GENERAL WEIRDNESS (O-S): So as I said,
I was on the battlefield, facing the Greifen of Assi-Germaneyia,
my fellow soldiers lying on the ground,
begging to be put out of their misery
when suddenly - swoosh -
a Greif swooped in on me, carrying me away!
PURPLE STAR: Uhuh...
WEIRDNESS: We were meddling like savages,
he lost control, then fell out of the sky!
I barely survived and he crashed into the ground,
digging his own grave in the process!
PURPLE: Uhuh...
WEIRDNESS: I took his name tag as a reminder of this most epic fight,
which had ingraved in it a name
I will forever
remember:
"Commander Kevin"!
PURPLE: Uhuh...
WEIRDNESS (O-S): Rainbow Ass!
RAINBOW ASS: (grunts)
Not another boring war story!
WEIRDNESS: Rainbow Ass!
RAINBOW: I don't wanna hear it, Nessie!
WEIRDNESS: But Rainbow Ass!
RAINBOW: I've never even heard of the war you say you were in!
Ungh!
WEIRDNESS: That's because I'm not allowed to talk about it.
["Welcome To The H.E.R.D. Theme" starts playing] PURPLE STAR (V-O): I, Purple Star,
am on a mission to kill Princess Hot Plot thus taking her place.
Welcome to the Horse Elite of Raging Doom,
or short...
[PURPLE:] Welcome to the, --
BUTTERFLY BUTT: Shut up Purps, no one likes you!
RAINBOW ASS: I like her!
In my pants! (chuckles)
WEISSWURST: Vite Ponys are superior!
POISONED APPLE: What are we doin' here again?
GENERAL WEIRDNESS: The end is neigh!
PURPLE: Come on guys, please?
SLAVE THE DRAGON: Welcome to the what?
[PURPLE:] -- H.E.R.D.!
PURPLE: Nailed it!
RAINBOW (V-O): Did you guys see last episode's after credits scene?
BUTTERFLY (V-O): After credits scene?
What are we, Marvel? [song ends]
WEIRDNESS: Wake up, Rainbow Ass!
I need somepony to tell the tale to
of how I slaughtered an entire army with nothing but a peanutbutter sandwich...
...uh...
RAINBOW: Oh, sorry Nessie!
I mean,
I would totally love to hear another one of your neverending stories but, heh,
Kevin and me are sorta busy! (chuckles)
WEIRDNESS: Kevin...?
KEVIN THE GREIF: Wazzup, bruh?
RAINBOW: He just arrived from Assi-Germaneyia
but he's not the only one who came here today! (chuckles)
Kevin and me go way back.
WEIRDNESS: Kevin...?
RAINBOW: By the way,
I was kinda hoping you wouldn't find me in a constantly moving cloud home in the sky,
but it's fine.
In fact,
having you secretly follow us around will make the sweet act of love so much more daring!
(chuckles)
WEIRDNESS: Kevin...?
RAINBOW: Yeah, so gotta go!
But feel free to spy on us,
it kinda turn me on. (chuckles)
WEIRDNESS: Kevin...
PURPLE (O-S): Are you sure he is this...
...Commander Kevin you fought in the war?
WEIRDNESS: That's just it!
There is no way of knowing for sure!
PURPLE: But didn't you kill him in battle?
You told me just yesterday.
WEIRDNESS: That is true!
And I thought you weren't listening?
PURPLE: Well, I didn't want to admit it
but your story was actually way more engaging than the book I was reading.
WEIRDNESS: What book were you reading?
PURPLE: I don't know,
something about vampires and werewolves.
WEIRDNESS: That sounds exciting!
PURPLE: Yeah,
I thought so too, but...
...it really wasn't.
WEIRDNESS: And what are you reading now?
PURPLE: The sequel.
WEIRDNESS: I thought you didn't like it?
PURPLE: Yeah, I don't,
but I bought the whole series
so I kinda have to read them all now to get my money's worth.
SLAVE THE DRAGON: I really don't see the problem,
I love these books!
PURPLE: You can't even read, Slave.
SLAVE: Nope,
but I can pretend I'm reading them and it keeps the ladies coming.
