WEBVTT
Kind: captions
Language: en

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(ding)

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- Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard.

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My name is Russell and
assisting me today will be

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Xanax and Zoloft.

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I'm here for your safety and
they're here for my comfort.

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(energetic jazz music)

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- I'm doing the safety
demo knowing full well

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you're all ignoring me.

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I might as well be doing the Macarena.

00:00:18.830 --> 00:00:20.432
- There's absolutely no way
that that's going to fit

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in the overhead compartment

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but I'm gonna watch you try anyway.

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- I'm not a bartender.

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So I will not be granting
you a Bloody Mary

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with Worcestershire sauce.

00:00:27.167 --> 00:00:30.523
- Oh, is this your
newborn's first time flying?

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How could you do that to us?

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- There's no turbulence.

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I just turned on the seat belt
sign because I want you to

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stay the hell out of my way.

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- Diet soda takes forever to pour.

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Here's a regular one.

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You won't know the difference.

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- Pressing the call button repeatedly

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isn't going to make me
tend to you any faster.

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In fact, it's gonna make me go slower.

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(pouring)

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- When I said I would check your bag,

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that was a courtesy, but you were rude

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so now it's going to Baltimore.

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- You know that vodka we just ran out of?

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We use it to make crew
juice in the galley.

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- Go ahead, tug my skirt one more time.

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I dare you.

00:01:01.414 --> 00:01:03.329
- I said pretzels or peanuts.

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This isn't an all you
can eat buffet, honey.

00:01:05.127 --> 00:01:07.496
- I have no idea what we're
flying over right now.

00:01:07.496 --> 00:01:09.414
So I'll just say the Bahamas.

00:01:09.414 --> 00:01:11.365
- Since you blatantly
ignored the seat belt sign,

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I hope the turbulence
knocks you on your ass.

00:01:13.574 --> 00:01:15.216
- Oh, you think I'm
coming through the cabin

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to pick up your trash?

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No, I'm crop-dusting.

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Enjoy smelling my farts.

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(energetic jazz music)