- Fall and pumpkins and Halloween
Got my poncho on because it's fall.
(slurping sound)
Mmmm.
Delicious.
(upbeat jazz music)
Hey everyone, my name is Matt Bellassai,
and this is Whine About It,
a weekly video series where I get drunk at my desk
and complain about stuff.
On this week's episode,
Reasons Why Fall Is The Worst.
Even though I know it's your favorite season.
You all jizz your pants for a venti pumpkin-spice latte
with extra (bleep) whip cream.
But guess what?
Fall blows a little bit.
It's all time we just admitted that to ourselves
and got on with our lives.
Let's drink.
(60s elevator music)
Cider, apple cider.
I think I need to add some rum.
But, people drink cider and rum.
It's a fall drink, it's a fall drink.
Rumcider.
Then you spin it around.
Alright.
(music continues)
Oh, that was a bad decision
but we have to live with it.
Alright, first of all,
let's just get this out of the way.
Pumpkin is a shit flavor.
Pumpkin was a flavor that was manufactured by Starbucks
to make people with furry Ugg boots
shit their yoga pants.
You know what pumpkin is?
A vegetable.
The thing you're all blowing your leafy loads over
is (bleep) damn vegetable juice
with a little bit of whipped spit on top of it.
Squash?
What the (bleep) is a squash?
All I know is
pumpkin tastes like if you put cinnamon
on a sandcastle.
Pumpkin is just, like, nature's genital wart.
Okay?
We all deal with it, we all deal with them.
Next, everybody's just insufferable during fall.
"Oh you wanna go watch the trees change color?"
That's what they say.
"You wanna go look at all the colorful
"folia-- flow-- floliage-- foliage?"
That's what I say.
"You wanna go sit by the fire
"and grip a mug with two hands,
"and talk about maple trees
"and squash patches
"and riding in the back of a tractor with hay
"driven by a guy in a flannel shirt named Burl?"
Enough.
E-nough.
Why don't you and your chunky Ralph Lauren scarf
go jump into a lake?
Go jump into a lake.
That's what I say.
Next!
Squirrels.
Okay, the squirrels are angriest in the fall
than they are in any other time of the year.
Cuz all they care about is getting their berries
and their acorns
and their pastries.
Yes, they do.
Squirrels love pastries.
As a matter of fact,
November 17th, 2012!
I baked myself a tray of delicious, warm, soft
Pillsbury sugar-cookies.
Baked them all by myself, I did.
I set them down on the table to cool off
and come back an hour later
and what do I see?
A massacre.
Crumbs everywhere.
All over the floor.
All over the table.
All over the ground, my cookies were.
Exhibit B!
This mother (bleep) sitting outside my window,
peepin' in with his mother (bleep) beady little eyes.
He knows.
He knows what he's doing.
Not believin' me yet?
You don't believe this squirrel did it?
Exhibit C!
One week later,
who do I find right outside my window again
with another pastry that he stole
from someone else's kitchen?
He brought it back, right to my window sill
just to taunt me.
Just to throw it in my face.
You think a summer squirrel would behave like this?
You think a spring squirrel would break into my apartment
and steal my homemade sugar-cookies?
No.
It's a fall squirrel.
They're (bleep) monsters.
Next, everyone want to go apple picking.
Why?
WHY?
You want me to pay $40 to drive to a (bleep) orchard
and pick wormy apples off the ground?
The only way you'll take me apple-picking
is if you drag my (bleep) corpse.
You might as well carry around my corpse.
You're gonna be carrying a (bleep) damn
bushel of apples.
Also, while we're on the subject of apples,
apple pie is disgusting.
Someone needs to say it.
I don't give a shit if you think
apple pie is delicious.
It's a bunch of hot, goopy, slimy, apple slices
that you just jammed into a dusty-ass crust.
And then everyone's like, "Oh, it's American.
"That's why you have to like it."
You know what's a better pie than apple pie?
Any (bleep) pie.
Any other pie is better than apple pie.
And finally,
everything is moist and muddy and rainy
all the time.
Fall is like the back room at a Taco Bell.
It's gloomy.
I feel wet for some reason.
I have no idea what (bleep) time it is.
And my boots are stuck in something
that looks a little bit like swamp water.
But, by all means,
cream your (bleep) jeans
because you saw an orange leaf.
That's what I'd say to everybody who's like,
"Oh, I love fall."
You can cover it up all you want
with your pumpkin-spice latte,
but you're still in the middle of a Taco Bell bathroom
with no idea what you're doing with your life.
Alright, everybody.
Thank you for watching this week.
As always, you can find new videos
every week at whineaboutit.tumblr.com,
my page which is facebook.com/buzzfeedmatt,
and you can find them on YouTube now
on BuzzFeedVideo.
You can look up Whine About It on BuzzFeed,
it'll be right there on YouTube.
That's it, that's everything, that's all of it.
(upbeat jazz music)
(cough) (gag)
Oh, god.
I always have a muffin.
(crunching sound)
It's my muffin.