry became a guidance counselor,
and he travelled around the inner city
giving lectures on the importance of disease awareness and stuff to kids.
LaFonda got accepted into banana college on a banana scholarship,
where she got a banana degree in dentistry.
She developed a special device for brushing teeth
without the aid of hands,
thanks in part to the insight of Dash complaining for hours about it,
and she made millions in banana dollars.
And finally, Rainbow Dash, best pony in two-dimensions now,
did her best to lose all that weight
and earn her cutie mark back in her home world.
And while she did eventually find out that the thing she was best at was racing,
Dash never did figure out good dieting,
so she was pretty much ruined for life because she could never get light enough to fly,
and she hated healthy pony food anyway.
So, yeah...
all that bad parenting did not really do Dash a whole lot of favours.
Still, Dash totally made, like, a zillion pony friends,
which is pretty much infinity better than one friend
who isn't even the same species,
and otherwise she did ok, so...
The End!
DASH: Oh my gosh, I am *so fat*.
I'm like one of those rappers girlfriends or something.
JOKERMORT: Aw, Rainbow Dash, don't worry about it!
You're a bit extra chubby.
You're beautiful girl, and just to let you know...
[SInging] I like big butts and I cannot lie!
You other ponies can't deny!
That when a mare walks in with an itty-bitty waist,
and a round thing in your face,
You get sprung!
DASH: You see, this is why you're my boyfriend.
[Low boom]
[Reel whirs]
[Engine starts, tires squeal]