(upbeat music)
- Hi, I'm Hannah I am your friendly neighborhood wine mom,
oh hi I didn't see you there.
And if you are like me you believe that
one glass of wine at 8 pm makes you a better mom.
So pour yourself one and let's talk about stuff.
The best part is you don't even have
to have kids to be a wine mom.
We're gonna have some Chardonnay that is the unofficial
official wine of all wine moms.
Okay, now I'm ready (laughs).
Here's why I'm drinking tonight,
my son is obsessed with the movie that's
out right now called BFG.
But somehow in his four year old brain
it's getting all scrambled and my sister-in-law
finally took him to see it on Sunday
and come Monday I find out that he's telling everyone,
"Oh my auntie took me to see CPS over the weekend."
And for those of you who don't know
what CPS stands for it is Child Protective Services.
So now I have everybody thinking that
my sister-in-law is taking my son to see
Child Protective Services because I am a terrible mother.
So let's talk about the best and worst things
about having kids, kids are the most beautiful
creatures on the planet my kids are the most
wonderful humans I've ever met in my life,
that being said the first word
that I think about when or no,
so that being said the first word that comes to mind
when I think about parenting is shit.
The first five or so years of your life
you're being shit on literally--
- [Voiceover] The first years of their life.
- Oh the first five or so years of their life
you're being shit on literally
and then from there on out you get shit on emotionally.
I have a four year old and a one year old,
so I'm halfway through wiping two butts.
Then when it finally comes time to wipe
your own butt you don't even get to do that alone,
my four year old likes to sit and watch me
actually both of them like to sit and watch me.
And then when I say I'd like some privacy
my four year old will go, "Oh okay."
He'll shoo the one year old out,
close the door, and sit back down.
Okay dude whatever.
But shit is not the only bodily fluid that
comes out of these kids there's just so much
wetness like my kids think that I want them
to hand me their boogers, okay.
And then when they vomit it's like
they go out of their way to vomit on something important.
So my son will run out onto the couch
to vomit on this fabric couch.
You were in the bathroom, why, how?
But even when they're doing that I'm proud of them.
Even when they puke everywhere and I'm cleaning this up
I'm like needy in vomit, knee-deep in vomit.
I'm like I am proud of you because I see
that you ate your whole dinner,
I see broccoli in here, you ate some veggies, nice.
So next (laughs).
I can't be drunk because it's just one glass
I'm not even done so, I'm just, this is just me.
Next, so when you have kids you become accustomed
to constant noise it's like you
kind of train yourself to zone it out.
Once you finally get your silence,
(crickets chirping)
it's terrifying, something terrible is happening,
there is poop on the walls for sure.
There's crayon on something, someone's eating my lipstick.
So one time it was silent and my son was in the bathroom
dunking the bath towels into the toilet
and then sucking on them, why would you do that?
Are you thirsty?
Does it taste good?
Is there something I'm missing about this toilet water?
So you can't win, you finally get your silence
and it's awful.
Hold on.
Just a little bit more.
That was a really small glass
that I poured myself at first.
Next, the cost kids are so expensive.
There's swim lessons, there's new shoes every other week,
their feet grow so fast, I don't understand how.
It's like hobbits.
They just like take and take and take
all your money and then they don't even appreciate it.
Like my son eats all organic.
I spend all this extra money buying him organic food.
So I make him his organic bread, turkey, sandwich
he'll ask for the crust to be cut off.
So the other morning I cut the crust off
then all of the sudden he decided
in that time I was cutting the crust
that he doesn't want the crust cut off anymore.
So I serve him the sandwich and he's like,
"Oh my God, Mom."
Meltdown, flop on the floor wiggle around.
So I take the crust and I'm like shoving them
like squeezing them trying to get the mustard
to like stick them back on.
But no that's not gonna do,
he doesn't even want to see the crust anymore
it's too traumatizing for him.
So I eat them because that's pretty much
the lunch I have these days.
How dare you Mom for eating my crust,
I actually wanted it all along.
You can't win (laughs).
And finally, why?
Your child is going to ask, "Why?"
To every mundane little thing you say.
That grass is green, "Why?"
Because of chlorophyll, "Why?"
I don't remember eighth grade biology,
and it makes realize how little you know about the world.
But on the other hand you have this opportunity
and this chance to make something beautiful.
It's basically like learning from your life
and making something better for somebody else.
I can't think of something that holds
any more meaning than that.
All I can hope is that I don't fuck it up (laughs).
So that's all for now, I have about two sips
left of this and that's my cue to lay down
and melt into the couch with a nice crappy TV show.
Until next time, I'm Hannah your neighborhood wine mom,
and I'll see you later.
You won't want to see me like this, go.
My mom never...
punished me for burping,
that was like the one thing that she didn't think was rude.