WEBVTT Kind: captions Language: en 00:00:00.075 --> 00:00:01.195 - You're a fucking psychopath. 00:00:01.195 --> 00:00:02.227 - Well, you're crazy! 00:00:02.227 --> 00:00:03.813 - So my (mumbles) one person... 00:00:03.813 --> 00:00:06.001 - He has all these things he wants to say, 00:00:06.001 --> 00:00:07.573 one person at a time... 00:00:07.573 --> 00:00:10.408 (suspenseful tremolo orchestral strings) 00:00:15.125 --> 00:00:16.258 - Cats and dogs. 00:00:16.258 --> 00:00:17.305 I mean this is it. 00:00:17.305 --> 00:00:19.937 This is the conversation we need to have. 00:00:19.937 --> 00:00:21.727 How we've not had this conversation? 00:00:21.727 --> 00:00:23.052 Let's have it! 00:00:23.902 --> 00:00:26.892 (Triumphant horns and orchestral music) 00:00:28.273 --> 00:00:29.631 - I align with kitty cats. 00:00:29.631 --> 00:00:31.743 - And I align with doggy dogs. 00:00:31.963 --> 00:00:33.689 - I am 100% for dogs. 00:00:33.689 --> 00:00:35.830 - 110% for cats. 00:00:35.830 --> 00:00:37.235 - My allegiance is with dogs. 00:00:37.235 --> 00:00:39.011 - My allegiance is to cats. 00:00:39.011 --> 00:00:41.310 - Team cat because fucking duh. 00:00:41.310 --> 00:00:42.552 - Team dog because... 00:00:42.552 --> 00:00:43.934 I don't even have to argue about this. 00:00:43.934 --> 00:00:45.138 We have enough to win the debate. 00:00:48.848 --> 00:00:49.834 - Where do I even begin? 00:00:49.834 --> 00:00:50.794 Dogs are... 00:00:50.794 --> 00:00:52.511 - Man's best friend. 00:00:52.511 --> 00:00:55.488 Loyalty, humor, utility. 00:00:55.488 --> 00:00:58.031 - They also have these multitude of ways 00:00:58.031 --> 00:00:59.917 that they can serve us and enrich our lives. 00:00:59.917 --> 00:01:01.845 - Cats don't sniff out bombs. 00:01:01.845 --> 00:01:03.921 Cats aren't first responders to 9-11. 00:01:03.921 --> 00:01:05.121 Cats aren't guide dogs... 00:01:05.121 --> 00:01:06.061 - You're going to bring in 9-11? 00:01:06.061 --> 00:01:07.861 - Blind people use dogs to see. 00:01:07.861 --> 00:01:08.459 - Well... 00:01:08.459 --> 00:01:09.620 - Old people can use dogs... 00:01:09.620 --> 00:01:10.676 - They don't see... 00:01:10.676 --> 00:01:11.733 - Service dogs are a thing. 00:01:11.733 --> 00:01:12.881 I've never heard of a service cat 00:01:12.881 --> 00:01:15.282 and if I did, that person is a dumb ass. 00:01:15.282 --> 00:01:16.434 - I had a burglar once in my house. 00:01:16.434 --> 00:01:18.479 My dog barked the shit out of it. 00:01:18.479 --> 00:01:20.845 - A cat will just let a stranger come in 00:01:20.845 --> 00:01:22.282 and just take your shit. 00:01:22.282 --> 00:01:24.381 - You know what else is like a great utility? 00:01:24.381 --> 00:01:25.787 - Is like a car. 00:01:25.787 --> 00:01:28.331 A car can like drive you from place to place. 00:01:28.331 --> 00:01:29.566 It could be your shelter, 00:01:29.566 --> 00:01:31.286 if you go through like a rough patch 00:01:31.286 --> 00:01:33.106 and like your girlfriend kicks you out 00:01:33.106 --> 00:01:35.078 and you sort of like need some place to live by the beach. 00:01:35.078 --> 00:01:36.053 - I hope Henry's okay. 00:01:36.053 --> 00:01:36.912 (laughter) 00:01:36.912 --> 00:01:38.410 - I've never been to somebody's house and heard 00:01:38.410 --> 00:01:40.035 "check out these tricks my cats can do." 00:01:40.035 --> 00:01:42.409 I've heard "my cat's around here, somewhere. 00:01:42.409 --> 00:01:44.644 "It's around here...It's around here somewhere 00:01:44.644 --> 00:01:46.293 "You'll see her. She'll make you sneeze." 00:01:46.293 --> 00:01:48.313 - When you are a dog owner, compared to a cat owner, 00:01:48.313 --> 00:01:50.959 you're automatically sort of endorses 00:01:50.959 --> 00:01:52.492 as a more active lifestyle. 