WEBVTT Kind: captions Language: en 00:00:00.296 --> 00:00:00.899 - [Eugene] You guys ready? 00:00:00.899 --> 00:00:02.443 - [All] Three, two, one, go! 00:00:02.443 --> 00:00:03.251 - Jackoff! 00:00:04.463 --> 00:00:05.973 Alright, I'm gonna turn this off now 00:00:05.973 --> 00:00:08.395 so I can pleasure myself in an office. 00:00:08.395 --> 00:00:12.052 (upbeat, exciting music) 00:00:12.052 --> 00:00:14.676 - Okay, so, what are we doing today? 00:00:14.676 --> 00:00:16.592 I don't know how is best to describe it. 00:00:17.632 --> 00:00:18.662 - Like, where do we. 00:00:18.662 --> 00:00:20.408 - When do we touch ourselves? 00:00:20.408 --> 00:00:21.074 - First of all, it's all. 00:00:22.284 --> 00:00:24.312 - Today we're gonna get our sperm counts tested. 00:00:24.312 --> 00:00:26.205 This topic is very important to me because 00:00:26.205 --> 00:00:27.923 I want to have children. 00:00:27.923 --> 00:00:29.304 - I'm actually really interested to find out 00:00:29.304 --> 00:00:31.267 if my sperm are normal. 00:00:31.267 --> 00:00:32.532 - This is not something you think about. 00:00:32.532 --> 00:00:33.947 You're just like, yeah, my dick works. 00:00:33.947 --> 00:00:35.630 When we talk about fertility, we talk about 00:00:35.630 --> 00:00:37.327 women having to get tested a lot, 00:00:37.327 --> 00:00:38.428 but not as much about men. 00:00:38.428 --> 00:00:39.369 Do you think that's true? 00:00:39.369 --> 00:00:41.320 - It's absolutely true, and it's absolutely not fair. 00:00:41.320 --> 00:00:42.968 We don't really know how big of a problem this is 00:00:42.968 --> 00:00:44.849 because a lot of couples will either give up 00:00:44.849 --> 00:00:46.427 and not come in, or a lot of guys 00:00:47.537 --> 00:00:49.376 won't think that there's anything wrong with them. 00:00:49.376 --> 00:00:51.350 - Every guy is terrified of having a baby, 00:00:51.350 --> 00:00:53.196 but I feel like, secretly, we're more terrified 00:00:53.196 --> 00:00:54.693 of not being able to have a baby. 00:00:54.693 --> 00:00:55.472 - I'm nervous. 00:00:55.472 --> 00:00:57.027 - Don't be nervous, it's really easy. 00:00:57.027 --> 00:00:59.375 You've done this at home a thousand times. 00:00:59.375 --> 00:01:00.133 - More than that. 00:01:00.133 --> 00:01:01.631 - Basically, you're going to collect sperm 00:01:01.631 --> 00:01:02.850 into a cup. 00:01:02.850 --> 00:01:04.893 - We were planning on making it a race. 00:01:04.893 --> 00:01:06.913 - [Zach] We're gonna try and be quickest. 00:01:06.913 --> 00:01:09.008 - [Keith] Go! 00:01:11.276 --> 00:01:13.797 - Now to think about my wife. 00:01:13.797 --> 00:01:15.236 - So I'm in the masterbatorium, 00:01:15.236 --> 00:01:17.013 about to get fine-gritty. 00:01:17.013 --> 00:01:18.707 And it couldn't be weirder. 00:01:18.707 --> 00:01:20.437 - I don't, what do I. 00:01:22.147 --> 00:01:23.676 - [Keith] Yeah, you just came out, what time was it? 00:01:23.676 --> 00:01:26.439 - [Zach] 5:07! You're fast at jerking it. 00:01:26.439 --> 00:01:28.058 - Trying to figure out the DVD player. 00:01:28.058 --> 00:01:28.836 It won't work. 00:01:28.836 --> 00:01:31.401 - Guys, we did it. 00:01:31.401 --> 00:01:34.083 6:54, that's respectable. 