- Trust me, if I go back to the past,
I better put on my Nikes.
'Cause I think I'm gonna be runnin' for a long fucking time.
- Time travel. Not possible.
But imagine if it were.
You could hang out with a bunch of hot robots
on a space cruise to the rings of Saturn.
Or, travel to the past and freak out a bunch of cave men
by showing them a weird modern invention,
like, I don't know, a Rubik's cube.
Time travel.
Past versus future.
It's debatable.
(space music)
- I think I am going to go to the past.
- I would be going to the future.
- I'm going to the past.
- And I wanna go to the future.
- I'm for the past.
- And I am for the future.
- I'm a blast from the past.
- I'm for the future.
(exciting music)
- What past thing would you really want to see?
- You can relive old conversations.
You can --
- Weak.
- You can be like, ruler of the world, dude.
You just go back like a thousand years,
with like a tech nine or something.
- Downton Abbey is at the top of my list.
- Why do you wanna go to Downton Abbey?
- I just love Downton Abbey.
- I would fall asleep in their house,
just like I fall asleep in my house when I watch it.
- You can go to the Middle Ages.
- Well, lucky you, then.
- I feel like I could end racism if I could go to the past
and come back to the future.
I'm gonna go back, and I'm gonna have sex
with every fucking race possible,
and when I come back here,
everyone's gonna be gray.
- So, would you go back to, like, a thousand humans?
Make everybody kind of look the same?
- Yeah, I wanna go back to a thousand humans.
I wanna know what they were doing.
- They were just fucking and eating.
- They're gonna freak out when you arrive.
- They're not that different.
- They're gonna be like, "Where are you from?"
- I would love to be one of those guys
that poops and then it goes down a chimney,
because that's what they did in castle ages.
- I wouldn't go back to First Century A.D. Israel
and meet Jesus, because I can't talk to him.
Probably gonna stone me for something.
- Jesus?
- No, not Jesus himself.
But everybody was stoning everybody for everything
back then, I feel like.
- And, maybe the Big Bang would be cool.
- The Big Bang? - [Woman] If I could just
stand on the outside.
- Oxygen doesn't exist!
- You could even experience the '60's.
- No, would you agree, I'm black, right?
- Yes, I would agree.
- The '60's, nah, I'm good.
- You can fix anything by going to the past.
- Boring.
- You've heard of butterfly's crazy?
- You heard of butterfly effect?
- Yeah, that's where I was going.
- [Guy in hat] Oh, word, word, word.
- The past is set in stone.
You change that, all the sudden the stone
just starts shifting up.
- Yeah, but if you mess it up, dude,
you just go back and do it again.
- Irresponsible. (clapping)
- Now, if you go back in time and punch Hitler,
you're gonna change a lot of things.
And I think actually going back in time to punch Hitler
sounds good, it's a lot of people's first thought.
- Who wouldn't wanna stop Hitler
before he killed a bunch of people?
- Ned's gonna stop Hitler.
- Oh, I'll go back in time and kill him when he was a baby.
How are you gonna find Baby Hitler?
- He doesn't have the mustache, yet.
He's pretty much just a baby.
- Hey, I could save Tupac, on my God, dude.
- Tupac died when he was on top.
If Tupac would've stayed alive,
I hate to tell you, but he's featured on the next
Black Eyed Peas album.
- Hey, hey, hey. - [Guy in hoodie] He is!
(energetic music)
- First off, I don't live in the past, all right?
I'm all about seeing what's next.
- We have no idea what's going on.
If you want new knowledge, go to the future.
- You don't have to go in the past.
You can just go read a fucking book
and be like, okay,
and this guy kills this guy.
This town didn't have good water.
- The future's the shit.
Microwave your food and shit.
People are living longer.
Ah fuck, planes.
- You go to the past, you choose one thing,
and it's changed forever.
I go to the future, and it's just me, like,
going to Disneyland, just checking things out.
What, Ryan Seacrest is our President?
This is crazy.
- You get a perspective.
Like, what if you go to the future.
It's a dystopian hellscape.
And then you come back and you're just like,
"Oh, I guess it doesn't really matter that it's a Monday."
- I also like the idea of going to the future,
you bring stuff back.
- I'm gonna go to the future and try to figure out
how to cure cancer.
- I can just bring back like a robotic 30-inch dick.
- That's how we defeat cancer, that's kind of easy.
How do we not think about it.
I'm bringing it to 2016.
- A 30-inch dick is too big, no one will want that.
Not until there's like a 30-inch receiving vagina.
- And they say, "Zach, you're a hero."
And I say, "Hey, no, this isn't me."
See this?
And I disappear into the shadows.
- It would operate like a collapsible vagina.
- Vaginas go the other direction.
You can't just build a robot vagina.
- Goodness gracious, get me to the future right now.
I'll buy a one-way ticket and not come back.
- What about your friends and family?
- People living longer, we'd would be way better off then,
so they'll probably be chilling
in the Caribbean and Trinidad,
listening to steel drums.
- I could also go to the past and chill in the Caribbean.
- What if you ran into yourself?
You can still cause problems.
You still gotta be responsible.
- If I ran into myself, I'd be like,
"Yo, what up, baby?"
And he's be all, "Yo, I knew you was coming."
- You've changed the future, you've changed yourself, bro.
- For the better.
- I would change for the better in the past, too, man.
Gray people.
- Okay, here's the gray people again.
- Oh, imagine what future sex looks like.
Is that what Keith was talking about,
that giant dick thing?
- What's the future gonna be like, some sterile environment
where they pump your semen into a tube
and then make a baby?
- A dystopian future probably looks way better
than any day in the past.
Point blank period, bomb, no comma.
- You can't just say punctuation, Nick,
and expect it to improve your argument.
(space music)
- We know what the past had for us.
A lot of bad stuff that we've improved upon.
We don't know what the future holds for us.
- Maybe it's good, maybe it's bad,
but the past, I love going to museums.
- I'm done living in the past.
I'm all about the future.
Come with me.
- Maybe it would be better just to stay here.
- The present is good.
- If the present is good now, it's good.
There's good pizza.
- We got Wikipedia.
And we can watch Downton Abbey.
- Yeah, and that's probably better than going.
Because it would just be a bunch of people sweeping.
(space music)
- The past smelled terrible.
There's my dead relative's body
rotting there in the street.
Also, every horse has taken a shit on him.
Also, I, too, have taken a shit next to where
those horses were shitting.