WEBVTT Kind: captions Language: en 00:00:00.120 --> 00:00:02.349 - And the rabbi got so pissed 00:00:02.349 --> 00:00:04.067 that I spoke Swahili from the bimah, 00:00:04.067 --> 00:00:05.460 he refused to do my wedding. 00:00:05.460 --> 00:00:08.195 (Jewish music) 00:00:17.076 --> 00:00:20.975 - Our bar mitzvah is basically like a wedding, except not. 00:00:20.975 --> 00:00:23.604 - Right of passage into Jewish adulthood. 00:00:23.604 --> 00:00:24.984 And by Jewish adulthood, 00:00:24.984 --> 00:00:27.598 I mean absorbing as much humiliation 00:00:27.598 --> 00:00:29.130 as you can possibly absorb 00:00:29.130 --> 00:00:30.965 in like a three to four hour period. 00:00:30.965 --> 00:00:32.985 - A bar mitzvah's like the best party ever, 00:00:32.985 --> 00:00:34.494 but it's wasted on 13 year olds. 00:00:34.494 --> 00:00:35.353 - You read from the Torah. 00:00:35.353 --> 00:00:36.096 You give a speech. 00:00:36.096 --> 00:00:37.373 Then there's a big party. 00:00:39.383 --> 00:00:40.551 - So that's me. 00:00:40.551 --> 00:00:41.248 - Stop it. 00:00:41.248 --> 00:00:42.177 - That's my sister-- 00:00:42.177 --> 00:00:42.580 - Oh-- 00:00:42.580 --> 00:00:44.151 - And that tall man is Rabbi Gol. 00:00:44.151 --> 00:00:45.335 That's the party. 00:00:45.335 --> 00:00:46.310 - Holy (bleep). 00:00:46.310 --> 00:00:48.268 Everything's gold. 00:00:48.268 --> 00:00:49.979 Here, like you're still smiling through the pain. 00:00:49.979 --> 00:00:51.539 - So there's me on the chair. 00:00:51.539 --> 00:00:53.183 - See, I never got lifted on the chair. 00:00:53.183 --> 00:00:55.280 They lifted my parents on the chair, 00:00:55.280 --> 00:00:56.605 they lifted my two younger brothers on the chair. 00:00:56.605 --> 00:00:57.711 - Wait, wait, at your bar mitzvah? 00:00:57.711 --> 00:00:58.942 - At my bar mitzvah, 00:00:58.942 --> 00:01:00.872 but they did not raise me. 00:01:00.872 --> 00:01:03.051 - You just look like a classic Jewish kid. 00:01:03.051 --> 00:01:04.768 - Except two feet smaller, 00:01:04.768 --> 00:01:05.860 and very confused. 00:01:05.860 --> 00:01:07.090 - My grandmother had passed away, 00:01:07.090 --> 00:01:08.762 like a few months before my bat mitzvah, 00:01:08.762 --> 00:01:09.970 and my best friend's grandmother 00:01:09.970 --> 00:01:11.409 who I'd known my whole life, 00:01:11.409 --> 00:01:12.361 she was there, and she was like, 00:01:12.361 --> 00:01:13.847 I'm here in her honor. 00:01:13.847 --> 00:01:16.118 I'm your surrogate bubbie. 00:01:16.118 --> 00:01:18.222 She was 75 at the time. 00:01:18.222 --> 00:01:20.484 She made out with my DJ on the dance floor. 00:01:20.484 --> 00:01:22.664 (laughs) 00:01:22.664 --> 00:01:24.289 - You look like Ron Weasley. 00:01:24.289 --> 00:01:25.659 - So here's me in this chicken hat 00:01:25.659 --> 00:01:27.145 that I wore like all night. 00:01:27.145 --> 00:01:29.269 My dad like kept begging me to take it off, 00:01:29.269 --> 00:01:30.605 but it's in like all the pictures. 00:01:30.605 --> 00:01:31.905 - So here it is. 00:01:31.905 --> 00:01:34.274 Me, and my dad, and my mom, and my two brothers. 00:01:34.274 --> 00:01:34.808 - Mm-hmm. 00:01:34.808 --> 00:01:36.456 You are looking super 13, right there. 00:01:36.456 --> 00:01:37.222 (gasps) 00:01:37.222 --> 00:01:38.151 - This is me. 00:01:38.151 --> 00:01:40.109 - Oh, my God. 00:01:40.109 --> 00:01:42.493 - There's just no way to take a non-awkward photo 00:01:42.493 --> 00:01:43.352 at a bar mitzvah. 00:01:43.352 --> 00:01:45.576 - I want you to be my son. 00:01:45.576 --> 00:01:47.508 - This is like a pre-exposed titty shot. 00:01:47.508 --> 00:01:49.621 - Up on that chair, man. 00:01:49.621 --> 00:01:51.734 Janet Jackson has nothin' on my mom. 00:01:51.734 --> 00:01:53.398 Both ladies. 00:01:53.398 --> 00:01:54.730 - (laughing) Oh my God! 00:01:54.730 --> 00:01:55.658 - Okay? 00:01:55.658 --> 00:01:58.421 Every boy in my seventh grade class. 00:01:58.421 --> 00:01:59.430 Sorry mom. 00:01:59.430 --> 00:02:00.366 You have a nice rack. 00:02:00.366 --> 00:02:01.208 It's fine. 00:02:02.248 --> 00:02:03.947 - And afterwards, I asked my mom 00:02:03.947 --> 00:02:06.246 if I could just take my best friend on a cruise. 00:02:06.246 --> 00:02:08.173 So we went on a cruise with my best friend. 00:02:08.173 --> 00:02:10.459 - You had a honeymoon, instead of a bar mitzvah. 00:02:10.459 --> 00:02:11.842 I just want to point out that we are 00:02:11.842 --> 00:02:13.560 exact opposite bar mitzvah kids. 00:02:13.560 --> 00:02:16.044 I only had a bar mitzvah so I could have a party. 00:02:16.044 --> 00:02:17.646 I didn't even really believe in Judaism. 00:02:17.646 --> 00:02:19.292 - They didn't even have Pinterest back then. 00:02:19.292 --> 00:02:19.792 - Oh wow. 00:02:19.792 --> 00:02:21.896 - So how are you supposed to plan a freaking party? 00:02:21.896 --> 00:02:23.033 - Yeah, what's terrifying to me, 00:02:23.033 --> 00:02:24.466 is that I have a 6 year old daughter-- 00:02:24.466 --> 00:02:24.852 - Oy. 00:02:24.852 --> 00:02:26.307 - Which means that I only have 7 years 00:02:26.307 --> 00:02:27.505 to save for this (bleep). 00:02:27.505 --> 00:02:28.277 - They're expensive. 00:02:28.277 --> 00:02:30.788 - Overall, I feel like bar and bat mitzvahs are, 00:02:30.788 --> 00:02:31.996 I mean they're a right of passage, 00:02:31.996 --> 00:02:34.410 but I feel like at the time, you don't realize that. 00:02:34.410 --> 00:02:35.084 - Yeah, I don't know. 00:02:35.084 --> 00:02:37.615 I did it for the party, and it was a great party. 00:02:37.615 --> 00:02:39.287 And I'd do it again for the party. 00:02:39.287 --> 00:02:41.255 (singing in Hebrew)