00:01:34.083 --> 00:01:35.662 How long does it normally take? 00:01:35.662 --> 00:01:37.659 - Maybe ten minutes is average. 00:01:37.659 --> 00:01:38.981 - Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. 00:01:38.981 --> 00:01:39.876 - 12:25. 00:01:39.876 --> 00:01:41.524 - I took time to wash my hands after. 00:01:41.524 --> 00:01:43.637 - I think I'm just gonna use my imagi, oh. 00:01:44.917 --> 00:01:46.075 - Zach's initially the slowest. 00:01:46.075 --> 00:01:47.050 - He's still in there? 00:01:47.050 --> 00:01:48.652 16 minutes? 00:01:51.172 --> 00:01:52.285 - [Voiceover] 37 minutes in. 00:01:52.285 --> 00:01:53.994 - I'm just worried. 00:01:53.994 --> 00:01:55.421 - Well, I'm done. 00:01:55.421 --> 00:01:56.731 That was a disaster. 00:01:56.731 --> 00:01:58.392 I have some good news: I did it. 00:01:58.392 --> 00:01:59.954 Bad news is that I missed. 00:02:01.919 --> 00:02:03.024 - [Eugene] How much did you get in the cup? 00:02:03.024 --> 00:02:04.185 - Not, not much. 00:02:04.185 --> 00:02:05.149 - Where did the rest of it go? 00:02:06.239 --> 00:02:07.559 - I'd rather not say, Eugene. 00:02:07.559 --> 00:02:10.961 - Sperm and semen together are analyzed 00:02:10.961 --> 00:02:12.773 in something called a semen analysis. 00:02:12.773 --> 00:02:13.979 - We'll actually take the sample, 00:02:13.979 --> 00:02:16.058 we'll put it in the machine, and it calibrates, 00:02:16.058 --> 00:02:18.497 reads the semen, gives us a report. 00:02:18.497 --> 00:02:21.758 - It's almost fully loaded, which is a choice term. 00:02:21.758 --> 00:02:23.453 - A little nervous, because actually seeing it 00:02:23.453 --> 00:02:25.635 in numbers on paper is gonna be really eye-opening. 00:02:25.635 --> 00:02:27.643 - I'm not feeling very optimistic right now. 00:02:27.643 --> 00:02:28.897 - I just hope that I'm okay. 00:02:28.897 --> 00:02:30.508 I just hope that I'm normal. 00:02:30.508 --> 00:02:31.925 - [Voiceover] Moment of truth. 00:02:31.925 --> 00:02:34.613 (upbeat, jazzy music) 00:02:34.613 --> 00:02:36.251 - The sperm like to be about two degrees colder 00:02:36.251 --> 00:02:38.049 than the rest of the body. 00:02:38.049 --> 00:02:40.638 The heat from a laptop is enough to cook those sperm. 00:02:41.478 --> 00:02:43.218 So, anything that can get in the way 00:02:43.218 --> 00:02:45.436 of sperm cooling is a bad thing. 00:02:45.436 --> 00:02:47.420 - I've been wearing boxers all week, 00:02:47.420 --> 00:02:48.859 just as preperation. 00:02:48.859 --> 00:02:49.534 - [Jesse] Boxers are great. 00:02:49.534 --> 00:02:50.241 - Exercise? 00:02:50.241 --> 00:02:51.519 - [Jesse] Exercise is wonderful. 00:02:51.519 --> 00:02:52.819 - I'm o-for-three on that. 00:02:52.819 --> 00:02:54.223 - And stress is another big one. 00:02:55.763 --> 00:02:57.656 There's a lot of toxins that are bad for sperm. 00:02:57.656 --> 00:02:59.967 Alcohol, it's okay. 00:02:59.967 --> 00:03:02.591 Anything in moderation is probably okay. 00:03:02.591 --> 00:03:05.946 So, one of the biggest ways to make your sperm counts 00:03:05.946 --> 00:03:08.941 go to zero, is taking supplemental testosterone. 