PURPLE: Well, speaking of coming--
RAINBOW (O-S): That's what she said!
PURPLE: --coming back to your problem...
"Dethroning 101" clearly states in "Chapter 14:
"The Friend Of My Friend Is My Enemy"...
RAINBOW (O-S): Roll Credits!
PURPLE: ...that you should never kill an ally's companion without solid proof that they actually are against you.
If they're close to a comrade of yours,
they technically count as a potential ally themselves.
WEIRDNESS: Gee, this book really has an answer for everything, doesn't it?
PURPLE: Of course it does.
It's a bestseller.
WEIRDNESS: But Rainbow Ass said, they go way back.
(gasps)
What if Ass joined my army--
PURPLE: It's my army.
WEIRDNESS: --just to infiltrate my plans--
PURPLE: My plans.
WEIRDNESS: --and aid Commander Kevin in killing the princess before I can?
PURPLE: Before I can.
WEIRDNESS: Maybe this is all part of a huge revenge operation?
PURPLE: Nah, that would be...
...huh...
...admittedly, that does kinda make sense.
But still,
you need proof for all that.
SLAVE: If I may say something...
PURPLE: Shut up, Slave!
I'm sorry, go on.
SLAVE: Do you guys really think,
Rainbow Ass would be smart enough to work as a double agent?
WEIRDNESS: Maybe she is just pretending?
I know from experience that infiltrating a group of ponies
while pretending to be somepony else
is really easy to pull off
if you're a cunning master of disguise
and they're idiots!
Not to call you an idiot, Purps!
PURPLE: Gee, thanks, General.
SLAVE: Still, there's gotta be another way to deal with this...
Say, did you know I was afraid of the sound of whips?
SLAVE (O-S): (hums Welcome To The H.E.R.D. Theme)
(keeps humming)
(whip sound)
Aah!
(repeadedly screams)
RAINBOW: (chuckles)
WEIRDNESS: (laughs)
WEIRDNESS: That would explain yesterday...
But what does that have to do with this?
SLAVE: You might not know this
but before Purple Star took me as her,
well...
...slave,
I was under the rule of Princess Hot Plot
and whenever I wouldn't do her bidding, she would have her guards crack their whips at me.
And that happened a lot because I don't do what others tell me to do.
I'm a rebel, you know?
PURPLE: Or maybe it was because you were still an egg?
SLAVE: Potato, potahto!
Anyway, let me tell you,
that was the most traumatizing thing to ever happen in my life.
PURPLE: Also the first.
WEIRDNESS: So...
...what is your point, little green and purple dragon?
PURPLE: After he hatched I took him with me and replaced him with a plushie.
Nopony ever even noticed he was missing.
And due to my excellent skills as a caretaker, he soon could leave his fear behind him.
I agree with Nessie though,
what does that have to do with anything?
SLAVE: Well, obviously General Weirdness carries her own scars from the war
and I feel like Commander Kevin is one of them.
You know, metamorphosis.
PURPLE: You mean metaphorically.
WEIRDNESS: Gesundheit!
SLAVE: Anyhoo,
what I'm trying to say is,
maybe try putting it behind you, get some closure?
Talk to Kevin.
If you make peace with Rainbow's friend,
you might make peace with the war at the same time and your problem solves itself.
WEIRDNESS: Yes, that is an excellent idea, Slave!
Get some closure,
talk to Kevin!
This way I can trick him into saying or doing something that will reveal him as the foe he is!
And then he'll die!
RAINBOW: (chuckles) KEVIN: (laughs)
KEVIN: Bro, I'm so in the lewd mood, dude!
RAINBOW: Me too.
What could be better than doing it with you?
(chuckles) WEIRDNESS: War!
RAINBOW: Huh? KEVIN: Dude?
WEIRDNESS: War never changes!
Neither do its warriors.
KEVIN: Not really into politics, bruh!
WEIRDNESS: You know, I once knew this Greif from Assi-Germaneyia,
he fought in a war once.
I wonder what happened to that guy?
KEVIN: Y'know Ass, dude, bro,
I wanna talk with dat pink ponk, 'kay dude?
