- I'm so full.
But I can't stop now.
♫ Wine about it
♫ Whine about it ♫
Hey everyone, my name is Matt Bellassai
and this is Whine About It,
a weekly video series where I get drunk at my desk
and complain about stuff.
And on this very special holiday edition,
our topic is "Ways to Win at Thanksgiving Dinner".
Because Thanksgiving is more than just a holiday,
it is a test of spirit.
And I'm not about to lose this shit.
So let's drink.
(upbeat music)
Can't spill on my fancy sweater.
I paid $40 for this sweater. Can't ruin it.
Oh, boy.
Alright, first. Thanksgiving rule #1.
If you stop eating after one plate, you are losing.
The food on your plate should be one
mountainous heap of glory,
and if you stop at one food mountain, you've given up.
You think the pilgrims stopped at one food mountain?
They didn't.
The pilgrims didn't stop for anything.
They probably should have,
because they killed a bunch of people.
Second, Thanksgivin' is not a time for chewing.
Thanksgiving is a time for dippin' everything in gravy,
and just sliding it right down there.
Everyone's always like "Matt, why don't you slow down?
We can hear you struggling to breathe."
This turkey didn't sacrifice his life for me to slow down.
This turkey sacrificed his life
so that I could take his left leg,
dip it in some sweet mashed potatoes,
and then shove it right past my tonsils.
I don't have to take it slow. Just go right in.
Next, every time your drunk,
racist uncle mentions Donald Trump,
take one big deep breath,
and then scream. Violently.
Into the soft comfort of a warm butter potato roll.
Racist uncles can't ruin your Thanksgiving
if you're screamin' into a warm butter potato roll.
Donald Trump can't find you there, either.
Just scream it out, that's what I always say.
Also, every time someone mentions
that they're having a (bleep) baby,
or getting married, or they got a job promotion,
take a big old shot of gravy.
'Cause I'd rather my arteries clog up right now,
than to listen to a list
of your shit accomplishments for a single second.
Guess what I did this year.
(bleep) nothin'.
You hear me bragging about it?
I'm not here to hear about your shit life.
I'm here to eat until I can't see colors anymore.
Next!
Unless a salad is creamy, buttery, and cheese-based,
it has no place getting stuffed in this gullet.
Givin' someone a salad on Thanksgiving
is like punchin' a baby, right in its baby face.
It may make you feel good, but there's a time and a place.
This is Thanksgiving!
Thanksgiving is a time for family, and friends,
and swallowing foods that are made up
of at least 50% mayonnaise.
Not for your (bleep) salad. I'll tell you that.
Also, every time someone asks if you're dating anybody,
just meow like a hungry cat.
They're always like "Matt, how's work?
How's your apartment? Are you seeing anybody?"
I'm always like... (meows)
Next!
Do not, under any circumstances, announce to the internet,
that you think your cousin is hot.
If you're thinking about announcing, to the internet,
that you think your cousin is hot,
log off, take a good, hard, long look in the mirror,
and then never procreate with anybody.
Related to you or otherwise.
Next.
Thanksgiving is the only time of the year
where it is acceptable to wear gym shorts.
Because eating is the only sport worth sweating for.
I walk in that feast and I'm ready to throw down.
And get wrecked.
Also remember, anything is a napkin if you try hard enough.
Alright? It'll come to you. When you need it.
Finally, if anybody stops you from having
the best Thanksgiving of your life,
you just be like one of those floats
in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
Fat, happy, and blissfully unaware
of all the crazy mother(bleep)ers screamin' around you.
That's how I spend my Thanksgiving.
Just floatin' around all the food.
Just floatin' around,
stuffin' my face while everybody screams.
That's how I do it.
Alright, everybody.
Thank you for watching this week.
As always, you can find our videos every week
at whineaboutit.tumblr.com,
and my page, which is facebook.com/buzzfeedmatt.
And you can find our videos on YouTube at BuzzFeed Video.
And that's everything, that's all of it,
thank you for watching, have a (bleep) happy turkey day.
Gobble, gobble.
♫ Whine about it
♫ Whine about it ♫
(coughs)
Eating lunch before this was a bad idea.