WEBVTT
Kind: captions
Language: en

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- I'll be the greatest president.

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I'm gonna be huge.

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Daniel Trunk.

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Donald Chump.

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It's gonna be huge.

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It's gonna be huge.

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Huge!

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Hu-

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♫Whine about it

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♫Whine about it

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♫Whine about it

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♫Whine about it ♫

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Hey everyone.

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My name is Matt Bellassai

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and welcome to the
first snazzy new episode

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of season two of Whine About It.

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For those of you who don't know,

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Whine About It is a weekly video series

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where I get drunk in my desk

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and complain about stuff

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and on this, the first episode
of our brand new season

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today's topic is,

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the worst things about Halloween.

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Let's drink.

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(music)

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(gasping)

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Oh my god.

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I'm not gonna mess around his season.

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We're gonna get right into it.

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(music)

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OK.

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OK.

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Alright, first of all,
Halloween encourages children

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to be bigger piles of hot
garbage than they already are.

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What kind of shit holiday teaches children

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it's OK to come to my door
and ask for free food.

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Any other day, if a kid
came to my door asking

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for candy dressed as a monster,

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I'd mace 'em right in the face.

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Right in the chubby little face.

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I don't care how old you are.

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You want candy, why don't you get a job.

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Then you go down to the CVS

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and look the cashier right in the face

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while you buy a whole bag of
jumbo Kit Kats for yourself.

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Alright? That's how adults get candy.

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Why don't you try that instead.

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Next, bite-sized candy.

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Whoever invented bite-sized
candy probably invented

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a whole bunch of other
disappointing things

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like four inch dildos

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or grapes with the seeds in them still

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or Switzerland.

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What's the point?

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Look at this.

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What kind of hole is this gonna fill?

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Huh?

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Not this one.

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Not today.

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Give your big candy bar

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and I will show you
something real special.

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Then there's all these old ladies

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who give out pennies or
fruit instead of candy.

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If you're not going to give out candy,

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you need to move up on the
free food hierarchy, not down.

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How about a nice glazed ham

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with side of mashed sweet potatoes.

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Huh? Have you even thought about that?

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Instead of your penny.

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How about a warm jambalaya?

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(bleep sound)

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your apple.

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If I wanted an apple,
I'd go down to the barn

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steal from the horses.

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That's where I get my apples from.

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Next, Halloween parties.

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Halloween parties are as
wet, disgusting, sweaty,

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thigh-slamming messes.

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Everybody used to dress like
Spiderman, little princesses

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and now look at everyone.

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All everyone does is get drunk and sweaty

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and try to get their Tootsie Rolls

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to tickle some Laffy Taffys.

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Just rubbing around their pieces of candy

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around one another.

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If I wanted to watch Dora The Explorer,

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grind upon Spongebob Squarepants,

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I'd go right on the internet.

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You find that, you find
that right on the internet.

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Alright? I've seen it.

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I don't need to see that in person.

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That's disgusting.

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Also, bros who try too hard

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to show off their
glistening tan meat bags.

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Alright we get it.

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You drank a protein shake once.

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But if I see one more
fraternity brother dressed as

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that guy from 300,

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just so he could just
show off his left pec,

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I'll take out my earrings

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and I'll slap a bitch
right across the face.

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That is Sparta.

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And finally, candy corn.

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Candy corn is Satan's hardened earwax.

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The only people who like
candy corn are people

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who eat hard-boiled eggs

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with a little bit of
the shell on them still.

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That's the kind of people
who eat candy corn.

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The people who bring
candy corn into our office

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like it's some kind of
good delicious treat

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when it's not.

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(woman screaming)

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I don't want your candy corn.

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Don't ever bring this
into our office again.

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Ugh!

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Alright everybody.

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Thank you for watching this week.

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As always, you can find
our videos every week

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at our Whine About It dot Tumblr dot com

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and my page which is Facebook
dot com slash BuzzFeed Matt

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and that's it.

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That's everything.

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♫Whine about it

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Have a happy Halloween.

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♫Whine about it

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♫Whine about it

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♫Whine about it ♫

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(coughing)

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♫It's Halloween. It's Halloween

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♫Everybody gets Halloween ♫

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(laughing)