WEBVTT
Kind: captions
Language: en

00:00:00.063 --> 00:00:04.701
- Fall and pumpkins and Halloween

00:00:04.701 --> 00:00:09.487
Got my poncho on because it's fall.

00:00:10.117 --> 00:00:13.146
(slurping sound)

00:00:13.146 --> 00:00:13.827
Mmmm.

00:00:15.537 --> 00:00:16.997
Delicious.

00:00:17.007 --> 00:00:20.901
(upbeat jazz music)

00:00:29.681 --> 00:00:31.199
Hey everyone, my name is Matt Bellassai,

00:00:31.199 --> 00:00:32.511
and this is Whine About It,

00:00:32.511 --> 00:00:35.135
a weekly video series where
I get drunk at my desk

00:00:35.135 --> 00:00:36.481
and complain about stuff.

00:00:36.481 --> 00:00:37.938
On this week's episode,

00:00:37.938 --> 00:00:40.313
Reasons Why Fall Is The Worst.

00:00:40.313 --> 00:00:42.986
Even though I know it's
your favorite season.

00:00:42.986 --> 00:00:46.396
You all jizz your pants for
a venti pumpkin-spice latte

00:00:46.396 --> 00:00:47.894
with extra (bleep) whip cream.

00:00:47.894 --> 00:00:48.776
But guess what?

00:00:48.776 --> 00:00:49.856
Fall blows a little bit.

00:00:49.856 --> 00:00:52.971
It's all time we just
admitted that to ourselves

00:00:52.971 --> 00:00:54.338
and got on with our lives.

00:00:54.338 --> 00:00:55.372
Let's drink.

00:00:55.372 --> 00:00:58.105
(60s elevator music)

00:01:02.635 --> 00:01:04.481
Cider, apple cider.

00:01:04.481 --> 00:01:05.859
I think I need to add some rum.

00:01:07.079 --> 00:01:09.220
But, people drink cider and rum.

00:01:09.220 --> 00:01:11.297
It's a fall drink, it's a fall drink.

00:01:14.023 --> 00:01:15.700
Rumcider.

00:01:21.143 --> 00:01:22.524
Then you spin it around.

00:01:22.524 --> 00:01:24.320
Alright.

00:01:24.980 --> 00:01:27.540
(music continues)

00:01:30.340 --> 00:01:32.290
Oh, that was a bad decision

00:01:32.290 --> 00:01:33.925
but we have to live with it.

00:01:33.925 --> 00:01:35.276
Alright, first of all,

00:01:35.276 --> 00:01:37.440
let's just get this out of the way.

00:01:37.440 --> 00:01:40.063
Pumpkin is a shit flavor.

00:01:40.063 --> 00:01:43.575
Pumpkin was a flavor that
was manufactured by Starbucks

00:01:43.575 --> 00:01:46.013
to make people with furry Ugg boots

00:01:46.013 --> 00:01:47.680
shit their yoga pants.

00:01:47.680 --> 00:01:48.724
You know what pumpkin is?

00:01:48.724 --> 00:01:49.734
A vegetable.

00:01:49.734 --> 00:01:52.985
The thing you're all blowing
your leafy loads over

00:01:52.985 --> 00:01:54.715
is (bleep) damn vegetable juice

00:01:54.715 --> 00:01:57.200
with a little bit of
whipped spit on top of it.

00:02:00.470 --> 00:02:02.005
Squash?

00:02:02.005 --> 00:02:03.961
What the (bleep) is a squash?

00:02:03.961 --> 00:02:04.670
All I know is

00:02:04.670 --> 00:02:06.734
pumpkin tastes like if you put cinnamon

00:02:06.734 --> 00:02:08.025
on a sandcastle.

00:02:08.025 --> 00:02:11.705
Pumpkin is just, like,
nature's genital wart.

00:02:11.705 --> 00:02:12.413
Okay?

00:02:12.413 --> 00:02:15.385
We all deal with it,
we all deal with them.

00:02:17.475 --> 00:02:20.820
Next, everybody's just
insufferable during fall.

00:02:20.820 --> 00:02:23.336
"Oh you wanna go watch
the trees change color?"

00:02:23.336 --> 00:02:24.357
That's what they say.

00:02:24.357 --> 00:02:26.318
"You wanna go look at all the colorful

00:02:26.318 --> 00:02:28.895
"folia-- flow-- floliage-- foliage?"

