♫ Here comes Korean Claus, here comes Korean Claus
♫ dropping kimchi under your tree. ♫
("The Nutcracker" by Tchaikovsky)
- Right, what are we talking about?
Christmas.
(rock music)
- Santa Claus!
- Father Christmas!
- Old Man Santy Claus.
- Do you think Santa eats his reindeer?
He's fat.
- Today, we are going to try to become Santa.
- That seems hard.
- I have very unmagical Christmas memories.
- I'm Jewish.
I feel like I've been training for this my whole life.
- We're meeting the real Santa.
- And that's pretty (bleep) sick.
(Christmas bell music)
- Ah, it's Santa.
- Yep.
- So Santa, you're a wizard.
- Well, I have been called a wizard, actually.
- You're a wizard.
Were you just born Santa Claus?
- No, actually it hasn't always been the same
human embodiment of the spirit.
(gasping)
So, I'll tell you when I was your age,
I certainly had no idea I'd be sitting
in this seat today.
- So any of us could become Santa.
- That's right.
- Would I turn white?
(laughing)
- When you put on the Santa suit, you are Santa.
- As far as any kids are concerned,
we are Santa mother (bleep) Claus.
No other intro needed, we're just gonna
take our clothes off and dress like Santy Clauses.
- Whoa!
- Oh look at these goofy clown trousers.
- That's pretty cute, right?
Hey, what's up, I'm Santa.
- I think I put these pants on backwards, unless
Santa just puts his hand on his butt all the time.
- I would be the most excellent cuddle partner right now.
- Cause you know when you think of Christmas
you think about (bleep).
Your parents definitely (bleep) during Hanukkah.
You're a Leo.
- If you saw someone wearing this
at a truck stop restroom,
you would run in the other direction.
- As kids, we grew up seeing Santa's outfit
and we just accept it,
but like this is gaudy as (bleep), Santa.
- This guy must be so fat.
- Forget the bags,
Santa could just stuff all his presents in here.
- I could fit Zach in here.
I could fit Zach all cuddled up like a kangaroo baby.
- Do you feel the spirit of giving now?
- I feel the spirit of something.
- Merry Christmas, boys.
- There's one main reason why I'll never
look like Santa Claus.
He's hot as (bleep).
- Great, I get to have hair in my mouth
for the rest of the day.
- It's like I got pubes in my mouth.
(spitting)
- Oh, it's like having a kitty on my face.
(moaning)
- Do I look just like a crazy person?
- [Zach] Hello children!
(groaning)
- Here you go, Asian Santa,
ready to give you more homework.
- [Zach] And the final touch to Santa's outfit
Michael Jackson's gloves.
- Oh, I get gloves?
- Santa and Michael Jackson have a lot in common.
- The present cements the look.
- I'm digging this Asian Santa vibe.
- I know you've been a bad kid,
I know you've been a bad kid!
I watch you, I look at you,
I watch you while you sleep.
- Let's do this, let's go eat a bunch of cookies
and (bleep) tell people they're naughty.
(rock music)
- Okay, Santa training.
Where do we start?
- Number one is to adopt a...
- [Group] Jolly attitude.
(Santa-type laughing)
- And number two is...
Identify people on the nice list.
Exactly.
- Have you been a good boy this year?
- Never.
- It is a little weird
having another person sit on your lap.
Oh God!
- What do you do when they're just naughty?
- [Voiceover] You punish him?
You punish the bad boys?
- Do you want to be punished?
(laughing)
- And number three is
give as many gifts as you can
as quickly as possible.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.
You've been good, Merry Christmas.
- Yes, a kitty's coming to you Chloe.
Yes, yes you're welcome.
- I'm going now.
- Meow, meow, meow, she's gettin' a kitty.
- It seems like it takes a lot of physical fitness
to be Santa.
- Can we see those guns, what are you rockin'?
(cheering)
♫ How many Santas do you wish? ♫
- Now, remember to eat the cookies
and drink a little bit of the milk.
- I already feel sick from like three cookies.
- What if you're lactose intolerant?
- Fake it. Just fake it.
Pour a little bit in the plant, you know.
(laughing)
- I feel bad about the plant mostly,
that plant is gonna die.
- You four inspire me.
I mean, when you're tryin' to do what I do,
I just hope that I can help in every way that I can.
- And to all a good night!
(cheering)
- I wanted to say thank you
to the children all over the world.
You are amazing.
I love you.
And remember to stay on that nice list,
be considerate, and be a Santa's helper.
Make something for somebody
and you'll be like me,
you'll be a Santa's helper.
Yay!
(laughing and clapping)
- Oh my god, Jesus Christ, Zach.
- Have you ever run into trouble
sneaking into someone's house?
- No, never have.
- We're Santa Clause, we're doing it guys.
(intense music)
- [Eugene] Frosty, what's up with that guy?
- He's make believe.
(laughing)