00:01:52.492 --> 00:01:53.455 - How do you play with cats? 00:01:53.455 --> 00:01:54.953 You just sit on the ground. 00:01:54.953 --> 00:01:56.590 The cat leaves for awhile. 00:01:56.590 --> 00:01:58.391 - Yeah, you're having social experiences, 00:01:58.391 --> 00:02:00.990 but it's only for like a couple moments at a time. 00:02:00.990 --> 00:02:03.288 The rest of the time, you're either dragging it around, 00:02:03.288 --> 00:02:04.612 or picking up it's shit. 00:02:04.612 --> 00:02:06.875 - I will admit, like there's something gross about like, 00:02:06.875 --> 00:02:08.036 having to take a dog out, 00:02:08.036 --> 00:02:09.511 and like looking at it's butt hole. 00:02:09.511 --> 00:02:10.451 But at the same time... 00:02:10.451 --> 00:02:12.656 - (laughs) Why are you looking at its butt hole? 00:02:12.656 --> 00:02:13.838 - It's right there! 00:02:13.838 --> 00:02:15.187 - Neither of my dogs ever shit in the house. 00:02:15.187 --> 00:02:17.416 - I know for a fact your dogs have pooped in the house. 00:02:17.416 --> 00:02:18.066 - My dogs... 00:02:18.066 --> 00:02:18.855 Only when they're sick. 00:02:18.855 --> 00:02:20.515 - They fucking are loyal 00:02:20.515 --> 00:02:21.793 and they look at me and say 00:02:21.793 --> 00:02:23.674 "Jen's great. Jen's really dope." 00:02:23.674 --> 00:02:25.450 - If you want somebody who loves you 00:02:25.450 --> 00:02:27.412 and will take care of you, will protect you, 00:02:27.412 --> 00:02:29.922 and be there when you have a child, 00:02:29.922 --> 00:02:31.672 to raise it and be part of the family... 00:02:31.672 --> 00:02:33.425 - Hold on. Hold on. 00:02:33.425 --> 00:02:34.720 (laughter) 00:02:36.842 --> 00:02:40.242 - A cat can live for days without any human interaction. 00:02:40.242 --> 00:02:41.416 It's incredible. 00:02:41.416 --> 00:02:43.769 - It's just like an awesome accessory to your life. 00:02:43.769 --> 00:02:45.928 - You don't get any of the benefits of actually learning 00:02:45.928 --> 00:02:47.173 how to take care of something. 00:02:47.173 --> 00:02:48.627 - Yeah, that sounds pretty cool. 00:02:48.627 --> 00:02:49.712 - You can't just like leave them; 00:02:49.712 --> 00:02:52.407 Leave a bowl for your dog if you're just gonna go out 00:02:52.407 --> 00:02:54.890 and like have a vision quest in Joshua Tree. 00:02:54.890 --> 00:02:57.084 I'm not saying like we endorse peyote here, 00:02:57.084 --> 00:02:59.151 but cats are the more peyote friendly. 00:02:59.151 --> 00:03:01.705 - Have you ever just started petting a dog? 00:03:01.705 --> 00:03:03.283 - They're like the needy friend 00:03:03.283 --> 00:03:04.873 who just wants constant reassurance. 00:03:04.873 --> 00:03:06.232 "Am I pretty? Am I pretty? Am I pretty?" 00:03:06.232 --> 00:03:07.428 Yes dog. You're pretty. 00:03:07.428 --> 00:03:09.007 - You continue petting it, 00:03:09.007 --> 00:03:10.585 and then it's like 00:03:10.585 --> 00:03:12.826 "Do I just do this forever?" 00:03:12.826 --> 00:03:14.324 When do you want me to stop? 00:03:14.324 --> 00:03:15.289 Have you had enough? 00:03:15.289 --> 00:03:16.367 And it's just like looking up at you. 00:03:16.367 --> 00:03:18.131 - Cats are soft and they cuddle, 00:03:18.131 --> 00:03:20.569 and they make this (purrs). 00:03:21.139 --> 00:03:22.211 - Cats are brought to hospitals 00:03:22.211 --> 00:03:23.228 because they have healing powers. 00:03:23.228 --> 00:03:24.191 They're given to patients 00:03:24.191 --> 00:03:25.307 and the purring helps people. 