(door hinge squeaks)
(siren blares)
(man mumbles)
- Everything's taken care of
- Absolutely.
Hi, Lana.
Thank you so much for coming in.
I'm detective Snipes, this is detective Kerry.
We are currently investigating the murder of Steven Calgary.
- Ugh, that's like the saddest thing
to ever happen in history, right?
- Yeah, it sure is.
- So, from what we're told, you're dating Steven?
- Da-ted, we broke up last week.
It's like a crazy long story, but basically,
he cheated on me with the ugliest bitch in America.
She's, like, literally a dog.
- He cheated on you with a canine?
- Can you tell us where you were the night of August 20th?
- Ugh, don't judge me, but I was at Burger King.
I hadn't eaten in, like, a year.
- Wait-wait, I'm sorry, you said you hadn't eaten in a year?
You would be dead if you didn't eat in a year.
Your story's not adding up, people gotta eat.
Checkers says it, you gotta eat--
- Yes, let her finish.
So you're at Burger King eating that night.
Was Steven there?
- Oh, no.
- When was the last time you saw Steven?
- Oh, I haven't seen Steven in like, a hundred years.
- You said you broke up with him last week, though?
- I know.
- Last week is not a hundred years.
A hundred years is a hundred years.
- Do you remember the last thing you saw him doing?
Any person he might have been with?
- Yes, he was in a fight with, like,
the tallest man in the world.
- He was in a fight with Sultan Kösen?
- [Lana] Who?
- Sultan Kösen is the tallest man in the world.
It's a 2007 Guinness Book world record.
Is it just me, I'm the only one who follows that?
Sultan Kösen?
- Do you remember what this tall man looked like?
- Yes, he was very old.
- How old?
- Like a million years old.
- Cut it, cut it, I'm tired of it--
- No, wait, calm down--
- Something's not going on here.
- Calm down, Kerry.
- Something's not going on!
- Alright, calm down.
- [Kerry] Okay, okay, okay.
(sighs heavily)
- Okay, Lana, we need some real numbers from you now.
There's a murderer out there,
and you can help us bring him in.
Now, on the night on the fight with this older, tall man,
do you remember where that was?
- Over on Oak Street, in front of
one of the grossest warehouses, with like 50 blue trucks.
- Okay, blue trucks, it's a number,
a big number, but a number.
Look up all blue trucks in the area,
warehouses, garages, anything.
Anything else you remember?
- Don't ask me what I was doing there.
Second base with Jimmy Leharry.
- If there's someone else there, we need to talk to him.
Does Jimmy live in the city?
- Yes.
- Where?
- Like a bajillion miles away.
- God damn it, I can't do this anymore.
(Door slams)
- I had eaten like 50 burgers, and I remember this,
because Tiffany was joking that I turned into Kevin James,
and I, like, literally died.
- If you ate 50 burgers, you would actually,
literally be dead right now.
You're not telling us the truth.
What's really going on, huh?
Who's Kevin James?
(woman laughs)
(laughs loudly)