WEBVTT
Kind: captions
Language: en

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- I often mute people while they talk

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so I can either swear at you or eat food.

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- I've gotten so good at
speaking with confidence

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that I don't know if any of
this information is true.

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- The more upset you get,
the funnier it is to me.

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- I love it when you ask for a manager

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because then I don't have
to talk to you anymore.

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- I can't find that information for you

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because I'm too busy looking
for other jobs on my computer.

00:00:30.071 --> 00:00:31.671
- I take bathroom breaks often

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so I can get a moment of peace.

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- I love it when you
insult me over something

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that's your fault,

00:00:37.153 --> 00:00:38.733
because when you realize it's your fault

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that moment of satisfaction
is the best thing ever.

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- My college degree is gathering dust

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because this is the only
job I can get right now.

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- Sometimes calls come in so quickly

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that I have to put you on hold

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so I can finish telling my
friend a story I started.

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Okay, so anyway Jessica
might have been around,

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and I don't know what they were doing.

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I know right.

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- I wish quality
assurance wasn't listening

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so I could tell you how I really feel.

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- There's a reason I
work in a call center,

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It's 'cause you don't wanna see

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the expression on my face when

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I'm on the phone with you.

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- This isn't my real voice.

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I'm making myself sound much more pleasant

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that I really am.

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- Outbound calls give me so much anxiety,

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I truly hope it goes to voicemail.

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- The nicer you are, the
more I'll try to help you.

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- If you're a dick I'm gonna try

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and get you off the phone
as quickly as possible

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so I can stalk you on Facebook

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and make fun of you with my co-workers.

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- If you're the worst person in the world,

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I will take your email address

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and sign you up for weird email lists.

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Like for foot fetishes.

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- Or furies.

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- Or for erectile dysfunction.