(happy instrumental music)
- Hi, I'm Hannah.
I'm your friendly neighborhood wine mom
and I don't remember why.
Hi, I'm Hannah, I'm your friendly neighborhood wine mom
and if you're anything like me
you believe that a glass of wine at nine PM
makes you a better mom.
So pour yourself a glass and let's talk.
But first, here's why I'm drinking tonight.
We were at my friend's one-year-old son's
birthday party last weekend and my four-year-old son Jackson
has just decided that he's not going to point
with this finger anymore.
I don't understand why.
He's four, he's been pointing like this his whole life.
Anyway, he goes up to the one-year-old's mom
and goes, "Hey, is is Noah one?"
Holding it up.
The mom is just like,
so cheers.
Rose tonight because this was a birthday present from my mom
and while we're on the topic of birthdays
let's talk about the best and worst things
of kids' birthday parties, about kids' birthday parties.
Disclaimer, there is not a lot of good.
Let's start this on a positive note
with some two really easy pros, pizza and cake.
Who doesn't love going to a kids' birthday party
and just being able to wolf down some greasy pizza
chasing it with like some awful-ingredient cake?
And I'm not talking about those artisan
like beet-colored, prune-sweetened cakes.
I'm talkin' like the sheet cake from the grocery store,
like pump that dye in there.
If my mouth isn't blue at the end you haven't done your job.
But on the other hand, there are some parents,
I don't know what kind of hell they crawled up from.
(laughing) I probably shouldn't say that.
They serve salad for the parents.
What possesses them to do this?
I'm not a rabbit attending your party.
I want the same greasy cheese bread as these children.
I want to shove my face full of carbs and fat.
I don't want leaves and nuts and berries and shit.
Pro tip, if.
(mumbles)
Pro tip put a billion pieces of pizza on your kid's plate
'cause you know eventually after the third piece
they're gonna be like, "Oh my god, I can't."
And then when they can't finish it be like,
"Oh, I don't wanna waste it."
And then you don't have to be stuck with your wimpy salad.
(happy instrumental music)
I'm drinking this kinda fast.
Next, alcohol, there are some parents
probably the same parents who serve salad
to the other parents who don't serve booze at their party.
Why are you doing this to me?
I didn't come here to drink some soda with you guys.
I came here to have a couple of chugs of wine
and then even worse if they don't serve soda
because they don't want their kids
to accidentally open a Coca Cola
and bounce off the fuckin' ceiling.
You're stuck drinking a juice box.
So I'm standing in the corner talking to Martha
about redoing her lawn and at least if I had a glass of wine
in my hand I could pretend to care a little bit more.
I'm out, this rose's really good.
The dangers of rose is it tastes really good
and it goes down really fast.
I like write a line on the bottle when it's time to stop.
Next is other people's kids.
Your kid might be awesome, like both my kids are awesome
and I'm totally not even biased.
I'll be the first to say they're total butts
but they're awesome.
But when we're at a party
we also have to deal with everyone else's crappy kid.
There's always one giant kid in the bounce house
and their parents are never there watching them,
they're always off in the corner rambling to someone
about their kitchen remodel or something.
In the meantime, their old, big child
is traumatizing all these two-year-olds
by like bouncing super big
and making them all fly off the walls
and it's awkward to try to tell off this nine-year-old,
"Hey, can you not be an asshole?"
On the other hand it makes you realize
that those kids might be shitty
not as shitty as I thought my kids were.
(laughs)
They're shitty but not as shitty
as I thought my kids were
What am I supposed to say?
I will get this.
Sometimes I will admit I think my kids are totally shitty
but at least they're not as shitty as these other kids
at this party.
(bells)
Next, something.
I'm doin' okay.
I need to slow down on the wine a little bit, okay.
And finally, hosting there is so much pressure
when you're hosting a birthday party
to one-up the last person's party,
to go on Pinterest
and find everything that you can make yourself.
If it's not handmade it's suddenly not as good.
My attitude is to go to the 99 cent store
and buy it and save some time.
It's more like to please the parents,
which really doesn't make any sense.
I've never been satisfied
from one my children's birthday parties.
I've always ended the birthday party thinking,
"That was a disaster, that was awful."
And then I look at my child,
they don't care if their cupcake tier was made by hand.
They don't care if their party favors were handmade.
There's just so much joy coming from their face,
just like nothing but pure joy
and that makes it completely worth it.
So that's all I got for today.
I'm Hannah, your friendly neighborhood wine mom.
We have another kids' birthday party
to attend tomorrow, of course.
I haven't wrapped the gift, of course.
So I'm gonna turn this nice chair into a comfy bed
and pass right out with my last two sips of wine.
Until next time.
(happy instrumental music)
(belch)
That was so bad.
I don't know why they gurgle every time they come out.