(music)
- You gotta see this guy. (stuttering)
"I don't know what I said. (stuttering)
I don't remember!"
He's going like "I don't remember maybe that's what I said!"
(triumphant music)
- My name is Donald Trump, and I'm running for president.
(music)
- Not only did I write a book entitled Crippled America,
but I also make fun of crippled Americans,
and I'll sign either one.
- You know that awful rich kid in elementary school
who you only talked to because they had the best room
and the best video games?
That's me and I'm running for president now!
- I switched political parties more than three times,
which is how many times I've switched wives.
- I used to be respected in the business community,
but now, people would rather go through
months of law suits than to work with me.
- Thank God for the bankruptcy law,
I can take advantage of them without having to learn
how to run sustainable companies.
- If I offend you, get out of my country!
But if you offend me, I'll demand an apology.
I'm just like extremely hypocritical in that way.
- Money can't buy you love, that's something I've learned.
- I have surrounded myself with "yes" men
to the extent that I no longer know what's good and bad.
- I don't let myself get weighed down by what's true.
Thousands of people celebrated 9/11 in New Jersey,
and I shot the Loch Ness monster.
He (bleep) me in a land deal.
- Have I mentioned I'm racist?
- You hear about this Jesus guy?
I feel bad for him, he was always looking to help the poor.
I mean, it's why I'm not religious.
Not unless I have to be for political campaigns.
- If you disagree with me, shut up.
But if you disagree with me, shut up.
Yeah, that's right.
- Remember how I was wrong about Obama's birth certificate?
- Fox and Friends are my only friends.
- The only way I know
how to deal with others opinions
is to remove them from my campaign events.
- I'm the grandson of an immigrant,
so I guess that means my grandfather is a rapist,
and a drug dealer, and a criminal.
I miss my Pappy.
- Knock knock! Who's there? Orange. Orange who?
Orange you glad to see me?
- A lot of people say they don't like me, and that's okay.
My own father didn't like me.
He gave me a one million dollar loan
just to get out of the house.
(music)