- And the rabbi got so pissed
that I spoke Swahili from the bimah,
he refused to do my wedding.
(Jewish music)
- Our bar mitzvah is basically like a wedding, except not.
- Right of passage into Jewish adulthood.
And by Jewish adulthood,
I mean absorbing as much humiliation
as you can possibly absorb
in like a three to four hour period.
- A bar mitzvah's like the best party ever,
but it's wasted on 13 year olds.
- You read from the Torah.
You give a speech.
Then there's a big party.
- So that's me.
- Stop it.
- That's my sister--
- Oh--
- And that tall man is Rabbi Gol.
That's the party.
- Holy (bleep).
Everything's gold.
Here, like you're still smiling through the pain.
- So there's me on the chair.
- See, I never got lifted on the chair.
They lifted my parents on the chair,
they lifted my two younger brothers on the chair.
- Wait, wait, at your bar mitzvah?
- At my bar mitzvah,
but they did not raise me.
- You just look like a classic Jewish kid.
- Except two feet smaller,
and very confused.
- My grandmother had passed away,
like a few months before my bat mitzvah,
and my best friend's grandmother
who I'd known my whole life,
she was there, and she was like,
I'm here in her honor.
I'm your surrogate bubbie.
She was 75 at the time.
She made out with my DJ on the dance floor.
(laughs)
- You look like Ron Weasley.
- So here's me in this chicken hat
that I wore like all night.
My dad like kept begging me to take it off,
but it's in like all the pictures.
- So here it is.
Me, and my dad, and my mom, and my two brothers.
- Mm-hmm.
You are looking super 13, right there.
(gasps)
- This is me.
- Oh, my God.
- There's just no way to take a non-awkward photo
at a bar mitzvah.
- I want you to be my son.
- This is like a pre-exposed titty shot.
- Up on that chair, man.
Janet Jackson has nothin' on my mom.
Both ladies.
- (laughing) Oh my God!
- Okay?
Every boy in my seventh grade class.
Sorry mom.
You have a nice rack.
It's fine.
- And afterwards, I asked my mom
if I could just take my best friend on a cruise.
So we went on a cruise with my best friend.
- You had a honeymoon, instead of a bar mitzvah.
I just want to point out that we are
exact opposite bar mitzvah kids.
I only had a bar mitzvah so I could have a party.
I didn't even really believe in Judaism.
- They didn't even have Pinterest back then.
- Oh wow.
- So how are you supposed to plan a freaking party?
- Yeah, what's terrifying to me,
is that I have a 6 year old daughter--
- Oy.
- Which means that I only have 7 years
to save for this (bleep).
- They're expensive.
- Overall, I feel like bar and bat mitzvahs are,
I mean they're a right of passage,
but I feel like at the time, you don't realize that.
- Yeah, I don't know.
I did it for the party, and it was a great party.
And I'd do it again for the party.
(singing in Hebrew)