(helicopter blades whirring)
- Come on, move it!
You call yourself a lesbian?
Faster, faster than your last relationship!
Congratulations on finally coming out.
Now it's time for the real work to begin.
Some of you have been dreaming
about this moment since you were little,
some of you have recently discovered
that this is your calling.
I see we have a gold star in the bunch.
Recruit.
- Ma'am, yes ma'am.
- Show me your hand.
- Disgusting!
Ellen did not come out on national television
for you to Edward Scissorhands an innocent vagina!
I bet none of you even have U-Haul on speed dial.
- [all] Ma'am, no ma'am.
- This is worse than I thought.
(intense music)
The ladies will thank you later for this.
- (grunts) I haven't sweat this much since
the last Tegan and Sara concert.
(licking)
- Don't question it, ladies,
you'll be thanking me for this later.
Keep the eye contact, keep it!
- I can't, I can't do it.
- It is 9:00 PM on a Saturday in West Hollywood.
You have a date tonight.
You want to make a good first impression.
What do you wear?
(alarm blares)
(whip cracks)
- [Drill seargeant] Okay, love that shade.
I expected more from you, Gold Star.
(intense action music)
- (bleep)-ing bush.
- Alright, ladies, this man is trying to hit on you.
What do you do?
- Eh, I bet you just haven't had the right dick yet.
(thudding, grunts)
You're too hot to be gay, wanna come back to my place?
- Just like vag-etarian!
- My girlfriend and me are looking for a third--
(thudding) (cheering)
- Alright, ladies, you've still got a lot to learn,
but I think you've about covered the basics.
You deserve this.
(clinking)
- Ugh, it's so bitter.
- [Seargeant] You'll get used to it.
(intense, upbeat music)