WEBVTT Kind: captions Language: en 00:00:00.130 --> 00:00:04.929 - I just wanted to do right, by her, 00:00:04.929 --> 00:00:07.857 because I am still here. 00:00:15.297 --> 00:00:16.570 My sister's name is Heather. 00:00:16.570 --> 00:00:18.290 She passed away from pancreatic cancer. 00:00:18.290 --> 00:00:21.269 - I lost my brother on my tenth birthday. 00:00:21.269 --> 00:00:23.066 - I lost my brother to suicide 00:00:23.066 --> 00:00:24.209 and his name was Harry. 00:00:24.209 --> 00:00:27.194 - I lost my brother when he was 16 years old 00:00:27.194 --> 00:00:28.133 in a car accident. 00:00:28.133 --> 00:00:30.339 - I have a lot of memories of him just tickling me, 00:00:30.339 --> 00:00:32.511 so hard, that I couldn't breathe. 00:00:32.511 --> 00:00:34.751 - She was sarcastic and sassy 00:00:34.751 --> 00:00:38.265 and the smartest person that I might ever know. 00:00:38.265 --> 00:00:40.280 - His friends are still in contact with me today 00:00:40.280 --> 00:00:41.545 and every time they see me, 00:00:41.545 --> 00:00:43.461 they tell me how much I look like him. 00:00:43.461 --> 00:00:44.471 - When I think about him, 00:00:44.471 --> 00:00:45.548 I think of him as he was, 00:00:45.548 --> 00:00:46.685 which is like a teenager. 00:00:46.685 --> 00:00:48.521 And then when I dream about him, 00:00:48.521 --> 00:00:50.932 he's almost always like a baby. 00:00:50.932 --> 00:00:51.887 Whenever he's in my dreams, 00:00:51.887 --> 00:00:54.765 I'll like pick him up and just hold him. 00:00:54.765 --> 00:00:56.070 It's really nice. 00:00:56.070 --> 00:00:58.524 - We found out during my birthday party, 00:00:58.524 --> 00:01:01.726 that he was found dead. 00:01:01.726 --> 00:01:02.753 - I looked down at my phone 00:01:02.753 --> 00:01:05.006 and my little sister had just called 00:01:05.006 --> 00:01:05.912 and it's kind of one of those things 00:01:05.912 --> 00:01:06.690 that you can't describe 00:01:06.690 --> 00:01:08.231 but you just know. 00:01:08.231 --> 00:01:10.173 - He and my grandmother decided to 00:01:10.173 --> 00:01:11.333 take a road trip together. 00:01:11.333 --> 00:01:14.085 I remember very vividly seeing my grandfather 00:01:14.085 --> 00:01:17.019 and the police officer walk through my back door. 00:01:17.019 --> 00:01:18.067 - It happened about a year ago 00:01:18.067 --> 00:01:19.867 and I got a message from him 00:01:19.867 --> 00:01:21.690 and made the decision to drive home. 00:01:21.690 --> 00:01:23.513 So, I got to see him that night 00:01:23.513 --> 00:01:25.230 and then it happened the next morning. 00:01:25.230 --> 00:01:26.450 - I called my sister back 00:01:26.450 --> 00:01:31.450 and she let me know that Heather was, gone. 00:01:31.990 --> 00:01:33.729 - And it was just the hardest thing, 00:01:33.729 --> 00:01:35.545 to watch my mom, 00:01:35.545 --> 00:01:38.515 her being in bed and just crying and crying. 00:01:38.515 --> 00:01:40.311 - And my grandfather just said, 00:01:40.311 --> 00:01:42.506 "There was an accident in Nevada." 00:01:42.506 --> 00:01:44.791 - My initial instinct was to, 00:01:44.791 --> 00:01:46.547 want to talk to her immediately 00:01:46.547 --> 00:01:48.706 and I can't tell you how many times 00:01:48.706 --> 00:01:49.854 I actually took to the phone 00:01:49.854 --> 00:01:51.240 and went, "Oh no, 00:01:52.260 --> 00:01:54.233 "that number doesn't work anymore." 00:01:54.233 --> 00:01:55.986 - It's been over a year 00:01:55.986 --> 00:01:57.274 but it doesn't feel like over a year. 00:01:57.274 --> 00:01:59.292 It feels like yesterday, you know. 00:01:59.292 --> 00:02:01.547 - It took me a long time to stop entertaining 00:02:01.547 --> 00:02:03.195 the thought that maybe it wasn't real. 00:02:03.195 --> 00:02:04.692 - There's always the questions of like, 00:02:04.692 --> 00:02:05.831 "Well, if I was home. 00:02:05.831 --> 00:02:07.493 "If I was closer. 00:02:07.493 --> 00:02:09.325 "Would I have been able to do anything?" 00:02:09.325 --> 00:02:11.957 - There are moments that you are so fine 00:02:11.957 --> 00:02:13.213 and then the next second, 00:02:13.213 --> 00:02:17.916 for no reason, you're like a crying heap on the floor. 00:02:17.916 --> 00:02:21.251 - When I feel myself go into the pain of it, 00:02:21.251 --> 00:02:24.172 I allow myself to because I think that that's important. 00:02:24.172 --> 00:02:25.334 - It doesn't matter how much I heal 00:02:25.334 --> 00:02:27.377 or how much emotional processing I go through. 00:02:27.377 --> 00:02:28.875 How much I pray or go to therapy, 00:02:28.875 --> 00:02:30.592 or whatever, he's still gone. 00:02:30.592 --> 00:02:33.019 - You wait for that sadness to go away, 00:02:33.019 --> 00:02:33.831 like it won't. 00:02:33.831 --> 00:02:36.653 - I think the only way to make it completely go away 00:02:36.653 --> 00:02:39.496 would be to forget about him. 00:02:39.496 --> 00:02:41.530 - I know this is cliche but honestly, 00:02:41.530 --> 00:02:42.794 I think about him everyday. 00:02:42.794 --> 00:02:44.175 - There's not a day, that goes by, 00:02:44.175 --> 00:02:45.680 that I don't think about her. 00:02:45.680 --> 00:02:49.734 - I don't know that it will really ever feel normal 00:02:49.734 --> 00:02:51.333 because, I mean it can't. 00:02:51.333 --> 00:02:53.261 - That sort of empty space in my life, 00:02:53.261 --> 00:02:55.340 it's still there, it's still an empty space, 00:02:55.340 --> 00:02:58.439 but it doesn't feel so glaring, anymore. 00:02:58.439 --> 00:03:01.980 - It's like a heavy, heavy weight 00:03:01.980 --> 00:03:03.720 but maybe the weight is still heavy 00:03:03.720 --> 00:03:06.077 and I just have gotten stronger. 00:03:06.077 --> 00:03:10.037 - It doesn't get easier. 00:03:12.277 --> 00:03:13.741 It get's more manageable.