WEBVTT
Kind: captions
Language: en

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(happy instrumental music)

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- Hi, I'm Hannah.

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I'm your friendly neighborhood wine mom

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and I don't remember why.

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Hi, I'm Hannah, I'm your
friendly neighborhood wine mom

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and if you're anything like me

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you believe that a
glass of wine at nine PM

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makes you a better mom.

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So pour yourself a glass and let's talk.

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But first, here's why
I'm drinking tonight.

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We were at my friend's one-year-old son's

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birthday party last weekend and
my four-year-old son Jackson

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has just decided that
he's not going to point

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with this finger anymore.

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I don't understand why.

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He's four, he's been pointing
like this his whole life.

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Anyway, he goes up to
the one-year-old's mom

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and goes, "Hey, is is Noah one?"

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Holding it up.

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The mom is just like,

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so cheers.

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Rose tonight because this was
a birthday present from my mom

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and while we're on the topic of birthdays

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let's talk about the best and worst things

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of kids' birthday parties,
about kids' birthday parties.

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Disclaimer, there is not a lot of good.

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Let's start this on a positive note

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with some two really easy
pros, pizza and cake.

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Who doesn't love going
to a kids' birthday party

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and just being able to
wolf down some greasy pizza

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chasing it with like some
awful-ingredient cake?

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And I'm not talking about those artisan

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like beet-colored, prune-sweetened cakes.

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I'm talkin' like the sheet
cake from the grocery store,

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like pump that dye in there.

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If my mouth isn't blue at the
end you haven't done your job.

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But on the other hand,
there are some parents,

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I don't know what kind of
hell they crawled up from.

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(laughing) I probably shouldn't say that.

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They serve salad for the parents.

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What possesses them to do this?

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I'm not a rabbit attending your party.

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I want the same greasy cheese
bread as these children.

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I want to shove my face
full of carbs and fat.

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I don't want leaves and
nuts and berries and shit.

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Pro tip, if.

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(mumbles)

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Pro tip put a billion pieces
of pizza on your kid's plate

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'cause you know eventually
after the third piece

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they're gonna be like,
"Oh my god, I can't."

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And then when they
can't finish it be like,

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"Oh, I don't wanna waste it."

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And then you don't have to be
stuck with your wimpy salad.

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(happy instrumental music)

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I'm drinking this kinda fast.

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Next, alcohol, there are some parents

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probably the same parents who serve salad

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to the other parents who don't
serve booze at their party.

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Why are you doing this to me?

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I didn't come here to drink
some soda with you guys.

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I came here to have a
couple of chugs of wine

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and then even worse if
they don't serve soda

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because they don't want their kids

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to accidentally open a Coca Cola

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and bounce off the fuckin' ceiling.

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You're stuck drinking a juice box.

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So I'm standing in the
corner talking to Martha

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about redoing her lawn and at
least if I had a glass of wine

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in my hand I could pretend
to care a little bit more.

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I'm out, this rose's really good.

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The dangers of rose is
it tastes really good

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and it goes down really fast.

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I like write a line on the
bottle when it's time to stop.

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Next is other people's kids.

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Your kid might be awesome,
like both my kids are awesome

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and I'm totally not even biased.

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I'll be the first to
say they're total butts

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but they're awesome.

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But when we're at a party

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we also have to deal with
everyone else's crappy kid.

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There's always one giant
kid in the bounce house

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and their parents are
never there watching them,

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they're always off in the
corner rambling to someone

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about their kitchen remodel or something.

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In the meantime, their old, big child

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is traumatizing all these two-year-olds

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by like bouncing super big

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and making them all fly off the walls

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and it's awkward to try to
tell off this nine-year-old,

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"Hey, can you not be an asshole?"

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On the other hand it makes you realize

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that those kids might be shitty

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not as shitty as I thought my kids were.

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(laughs)

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They're shitty but not as shitty

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as I thought my kids were

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What am I supposed to say?

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I will get this.

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Sometimes I will admit I think
my kids are totally shitty

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but at least they're not as
shitty as these other kids

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at this party.

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(bells)

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Next, something.

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I'm doin' okay.

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I need to slow down on the
wine a little bit, okay.

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And finally, hosting
there is so much pressure

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when you're hosting a birthday party

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to one-up the last person's party,

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to go on Pinterest

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and find everything that
you can make yourself.

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If it's not handmade it's
suddenly not as good.

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My attitude is to go to the 99 cent store

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and buy it and save some time.

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It's more like to please the parents,

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which really doesn't make any sense.

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I've never been satisfied

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from one my children's birthday parties.

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I've always ended the
birthday party thinking,

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"That was a disaster, that was awful."

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And then I look at my child,

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they don't care if their
cupcake tier was made by hand.

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They don't care if their
party favors were handmade.

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There's just so much joy
coming from their face,

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just like nothing but pure joy

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and that makes it completely worth it.

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So that's all I got for today.

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I'm Hannah, your friendly
neighborhood wine mom.

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We have another kids' birthday party

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to attend tomorrow, of course.

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I haven't wrapped the gift, of course.

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So I'm gonna turn this
nice chair into a comfy bed

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and pass right out with
my last two sips of wine.

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Until next time.

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(happy instrumental music)

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(belch)

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That was so bad.

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I don't know why they gurgle
every time they come out.