WEBVTT
Kind: captions
Language: en

00:00:02.094 --> 00:00:05.158
- [Voiceover] We have
lost far too many lives

00:00:05.158 --> 00:00:07.591
traveling the path to this day.

00:00:08.409 --> 00:00:11.079
- Since 1937, over 2,000 people

00:00:11.079 --> 00:00:12.914
have died at the Golden Gate Bridge.

00:00:12.914 --> 00:00:15.853
I feel lucky to be alive every single day.

00:00:15.853 --> 00:00:20.762
(ambient orchestral music)

00:00:21.633 --> 00:00:24.760
Of the thousands that have died
off the Golden Gate Bridge,

00:00:25.569 --> 00:00:28.962
I am of the 1% who have survived.

00:00:42.179 --> 00:00:44.106
So I was born on drugs and premature

00:00:44.106 --> 00:00:45.848
and then I bounced
around from home to home.

00:00:45.848 --> 00:00:47.752
Nobody wanted to keep
me because I was sick.

00:00:47.752 --> 00:00:49.191
And I got lucky.

00:00:49.191 --> 00:00:51.413
I landed in the home of
Patrick and Debra Hines.

00:00:51.413 --> 00:00:52.741
I had a great childhood.

00:00:53.605 --> 00:00:57.669
I thought growing up that
everything's gonna be great.

00:00:57.669 --> 00:01:01.355
And then at 17, it all came crashing down.

00:01:02.196 --> 00:01:05.772
If you can imagine feeling
that everyone around you

00:01:05.772 --> 00:01:08.465
is out to get you, trying to hurt you,

00:01:08.465 --> 00:01:10.091
and trying to kill you.

00:01:10.091 --> 00:01:12.858
And you believe that to be the truth.

00:01:14.571 --> 00:01:18.157
From the extreme paranoia, I
exhibited symptoms of mania.

00:01:18.157 --> 00:01:20.363
From the mania came the hallucinations,

00:01:20.363 --> 00:01:21.686
both auditory and visual.

00:01:21.686 --> 00:01:23.474
And so with that and the bipolar disorder,

00:01:23.474 --> 00:01:25.726
I just was spiraling out of control.

00:01:26.876 --> 00:01:29.706
I vividly remember
writing my suicide note.

00:01:29.706 --> 00:01:33.003
People don't get it, like
I thought I was a burden

00:01:33.003 --> 00:01:35.418
to everyone who loved me,
because that's what my brain

00:01:35.418 --> 00:01:38.738
told me, because that's
how powerful your brain is.

00:01:38.738 --> 00:01:40.345
I got off the bus.

00:01:41.511 --> 00:01:45.662
I walked slowly down the walkway
of the Golden Gate Bridge.

00:01:45.672 --> 00:01:49.255
People rode by me, drove
by me, walked by me.

00:01:49.255 --> 00:01:51.228
And a woman approached me and she said,

00:01:51.228 --> 00:01:53.132
"Will you take my picture?"

00:01:53.132 --> 00:01:55.176
She said "thanks" and she walked away.

00:01:55.176 --> 00:01:57.846
It was that moment I just
said, "Nobody cares."

00:01:57.846 --> 00:02:00.411
The reality was that everybody cared.

00:02:01.799 --> 00:02:03.290
I just couldn't see it.

00:02:03.968 --> 00:02:07.266
I ran forward and using my two hands

00:02:07.266 --> 00:02:09.954
I catapulted myself into freefall.

00:02:10.795 --> 00:02:14.649
What I'm about to say
is the exact same thing

00:02:14.649 --> 00:02:19.218
that 19 Golden Gate Bridge
jump survivors have also said.

00:02:19.757 --> 00:02:22.544
The millisecond my hands left the rail,

00:02:22.544 --> 00:02:24.641
it was an instant regret.

00:02:26.398 --> 00:02:28.382
And I remember thinking,
"No one's gonna know

00:02:28.382 --> 00:02:30.890
"that I didn't wanna die."

00:02:31.499 --> 00:02:35.632
In four seconds I fell 75
miles an hour, 25 stories.

00:02:35.632 --> 00:02:37.368
And I hit the water.

00:02:37.376 --> 00:02:40.287
I was in the most physical
pain I had ever experienced,

00:02:40.287 --> 00:02:42.400
I have ever experienced.