00:02:28.895 --> 00:02:29.854
That's what I say.

00:02:29.854 --> 00:02:31.476
"You wanna go sit by the fire

00:02:31.476 --> 00:02:33.388
"and grip a mug with two hands,

00:02:33.388 --> 00:02:34.991
"and talk about maple trees

00:02:34.991 --> 00:02:36.755
"and squash patches

00:02:36.755 --> 00:02:39.527
"and riding in the back
of a tractor with hay

00:02:39.527 --> 00:02:42.329
"driven by a guy in a
flannel shirt named Burl?"

00:02:42.329 --> 00:02:43.513
Enough.

00:02:43.513 --> 00:02:45.137
E-nough.

00:02:45.137 --> 00:02:48.241
Why don't you and your
chunky Ralph Lauren scarf

00:02:48.241 --> 00:02:50.251
go jump into a lake?

00:02:50.251 --> 00:02:52.731
Go jump into a lake.

00:02:52.731 --> 00:02:53.868
That's what I say.

00:02:53.868 --> 00:02:54.847
Next!

00:02:54.847 --> 00:02:55.981
Squirrels.

00:02:55.981 --> 00:02:58.942
Okay, the squirrels are
angriest in the fall

00:02:58.942 --> 00:03:01.212
than they are in any
other time of the year.

00:03:01.212 --> 00:03:03.421
Cuz all they care about
is getting their berries

00:03:03.421 --> 00:03:04.695
and their acorns

00:03:04.695 --> 00:03:06.157
and their pastries.

00:03:09.017 --> 00:03:09.924
Yes, they do.

00:03:09.924 --> 00:03:11.561
Squirrels love pastries.

00:03:14.240 --> 00:03:15.529
As a matter of fact,

00:03:15.529 --> 00:03:18.577
November 17th, 2012!

00:03:18.577 --> 00:03:21.689
I baked myself a tray
of delicious, warm, soft

00:03:21.689 --> 00:03:23.975
Pillsbury sugar-cookies.

00:03:23.975 --> 00:03:26.228
Baked them all by myself, I did.

00:03:26.228 --> 00:03:28.885
I set them down on the table to cool off

00:03:28.885 --> 00:03:30.835
and come back an hour later

00:03:30.835 --> 00:03:32.022
and what do I see?

00:03:32.022 --> 00:03:33.043
A massacre.

00:03:33.043 --> 00:03:34.785
Crumbs everywhere.

00:03:34.785 --> 00:03:35.842
All over the floor.

00:03:35.842 --> 00:03:37.359
All over the table.

00:03:37.359 --> 00:03:39.405
All over the ground, my cookies were.

00:03:39.405 --> 00:03:40.903
Exhibit B!

00:03:40.903 --> 00:03:43.872
This mother (bleep)
sitting outside my window,

00:03:43.872 --> 00:03:47.382
peepin' in with his mother
(bleep) beady little eyes.

00:03:47.382 --> 00:03:49.343
He knows.

00:03:49.343 --> 00:03:51.190
He knows what he's doing.

00:03:51.190 --> 00:03:52.572
Not believin' me yet?

00:03:52.572 --> 00:03:54.777
You don't believe this squirrel did it?

00:03:54.777 --> 00:03:56.784
Exhibit C!

00:03:56.784 --> 00:03:57.829
One week later,

00:03:57.829 --> 00:04:00.487
who do I find right
outside my window again

00:04:00.487 --> 00:04:02.326
with another pastry that he stole

00:04:02.326 --> 00:04:03.823
from someone else's kitchen?

00:04:03.823 --> 00:04:05.565
He brought it back,
right to my window sill

00:04:05.565 --> 00:04:06.784
just to taunt me.

00:04:06.784 --> 00:04:09.551
Just to throw it in my face.

00:04:09.551 --> 00:04:11.869
You think a summer squirrel
would behave like this?

00:04:11.869 --> 00:04:14.609
You think a spring squirrel
would break into my apartment

00:04:14.609 --> 00:04:16.641
and steal my homemade sugar-cookies?

00:04:16.641 --> 00:04:17.819
No.

00:04:17.819 --> 00:04:19.412
It's a fall squirrel.

00:04:19.412 --> 00:04:21.017
They're (bleep) monsters.

00:04:21.017 --> 00:04:23.437
Next, everyone want to go apple picking.

00:04:23.437 --> 00:04:24.121
Why?

