(upbeat music)
- Hi, I'm Hannah, your friendly neighborhood wine mom,
and if you're anything like me,
you believe that a glass of wine at eight p.m.
makes you a better mom.
So pour yourself a glass, and let's talk about stuff.
Here's what I'm drinking tonight.
It has been a week.
Both of my kids started a new day care.
So it's been acclimating them to the new day care.
It's a Friday.
My kids are not here.
I'm gonna enjoy my glass of wine.
We're gonna do a Riesling because it goes down very fast.
I just chewed some gum,
so it's not going to mess with the gum.
Cheers.
And that brings us to this week's topic,
signs that you're a wine mom.
So first, what is a wine mom?
It's not actually a person.
It is a lifestyle choice.
It's a person who prefers sweats over pants.
It's a person who prepers, prepers.
A person, per per per.
It's a person who prefers laying on the couch,
versus basically doing anything else.
Last of all, it's a person whose me time
is defined by a nice glass of wine.
The thing I always say about wine moms
is you don't have to be a mom to be a wine mom.
It's a lifestyle, it's a way of life.
That being said, let's go over the attire of a wine mom.
We go for comfort over everything.
You see me, I'm in like a very loose shirt.
This is loose.
You can't really see what my body looks like underneath it.
Also, elastic waistband on the pants.
That is a definite must.
No yoga pants.
I don't get where this yoga pants fad came out,
but that shit is way too tight.
I want something stretchy.
Give me something.
If you can't see the shape of my butt, we're good.
Because it's really flat.
Next, location.
The place where you are willing to drink wine
is very flexible.
I'm not opposed to drinking wine in the bath,
not opposed to drinking wine in the shower.
Not opposed to drinking wine on the toilet.
One time, my mother-in-law came over,
and she went into the bathroom and used the bathroom
before she left, and she came out
with a glass of wine in her hand and said,
"Oh, Hannah, I think you might have forgotten this
on the toilet tank."
And I was like, "yeah, I did."
And it was probably two days old, but I drank it.
No, she's so polite,
that she'll never be like, "You gross bitch,
what the fuck are you doing,
leaving glasses of wine in your bathroom?"
Aren't you happy that your son married me?
Still doesn't go with gum.
Next, priorities.
If your favorite thing to do is melt on the couch
with a glass or bottle of wine
and a crappy TV show,
welcome to the Wine Mom Club, babe.
When somebody is like, "Hey, wanna go do something?
"It's like a special occasion.
"Let's go somewhere."
I'm like, "Oh, God, that sounds great,
except the part about going."
This Saturday night's my best friend's birthday.
So her party's at a club.
A club.
I'm gonna go because the amount of things that I attend
with my friends who are non-parents are very minimal.
But the thought of having to drive to a club.
First of all, I have to put on something that's tight,
probably, and then I'm gonna have
to go into this club and be like squished,
with like a bunch of sweaty people.
There are always like, those creepy guys at clubs
who will hit on someone
even though like, I clearly have a wedding band
and ring on me.
So, girl, what you doing?
I'm just being married.
Yeah, where your husband?
Where your husband at?
He's at home, but do you want me to call?
Who likes that?
I don't wanna do that.
Can we just come to my house?
I'll put my kids to bed.
You come have your birthday on my couch.
I'll get some wine, and we can just watch "CSI".
Old reruns, not the new shit.
Oh, the burp won't come out.
Next, cost efficiency.
When you are a wine mom,
you're gonna buy smart.
There was this one time at the grocery store.
You bought six bottles of wine, you got your 30 percent off,
and then on top of it,
you got 25 dollars off your groceries.
And having three boys in my house,
it was the greatest thing ever.
We as a family spend all of our money on food
to feel (stutters).
No.
I don't need any water.
I need more wine.
We spend all of our money on food to feed
these garbage disposal boys.
So if I can get my wine for cheap,
and then get my food for cheap,
what the fuck else do I want with my?
That's all I want.
Now, I know if you're just an average person,
what I said doesn't sound that exciting.
But if you are a wine mom, that is just the sexiest thing
you have ever heard.
Get a discount on your wine.
Get a discount on your groceries, oooh.
And last, moderation.
As a wine mom, I am a responsible parent.
I love my children.
They are my priority.
This is my me time.
My children are not here.
I am not responsible for them.
My husband is going to pick them up from day care,
and I don't have to worry about this.
It's not about getting drunk.
I have a limit of about one and a half glasses
before I fall asleep.
And if you think that I'm drunk
because I'm slurring my words or being silly,
or not remembering what I'm about to say,
that's just because I haven't slept in four years.
If you haven't slept in four years,
it's a miracle that you're even existing,
let alone talking.
It's all about a glass and a half
of fun and me time and hard-earned wine.
So drink up.
So that's all I got for today.
I'm Hannah, your friendly neighborhood wine mom.
And if there's anything you want me to talk about
in future episodes, any questions that you have for me,
leave them in a comment.
Because I read all of those,
and I see all of you beautiful little teenagers
saying that you relate to this on a soul basis,
despite not having kids or drinking wine.
And I love you.
That's what I'm here for.
So until next time, wish me luck
at the club this weekend.
Because I'm gonna be like
trying to dance.
Is this how you dance at a club
while you hold your glass of wine?
Good night.
- [Cameraman] What if it's like, instead?
(burping)
- Ooh.
- [Cameraman] We got it.