00:02:42.400 --> 00:02:44.513
The Coast Guard was amazing.

00:02:44.513 --> 00:02:46.022
He was just so freaked
out that I was alive

00:02:46.022 --> 00:02:48.251
that he just dove in
and brought me on board.

00:02:48.251 --> 00:02:49.528
Guy said, "Do you know how many people

00:02:49.528 --> 00:02:51.804
"we pull out of this water
that are already dead?"

00:02:51.804 --> 00:02:53.731
And I said, "No, and I don't wanna know."

00:02:53.731 --> 00:02:55.728
The guy put his hand on my forehead, said,

00:02:55.728 --> 00:02:57.330
"Kid, you're a miracle."

00:02:57.330 --> 00:02:59.489
My father took one step
into the hospital room

00:02:59.489 --> 00:03:00.743
and I looked up at him and I said,

00:03:00.743 --> 00:03:02.043
"Dad, I'm sorry."

00:03:02.043 --> 00:03:04.046
And he said, "No, Kevin, I'm sorry."

00:03:04.046 --> 00:03:06.354
And if you think about it,
both of our immediate reactions

00:03:06.354 --> 00:03:09.786
were guilt, guilt that didn't
belong to either of us.

00:03:09.786 --> 00:03:11.926
And even though I didn't
die, I caused people

00:03:11.926 --> 00:03:13.436
a great deal of grief and pain.

00:03:13.436 --> 00:03:15.990
Just the day of my attempt still sits

00:03:15.990 --> 00:03:17.476
within them today.

00:03:17.476 --> 00:03:21.214
I asked my father if he still
feared my death by suicide.

00:03:21.214 --> 00:03:23.164
He said every time the phone goes off

00:03:23.164 --> 00:03:25.930
his first inclination, is Kevin alive?

00:03:27.203 --> 00:03:29.041
I had that impact on my dad.

00:03:29.673 --> 00:03:33.063
So after the jump, the road
to recovery was pretty long.

00:03:33.063 --> 00:03:35.687
I had seven psych ward
stays in the next 11 years.

00:03:35.687 --> 00:03:37.730
I still have all the symptoms I ever had:

00:03:37.730 --> 00:03:40.215
mania, depression,
psychosis, hallucinations,

00:03:40.215 --> 00:03:41.392
all that's still there.

00:03:41.392 --> 00:03:42.484
I just know how to cope with it

00:03:42.484 --> 00:03:43.721
and I know how to beat it.

00:03:43.721 --> 00:03:47.389
I built a support network over these years

00:03:47.389 --> 00:03:51.964
of treatment so that I wouldn't
be fighting this alone.

00:03:51.964 --> 00:03:54.169
So, like, it's okay not to be okay.

00:03:54.169 --> 00:03:57.095
It's not okay not to ask
for someone to back you up.

00:03:57.095 --> 00:04:00.926
To the families who live
with the loss or losses

00:04:00.926 --> 00:04:04.455
of loved ones, they
didn't do that to hurt you

00:04:04.455 --> 00:04:05.941
or destroy your life.

00:04:05.941 --> 00:04:08.287
They took their lives
because they were struggling

00:04:08.287 --> 00:04:10.655
and in a great deal of
emotional, mental pain.

00:04:10.655 --> 00:04:14.881
Suicide, mental illness, and
addiction are the only diseases

00:04:14.881 --> 00:04:17.783
that we blame the person for perpetually.

00:04:17.783 --> 00:04:21.861
But people die from
suicide just like they die

00:04:21.861 --> 00:04:25.115
from any other organ diseased.

00:04:26.003 --> 00:04:28.533
Today, no matter the pain I'm
in, no matter the struggles

00:04:28.533 --> 00:04:31.900
I experience, I do believe
that life is the greatest gift

00:04:31.900 --> 00:04:33.293
we've ever been given.

00:04:33.293 --> 00:04:34.710
And if you're suffering mentally,

00:04:34.710 --> 00:04:37.464
don't wait like I did,
sitting in denial for so long.

00:04:38.432 --> 00:04:40.162
Because recovery happens.

00:04:40.162 --> 00:04:41.202
I'm living proof.

00:04:41.202 --> 00:04:46.114
(slow-paced violin music)