WEBVTT
Kind: captions
Language: en

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- I'm so full.

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But I can't stop now.

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♫ Wine about it

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♫ Wine about it

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♫ Wine about it

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♫ Whine about it ♫

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Hey everyone, my name is Matt Bellassai

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and this is Whine About It,

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a weekly video series where
I get drunk at my desk

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and complain about stuff.

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And on this very special holiday edition,

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our topic is "Ways to Win
at Thanksgiving Dinner".

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Because Thanksgiving is
more than just a holiday,

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it is a test of spirit.

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And I'm not about to lose this shit.

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So let's drink.

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(upbeat music)

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Can't spill on my fancy sweater.

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I paid $40 for this
sweater. Can't ruin it.

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Oh, boy.

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Alright, first. Thanksgiving rule #1.

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If you stop eating after
one plate, you are losing.

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The food on your plate should be one

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mountainous heap of glory,

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and if you stop at one food
mountain, you've given up.

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You think the pilgrims
stopped at one food mountain?

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They didn't.

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The pilgrims didn't stop for anything.

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They probably should have,

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because they killed a bunch of people.

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Second, Thanksgivin' is
not a time for chewing.

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Thanksgiving is a time for
dippin' everything in gravy,

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and just sliding it right down there.

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Everyone's always like "Matt,
why don't you slow down?

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We can hear you struggling to breathe."

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This turkey didn't sacrifice
his life for me to slow down.

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This turkey sacrificed his life

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so that I could take his left leg,

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dip it in some sweet mashed potatoes,

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and then shove it right past my tonsils.

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I don't have to take it
slow. Just go right in.

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Next, every time your drunk,

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racist uncle mentions Donald Trump,

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take one big deep breath,

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and then scream. Violently.

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Into the soft comfort of
a warm butter potato roll.

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Racist uncles can't ruin your Thanksgiving

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if you're screamin' into
a warm butter potato roll.

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Donald Trump can't find you there, either.

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Just scream it out,
that's what I always say.

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Also, every time someone mentions

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that they're having a (bleep) baby,

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or getting married, or
they got a job promotion,

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take a big old shot of gravy.

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'Cause I'd rather my
arteries clog up right now,

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than to listen to a list

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of your shit accomplishments
for a single second.

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Guess what I did this year.

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(bleep) nothin'.

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You hear me bragging about it?

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I'm not here to hear about your shit life.

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I'm here to eat until I
can't see colors anymore.

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Next!

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Unless a salad is creamy,
buttery, and cheese-based,

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it has no place getting
stuffed in this gullet.

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Givin' someone a salad on Thanksgiving

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is like punchin' a baby,
right in its baby face.

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It may make you feel good, but
there's a time and a place.

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This is Thanksgiving!

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Thanksgiving is a time
for family, and friends,

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and swallowing foods that are made up

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of at least 50% mayonnaise.

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Not for your (bleep)
salad. I'll tell you that.

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Also, every time someone asks
if you're dating anybody,

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just meow like a hungry cat.

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They're always like "Matt, how's work?

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How's your apartment?
Are you seeing anybody?"

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I'm always like... (meows)

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Next!

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Do not, under any circumstances,
announce to the internet,

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that you think your cousin is hot.

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If you're thinking about
announcing, to the internet,

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that you think your cousin is hot,

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log off, take a good, hard,
long look in the mirror,

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and then never procreate with anybody.

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Related to you or otherwise.

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Next.

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Thanksgiving is the only time of the year

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where it is acceptable to wear gym shorts.

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Because eating is the only
sport worth sweating for.

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I walk in that feast and
I'm ready to throw down.

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And get wrecked.

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Also remember, anything is a
napkin if you try hard enough.

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Alright? It'll come to
you. When you need it.

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Finally, if anybody stops you from having

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the best Thanksgiving of your life,

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you just be like one of those floats

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in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

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Fat, happy, and blissfully unaware

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of all the crazy mother(bleep)ers
screamin' around you.

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That's how I spend my Thanksgiving.

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Just floatin' around all the food.

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Just floatin' around,

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stuffin' my face while everybody screams.

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That's how I do it.

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Alright, everybody.

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Thank you for watching this week.

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As always, you can find
our videos every week

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at whineaboutit.tumblr.com,

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and my page, which is
facebook.com/buzzfeedmatt.

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And you can find our videos
on YouTube at BuzzFeed Video.

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And that's everything, that's all of it,

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thank you for watching, have
a (bleep) happy turkey day.

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Gobble, gobble.

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♫ Whine about it

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♫ Whine about it ♫

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(coughs)

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Eating lunch before this was a bad idea.