WEBVTT
Kind: captions
Language: en

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(music)

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- You gotta see this guy. (stuttering)

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"I don't know what I said. (stuttering)

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I don't remember!"

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He's going like "I don't remember
maybe that's what I said!"

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(triumphant music)

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- My name is Donald Trump,
and I'm running for president.

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(music)

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- Not only did I write a book
entitled Crippled America,

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but I also make fun of crippled Americans,

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and I'll sign either one.

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- You know that awful rich
kid in elementary school

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who you only talked to
because they had the best room

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and the best video games?

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That's me and I'm running
for president now!

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- I switched political
parties more than three times,

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which is how many times
I've switched wives.

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- I used to be respected
in the business community,

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but now, people would rather go through

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months of law suits than to work with me.

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- Thank God for the bankruptcy law,

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I can take advantage of
them without having to learn

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how to run sustainable companies.

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- If I offend you, get out of my country!

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But if you offend me,
I'll demand an apology.

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I'm just like extremely
hypocritical in that way.

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- Money can't buy you love,
that's something I've learned.

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- I have surrounded myself with "yes" men

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to the extent that I no longer
know what's good and bad.

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- I don't let myself get
weighed down by what's true.

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Thousands of people
celebrated 9/11 in New Jersey,

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and I shot the Loch Ness monster.

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He (bleep) me in a land deal.

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- Have I mentioned I'm racist?

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- You hear about this Jesus guy?

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I feel bad for him, he was
always looking to help the poor.

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I mean, it's why I'm not religious.

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Not unless I have to be
for political campaigns.

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- If you disagree with me, shut up.

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But if you disagree with me, shut up.

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Yeah, that's right.

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- Remember how I was wrong
about Obama's birth certificate?

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- Fox and Friends are my only friends.

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- The only way I know

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how to deal with others opinions

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is to remove them from my campaign events.

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- I'm the grandson of an immigrant,

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so I guess that means my
grandfather is a rapist,

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and a drug dealer, and a criminal.

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I miss my Pappy.

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- Knock knock! Who's
there? Orange. Orange who?

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Orange you glad to see me?

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- A lot of people say they
don't like me, and that's okay.

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My own father didn't like me.

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He gave me a one million dollar loan

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just to get out of the house.

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(music)