WEBVTT
Kind: captions
Language: en

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(upbeat music)

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- Hi, I'm Hannah I am your
friendly neighborhood wine mom,

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oh hi I didn't see you there.

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And if you are like me you believe that

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one glass of wine at 8 pm
makes you a better mom.

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So pour yourself one and
let's talk about stuff.

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The best part is you don't even have

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to have kids to be a wine mom.

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We're gonna have some Chardonnay
that is the unofficial

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official wine of all wine moms.

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Okay, now I'm ready (laughs).

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Here's why I'm drinking tonight,

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my son is obsessed with the movie that's

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out right now called BFG.

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But somehow in his four year old brain

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it's getting all scrambled
and my sister-in-law

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finally took him to see it on Sunday

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and come Monday I find out
that he's telling everyone,

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"Oh my auntie took me to
see CPS over the weekend."

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And for those of you who don't know

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what CPS stands for it is
Child Protective Services.

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So now I have everybody thinking that

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my sister-in-law is taking my son to see

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Child Protective Services
because I am a terrible mother.

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So let's talk about the
best and worst things

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about having kids, kids
are the most beautiful

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creatures on the planet
my kids are the most

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wonderful humans I've ever met in my life,

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that being said the first word

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that I think about when or no,

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so that being said the first
word that comes to mind

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when I think about parenting is shit.

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The first five or so years of your life

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you're being shit on literally--

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- [Voiceover] The first
years of their life.

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- Oh the first five or
so years of their life

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you're being shit on literally

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and then from there on out
you get shit on emotionally.

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I have a four year old and a one year old,

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so I'm halfway through wiping two butts.

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Then when it finally comes time to wipe

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your own butt you don't
even get to do that alone,

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my four year old likes to sit and watch me

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actually both of them
like to sit and watch me.

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And then when I say I'd like some privacy

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my four year old will go, "Oh okay."

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He'll shoo the one year old out,

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close the door, and sit back down.

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Okay dude whatever.

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But shit is not the only bodily fluid that

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comes out of these kids
there's just so much

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wetness like my kids
think that I want them

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to hand me their boogers, okay.

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And then when they vomit it's like

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they go out of their way to
vomit on something important.

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So my son will run out onto the couch

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to vomit on this fabric couch.

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You were in the bathroom, why, how?

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But even when they're doing
that I'm proud of them.

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Even when they puke everywhere
and I'm cleaning this up

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I'm like needy in vomit,
knee-deep in vomit.

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I'm like I am proud of you because I see

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that you ate your whole dinner,

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I see broccoli in here,
you ate some veggies, nice.

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So next (laughs).

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I can't be drunk because
it's just one glass

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I'm not even done so, I'm
just, this is just me.

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Next, so when you have
kids you become accustomed

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to constant noise it's like you

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kind of train yourself to zone it out.

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Once you finally get your silence,

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(crickets chirping)

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it's terrifying, something
terrible is happening,

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there is poop on the walls for sure.

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There's crayon on something,
someone's eating my lipstick.

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So one time it was silent and
my son was in the bathroom

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dunking the bath towels into the toilet

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and then sucking on them,
why would you do that?

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Are you thirsty?

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Does it taste good?

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Is there something I'm missing
about this toilet water?

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So you can't win, you
finally get your silence

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and it's awful.

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Hold on.

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Just a little bit more.

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That was a really small glass

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that I poured myself at first.

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Next, the cost kids are so expensive.

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There's swim lessons, there's
new shoes every other week,

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their feet grow so fast,
I don't understand how.

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It's like hobbits.

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They just like take and take and take

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all your money and then they
don't even appreciate it.

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Like my son eats all organic.

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I spend all this extra money
buying him organic food.

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So I make him his organic
bread, turkey, sandwich

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he'll ask for the crust to be cut off.

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So the other morning I cut the crust off

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then all of the sudden he decided

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in that time I was cutting the crust

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that he doesn't want the
crust cut off anymore.

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So I serve him the sandwich and he's like,

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"Oh my God, Mom."

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Meltdown, flop on the floor wiggle around.

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So I take the crust and
I'm like shoving them

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like squeezing them
trying to get the mustard

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to like stick them back on.

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But no that's not gonna do,

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he doesn't even want to
see the crust anymore

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it's too traumatizing for him.

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So I eat them because that's pretty much

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the lunch I have these days.

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How dare you Mom for eating my crust,

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I actually wanted it all along.

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You can't win (laughs).

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And finally, why?

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Your child is going to ask, "Why?"

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To every mundane little thing you say.

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That grass is green, "Why?"

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Because of chlorophyll, "Why?"

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I don't remember eighth grade biology,

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and it makes realize how little
you know about the world.

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But on the other hand
you have this opportunity

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and this chance to make
something beautiful.

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It's basically like
learning from your life

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and making something
better for somebody else.

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I can't think of something that holds

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any more meaning than that.

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All I can hope is that I
don't fuck it up (laughs).

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So that's all for now,
I have about two sips

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left of this and that's my cue to lay down

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and melt into the couch
with a nice crappy TV show.

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Until next time, I'm Hannah
your neighborhood wine mom,

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and I'll see you later.

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You won't want to see me like this, go.

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My mom never...

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punished me for burping,

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that was like the one thing
that she didn't think was rude.