WEBVTT Kind: captions Language: en 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:01.564 - When it's not part of your culture 00:00:01.564 --> 00:00:04.261 to talk about feelings in that way, 00:00:04.261 --> 00:00:06.297 you don't talk about it with anybody. 00:00:06.297 --> 00:00:10.574 I don't really talk about it with my friends. 00:00:10.574 --> 00:00:14.165 I did write some sad songs in college, 00:00:14.165 --> 00:00:18.106 and maybe that was a good outlet, but maybe not good enough. 00:00:18.106 --> 00:00:20.659 So it was about three months ago that I went to a doctor 00:00:20.659 --> 00:00:25.659 to try and get some help for certain feelings that I have, 00:00:26.297 --> 00:00:29.275 that were just debilitating, socially. 00:00:29.275 --> 00:00:31.507 That I've had for my entire life, that I thought, 00:00:31.507 --> 00:00:33.338 you know what, I could just deal with this, 00:00:33.338 --> 00:00:35.345 I've dealt with it for 32 years. 00:00:35.345 --> 00:00:38.162 One day you say to yourself, I said to myself, 00:00:38.162 --> 00:00:40.413 "Enough's enough, I'm getting help." 00:00:40.413 --> 00:00:42.787 I went to a doctor, she sat me on a couch, 00:00:42.787 --> 00:00:44.510 she asked me a bunch of questions. 00:00:44.510 --> 00:00:46.821 By the end of it, they had determined 00:00:46.821 --> 00:00:49.011 that I had symptoms of major depression. 00:00:49.011 --> 00:00:51.339 She said, "Hey, do you want to try medication 00:00:51.339 --> 00:00:53.003 "and some therapy?" 00:00:53.003 --> 00:00:54.029 And I said, "Okay!" 00:00:54.029 --> 00:00:55.356 Told my fiance how it went. 00:00:55.356 --> 00:00:56.979 She was like, "What?" 00:00:56.979 --> 00:00:59.356 And I was like, "Yeah, depression." 00:00:59.356 --> 00:01:00.352 I don't want to call it that. 00:01:00.352 --> 00:01:02.529 I'm not ready to say it's depression. 00:01:02.529 --> 00:01:04.492 One question that the doctor asked, 00:01:04.492 --> 00:01:06.914 "Do you have feelings of worthlessness?" 00:01:06.914 --> 00:01:07.651 Everyday. 00:01:07.651 --> 00:01:09.357 Most people, you hear someone say that, 00:01:09.357 --> 00:01:11.464 you assume they're joking, like, 00:01:11.464 --> 00:01:13.088 "Jared, that's a funny guy." 00:01:13.088 --> 00:01:15.563 But no, it's real. 00:01:15.563 --> 00:01:18.156 Do I know that it's irrational? 00:01:18.156 --> 00:01:20.116 Yes, sometimes. 00:01:20.116 --> 00:01:21.861 The doctor prescribed Lexapro, 00:01:21.861 --> 00:01:25.311 I went to Target and got a generic version. 00:01:25.311 --> 00:01:27.318 She said, "They're not a cure-all." 00:01:27.318 --> 00:01:29.798 And I wasn't looking for them as a cure-all, 00:01:29.798 --> 00:01:34.798 just anything to change my behavior in a way 00:01:35.241 --> 00:01:37.410 where I could just move forward 00:01:37.410 --> 00:01:39.012 instead of just staying in one spot 00:01:39.012 --> 00:01:40.106 and not doing anything about it. 00:01:40.106 --> 00:01:43.197 There were immediate effects when I started taking the pills 00:01:43.197 --> 00:01:44.798 and they were pretty physical. 00:01:44.798 --> 00:01:47.111 I felt a little more aware of my body. 00:01:47.111 --> 00:01:49.140 I could see how that awareness of your body 00:01:49.140 --> 00:01:51.710 can help you pull yourself out of your head. 00:01:51.710 --> 00:01:55.560 And maybe that's one of the desired effects 00:01:55.560 --> 00:01:57.944 of the medication, I thought that my breathing problems 00:01:57.944 --> 00:01:59.767 were because I was unhealthy, 00:01:59.767 --> 00:02:00.901 and maybe I am a little bit, 00:02:00.901 --> 00:02:02.515 I should probably work out more. 00:02:02.515 --> 00:02:06.587 But I felt less anxiety and that caused me 00:02:06.587 --> 00:02:08.638 to breath better at night, I had bloating 00:02:08.638 --> 00:02:10.436 that I wasn't really aware of. 00:02:10.436 --> 00:02:13.194 I thought I was just a little fatter just from being older. 00:02:13.194 --> 00:02:14.956 At the same time, it made it a little harder 00:02:14.956 --> 00:02:17.358 to get out of bed, but I've got things to do, 00:02:17.358 --> 00:02:19.978 and I make myself get out of bed 00:02:19.978 --> 00:02:22.529 because I have people that count on me, 00:02:22.529 --> 00:02:24.226 like loved ones. 00:02:24.226 --> 00:02:25.706 So I can imagine for someone who doesn't 00:02:25.706 --> 00:02:29.978 have that support system and that routine, 00:02:29.978 --> 00:02:33.075 it could be more debilitating. 00:02:33.075 --> 00:02:36.261 I hadn't sought help in the past 00:02:36.261 --> 00:02:37.848 because I didn't feel like I needed it. 00:02:37.848 --> 00:02:42.848 I didn't feel like I deserved to feel bad about anything. 00:02:44.423 --> 00:02:48.714 Life's pretty good, like I'm not hungry, 00:02:48.714 --> 00:02:50.489 I got most of my teeth. 00:02:50.489 --> 00:02:52.971 Yeah, it's just like this weird cycle of like, 00:02:52.971 --> 00:02:54.298 you feel shitty but you don't deserve to, 00:02:54.298 --> 00:02:56.078 and it doesn't stop. 00:02:56.078 --> 00:02:59.339 And I do think the pills, the medication has helped me, 00:02:59.339 --> 00:03:04.339 like, alright stop doing that, not rational thinking. 00:03:04.505 --> 00:03:06.268 Let's just take a step back, 00:03:06.268 --> 00:03:08.163 let's get outside of your head, 00:03:08.163 --> 00:03:11.347 and let's just do the things that you gotta do. 00:03:11.347 --> 00:03:15.023 I'm not completely worthless. 00:03:15.023 --> 00:03:16.150 So there's that. 00:03:16.150 --> 00:03:19.822 You know, mental health, you're not completely worthless.