WEBVTT Kind: captions Language: en 00:00:00.208 --> 00:00:02.135 - Trust me, if I go back to the past, 00:00:02.135 --> 00:00:03.609 I better put on my Nikes. 00:00:03.609 --> 00:00:08.281 'Cause I think I'm gonna be runnin' for a long fucking time. 00:00:08.281 --> 00:00:09.739 - Time travel. Not possible. 00:00:09.739 --> 00:00:11.016 But imagine if it were. 00:00:11.016 --> 00:00:12.397 You could hang out with a bunch of hot robots 00:00:12.397 --> 00:00:14.603 on a space cruise to the rings of Saturn. 00:00:14.603 --> 00:00:17.180 Or, travel to the past and freak out a bunch of cave men 00:00:17.180 --> 00:00:18.782 by showing them a weird modern invention, 00:00:18.782 --> 00:00:21.324 like, I don't know, a Rubik's cube. 00:00:21.324 --> 00:00:22.114 Time travel. 00:00:22.114 --> 00:00:23.124 Past versus future. 00:00:23.124 --> 00:00:24.651 It's debatable. 00:00:24.652 --> 00:00:28.296 (space music) 00:00:29.358 --> 00:00:31.378 - I think I am going to go to the past. 00:00:31.378 --> 00:00:32.760 - I would be going to the future. 00:00:32.760 --> 00:00:33.665 - I'm going to the past. 00:00:33.665 --> 00:00:34.884 - And I wanna go to the future. 00:00:34.884 --> 00:00:35.708 - I'm for the past. 00:00:35.708 --> 00:00:37.101 - And I am for the future. 00:00:37.101 --> 00:00:38.622 - I'm a blast from the past. 00:00:38.622 --> 00:00:40.607 - I'm for the future. 00:00:40.607 --> 00:00:43.000 (exciting music) 00:00:43.000 --> 00:00:45.750 - What past thing would you really want to see? 00:00:45.750 --> 00:00:48.187 - You can relive old conversations. 00:00:48.187 --> 00:00:49.835 You can -- 00:00:49.835 --> 00:00:50.407 - Weak. 00:00:50.407 --> 00:00:51.897 - You can be like, ruler of the world, dude. 00:00:51.897 --> 00:00:53.418 You just go back like a thousand years, 00:00:53.418 --> 00:00:54.997 with like a tech nine or something. 00:00:54.997 --> 00:00:56.366 - Downton Abbey is at the top of my list. 00:00:56.366 --> 00:00:57.694 - Why do you wanna go to Downton Abbey? 00:00:57.694 --> 00:00:58.362 - I just love Downton Abbey. 00:00:58.362 --> 00:00:59.523 - I would fall asleep in their house, 00:00:59.523 --> 00:01:01.334 just like I fall asleep in my house when I watch it. 00:01:01.334 --> 00:01:02.970 - You can go to the Middle Ages. 00:01:02.970 --> 00:01:04.352 - Well, lucky you, then. 00:01:04.352 --> 00:01:06.337 - I feel like I could end racism if I could go to the past 00:01:06.337 --> 00:01:07.556 and come back to the future. 00:01:07.556 --> 00:01:09.622 I'm gonna go back, and I'm gonna have sex 00:01:09.622 --> 00:01:11.619 with every fucking race possible, 00:01:11.619 --> 00:01:12.919 and when I come back here, 00:01:12.919 --> 00:01:13.895 everyone's gonna be gray. 00:01:13.895 --> 00:01:16.518 - So, would you go back to, like, a thousand humans? 00:01:16.518 --> 00:01:17.923 Make everybody kind of look the same? 00:01:17.923 --> 00:01:19.420 - Yeah, I wanna go back to a thousand humans. 00:01:19.420 --> 00:01:20.557 I wanna know what they were doing. 00:01:20.557 --> 00:01:21.882 - They were just fucking and eating. 00:01:21.882 --> 00:01:23.437 - They're gonna freak out when you arrive. 