WEBVTT
Kind: captions
Language: en

00:00:00.602 --> 00:00:03.185
(upbeat music)

00:00:13.997 --> 00:00:17.389
- Hi, I'm Hannah, your
friendly neighborhood wine mom,

00:00:17.389 --> 00:00:18.442
and if you're anything like me,

00:00:18.442 --> 00:00:20.297
you believe that a glass
of wine at eight p.m.

00:00:20.297 --> 00:00:21.886
makes you a better mom.

00:00:21.886 --> 00:00:24.748
So pour yourself a glass,
and let's talk about stuff.

00:00:24.748 --> 00:00:26.196
Here's what I'm drinking tonight.

00:00:26.196 --> 00:00:27.782
It has been a week.

00:00:27.782 --> 00:00:29.896
Both of my kids started a new day care.

00:00:29.896 --> 00:00:32.781
So it's been acclimating
them to the new day care.

00:00:32.781 --> 00:00:33.875
It's a Friday.

00:00:33.875 --> 00:00:35.214
My kids are not here.

00:00:35.214 --> 00:00:37.045
I'm gonna enjoy my glass of wine.

00:00:37.045 --> 00:00:40.692
We're gonna do a Riesling
because it goes down very fast.

00:00:40.692 --> 00:00:42.357
I just chewed some gum,

00:00:42.357 --> 00:00:44.877
so it's not going to mess with the gum.

00:00:44.877 --> 00:00:46.201
Cheers.

00:00:46.201 --> 00:00:48.243
And that brings us to this week's topic,

00:00:48.243 --> 00:00:49.639
signs that you're a wine mom.

00:00:49.639 --> 00:00:52.026
So first, what is a wine mom?

00:00:52.026 --> 00:00:54.153
It's not actually a person.

00:00:54.153 --> 00:00:56.085
It is a lifestyle choice.

00:00:56.085 --> 00:00:59.324
It's a person who prefers
sweats over pants.

00:00:59.324 --> 00:01:02.149
It's a person who prepers, prepers.

00:01:02.149 --> 00:01:04.003
A person, per per per.

00:01:04.003 --> 00:01:07.107
It's a person who prefers
laying on the couch,

00:01:07.107 --> 00:01:09.507
versus basically doing anything else.

00:01:09.507 --> 00:01:11.787
Last of all, it's a person whose me time

00:01:11.787 --> 00:01:15.000
is defined by a nice glass of wine.

00:01:15.000 --> 00:01:16.975
The thing I always say about wine moms

00:01:16.975 --> 00:01:20.032
is you don't have to be
a mom to be a wine mom.

00:01:20.032 --> 00:01:22.254
It's a lifestyle, it's a way of life.

00:01:22.254 --> 00:01:24.974
That being said, let's go
over the attire of a wine mom.

00:01:24.974 --> 00:01:27.374
We go for comfort over everything.

00:01:27.374 --> 00:01:30.555
You see me, I'm in like
a very loose shirt.

00:01:30.555 --> 00:01:31.606
This is loose.

00:01:31.606 --> 00:01:33.779
You can't really see what my
body looks like underneath it.

00:01:33.779 --> 00:01:37.130
Also, elastic waistband on the pants.

00:01:37.130 --> 00:01:39.533
That is a definite must.

00:01:39.533 --> 00:01:40.685
No yoga pants.

00:01:40.685 --> 00:01:43.348
I don't get where this
yoga pants fad came out,

00:01:43.348 --> 00:01:45.446
but that shit is way too tight.

00:01:45.446 --> 00:01:46.616
I want something stretchy.

00:01:46.616 --> 00:01:48.529
Give me something.

00:01:48.529 --> 00:01:51.317
If you can't see the shape
of my butt, we're good.

00:01:51.317 --> 00:01:53.067
Because it's really flat.

00:01:53.067 --> 00:01:54.646
Next, location.

00:01:54.646 --> 00:01:56.784
The place where you are
willing to drink wine

00:01:56.784 --> 00:01:58.411
is very flexible.

00:01:58.411 --> 00:02:00.225
I'm not opposed to
drinking wine in the bath,

00:02:00.225 --> 00:02:02.199
not opposed to drinking
wine in the shower.

00:02:02.199 --> 00:02:04.273
Not opposed to drinking
wine on the toilet.

00:02:04.273 --> 00:02:06.583
One time, my mother-in-law came over,

00:02:06.583 --> 00:02:08.195
and she went into the
bathroom and used the bathroom

00:02:08.195 --> 00:02:09.843
before she left, and she came out

00:02:09.843 --> 00:02:12.394
with a glass of wine in her hand and said,

00:02:12.394 --> 00:02:14.437
"Oh, Hannah, I think you
might have forgotten this

00:02:14.437 --> 00:02:15.708
on the toilet tank."