00:03:08.941 --> 00:03:10.299 Things that are pretty neutral, 00:03:10.299 --> 00:03:12.063 caffeine, it makes them moto, right? 00:03:12.063 --> 00:03:12.737 - Smoking. 00:03:12.737 --> 00:03:15.082 - Smoking, it's a sign of stress on the sperm, 00:03:15.082 --> 00:03:16.475 but it's not a dealbreaker. 00:03:16.475 --> 00:03:17.114 - Weed. 00:03:17.114 --> 00:03:19.121 - We don't really have a lot of data on pot. 00:03:19.121 --> 00:03:20.933 - Perfect. 00:03:20.933 --> 00:03:22.872 - I think that your sperm are really 00:03:22.872 --> 00:03:26.122 a good bellwether for how the rest of your body is. 00:03:26.122 --> 00:03:27.852 If you have abnormalities with your sperm, 00:03:27.852 --> 00:03:29.373 then there's something else going wrong 00:03:29.373 --> 00:03:30.534 in your life. 00:03:30.534 --> 00:03:31.381 (dinging) 00:03:31.381 --> 00:03:33.459 - Let's talk about the way one measures sperm. 00:03:33.459 --> 00:03:36.396 - The quantitative part is how much volume, 00:03:36.396 --> 00:03:38.695 or how much liquid comes out when a man ejaculates. 00:03:38.695 --> 00:03:39.519 - Point four. 00:03:39.519 --> 00:03:40.761 - Point four what? 00:03:40.761 --> 00:03:41.840 - Millileters. 00:03:41.840 --> 00:03:42.711 - That's not much. 00:03:42.711 --> 00:03:43.350 - It's not. 00:03:43.350 --> 00:03:46.032 - The highest volume of ejaculate: Ned. 00:03:47.682 --> 00:03:49.131 Now, Eugene comes in a close scond. 00:03:49.131 --> 00:03:50.710 - Well, he didn't win, so that's all that matters. 00:03:50.710 --> 00:03:52.754 - The other quantitative thing is how many sperm 00:03:52.754 --> 00:03:54.995 come out in that ejaculation. 00:03:54.995 --> 00:03:57.092 This is how many million per milliliter. 00:03:57.092 --> 00:04:00.169 Ned and Eugene both are in the 70 million. 00:04:00.169 --> 00:04:03.395 3.4 was your volume, times 73.1, 00:04:03.395 --> 00:04:06.786 gives you a total sperm count of 248.6 million. 00:04:06.786 --> 00:04:11.151 Eugene, 237.6 million per ejaculate. 00:04:11.151 --> 00:04:12.846 - We're still competing on a molecular level. 00:04:12.846 --> 00:04:14.784 - Zach was at 37.9 million. 00:04:14.784 --> 00:04:19.784 Keith is extremely high concentration at 128.1 million. 00:04:19.972 --> 00:04:21.088 - What? 00:04:21.088 --> 00:04:23.497 - That's why I don't need all that extra fluid. 00:04:23.497 --> 00:04:25.099 - He's really only at about 60 million. 00:04:25.099 --> 00:04:26.062 - Mistakes were made. 00:04:26.062 --> 00:04:28.384 - Mistakes were definitely made. 00:04:28.384 --> 00:04:29.904 - But, it takes one, right? 00:04:29.904 --> 00:04:31.855 - I wonder what my boys look like. 00:04:31.855 --> 00:04:33.063 - [Jesse] We just take out a dropper 00:04:33.063 --> 00:04:35.315 and put it in the special slide, and we look at it 00:04:35.315 --> 00:04:36.336 under a microscope. 00:04:36.336 --> 00:04:39.093 - I bet Keith's sperm are really good at wiggling, like. 00:04:40.062 --> 00:04:42.244 - Zach is gonna have the hairiest sperm. 00:04:42.244 --> 00:04:43.382 - Eugene's has the kind of sperm 00:04:43.382 --> 00:04:45.518 that, like, trips other sperm on the way to the egg. 00:04:45.518 --> 00:04:48.375 - My only hope is that Ned has the strongest, fastest sperm. 