00:03:25.307 --> 00:03:26.807 - (Purring) 00:03:26.807 --> 00:03:28.509 - I thought there were cats that were in hospitals 00:03:28.509 --> 00:03:29.605 that like actually hovered around people 00:03:29.605 --> 00:03:30.481 that are about to die. 00:03:30.481 --> 00:03:31.460 - Yeah, that too. It's pretty cool. 00:03:31.481 --> 00:03:32.157 - (Purring) 00:03:32.157 --> 00:03:34.230 - Dogs are just like smelly, filthy,.. 00:03:34.230 --> 00:03:34.743 - [Girl] They are not. 00:03:34.743 --> 00:03:35.723 - Shit walkers. 00:03:35.803 --> 00:03:37.259 - Cats, are fucking filthy too, 00:03:37.259 --> 00:03:38.048 because you know what? 00:03:38.048 --> 00:03:39.643 They got their shitty little paws on your table 00:03:39.643 --> 00:03:40.641 by your pad thai. 00:03:40.641 --> 00:03:42.464 - You move a couch and cats like shit themselves. 00:03:42.464 --> 00:03:43.741 - Yeah, you can move a couch around, 00:03:43.741 --> 00:03:44.210 and they're just like 00:03:44.210 --> 00:03:45.527 "Fine. The couch is here now. 00:03:45.527 --> 00:03:46.621 I'm just sitting here, like lick myself. 00:03:46.621 --> 00:03:47.829 You wanna pet me? 00:03:47.829 --> 00:03:48.686 Cool, I'm here. 00:03:48.686 --> 00:03:49.789 If not, fine. I'm out." 00:03:49.789 --> 00:03:51.484 (mumbles) a cuddly belly, sometimes. 00:03:51.484 --> 00:03:53.399 - They don't make "Beware of cat" signs. 00:03:53.399 --> 00:03:55.466 - People don't have traumatic experiences 00:03:55.466 --> 00:03:56.707 by being scratched by a cat. 00:03:56.707 --> 00:03:57.486 - No! 00:03:57.486 --> 00:03:58.096 That shit draws blood. 00:03:58.096 --> 00:03:59.645 - It's never like trying to... 00:03:59.645 --> 00:04:01.609 - It draws a lot of fucking blood, okay? 00:04:01.609 --> 00:04:03.720 I handle cats with two sweaters on 00:04:03.720 --> 00:04:04.789 and a pair of fucking mittens. 00:04:04.789 --> 00:04:05.601 I don't play. 00:04:05.601 --> 00:04:07.179 - Ancient Egyptians worshiped cats as gods. 00:04:07.179 --> 00:04:08.480 They also kept Jews as slaves. 00:04:08.480 --> 00:04:10.540 We're going to call that an even point. 00:04:10.540 --> 00:04:12.543 - Dogs, most of them have been bred 00:04:12.543 --> 00:04:14.945 to not be good at living any more. 00:04:14.945 --> 00:04:18.695 Bulldogs, those things like are hardly functioning. 00:04:18.705 --> 00:04:19.945 - That is bullshit! 00:04:19.945 --> 00:04:20.878 A bulldog is... 00:04:20.878 --> 00:04:22.584 - Bulldog shit. 00:04:22.584 --> 00:04:24.221 - I just don't really understand what about cats 00:04:24.221 --> 00:04:25.197 makes it more sophisticated. 00:04:25.197 --> 00:04:26.705 Do you find a lot of rich people with cats? 00:04:26.705 --> 00:04:27.658 Like I don't... 00:04:27.658 --> 00:04:28.923 - The Westminster Dog Show, 00:04:28.923 --> 00:04:31.102 is like the bougiest thing 00:04:31.102 --> 00:04:32.766 in the history of bougie things. 00:04:32.766 --> 00:04:35.744 - I mean I will concede to the Westminster Dog Show 00:04:35.744 --> 00:04:36.584 is like absolutely insane. 00:04:36.584 --> 00:04:37.304 - Yeah... 00:04:37.304 --> 00:04:39.730 - There's like the section when they coddle the dog's balls, 00:04:39.730 --> 00:04:40.578 and the guy's like "Um, firm." 00:04:40.578 --> 00:04:41.904 - I never had a litter box 00:04:41.904 --> 00:04:44.543 for one year that I lived in Tennessee, 00:04:44.543 --> 00:04:45.454 and I lived there 17 years. 00:04:45.454 --> 00:04:48.496 - Cool Keith! Cool! Wow! 00:04:48.496 --> 00:04:50.019 - This isn't an argument 00:04:50.019 --> 00:04:52.611 (Yelling) 00:04:52.611 --> 00:04:53.911 - Like I don't own a cat now 00:04:53.911 --> 00:04:55.681 because I'm a chill, independent person, 00:04:55.681 --> 00:04:57.760 just like living my life and ready for adventure. 00:04:57.760 --> 00:04:59.531 (Yelling) 00:05:02.461 --> 00:05:03.738 - Have you ever seen a cat vomit? 