WEBVTT
Kind: captions
Language: en

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- [Voiceover] I always imagined
the story of my first love

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would be a magical one,
not a cautionary tale.

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(ambient music)

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I had just started college in Chicago.

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I was so fun and carefree and feisty.

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I felt like I was invincible and ready

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to take over the world.

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I was fearless, and then I met him.

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He was so handsome and charming.

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Our first date was a walk in the park.

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I remember he pointed
out that I had a burr

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in my nose and I was super embarrassed.

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He asked me to be his
girlfriend a few months later,

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and of course I said yes, and
that's when things changed.

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I slowly stopped hanging
out with my friends.

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It was always just me and him.

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It went as far as him creating a rift

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and ruining the trust
between my best friend and I.

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Me and her didn't speak
for almost two years.

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He would get upset at me and he would

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break my cell phone so I
couldn't talk to anyone.

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He was convinced that
I was cheating on him.

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He would get upset at me for
saying hi to my guy friends

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on the street, but that should
have been a sign right there.

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He was emotionally abusive and he made me

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feel like every decision I made was wrong.

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I felt that nothing I
did could make him happy.

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The first time he hit me, I was convinced

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that it was my fault and that
my attitude made him upset,

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and maybe if I didn't talk back,

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things would get better between us.

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The moment I knew that I had
to get out of the relationship

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was when he knocked me down
and I fell and I hit my head.

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It wasn't the first time he hit me,

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but it was the first time
I felt really scared.

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I called my best friend and
I finally told her the truth,

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and she said she was coming to get me

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and I was staying with her in the suburbs.

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While I was packing, he came home early

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and was livid when he
saw that I was leaving.

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I didn't realize the
situation got out of hand

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until he pulled a kitchen knife on me.

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He told me, if you leave
me you're gonna kill me,

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so you may as well kill me now.

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And only then did my
brain register danger.

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My best friend came at the nick of time.

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She called the cops, and
that's when he slit his wrists.

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The cops came and took
him to the hospital.

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I felt so guilty.

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I was an empty shell of myself.

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I was apologizing for my very existence.

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I had no voice, I had no identity.

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I was seeking approval from
everyone except myself.

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Much to my regret, I did end up going

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back to him a few months later.

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We were off and on again.

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It was a tug of war between my loneliness,

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and depression and vulnerability.

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I was trying to find peace with myself,

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and I wanted to forgive him so I wasn't

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carrying the hatred that I felt for him.

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I found myself in an
all-too-familiar situation

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when I felt that he was
trying to knock me down a size

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again, and things with
us weren't truly done

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until about another year and a half later

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when he moved to a different state.

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I always thought, how could
this happen to someone like me?

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I was a good girl, I wasn't raised

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in a household with domestic abuse.

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All of my friends had
normal relationships.

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What was wrong with me?

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Why did he feel he had to hit me?

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Once he was gone for good, I rediscovered

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the things that made me happy again.

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I threw myself into my
career, I had new friends

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and love interests, I had a therapist

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who I saw once a week, and she helped me

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build myself back together again.

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If you're going through
this, I want you to know

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to pay attention to the signs.

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It's hard because your
emotions are clouded and you're

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in love, but love is supposed
to make you feel good.

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It should always lift you up.

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Listen to your friends, they care.

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Don't forget that you
are still a good person,

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because you deserve all
the happiness in the world,

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and you're worth it.

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(ambient music)

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(whooshing)