00:01:23.437 --> 00:01:24.354 - They're not that different. 00:01:24.354 --> 00:01:26.281 - They're gonna be like, "Where are you from?" 00:01:26.281 --> 00:01:28.754 - I would love to be one of those guys 00:01:28.754 --> 00:01:32.156 that poops and then it goes down a chimney, 00:01:32.156 --> 00:01:34.454 because that's what they did in castle ages. 00:01:34.454 --> 00:01:37.159 - I wouldn't go back to First Century A.D. Israel 00:01:37.159 --> 00:01:39.397 and meet Jesus, because I can't talk to him. 00:01:39.397 --> 00:01:41.106 Probably gonna stone me for something. 00:01:41.106 --> 00:01:41.884 - Jesus? 00:01:41.884 --> 00:01:42.893 - No, not Jesus himself. 00:01:42.893 --> 00:01:44.611 But everybody was stoning everybody for everything 00:01:44.611 --> 00:01:45.784 back then, I feel like. 00:01:45.784 --> 00:01:47.746 - And, maybe the Big Bang would be cool. 00:01:47.746 --> 00:01:48.768 - The Big Bang? - [Woman] If I could just 00:01:48.768 --> 00:01:49.790 stand on the outside. 00:01:49.790 --> 00:01:51.031 - Oxygen doesn't exist! 00:01:51.031 --> 00:01:52.691 - You could even experience the '60's. 00:01:52.691 --> 00:01:55.628 - No, would you agree, I'm black, right? 00:01:55.628 --> 00:01:57.312 - Yes, I would agree. 00:01:57.312 --> 00:02:01.317 - The '60's, nah, I'm good. 00:02:01.317 --> 00:02:03.419 - You can fix anything by going to the past. 00:02:03.419 --> 00:02:05.299 - Boring. 00:02:05.299 --> 00:02:08.701 - You've heard of butterfly's crazy? 00:02:08.701 --> 00:02:10.361 - You heard of butterfly effect? 00:02:10.361 --> 00:02:11.556 - Yeah, that's where I was going. 00:02:11.556 --> 00:02:12.683 - [Guy in hat] Oh, word, word, word. 00:02:12.683 --> 00:02:13.785 - The past is set in stone. 00:02:13.785 --> 00:02:15.039 You change that, all the sudden the stone 00:02:15.039 --> 00:02:16.443 just starts shifting up. 00:02:16.443 --> 00:02:17.558 - Yeah, but if you mess it up, dude, 00:02:17.558 --> 00:02:19.160 you just go back and do it again. 00:02:19.160 --> 00:02:22.121 - Irresponsible. (clapping) 00:02:22.121 --> 00:02:23.362 - Now, if you go back in time and punch Hitler, 00:02:23.362 --> 00:02:24.257 you're gonna change a lot of things. 00:02:24.257 --> 00:02:25.754 And I think actually going back in time to punch Hitler 00:02:25.754 --> 00:02:28.261 sounds good, it's a lot of people's first thought. 00:02:28.261 --> 00:02:29.921 - Who wouldn't wanna stop Hitler 00:02:29.921 --> 00:02:31.814 before he killed a bunch of people? 00:02:31.814 --> 00:02:33.213 - Ned's gonna stop Hitler. 00:02:33.213 --> 00:02:34.967 - Oh, I'll go back in time and kill him when he was a baby. 00:02:34.967 --> 00:02:36.116 How are you gonna find Baby Hitler? 00:02:36.116 --> 00:02:37.253 - He doesn't have the mustache, yet. 00:02:37.253 --> 00:02:38.368 He's pretty much just a baby. 00:02:38.368 --> 00:02:40.748 - Hey, I could save Tupac, on my God, dude. 00:02:40.748 --> 00:02:42.675 - Tupac died when he was on top. 00:02:42.675 --> 00:02:45.508 If Tupac would've stayed alive, 00:02:45.508 --> 00:02:47.087 I hate to tell you, but he's featured on the next 00:02:47.087 --> 00:02:48.293 Black Eyed Peas album. 