00:02:15.708 --> 00:02:17.436
And I was like, "yeah, I did."

00:02:17.436 --> 00:02:21.519
And it was probably two
days old, but I drank it.

00:02:22.677 --> 00:02:24.173
No, she's so polite,

00:02:24.173 --> 00:02:26.513
that she'll never be
like, "You gross bitch,

00:02:26.513 --> 00:02:28.491
what the fuck are you doing,

00:02:28.491 --> 00:02:30.550
leaving glasses of wine in your bathroom?"

00:02:30.550 --> 00:02:34.050
Aren't you happy that your son married me?

00:02:35.003 --> 00:02:36.803
Still doesn't go with gum.

00:02:36.803 --> 00:02:38.465
Next, priorities.

00:02:38.465 --> 00:02:41.614
If your favorite thing to
do is melt on the couch

00:02:41.614 --> 00:02:44.114
with a glass or bottle of wine

00:02:44.983 --> 00:02:46.568
and a crappy TV show,

00:02:46.568 --> 00:02:48.784
welcome to the Wine Mom Club, babe.

00:02:48.784 --> 00:02:51.434
When somebody is like,
"Hey, wanna go do something?

00:02:51.434 --> 00:02:52.713
"It's like a special occasion.

00:02:52.713 --> 00:02:53.776
"Let's go somewhere."

00:02:53.776 --> 00:02:55.972
I'm like, "Oh, God, that sounds great,

00:02:55.972 --> 00:02:57.694
except the part about going."

00:02:57.694 --> 00:03:00.389
This Saturday night's my
best friend's birthday.

00:03:00.389 --> 00:03:02.472
So her party's at a club.

00:03:03.926 --> 00:03:05.168
A club.

00:03:05.168 --> 00:03:07.643
I'm gonna go because the
amount of things that I attend

00:03:07.643 --> 00:03:11.472
with my friends who are
non-parents are very minimal.

00:03:11.472 --> 00:03:14.450
But the thought of having
to drive to a club.

00:03:14.450 --> 00:03:17.832
First of all, I have to put
on something that's tight,

00:03:17.832 --> 00:03:19.832
probably, and then I'm gonna have

00:03:19.832 --> 00:03:22.411
to go into this club and be like squished,

00:03:22.411 --> 00:03:24.514
with like a bunch of sweaty people.

00:03:24.514 --> 00:03:27.157
There are always like,
those creepy guys at clubs

00:03:27.157 --> 00:03:28.339
who will hit on someone

00:03:28.339 --> 00:03:31.381
even though like, I
clearly have a wedding band

00:03:31.381 --> 00:03:33.023
and ring on me.

00:03:33.023 --> 00:03:34.907
So, girl, what you doing?

00:03:34.907 --> 00:03:36.350
I'm just being married.

00:03:36.350 --> 00:03:37.403
Yeah, where your husband?

00:03:37.403 --> 00:03:38.700
Where your husband at?

00:03:38.700 --> 00:03:40.674
He's at home, but do you want me to call?

00:03:40.674 --> 00:03:42.241
Who likes that?

00:03:42.241 --> 00:03:43.673
I don't wanna do that.

00:03:43.673 --> 00:03:45.928
Can we just come to my house?

00:03:45.928 --> 00:03:47.230
I'll put my kids to bed.

00:03:47.230 --> 00:03:49.450
You come have your birthday on my couch.

00:03:49.450 --> 00:03:52.132
I'll get some wine, and
we can just watch "CSI".

00:03:52.132 --> 00:03:54.549
Old reruns, not the new shit.

00:03:56.954 --> 00:03:59.279
Oh, the burp won't come out.

00:03:59.279 --> 00:04:01.570
Next, cost efficiency.

00:04:01.570 --> 00:04:03.234
When you are a wine mom,

00:04:03.234 --> 00:04:04.759
you're gonna buy smart.

00:04:04.759 --> 00:04:06.696
There was this one time
at the grocery store.

00:04:06.696 --> 00:04:10.497
You bought six bottles of wine,
you got your 30 percent off,

00:04:10.497 --> 00:04:11.706
and then on top of it,

00:04:11.706 --> 00:04:13.995
you got 25 dollars off your groceries.

00:04:13.995 --> 00:04:16.842
And having three boys in my house,

00:04:16.842 --> 00:04:19.425
it was the greatest thing ever.

00:04:21.385 --> 00:04:23.929
We as a family spend
all of our money on food

00:04:23.929 --> 00:04:27.469
to feel (stutters).

