WEBVTT
Kind: captions
Language: en

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- Hi, I'm Hannah,

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your friendly neighborhood wine mom

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and if you're anything like me,

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you believe that a glass of wine at 8 PM

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makes you a better mom.

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So pour yourself a glass
and let's talk about stuff.

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Tonight we're drinking

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some really fancy rosé, because why not?

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Wine not.

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Here's why I'm drinking tonight,

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my youngest son just started daycare.

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And it's about a 45 minute drive

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so he doesn't like anything
about this new situation.

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He screams the entire way to daycare

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(screaming)

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and the entire way back.

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(screaming)

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So I'm sitting in an hour and a half's

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worth of screaming every day.

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So cheers.

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So tonight's topic, Are
You Ready to Have Kids?

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No.

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So there's obviously the standard,

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like, oh are you financially stable?

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Are you emotionally stable?

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Probably not.

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That's not what we're
going to go into tonight

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because, yeah that's important,

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But there are some other

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unspoken things that
nobody really talks about

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that you gotta know.

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So first,

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have you ever killed a cactus?

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Because cacti are very hard to kill,

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they only need to be
watered like once month.

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So if you have managed to kill one,

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you probably shouldn't have kids.

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But I have actually killed several cacti

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so I don't know if that's bad.

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Next, have you ever fallen
asleep while driving

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and not gotten into an accident?

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'Cause raising kids is just as dangerous

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and you're expected to do it

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while constantly exhausted.

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There is a very special type of tired

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that you get to experience
once you've had kids.

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I have done the weirdest shit

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from lack of sleep.

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Like I'll go outside

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and see that I've given our dog a bottle.

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I've given her a bottle,

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I've given my kid dog food,

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no I have not given my kids dog food.

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Maybe they've eaten it a couple times.

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It's fine.

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This rosé is kinda strong.

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Can wines be stronger than others?

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Next, how strong are
the soles of your feet?

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'Cause you're about to be
walking on Legos everyday.

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When my husband and I first got married

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he was very adamant about

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there are not going to be any kid toys

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anywhere but their rooms.

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And I was like, yeah, okay, sure buddy.

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Hey, hey,

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hey,

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hey.

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Everywhere.

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Hey.

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This is my living room right here.

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This shit.

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Next,

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do you like to schedule your own day?

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'Cause once you have kids,

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your day is going to revolve around naps.

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If your child skips a nap,
they are no longer a child.

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They're suddenly a little gremlin

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and the more time that progresses,

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the more gremlin they become.

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So my four year old is at this stage

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where he thinks he
doesn't need naps anymore.

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After the time that he's missed it,

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it's always like 5 PM,

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he just melts into this puddle of screech.

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(screeches)

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When my kids skip their naps,

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it is 6 PM mandatory bed time.

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Like no questions,

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you get in bed and count some sheep

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even if you don't know how to count.

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Neither of my kids knows how to count

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but figure it out.

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Hold on.

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Hold on.

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Next, you're going to the bathroom,

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and your sunglasses
accidentally fall in the toilet

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do you pick them up?

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'Cause if you do, you're
probably ready for kids.

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Like this morning,

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my one and a half year old woke up.

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I like pick him up

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and I feel something kinda wet,

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so I lay him down and I pull my arm up

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and my arm was just like

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brown.

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It's shit.

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It has leaked out the back of his diaper

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all onto his back

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and so when I picked him up,

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I just like squished it all over my arm.

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I don't even blink,

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I just take some wipes, wipe it off,

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get some sanitizer,

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rub it on, wash it off with soap.

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No harm, no foul.

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Just got shit all over my arm, who cares?

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I'm really enjoying this enamel glass

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because it doesn't show how much

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is being drank.

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You don't know if my glass is full,

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you don't know if it's empty.

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I could've only had
like two sips this time.

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So, how did you do?

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I hope you were keeping score.

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If you weren't keeping score,

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why the fuck are you watching this?

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You shouldn't say the F word.

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So how did you do?

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'Cause if you scored two out of three,

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two out of 10.

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How many things did I even say?

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It doesn't even matter what your score is

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because to be honest,

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you could be all ready on paper,

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nothing is gonna prepare you
for actually having kids.

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I read probably seven parenting books.

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Yeah, it's great,

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you need to cut your kid's grapes in half,

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that doesn't teach you how to deal with

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a certain child's temper tantrum.

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One of my son's likes to
be patted on the back.

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The other one likes to be held and rocked

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very very close, there's
no book on parenting

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that's gonna teach you
how to parent your child.

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So fuck books,

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don't read.

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So that's it for now.

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I'm Hannah, your friendly
neighborhood wine mom

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and if there's anything
you want me to talk about,

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leave it in the comments

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because I read them

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and I love to talk about what
you guys are interested in.

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And to all you people
about to comment saying,

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oh, this is why I never want kids,

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you will have kids.

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I was one of those people

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and now I have two.

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So until next time,

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go make some babies.

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Goodnight.

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(burp)

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Gave you a burp, that's what I gave you.