00:02:48.293 --> 00:02:49.372 - Hey, hey, hey. - [Guy in hoodie] He is! 00:02:49.372 --> 00:02:52.723 (energetic music) 00:02:52.723 --> 00:02:55.108 - First off, I don't live in the past, all right? 00:02:55.108 --> 00:02:56.629 I'm all about seeing what's next. 00:02:56.629 --> 00:02:58.033 - We have no idea what's going on. 00:02:58.033 --> 00:03:01.226 If you want new knowledge, go to the future. 00:03:01.226 --> 00:03:02.294 - You don't have to go in the past. 00:03:02.294 --> 00:03:03.850 You can just go read a fucking book 00:03:03.850 --> 00:03:04.709 and be like, okay, 00:03:04.709 --> 00:03:06.125 and this guy kills this guy. 00:03:06.125 --> 00:03:07.727 This town didn't have good water. 00:03:07.727 --> 00:03:09.294 - The future's the shit. 00:03:09.294 --> 00:03:11.384 Microwave your food and shit. 00:03:11.384 --> 00:03:13.032 People are living longer. 00:03:13.032 --> 00:03:15.052 Ah fuck, planes. 00:03:15.052 --> 00:03:16.991 - You go to the past, you choose one thing, 00:03:16.991 --> 00:03:18.025 and it's changed forever. 00:03:18.025 --> 00:03:20.045 I go to the future, and it's just me, like, 00:03:20.045 --> 00:03:22.552 going to Disneyland, just checking things out. 00:03:22.552 --> 00:03:24.468 What, Ryan Seacrest is our President? 00:03:24.468 --> 00:03:25.687 This is crazy. 00:03:25.687 --> 00:03:27.103 - You get a perspective. 00:03:27.103 --> 00:03:28.170 Like, what if you go to the future. 00:03:28.170 --> 00:03:30.202 It's a dystopian hellscape. 00:03:30.202 --> 00:03:31.387 And then you come back and you're just like, 00:03:31.387 --> 00:03:34.324 "Oh, I guess it doesn't really matter that it's a Monday." 00:03:34.324 --> 00:03:36.111 - I also like the idea of going to the future, 00:03:36.111 --> 00:03:37.550 you bring stuff back. 00:03:37.550 --> 00:03:38.863 - I'm gonna go to the future and try to figure out 00:03:38.863 --> 00:03:40.105 how to cure cancer. 00:03:40.105 --> 00:03:43.149 - I can just bring back like a robotic 30-inch dick. 00:03:43.149 --> 00:03:45.830 - That's how we defeat cancer, that's kind of easy. 00:03:45.830 --> 00:03:47.049 How do we not think about it. 00:03:47.049 --> 00:03:48.512 I'm bringing it to 2016. 00:03:48.512 --> 00:03:51.274 - A 30-inch dick is too big, no one will want that. 00:03:51.274 --> 00:03:54.270 Not until there's like a 30-inch receiving vagina. 00:03:54.270 --> 00:03:56.046 - And they say, "Zach, you're a hero." 00:03:56.046 --> 00:03:58.391 And I say, "Hey, no, this isn't me." 00:03:58.391 --> 00:03:59.285 See this? 00:03:59.285 --> 00:04:00.504 And I disappear into the shadows. 00:04:00.504 --> 00:04:02.686 - It would operate like a collapsible vagina. 00:04:02.686 --> 00:04:03.951 - Vaginas go the other direction. 00:04:03.951 --> 00:04:05.426 You can't just build a robot vagina. 00:04:05.426 --> 00:04:08.386 - Goodness gracious, get me to the future right now. 00:04:08.386 --> 00:04:10.685 I'll buy a one-way ticket and not come back. 00:04:10.685 --> 00:04:12.183 - What about your friends and family? 00:04:12.183 --> 00:04:14.586 - People living longer, we'd would be way better off then, 00:04:14.586 --> 00:04:16.106 so they'll probably be chilling 00:04:16.106 --> 00:04:17.453 in the Caribbean and Trinidad, 00:04:17.453 --> 00:04:18.846 listening to steel drums. 