00:05:03.738 --> 00:05:05.003 - Cats don't vomit. 00:05:05.003 --> 00:05:06.038 - Yes the fuck they do! 00:05:06.038 --> 00:05:07.140 I have a jiff of it. 00:05:07.140 --> 00:05:09.694 - I go and I like see my old cat Simon, 00:05:09.694 --> 00:05:11.319 who my parents got when I was still in high school. 00:05:11.319 --> 00:05:12.875 Pet his furry little belly, 00:05:12.875 --> 00:05:14.392 which is so soft Jen. 00:05:14.392 --> 00:05:17.287 - 90% of the people who hate cats, are allergic to cats, 00:05:17.287 --> 00:05:18.888 and therefore, just have not hung out with cats. 00:05:18.888 --> 00:05:19.457 You allergic to cats? 00:05:19.457 --> 00:05:20.883 - Mildly allergic. 00:05:20.883 --> 00:05:21.801 - There you fucking go! 00:05:21.801 --> 00:05:22.625 (yelling) 00:05:22.625 --> 00:05:24.429 - (mumbles) I got my notebook... 00:05:24.429 --> 00:05:25.958 I look up things, because I don't have my own argument! 00:05:25.958 --> 00:05:27.339 - My opponent... 00:05:27.339 --> 00:05:28.808 - My opponent... 00:05:28.814 --> 00:05:30.230 - Okay. All animals vomit. 00:05:30.230 --> 00:05:31.054 - Yes! 00:05:31.054 --> 00:05:32.192 - Dogs vomit more than cats. 00:05:32.192 --> 00:05:34.337 - I highly disagree with that. 00:05:34.337 --> 00:05:37.837 - I drove past a dog vomiting on my way to work today. 00:05:41.047 --> 00:05:43.370 - Ultimately, you're gonna love murderers, 00:05:43.370 --> 00:05:46.165 and I'm gonna love independent little beings, 00:05:46.165 --> 00:05:48.083 that admittedly, don't do a lot. 00:05:48.083 --> 00:05:49.458 But I kinda like that. 00:05:49.458 --> 00:05:52.854 - The lion, the tiger, the snow leopard, 00:05:52.854 --> 00:05:55.350 compare them to the available dogs? 00:05:55.350 --> 00:05:57.598 And it's clear that cats are better than dogs. 00:05:57.598 --> 00:05:58.289 That's it. 00:05:58.289 --> 00:05:59.952 - Man or woman's best friend. 00:05:59.952 --> 00:06:00.893 They got your back. 00:06:00.893 --> 00:06:02.271 - Dogs aren't going to throw you away. 00:06:02.271 --> 00:06:03.396 They're going to look at you, 00:06:03.396 --> 00:06:04.314 they're going to say 00:06:04.314 --> 00:06:06.172 "Hey , I can find something within you that's special 00:06:06.172 --> 00:06:08.495 and worth holding on to, and worth caring about." 00:06:08.495 --> 00:06:10.477 - All I can say is that I think you're projecting 00:06:10.477 --> 00:06:13.009 a little bit (mumbles) 00:06:13.009 --> 00:06:14.423 - (mumbles) at all. 00:06:14.423 --> 00:06:15.888 - I love cats. They love me. 00:06:15.888 --> 00:06:17.304 They're fucking adorable. 00:06:17.304 --> 00:06:20.113 - Dogs are always better. Will always be better. 00:06:20.113 --> 00:06:22.601 - You know who's man's best friend? Man. 00:06:22.601 --> 00:06:24.632 We are a lot better at taking care of ourselves 00:06:24.632 --> 00:06:25.872 and we can have a lot more fun with each other. 00:06:25.872 --> 00:06:29.024 Wasn't too long ago that you and I were friends. 00:06:29.633 --> 00:06:33.064 (Triumphant horns and orchestral music) 00:06:34.289 --> 00:06:35.693 - [Voiceover] You don't have to pick up shit 00:06:35.693 --> 00:06:37.365 and like get your leg fucked 00:06:37.365 --> 00:06:39.188 and whatever else happens with dogs. 00:06:39.188 --> 00:06:40.174 - Why would you get your leg fucked? 00:06:40.174 --> 00:06:40.906 - I don' t know! 00:06:40.906 --> 00:06:42.472 Cause dogs are fucked up! 00:06:42.472 --> 00:06:43.552 (laughter) 00:06:45.682 --> 00:06:47.564 - It's just so sad what's happening over there. 00:06:47.564 --> 00:06:48.544 - Oh yeah. 00:06:51.074 --> 00:06:51.892 Hmmm.... 00:06:51.892 --> 00:06:52.932 You don't know the half of it. 00:06:52.932 --> 00:06:55.740 (bossa nova music playing)