- When it's not part of your culture
to talk about feelings in that way,
you don't talk about it with anybody.
I don't really talk about it with my friends.
I did write some sad songs in college,
and maybe that was a good outlet, but maybe not good enough.
So it was about three months ago that I went to a doctor
to try and get some help for certain feelings that I have,
that were just debilitating, socially.
That I've had for my entire life, that I thought,
you know what, I could just deal with this,
I've dealt with it for 32 years.
One day you say to yourself, I said to myself,
"Enough's enough, I'm getting help."
I went to a doctor, she sat me on a couch,
she asked me a bunch of questions.
By the end of it, they had determined
that I had symptoms of major depression.
She said, "Hey, do you want to try medication
"and some therapy?"
And I said, "Okay!"
Told my fiance how it went.
She was like, "What?"
And I was like, "Yeah, depression."
I don't want to call it that.
I'm not ready to say it's depression.
One question that the doctor asked,
"Do you have feelings of worthlessness?"
Everyday.
Most people, you hear someone say that,
you assume they're joking, like,
"Jared, that's a funny guy."
But no, it's real.
Do I know that it's irrational?
Yes, sometimes.
The doctor prescribed Lexapro,
I went to Target and got a generic version.
She said, "They're not a cure-all."
And I wasn't looking for them as a cure-all,
just anything to change my behavior in a way
where I could just move forward
instead of just staying in one spot
and not doing anything about it.
There were immediate effects when I started taking the pills
and they were pretty physical.
I felt a little more aware of my body.
I could see how that awareness of your body
can help you pull yourself out of your head.
And maybe that's one of the desired effects
of the medication, I thought that my breathing problems
were because I was unhealthy,
and maybe I am a little bit,
I should probably work out more.
But I felt less anxiety and that caused me
to breath better at night, I had bloating
that I wasn't really aware of.
I thought I was just a little fatter just from being older.
At the same time, it made it a little harder
to get out of bed, but I've got things to do,
and I make myself get out of bed
because I have people that count on me,
like loved ones.
So I can imagine for someone who doesn't
have that support system and that routine,
it could be more debilitating.
I hadn't sought help in the past
because I didn't feel like I needed it.
I didn't feel like I deserved to feel bad about anything.
Life's pretty good, like I'm not hungry,
I got most of my teeth.
Yeah, it's just like this weird cycle of like,
you feel shitty but you don't deserve to,
and it doesn't stop.
And I do think the pills, the medication has helped me,
like, alright stop doing that, not rational thinking.
Let's just take a step back,
let's get outside of your head,
and let's just do the things that you gotta do.
I'm not completely worthless.
So there's that.
You know, mental health, you're not completely worthless.