WEBVTT
Kind: captions
Language: en

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♫ Here comes Korean Claus,
here comes Korean Claus

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♫ dropping kimchi under your tree. ♫

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("The Nutcracker" by Tchaikovsky)

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- Right, what are we talking about?

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Christmas.

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(rock music)

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- Santa Claus!

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- Father Christmas!

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- Old Man Santy Claus.

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- Do you think Santa eats his reindeer?

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He's fat.

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- Today, we are going
to try to become Santa.

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- That seems hard.

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- I have very unmagical
Christmas memories.

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- I'm Jewish.

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I feel like I've been training
for this my whole life.

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- We're meeting the real Santa.

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- And that's pretty (bleep) sick.

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(Christmas bell music)

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- Ah, it's Santa.

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- Yep.

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- So Santa, you're a wizard.

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- Well, I have been
called a wizard, actually.

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- You're a wizard.

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Were you just born Santa Claus?

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- No, actually it hasn't
always been the same

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human embodiment of the spirit.

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(gasping)

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So, I'll tell you when I was your age,

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I certainly had no idea I'd be sitting

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in this seat today.

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- So any of us could become Santa.

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- That's right.

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- Would I turn white?

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(laughing)

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- When you put on the
Santa suit, you are Santa.

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- As far as any kids are concerned,

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we are Santa mother (bleep) Claus.

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No other intro needed, we're just gonna

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take our clothes off and
dress like Santy Clauses.

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- Whoa!

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- Oh look at these goofy clown trousers.

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- That's pretty cute, right?

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Hey, what's up, I'm Santa.

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- I think I put these
pants on backwards, unless

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Santa just puts his hand
on his butt all the time.

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- I would be the most excellent
cuddle partner right now.

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- Cause you know when
you think of Christmas

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you think about (bleep).

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Your parents definitely
(bleep) during Hanukkah.

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You're a Leo.

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- If you saw someone wearing this

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at a truck stop restroom,

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you would run in the other direction.

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- As kids, we grew up
seeing Santa's outfit

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and we just accept it,

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but like this is gaudy as (bleep), Santa.

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- This guy must be so fat.

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- Forget the bags,

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Santa could just stuff
all his presents in here.

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- I could fit Zach in here.

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I could fit Zach all cuddled
up like a kangaroo baby.

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- Do you feel the spirit of giving now?

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- I feel the spirit of something.

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- Merry Christmas, boys.

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- There's one main reason why I'll never

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look like Santa Claus.

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He's hot as (bleep).

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- Great, I get to have hair in my mouth

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for the rest of the day.

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- It's like I got pubes in my mouth.

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(spitting)

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- Oh, it's like having a kitty on my face.

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(moaning)

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- Do I look just like a crazy person?

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- [Zach] Hello children!

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(groaning)

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- Here you go, Asian Santa,

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ready to give you more homework.

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- [Zach] And the final
touch to Santa's outfit

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Michael Jackson's gloves.

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- Oh, I get gloves?

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- Santa and Michael Jackson
have a lot in common.

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- The present cements the look.

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- I'm digging this Asian Santa vibe.

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- I know you've been a bad kid,

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I know you've been a bad kid!

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I watch you, I look at you,

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I watch you while you sleep.

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- Let's do this, let's
go eat a bunch of cookies

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and (bleep) tell people they're naughty.

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(rock music)

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- Okay, Santa training.

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Where do we start?

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- Number one is to adopt a...

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- [Group] Jolly attitude.

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(Santa-type laughing)

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- And number two is...

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Identify people on the nice list.

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Exactly.

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- Have you been a good boy this year?

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- Never.

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- It is a little weird

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having another person sit on your lap.

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Oh God!

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- What do you do when
they're just naughty?

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- [Voiceover] You punish him?

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You punish the bad boys?

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- Do you want to be punished?

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(laughing)

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- And number three is

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give as many gifts as you can

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as quickly as possible.

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- Yes, yes, yes, yes.

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You've been good, Merry Christmas.

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- Yes, a kitty's coming to you Chloe.

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Yes, yes you're welcome.

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- I'm going now.

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- Meow, meow, meow, she's gettin' a kitty.

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- It seems like it takes
a lot of physical fitness

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to be Santa.

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- Can we see those guns,
what are you rockin'?

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(cheering)

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♫ How many Santas do you wish? ♫

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- Now, remember to eat the cookies

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and drink a little bit of the milk.

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- I already feel sick
from like three cookies.

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- What if you're lactose intolerant?

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- Fake it. Just fake it.

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Pour a little bit in the plant, you know.

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(laughing)

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- I feel bad about the plant mostly,

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that plant is gonna die.

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- You four inspire me.

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I mean, when you're
tryin' to do what I do,

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I just hope that I can help
in every way that I can.

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- And to all a good night!

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(cheering)

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- I wanted to say thank you

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to the children all over the world.

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You are amazing.

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I love you.

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And remember to stay on that nice list,

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be considerate, and be a Santa's helper.

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Make something for somebody

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and you'll be like me,

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you'll be a Santa's helper.

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Yay!

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(laughing and clapping)

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- Oh my god, Jesus Christ, Zach.

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- Have you ever run into trouble

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sneaking into someone's house?

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- No, never have.

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- We're Santa Clause, we're doing it guys.

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(intense music)

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- [Eugene] Frosty,
what's up with that guy?

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- He's make believe.

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(laughing)