Just go ahead to Ponytown, bruh.
Yo, bro!
I don't like talkin' about war, dude.
Had my fair share of problems already.
Dude, Ass, bro, hold on,
Ponytown's the other way!
WEIRDNESS (O-S): So you've had enough war, huh?
What corps were you in?
KEVIN: Bruh, whatcha talkin' about, dude?
Shut up!
["General Dilemma" starts playing] [WEIRDNESS:] I'm still left all without
Something to deny my doubt
This Greif seems to be much smarter than I thought.
He neglects all he knows 'Bout the war, instead he shows
To be just an innocent pal of Rainbow Ass And not the commander I fought.
But I do believe that he is the one And I won't give up
until
I'm
proven
wrong.
WEIRDNESS: So what to do...?
What to do...?
[WEIRDNESS:] Must keep Purple Star's words still in mind,
I can't just kill him like that.
But what if he is, Yes, what if he is,
Trying to make me sleep with the fish!
WEIRDNESS: Then again...
[WEIRDNESS:] My companion, the mare Rainbow Ass
Seems to be quite close with the guy.
But what if she's in, Perhaps I have been
Tricked all this time And she's in on the crime.
If that's really so She also must go.
It sure would be tragic, yes, I know.
No, what the heck, I can't do that.
Let's weigh the options that I have!
WEIRDNESS: Option one:
[WEIRDNESS:] I could simply just leave them alone
And maybe befriend Kevin too.
And then in the night When I close my eyes
He'll sneak up to me with the deadliest strike.
WEIRDNESS: Option two:
[WEIRDNESS:] I could kill them both right on the spot
Or maybe let Rainbow Ass live.
But either way, Who is to say
I just didn't kill one or two innocent souls?
Not that I'd ever mind But then I might find
That later they could have aided in fight.
I can't decide which it will be,
Is there an option number three?
[song ends] BUTTERFLY BUTT: Don't worry, little duckies,
I will totally not cook you up and eat you for lunch.
KEVIN: Dude, bro, sorry, you okay?
Bruh?
BUTTERFLY: Can't you see I'm walking here, you bird brain?
KEVIN: Bruh, I don't want any beef, 'kay, dude, bro?
BUTTERFLY: Are you assuming my gender you fucking hummingbird?
Can't you see I'm obviously a mare?
KEVIN: Dude--
--dette,
gal,
's just a word, bro,
I mean...
...sis!
Chill!
BUTTERFLY: Don't tell me what to do,
I'll tell you what to do.
I suggest you go get a life
and maybe,
just maybe
I will consider not taking it away from you in your sleep.
KEVIN: Bruh! (cries)
WEIRDNESS: Well well well,
this is giving me quite the idea.
["General Dilemma - Reprise" starts playing]
[WEIRDNESS:] Seeing Kevin caving in under constant ridicule
Is revealing the weak spot that he has.
If he were to be Made a joke by me
Right in front of the eyes of everypony
He just might very fast Spill the beans about his past
And then I'll know exactly what to do.
Without any doubt I'll know all about
His evil scheme to wipe me out
And with that I'll make my move.
I can't wait, let's go Let's humiliate my foe
And if he's not that bad I'll make him my "bro".
Either way
the
end
is
neigh!
[song ends]
WEIRDNESS: Welcome!
The end is neigh!
POISONED APPLE: So,
he's from Assi-Germaneyia, ah heard?
Do ya know him?
WEISSWURST: Ach, zat is so racist of you to assume!
I'm so proud of your new personality!
WEIRDNESS: Happy birthday, Kevin,
I hope you like your surprise party!
KEVIN: Bruh, how'd you know it's my birthday, dude?
WEIRDNESS: No way, it actually is your birthday?
I must be psychic!
PSYCHIC (O-S): No you're not!
WEIRDNESS: Anyway,
come here Kevin and give me a nice hoofshake!
KEVIN: Dude!
WEIRDNESS: No Kevin,
you were supposed to shake my hoof and not yourself,
stupid partially pale purple Greify, haha!
BACKGROUND PONIES (O-S): (laugh)
WEIRDNESS: Hey,
how about some lemon drops for our little sourpuss?
