(vibrating phone)
- Uh it's the school, but it's not the school nurse.
I don't care.
(upbeat piano music)
- My kid's lunches don't need to be this elaborate,
but I want to post them on Instagram.
- On days my kid has been especially trying,
I've told him it's his bedtime
an hour before it actually is.
- Taking away my child's iPad is punishment,
actually, just punishes me.
- I don't mind going to school events,
but I dread having to make small talk with other parents.
- If you give my kid a loud and annoying present
on his birthday, I'll be sure to return the favor
on your kid's birthday.
- No I don't wanna play Frozen with you.
Not at all.
- Sometimes when Caillou is on the TV,
I can't help but fantasize about throwing him off a cliff.
- When I say I left a gift at home,
what I mean is, I really forgot to get one.
- When I said we couldn't find a babysitter,
what I meant was, I don't wanna go.
- My wife doesn't understand how our kids go through
so many fruit snacks, but what she doesn't know,
is I've got a two pack-a-day habit.
- I told my daughter that that kid from the park moved away,
but I actually just couldn't spend one more play date
with his mom.
- When I put my name down to volunteer,
I'm actually hoping you don't ever call me.
(upbeat piano music)