00:04:18.846 --> 00:04:22.085 - I could also go to the past and chill in the Caribbean. 00:04:22.085 --> 00:04:23.525 - What if you ran into yourself? 00:04:23.525 --> 00:04:24.627 You can still cause problems. 00:04:24.627 --> 00:04:25.765 You still gotta be responsible. 00:04:25.765 --> 00:04:26.612 - If I ran into myself, I'd be like, 00:04:26.612 --> 00:04:27.507 "Yo, what up, baby?" 00:04:27.507 --> 00:04:29.306 And he's be all, "Yo, I knew you was coming." 00:04:29.306 --> 00:04:30.722 - You've changed the future, you've changed yourself, bro. 00:04:30.722 --> 00:04:31.906 - For the better. 00:04:31.906 --> 00:04:33.310 - I would change for the better in the past, too, man. 00:04:33.310 --> 00:04:34.565 Gray people. 00:04:34.565 --> 00:04:36.202 - Okay, here's the gray people again. 00:04:36.202 --> 00:04:39.162 - Oh, imagine what future sex looks like. 00:04:39.162 --> 00:04:40.601 Is that what Keith was talking about, 00:04:40.601 --> 00:04:42.110 that giant dick thing? 00:04:42.110 --> 00:04:44.211 - What's the future gonna be like, some sterile environment 00:04:44.211 --> 00:04:46.951 where they pump your semen into a tube 00:04:46.951 --> 00:04:48.623 and then make a baby? 00:04:48.623 --> 00:04:51.560 - A dystopian future probably looks way better 00:04:51.560 --> 00:04:53.325 than any day in the past. 00:04:53.325 --> 00:04:57.966 Point blank period, bomb, no comma. 00:04:57.966 --> 00:05:00.244 - You can't just say punctuation, Nick, 00:05:00.244 --> 00:05:01.683 and expect it to improve your argument. 00:05:01.683 --> 00:05:04.758 (space music) 00:05:04.758 --> 00:05:07.358 - We know what the past had for us. 00:05:07.358 --> 00:05:09.530 A lot of bad stuff that we've improved upon. 00:05:09.530 --> 00:05:11.515 We don't know what the future holds for us. 00:05:11.515 --> 00:05:13.476 - Maybe it's good, maybe it's bad, 00:05:13.476 --> 00:05:16.402 but the past, I love going to museums. 00:05:16.402 --> 00:05:18.341 - I'm done living in the past. 00:05:18.341 --> 00:05:20.442 I'm all about the future. 00:05:20.442 --> 00:05:22.206 Come with me. 00:05:22.206 --> 00:05:23.403 - Maybe it would be better just to stay here. 00:05:23.403 --> 00:05:24.343 - The present is good. 00:05:24.343 --> 00:05:26.525 - If the present is good now, it's good. 00:05:26.525 --> 00:05:27.640 There's good pizza. 00:05:27.640 --> 00:05:28.963 - We got Wikipedia. 00:05:28.963 --> 00:05:30.542 And we can watch Downton Abbey. 00:05:30.542 --> 00:05:32.260 - Yeah, and that's probably better than going. 00:05:32.260 --> 00:05:33.664 Because it would just be a bunch of people sweeping. 00:05:33.664 --> 00:05:37.969 (space music) 00:05:39.237 --> 00:05:41.129 - The past smelled terrible. 00:05:41.129 --> 00:05:43.172 There's my dead relative's body 00:05:43.172 --> 00:05:44.682 rotting there in the street. 00:05:44.682 --> 00:05:47.387 Also, every horse has taken a shit on him. 00:05:47.387 --> 00:05:49.522 Also, I, too, have taken a shit next to where 00:05:49.522 --> 00:05:50.923 those horses were shitting.