KEVIN: Dude, bro!
Lemon drops are best, bruh!
Bro!
WEIRDNESS (O-S): Wow,
I guess you're not a sourpuss after all,
you're a lemon!
(laughs) PONIES (O-S): (laugh)
WEIRDNESS: Here,
have these presents as a way of me to say sorry.
Sorry, that you're so gullible!
(laughs) PONIES: (laugh)
WEIRDNESS: But seriously, have some of this,
I promise it's just normal cake.
KEVIN: (blows)
(blows several times)
PONIES (O-S): (laugh)
RAINBOW (O-S): (chuckles)
You can't see it,
but the script says "blows several times"! (chuckles)
That's the Kevin I know!
WEIRDNESS: Wow, even a baby could blow out these candles!
Oh well,
I guess it is a challenge for someone with a beak!
WEISS (O-S): It is my job to be racist, General Veirdness!
POISONED (O-S): And mine!
RAINBOW: Hey Kevin,
are you alright?
We can go if you want to.
KEVIN: Nah, bruh!
It's okay, dude!
I can handle it, bro!
Really, dude, bro, come on, dude!
Bruh!
Really!
Dude!
WEIRDNESS: Okay,
let's get this party started with a game of Pin The Tail On The Pony!
That's it,
keep going in that direction!
KEVIN: Bruh!
WEIRDNESS (O-S): Uhm, Kevin?
We're playing Pin The Tail On The Pony,
not Pin The Tail On The Donkey!
(laughs) PONIES: (laugh)
KEVIN: (roars)
Bruh! Enough! That's it!
Why would you do this to me, dude?
And on my birthday nontheless!
What have I ever done to you, dude?
Come on Ass, bruh,
I wanna go, bro!
RAINBOW: Sure buddy,
right behind you!
But before we go,
let me deal with them for you.
What the heck, Nessie, was that all about?
WEIRDNESS: Well, to be completely honest,
I suspect Kevin of being someone I thought I killed in the war a long time ago.
RAINBOW: Are you kidding me?
Is that your reason to harass my best friend?
You know what, Nessie?
When we were kids,
Kevin had been bullied a lot at school.
I was the only one who was there for him.
They did terrible things to him each and every day.
But by far the worst thing that had ever happened to him
was on his tenth birthday
when he got to school in the morning
and everyone in his class had teamed up
to give him an extra hard time!
And yes,
I know I just said "hard",
but you know what,
I don't care!
So now tell me this, General...
does that sound familiar to you...?
Well, it should,
because that's exactly what you guys are doing right now!
WEIRDNESS: Rainbow, I...
RAINBOW: Let's go Kevin!
I'm sick of these guys!
And I'm sorry you had to go through this.
It's all my fault.
WEIRDNESS: Wait!
I'm sorry Kevin,
I really didn't know all that!
I guess
if Rainbow Ass means so much to you,
who am I to stand between you guys?
Who cares if you ever did or did not fight in a war?
I mean,
really, who hasn't nowadays?
What matters is that you're Rainbow Ass' best friend.
And maybe we're not too different, you and I?
We both appear to wear quite the scars from the battlefield that is life.
Just like you, Slave,
I can't believe you were actually right about something!
So I guess what I'm trying to say is:
I hope you can forgive me.
We can try and help each other overcome our fears
and get past them by growing as people
and eventually learning to let them go.
That being said...
I want you to join my army!
PURPLE (O-S): It's my army!
KEVIN: Bruh, for real, dude?
WEIRDNESS: For real...
..."dude".
And I want to apologize to you too, Rainbow Ass!
RAINBOW: Hrm...
...well alright.
Kevin seems to forgive you.
Then I will too!
WEIRDNESS: So,
apology accepted, Ass?
RAINBOW: Yeah,
apology accepted, ass! (chuckles)
WEIRDNESS: (laughs) KEVIN: (laughs)
(burps)
I don't get it, dude!
RAINBOW: You see, because my name is Ass and...
well anyway, I'll get us all some cake.
WEIRDNESS: Welcome to the H.E.R.D., Kevin!
RAINBOW (O-S): Roll credits!