WEBVTT
Kind: captions
Language: en

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(upbeat music)

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- Hi, I'm Hannah,

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your friendly neighborhood wine mom

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and if you're anything like me

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you believe that a glass
of wine at eight P.M.

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makes you a better mom.

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The best part is

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you don't even have to have kids

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to be a wine mom.

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This evening, I'm bringing out something

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very, very special.

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This was a gift from my mom,

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who is also a wine mom.

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Her mom was also a wine mom.

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So I come from a long legacy of wine moms

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and this is almost like passing the torch.

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And it says,

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"Finally, a wine glass

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"that meets my needs."

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So technically, it's one glass.

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(clinking of glass and wine pouring)

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Here's why I'm drinking tonight.

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I desperately want a third child,

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but I really don't want to be pregnant.

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If I didn't have to be pregnant,

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I would have, like, five more kids.

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I already have two boys,

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so, like, if the third was another boy

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I feel like I'd just kind of drown

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in the testosterone.

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It's not the right time.

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It's not happening for us right now.

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So let's drink.

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So that brings us to tonight's topic,

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The Best and Werts,

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werts.

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The Best and Worst Parts

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About Being Pregnant

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So buckle up your seatbelts

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because we're going to
go on a wild fucking ride

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and if you're a wuss,

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get the fuck out.

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Including you, Kevin.

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- [Kevin] What?

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- If you're a wuss.

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We'll start on a positive note.

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No.

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We'll start on a negative note.

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First, the pregnancy glow is a lie.

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I don't know what kind of women

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have this, like,

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amazing, beautiful experience.

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Oh my God,

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I'm so in tune with my body.

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I feel like a goddess.

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Nothing was beautiful
about my pregnancies.

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I felt like roadkill
the first three months.

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A bloated corpse the second three months

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and a beached whale
the third three months.

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No glow.

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But if you have a wonderful pregnancy,

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I'm very happy for you,

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but I kind of fucking hate you.

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Enjoy your glow you big bitch.

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Next, the.

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Next, weird, ass cravings.

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So there's some pretty weird cravings.

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Like, I know some people crave,

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like, laundry detergent

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and they want to eat it.

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- [Kevin] Is that really a thing?

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- Yeah, women crave weird shit

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when they're pregnant.

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I liked the dryer sheets.

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Like the ones that smell like clean linen.

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I, just like, wanted to lick them.

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It was just, like,

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oh my God, get this inside of me,

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I need it.

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I might have licked the dryer
sheet a couple of times,

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both pregnancies.

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It's like,

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it feels like one glass of wine.

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Next, free boob job.

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Pregnancy is basically, like,

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one giant free boob job.

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I was a B before I got pregnant

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and then I was a double D

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before I gave birth.

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My husband was not unhappy about this.

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Whoo, momma's got D's.

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And as a flat chested girl,

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that's like the only time

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that I've had big boobs.

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There was like,

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wait, now I know how the other half lives.

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I want to go back in time

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and do a slow, Bay Watch run

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in my double D's on the beach.

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Like, just savor that moment forever.

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Next, unwarranted touching.

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When you have that, like,

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cute baby belly towards the end

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of your pregnancy,

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everybody thinks that
suddenly they can touch you.

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So I could not go to the Post Office

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without some weird man, like,

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coming up and rubbing my belly.

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And it's always this prolonged touch

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with, like, weird noises like

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(moaning)

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And I'm standing there, like,

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are you done?

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Can I go?

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(moaning)

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I feel like it's slowing
me down a little bit.

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Next, weird dreams.

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I don't know if it's the hormones

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or the fact that there's, like,

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another brain inside of you,

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but you have the most vivid dreams

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during pregnancy

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and that can be either good or bad.

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I had one dream that my
husband was cheating on me

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and it was so vivid and real

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that I woke up very angry the next morning

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and I couldn't get over it for, like,

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a week.

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Even though he didn't actually do it

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and he would be like,

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"I didn't cheat on you.

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Why are you mad?"

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And I'd be like,

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you better make this up to me.

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Sometimes the dreams are really graphic,

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vivid,

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awful,

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scary dreams.

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But then other mornings I'd wake up

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having had a sex dream about Judge Judy

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and it's kind of weird.

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- [Kevin] What was it like

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being with Judge Judy?

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- Judge Judy's very generous in bed,

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just in case you're wondering.

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If you're watching this, Judge Judy,

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call me.

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Next, pregnancy sex.

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I think this is different for everyone,

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but for the first two
trimesters were great.

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It was awesome.

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I was just like,

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more more more more more.

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My husband was the
happiest guy on the planet,

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but then the third trimester,

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I just want you, to like,

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with your partner,

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try having sex with a
watermelon between you.

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Like, duct tape it to your stomach

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and see how it goes

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because that's the third trimester.

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And get creative

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and you do a lot of side action,

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like laying on the side.

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I couldn't even deal with, like,

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being on my hands and knees

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because it was just, like,

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this weight pulling you down.

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It's like having a dumbbell hanging

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from your stomach.

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Like, you don't want to get on your hands

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and knees like that.

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It's not pretty.

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It's not comfortable.

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It's not good.

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So there's a lot of side work.

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This is getting gross, okay.

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I feel like it aerates it.

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I don't know aerating does,

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but I've heard it's good.

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So last.

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Oh, you know what I forgot?

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I forgot to say shopping
for little clothes.

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But in the end,

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the best and worst part

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(giggling)

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the best and worst part

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is that you're not going
to remember any of it.

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I don't remember shit from my pregnancies.

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The only reason I'm telling
you these things today

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is because I wrote them down in a diary.

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Your body biologically makes you forget

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and then you're going to want to do it

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all over again.

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So, drink up before you do.

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So that's all I got for today.

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If you watched this all they way through,

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call your mom.

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Send her a text.

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Tell her you appreciate her

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because it sucks being pregnant

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and having babies.

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She birthed you,

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you ungrateful piece of shit.

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No, I shouldn't say that.

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(laughing)

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Better yet, write her a card

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because we love that shit.

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Until next time,

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I'm Hannah,

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your friendly neighborhood wine mom.

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I'm going to put some
plastic wrap on this.

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Probably going to refrigerate it

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and go to bed and dream of Judge Judy.

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(upbeat music)

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(burping)

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(laughing)

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- [Kevin] Nice.

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That was a good one.

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(burp)

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- Oh, they come in twos.

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Always.

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(upbeat music)