00:04:27.469 --> 00:04:28.727
No.

00:04:28.727 --> 00:04:30.059
I don't need any water.

00:04:30.059 --> 00:04:31.112
I need more wine.

00:04:31.112 --> 00:04:33.465
We spend all of our money on food to feed

00:04:33.465 --> 00:04:36.523
these garbage disposal boys.

00:04:36.523 --> 00:04:38.747
So if I can get my wine for cheap,

00:04:38.747 --> 00:04:40.880
and then get my food for cheap,

00:04:40.880 --> 00:04:42.627
what the fuck else do I want with my?

00:04:42.627 --> 00:04:44.102
That's all I want.

00:04:44.102 --> 00:04:46.934
Now, I know if you're
just an average person,

00:04:46.934 --> 00:04:48.739
what I said doesn't sound that exciting.

00:04:48.739 --> 00:04:51.705
But if you are a wine mom,
that is just the sexiest thing

00:04:51.705 --> 00:04:53.464
you have ever heard.

00:04:53.464 --> 00:04:55.923
Get a discount on your wine.

00:04:55.923 --> 00:04:59.841
Get a discount on your groceries, oooh.

00:04:59.841 --> 00:05:01.983
And last, moderation.

00:05:01.983 --> 00:05:04.298
As a wine mom, I am a responsible parent.

00:05:04.298 --> 00:05:05.216
I love my children.

00:05:05.216 --> 00:05:06.355
They are my priority.

00:05:06.355 --> 00:05:07.938
This is my me time.

00:05:09.500 --> 00:05:11.533
My children are not here.

00:05:11.533 --> 00:05:13.612
I am not responsible for them.

00:05:13.612 --> 00:05:16.255
My husband is going to
pick them up from day care,

00:05:16.255 --> 00:05:18.124
and I don't have to worry about this.

00:05:18.124 --> 00:05:20.126
It's not about getting drunk.

00:05:20.126 --> 00:05:23.433
I have a limit of about
one and a half glasses

00:05:23.433 --> 00:05:24.954
before I fall asleep.

00:05:24.954 --> 00:05:26.736
And if you think that I'm drunk

00:05:26.736 --> 00:05:30.124
because I'm slurring my
words or being silly,

00:05:30.124 --> 00:05:33.541
or not remembering what I'm about to say,

00:05:34.376 --> 00:05:37.606
that's just because I
haven't slept in four years.

00:05:37.606 --> 00:05:38.781
If you haven't slept in four years,

00:05:38.781 --> 00:05:41.443
it's a miracle that you're even existing,

00:05:41.443 --> 00:05:42.937
let alone talking.

00:05:42.937 --> 00:05:44.828
It's all about a glass and a half

00:05:44.828 --> 00:05:48.161
of fun and me time and hard-earned wine.

00:05:49.098 --> 00:05:50.098
So drink up.

00:05:52.362 --> 00:05:53.938
So that's all I got for today.

00:05:53.938 --> 00:05:56.607
I'm Hannah, your friendly
neighborhood wine mom.

00:05:56.607 --> 00:05:58.715
And if there's anything
you want me to talk about

00:05:58.715 --> 00:06:02.268
in future episodes, any
questions that you have for me,

00:06:02.268 --> 00:06:03.456
leave them in a comment.

00:06:03.456 --> 00:06:04.716
Because I read all of those,

00:06:04.716 --> 00:06:07.803
and I see all of you
beautiful little teenagers

00:06:07.803 --> 00:06:10.587
saying that you relate
to this on a soul basis,

00:06:10.587 --> 00:06:12.644
despite not having kids or drinking wine.

00:06:12.644 --> 00:06:13.517
And I love you.

00:06:13.517 --> 00:06:15.048
That's what I'm here for.

00:06:15.048 --> 00:06:17.727
So until next time, wish me luck

00:06:17.727 --> 00:06:19.835
at the club this weekend.

00:06:19.835 --> 00:06:22.119
Because I'm gonna be like

00:06:22.119 --> 00:06:24.162
trying to dance.

00:06:24.162 --> 00:06:26.179
Is this how you dance at a club

00:06:26.179 --> 00:06:28.197
while you hold your glass of wine?

00:06:28.197 --> 00:06:29.114
Good night.

00:06:33.085 --> 00:06:35.298
- [Cameraman] What if it's like, instead?

00:06:35.298 --> 00:06:36.247
(burping)

00:06:36.247 --> 00:06:37.696
- Ooh.

00:06:37.696 --> 00:06:39.696
- [Cameraman] We got it.