WEBVTT
Kind: captions
Language: en

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(dramatic music)

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- [Voiceover] I had my first panic attack

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when I was 17 years old.

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My body went into "Fight or Flight" mode.

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Jokes on me, 'cause I was actually on

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an airplane flight when it happened.

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Was it claustrophobia?

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Was it bad wiring?

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Was it subconscious trauma?

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I had so many questions,

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but one stood above them all.

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During that flight,

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my mom gave me my first
10 milligram Valium.

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It made me feel like I was flying.

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Thus began my journey

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to try to fix the feelings
I didn't understand.

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Some people struggle
with their mental health.

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And out of us, only one in five

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take medication to help balance out

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the chemicals in our brains.

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When you're not feeling physically well,

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you go to a doctor,

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so if your brain isn't feeling well,

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you go to a doctor, right?

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Wrong.

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Only roughly one-third of people

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with a mental illness seek
any form of treatment.

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But I desperately wanted
to figure this out,

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because I sure as hell
didn't like the way I felt

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and I didn't care who knew it.

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Well, maybe I cared a little.

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I was afraid of telling my friends

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that sometimes I felt like I was dying.

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Physically and emotionally.

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Physically, I was treating my body.

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I was on 10, then 20
milligrams of Lexapro,

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an SSRI,

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and .5 milligrams of Xanax

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a magical little pill

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to treat anxiety and depression.

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I started going to therapy.

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I had good days and bad days

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and really bad days.

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My anxiety attacks became persistent,

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and so, I was prescribed a higher dosage

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of that magical pill Xanax.

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Yet, I was still feeling depressed.

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We tried something different.

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I was switched off Lexapro and Xanax

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and on to Mirtazapine and Ativan.

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I took Mirtazapine at night,

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and if I didn't go to
bed within 20 minutes

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of taking it, I would
everying in my sight.

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I learned good medication
can have bad side effects.

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When I gained a bunch of weight,

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my therapist weaned me off of Mirtazapine

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and onto another fun little
pill called Lamictal.

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Lamictal is a series of anti-seizure pills

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also used to treat the mood swings

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of Bipolar Disorder.

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Bipolar Disorder.

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Getting a definitive diagnosis meant that

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there had to be a cure, right?

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Hope.

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What a misleading drug in itself.

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When my moods fluxuated out of control,

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I'd take my safety medication, Ativan.

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And another, and another,

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and what are these, sugar pills?

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I thought getting a diagnosis
was going to come with

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a fix, but I didn't feel fixed.

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I tried to fix everything externally

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to fix an internal problem.

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I switched jobs, therapists, colleges,

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took more Ativan.

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My new psychiatrist added
Wellbutrin to my cocktail

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and Jesus, this was getting expensive.

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What is the price of happiness?

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My insurance wouldn't
cover the cost of Lamictal

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so I switched to Trazodone,

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and Wellbutrin wasn't
giving me energy and focus

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the way the doctor said
it was supposed to,

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so he weaned me off the Wellbutrin.

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Adult ADHD,

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which apparently is a thing,

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was added as a diagnosis

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and I was given different
types of ADHD medications

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to my assembly line to try.

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Therapy seemed to be working.

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I read articles about celebrities
who were talking openly

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about their anxiety and depression.

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I had good days and bad days
and less really bad days.

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I was buying self-help books

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and researching breathing techniques.

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I was eating healthy, losing
weight, sleeping well,

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and faking it when I had to

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and then,

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life happened.

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Smacked me in the face

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and right off my tracks

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because a guy I loved broke up with me.

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The threat of unpredictability

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is the scariest part

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when something depressing happens

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to someone with depression.

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I developed an addiction to my safety net,

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my Ativan medication,

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and I had to take another
pill called Suboxone,

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along with an intensive
outpatient rehab program

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to get over it.

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But I didn't give up.

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I couldn't.

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There are no rights and wrongs

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when it comes to feelings and moods.

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They just exist,

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we just feel.

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It's the choices we make on
how to constructively deal

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with those feelings that define us.

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Once I wasn't afraid to talk about it,

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I started meeting people
who felt the same way I did,

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I started seeing new doctors,

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psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists

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who were covered by my insurance

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and I started Cognitive
Behavioral Therapy.

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In seven years' time,

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seven psychiatrists,

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four psychologists,

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countless therapists,

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two misdiagnoses,

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over 20 medications.

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I was finally figuring
my mental illness out.

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Today, I take three pills.

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What they are doesn't matter

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becuase I've learned that

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that very well could change someday.

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Finding the medication
that works is a journey,

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and everyone's journey
is gonna be different.

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Our chemicals are different.

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We are different.

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I cannot hold myself accountable

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for what happens with my
depression and anxiety.

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That I don't have control over.

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But I can hold myself accountable

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for the strength of trying.