00:04:24.121 --> 00:04:25.282
WHY?

00:04:25.282 --> 00:04:28.672
You want me to pay $40 to
drive to a (bleep) orchard

00:04:28.672 --> 00:04:31.695
and pick wormy apples off the ground?

00:04:31.695 --> 00:04:33.673
The only way you'll take me apple-picking

00:04:33.673 --> 00:04:35.570
is if you drag my (bleep) corpse.

00:04:35.570 --> 00:04:37.693
You might as well carry around my corpse.

00:04:37.693 --> 00:04:39.341
You're gonna be carrying a (bleep) damn

00:04:39.341 --> 00:04:40.724
bushel of apples.

00:04:40.724 --> 00:04:43.392
Also, while we're on
the subject of apples,

00:04:43.392 --> 00:04:45.773
apple pie is disgusting.

00:04:45.773 --> 00:04:47.277
Someone needs to say it.

00:04:47.277 --> 00:04:48.482
I don't give a shit if you think

00:04:48.482 --> 00:04:50.306
apple pie is delicious.

00:04:50.306 --> 00:04:53.830
It's a bunch of hot,
goopy, slimy, apple slices

00:04:53.830 --> 00:04:56.737
that you just jammed
into a dusty-ass crust.

00:04:56.737 --> 00:04:59.012
And then everyone's
like, "Oh, it's American.

00:04:59.012 --> 00:05:00.616
"That's why you have to like it."

00:05:00.616 --> 00:05:02.831
You know what's a better
pie than apple pie?

00:05:02.831 --> 00:05:04.302
Any (bleep) pie.

00:05:04.302 --> 00:05:06.810
Any other pie is better than apple pie.

00:05:06.810 --> 00:05:07.973
And finally,

00:05:07.973 --> 00:05:10.650
everything is moist and muddy and rainy

00:05:10.650 --> 00:05:11.791
all the time.

00:05:11.791 --> 00:05:15.278
Fall is like the back room at a Taco Bell.

00:05:15.278 --> 00:05:16.742
It's gloomy.

00:05:16.742 --> 00:05:18.958
I feel wet for some reason.

00:05:18.958 --> 00:05:21.029
I have no idea what (bleep) time it is.

00:05:21.029 --> 00:05:22.990
And my boots are stuck in something

00:05:22.990 --> 00:05:25.778
that looks a little bit like swamp water.

00:05:25.778 --> 00:05:27.377
But, by all means,

00:05:27.377 --> 00:05:29.005
cream your (bleep) jeans

00:05:29.005 --> 00:05:30.885
because you saw an orange leaf.

00:05:30.885 --> 00:05:33.886
That's what I'd say to
everybody who's like,

00:05:33.886 --> 00:05:35.760
"Oh, I love fall."

00:05:35.760 --> 00:05:37.247
You can cover it up all you want

00:05:37.247 --> 00:05:39.095
with your pumpkin-spice latte,

00:05:39.095 --> 00:05:41.778
but you're still in the
middle of a Taco Bell bathroom

00:05:41.778 --> 00:05:43.594
with no idea what you're
doing with your life.

00:05:45.884 --> 00:05:48.207
Alright, everybody.

00:05:48.207 --> 00:05:49.906
Thank you for watching this week.

00:05:49.906 --> 00:05:51.919
As always, you can find new videos

00:05:51.919 --> 00:05:55.284
every week at whineaboutit.tumblr.com,

00:05:55.284 --> 00:06:00.099
my page which is
facebook.com/buzzfeedmatt,

00:06:00.099 --> 00:06:02.850
and you can find them on YouTube now

00:06:02.850 --> 00:06:04.359
on BuzzFeedVideo.

00:06:04.359 --> 00:06:06.823
You can look up Whine
About It on BuzzFeed,

00:06:06.823 --> 00:06:09.343
it'll be right there on YouTube.

00:06:09.343 --> 00:06:12.254
That's it, that's
everything, that's all of it.

00:06:12.254 --> 00:06:14.750
(upbeat jazz music)

00:06:17.720 --> 00:06:19.183
(cough) (gag)

00:06:19.183 --> 00:06:20.587
Oh, god.

00:06:24.999 --> 00:06:26.160
I always have a muffin.

00:06:26.160 --> 00:06:28.783
(crunching sound)

00:06:28.783 --> 00:06:29.794
It's my muffin.