WEBVTT
Kind: captions
Language: en

00:00:00.048 --> 00:00:01.079
(vibrating phone)

00:00:01.079 --> 00:00:03.942
- Uh it's the school, but
it's not the school nurse.

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I don't care.

00:00:05.325 --> 00:00:08.654
(upbeat piano music)

00:00:10.384 --> 00:00:12.937
- My kid's lunches don't
need to be this elaborate,

00:00:12.937 --> 00:00:14.891
but I want to post them on Instagram.

00:00:14.891 --> 00:00:16.751
- On days my kid has
been especially trying,

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I've told him it's his bedtime

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an hour before it actually is.

00:00:19.483 --> 00:00:22.161
- Taking away my child's
iPad is punishment,

00:00:22.161 --> 00:00:23.963
actually, just punishes me.

00:00:23.963 --> 00:00:25.646
- I don't mind going to school events,

00:00:25.646 --> 00:00:28.771
but I dread having to make
small talk with other parents.

00:00:28.891 --> 00:00:30.848
- If you give my kid a
loud and annoying present

00:00:30.848 --> 00:00:32.950
on his birthday, I'll be
sure to return the favor

00:00:32.950 --> 00:00:34.309
on your kid's birthday.

00:00:34.339 --> 00:00:36.690
- No I don't wanna play Frozen with you.

00:00:37.350 --> 00:00:38.123
Not at all.

00:00:38.423 --> 00:00:40.104
- Sometimes when Caillou is on the TV,

00:00:40.104 --> 00:00:42.930
I can't help but fantasize
about throwing him off a cliff.

00:00:43.140 --> 00:00:45.477
- When I say I left a gift at home,

00:00:45.477 --> 00:00:47.839
what I mean is, I really
forgot to get one.

00:00:47.839 --> 00:00:49.764
- When I said we couldn't
find a babysitter,

00:00:49.764 --> 00:00:51.660
what I meant was, I don't wanna go.

00:00:51.730 --> 00:00:53.486
- My wife doesn't understand
how our kids go through

00:00:53.486 --> 00:00:56.189
so many fruit snacks, but
what she doesn't know,

00:00:56.189 --> 00:00:57.608
is I've got a two pack-a-day habit.

00:00:57.608 --> 00:00:59.708
- I told my daughter that that
kid from the park moved away,

00:00:59.708 --> 00:01:01.856
but I actually just couldn't
spend one more play date

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with his mom.

00:01:03.087 --> 00:01:04.850
- When I put my name down to volunteer,

00:01:04.850 --> 00:01:07.533
I'm actually hoping
you don't ever call me.

00:01:07.533 --> 00:01:11.065
(upbeat piano music)