- You've seen the mustard that looks
like lots of little pebbles, sort of?
- No! - We had it at lunch today.
It was literally at lunch today, Kelsey!
- I had ketchup, obviously!
- Sweet. Comforting. Reliable.
Complex. Varied. Challenging.
Can you love 'em both?
Of course you can.
But maybe one's better than the other?
Ketchup versus mustard.
It's debatable.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- I am 100% Team Ketchup.
- Team Mustard.
- Ketchup.
- I am for mustard.
- My allegiance lies with ketchup.
Hi, I'm Keith, and I'm not an idiot.
(dramatic music)
- You grow up with ketchup.
You don't really grow up with mustard.
Mustard is kind of more of an acquired taste than ketchup.
- Yeah, all the best tastes are acquired tastes.
- This is from food historian Andrew F. Smith:
"Ketchup is a perfect balance of the five
"fundamental tastes: salty, sweet, sour,
"bitter, and umami."
You're probably... - What does umami mean?
- Umami? I'm not sure.
It's a food science word.
- You can put it on anything.
- All kinds of savory things.
- What can you put mustard on?
One thing: hot dog!
- First of all, you can't put ketchup on everything.
You don't put ketchup in cereal.
Let's just be clear.
Mustard goes on sandwiches.
It goes on pastrami.
It goes on tons of stuff.
- Kids love ketchup.
- Here's why ketchup is for children:
It helps children eat foods that they don't like.
It's just there to cover up flavors
that they haven't acquired yet.
- Without this, I wouldn't have made
movies in my backyard when I was 12,
where people died.
- Ketchup looks like blood.
Mustard looks like pus.
I have a video that's got - It looks like pus?
- over three million views on YouTube
in which I use mustard to make pus for a pimple.
- I am very surprised you had a counter argument for that.
- I know what ketchup is!
It's a tomato.
Da fuq is mustard?
What is a mustard?
- (laughing) It's a seed!
(dramatic music)
- Ketchup is not a category of food.
Ketchup is just one sad thing
that's consumed by sad people.
- Who's eaten more of their condiment during this battle?
I've eaten way more mustard than Chris
has eaten ketchup, because I love mustard,
(laughing) and he hates ketchup.
- Mmm! Umami.
I taste the umami.
- Now I know your entire character
here at Buzzfeed is the girl who indulges
in things that's bad for them,
and I don't give a shit.
It's sort of run its course, I think by now,
and ketchup is for children.
It's what you give children because
it's sugar, salt, and tomato.
- Delicious things.
- It's an ancient condiment.
- Mustard can be traced back to
Ancient Greece, to France.
- I think the Romans invented it.
- Are you sure about that?
- I'm pretty sure.
- They also ate so much that they would
throw up, and then eat again, so...
- That's actually a misconception.
It's not true.
- Are you sure about that?
- Yeah, I made a video about it.
- Oh my god.
- You know what's not on a charcuterie tray?
Fucking ketchup, because ketchup
is worthless, and not worth your
expensive ingredients to dip into.
- Ugh, this sounds like...
what's that thing where you're racist
towards class?
- Classist.
- That sounds like what mustard is.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- Andy Warhol once said, "All Cokes
"are the same, and all Cokes are good."
And that's kinda how I feel about ketchup.
Yeah, it's all the same. - He wasn't talking
about ketchup, he was talking about Coke!
- If you want to grow up, and enjoy actual flavor,
there's a yellow seed out there for you.
- Ketchup is a nostalgic food.
It's from when you were a kid.
So it gives you nice, warm feelings
about being a child.
- So, like, boogers and worms.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- Ketchup is everything.
We are all ketchup.
Somebody in the comments tell me
what umami is.
- It's here! It's here.
- (speaking together) It's here!
- It's here, it's here, it's here.
- It's here. - It's here.
- Get it.
- There,
(laughing)
- I think they got it.
Get it!
- Yeah. - You get it.
- It's here.