00:04:48.375 --> 00:04:53.375 - Woah, what, what? 00:04:54.818 --> 00:04:56.443 Yeah! 00:04:56.443 --> 00:04:59.264 - The qualitative aspects are the shape of the sperm, 00:04:59.264 --> 00:05:00.855 which is what we call morphology. 00:05:00.855 --> 00:05:01.876 - And there's your sperm. 00:05:01.876 --> 00:05:03.536 - There they are, look at them! 00:05:03.536 --> 00:05:06.195 Oh, look at them go, look at those little idiots. 00:05:06.195 --> 00:05:07.495 - [Voiceover] That one has two tails right there. 00:05:07.495 --> 00:05:09.097 - [Keith] Woah, you're a freak! 00:05:09.097 --> 00:05:11.396 - Only 4% of them have to be considered morphologically 00:05:11.396 --> 00:05:14.622 normal, which means you've got 96% of your sperm 00:05:14.622 --> 00:05:15.539 are knuckleheads. 00:05:15.539 --> 00:05:17.072 Look at those guys. 00:05:17.072 --> 00:05:18.256 - [Eugene] Wow. 00:05:18.256 --> 00:05:21.948 - So we'll focus in, they are doing a dance. 00:05:21.948 --> 00:05:24.362 The other qualitative thing is how fast they're moving. 00:05:24.362 --> 00:05:27.415 To get up to an egg, that sperm is running 00:05:27.415 --> 00:05:29.296 the microscopic equivalent of running 00:05:29.296 --> 00:05:31.189 from Los Angeles to San Francisco. 00:05:31.189 --> 00:05:32.970 - Look at those little guys. 00:05:32.970 --> 00:05:35.295 Oh, they look happy and healthy and fun. 00:05:35.295 --> 00:05:36.655 - Can we all have kids? 00:05:36.655 --> 00:05:39.429 - You guys are all armed and dangerous. 00:05:40.669 --> 00:05:43.378 - Whatever helps destigmatize any sort of health-related 00:05:43.378 --> 00:05:45.058 thing for a man is good. 00:05:45.058 --> 00:05:47.555 If you can't produce, then what kind of man are you, right? 00:05:47.555 --> 00:05:49.633 - That is a huge cross to bare. 00:05:49.633 --> 00:05:51.456 No, you're no less of a man. 00:05:51.456 --> 00:05:53.011 - What you do in real life is what makes you a man, 00:05:53.011 --> 00:05:54.335 so, don't be afraid to check it out. 00:05:54.335 --> 00:05:55.739 - And it's better to know sooner than later, 00:05:55.739 --> 00:05:57.457 because some of these things are reversable. 00:05:57.457 --> 00:05:59.094 - There's a lot of things that we don't even know 00:05:59.094 --> 00:06:01.975 that we do daily, that effects out genitals. 00:06:01.975 --> 00:06:04.075 And our future babies. 00:06:04.075 --> 00:06:05.281 - Even if they're gonna have difficulty, 00:06:05.281 --> 00:06:07.731 we're gonna find some way to get that couple pregnant. 00:06:07.731 --> 00:06:09.542 - There are so many ways to start a family, 00:06:09.542 --> 00:06:11.481 even if there is a problem. 00:06:11.481 --> 00:06:14.940 All that said, my sperm are ready to have babies. 00:06:14.940 --> 00:06:17.251 - [Keith] Oh, man, I would name that one Keith. 00:06:17.251 --> 00:06:20.059 I would name this one, these two Keith. 00:06:20.059 --> 00:06:21.035 - [Voiceover] Congratulations. 00:06:21.035 --> 00:06:22.161 Can we check his balls? 00:06:22.161 --> 00:06:23.856 - That was actually great, I had a great time. 00:06:23.856 --> 00:06:24.680 - [Zach] It was a nightmare. 00:06:24.680 --> 00:06:26.904 It was the worst masterbation of all time.